Straight to the Castle
Life has been everything but exciting for me lately. I sit and watch as days slip by, wasted and lost to the passing of unused time. I see a nice chunk of change in my bank account. I see that I am relatively healthy (overweight, but that won’t change in a day). I see that my car still runs. I see that I have a nice place to live and can afford to live there without worrying about where I’m going to get money for food or fun. I see that my family is still around and we get along. I see friends that mean the world to me, and that make me smile, and take care of me when I fall and who boost me up when I need it. I see that I have a boyfriend, something I was convinced would never happen without the aid of Rohypnol, and he’s mainly good to me. I see that I have a good, steady job that pays well and is something I don’t necessarily hate doing. I see that my mind is still working, still creating, still dreaming. I see that I still have some hope, harder to find now than it once was, but still available.
But I don’t see me.
I’m losing sight of who I am, where I’m going, who I can become. I have all these things, these circumstances, this life that should be a satisfactory and happy one, a life that many would be scrambling for, a life that many would say I take for granted. I shouldn’t want anything more. I should be happy and content and stable.
But I’m not.
Where am I going? I don’t know anymore. All I see ahead of me is a road that’s being blown away by the wind of those passing wasted days. The path gets lighter and lighter and it’s harder to see it, harder to know if there ever was a path, harder to see where it was going, if anywhere at all. I don’t have a goal. I don’t have a plan. I don’t have anything worth living for, as dire as that sounds.
To me, life has always been about getting somewhere. It’s a journey. And while the journey is the equivalent to living life, there has to be a place that journey is headed toward to make it worthwhile. Walking in circles with no destination in mind is disheartening, and it’s what I’ve been doing the past few years. My feet are getting tired. I’ve passed the same landmarks over and over and it’s at the point in my movie where I slam my fists into the walls and cry out how it’s, “Not fair!” and a little caterpillar sticks it’s head out and sends me in the direction of the castle.
But without a baby brother to rescue from the Goblin King, why would I even want to go toward the castle at all? I have nowhere to go, no reason to get there… Imagine "The Labyrinth" with a heroine who has no need or desire to get to the castle in the center of the Goblin City... it would be a pointless drivel of a movie. That's my life at the moment, that's how I feel. I'm wandering through the Labyrinth, looking at things, but not caring, no urgency in my step, just wandering around, no real goal in mind, no reason to solve the Labyrinth and get to the center because I don't care what's in the center...
I’ve cried at least once a day for the past two or three weeks. Usually in my car, coming home from work. Sometimes before bed. Every so often in the shower. Sometimes at work. There’s no rhyme or reason to it. I just feel like crying. I feel sad, I feel lost, I feel empty. I feel tired. I don’t want to be someone who ends up just working everyday to pay the bills. I don’t want to be someone who “coulda, woulda, shoulda”. I want to have dreamt, then planned, then accomplished something in my life’s journey. I want to have gotten wherever it is I need to be. I want to have a checked-off “To Do” list to toss into my coffin at the very end of it all.
I need a dream. I need a goal. I need a reason to follow the path before it’s completely washed away.
But I don’t see me.
I’m losing sight of who I am, where I’m going, who I can become. I have all these things, these circumstances, this life that should be a satisfactory and happy one, a life that many would be scrambling for, a life that many would say I take for granted. I shouldn’t want anything more. I should be happy and content and stable.
But I’m not.
Where am I going? I don’t know anymore. All I see ahead of me is a road that’s being blown away by the wind of those passing wasted days. The path gets lighter and lighter and it’s harder to see it, harder to know if there ever was a path, harder to see where it was going, if anywhere at all. I don’t have a goal. I don’t have a plan. I don’t have anything worth living for, as dire as that sounds.
To me, life has always been about getting somewhere. It’s a journey. And while the journey is the equivalent to living life, there has to be a place that journey is headed toward to make it worthwhile. Walking in circles with no destination in mind is disheartening, and it’s what I’ve been doing the past few years. My feet are getting tired. I’ve passed the same landmarks over and over and it’s at the point in my movie where I slam my fists into the walls and cry out how it’s, “Not fair!” and a little caterpillar sticks it’s head out and sends me in the direction of the castle.
But without a baby brother to rescue from the Goblin King, why would I even want to go toward the castle at all? I have nowhere to go, no reason to get there… Imagine "The Labyrinth" with a heroine who has no need or desire to get to the castle in the center of the Goblin City... it would be a pointless drivel of a movie. That's my life at the moment, that's how I feel. I'm wandering through the Labyrinth, looking at things, but not caring, no urgency in my step, just wandering around, no real goal in mind, no reason to solve the Labyrinth and get to the center because I don't care what's in the center...
I’ve cried at least once a day for the past two or three weeks. Usually in my car, coming home from work. Sometimes before bed. Every so often in the shower. Sometimes at work. There’s no rhyme or reason to it. I just feel like crying. I feel sad, I feel lost, I feel empty. I feel tired. I don’t want to be someone who ends up just working everyday to pay the bills. I don’t want to be someone who “coulda, woulda, shoulda”. I want to have dreamt, then planned, then accomplished something in my life’s journey. I want to have gotten wherever it is I need to be. I want to have a checked-off “To Do” list to toss into my coffin at the very end of it all.
I need a dream. I need a goal. I need a reason to follow the path before it’s completely washed away.