Kelly; Loser, Slacker, Unactivist...
How long is it going to be until i'm happy? I mean, i AM happy, i'm just confused, and that makes me extremely nervous. I literally have NO idea what the fuck i'm going to do with my life. Right now the only thing im interested in is getting the fuck out of class early enough to go home in time for Full House. What kind of existence is that? How unproductive. I seem to be the only one out of everybody i know who doesnt have a thing going for them. Literally. I have no job, I have no future, I have no interests, I have no connections, I have no drive. I do have interests, but they won't take me anywhere. I like to watch movies... not write about them or anything, just watch them. I like to learn about science, but not enough to become a researcher or anything like that. I like to correct/retouch photos on Photoshop, but there is no part time job out there that does that.
I don't have any creative outlet anymore. Last semester i had my creative writing class, and as much as i despised the atmosphere, it still allowed me to write creatively. These theater classes i am in are a waste of time. They don't broaden my horizons THAT much. Sure i'm learning shit that i can talk to Kaitlin about, but that's really it. I don't really have any interest in theater in the slightest. Who's shitty ass idea was it to put me in theater? "It was your idea, Kelly..." Oh... well you're an idiot, dude.
I envy my sister so much for loving school and loving the work she is doing. I wish i had that. I envy Kaitlin because she's doing all of these things keeping her busy. If someone asked her what she was up to she could say a whole bunch of shit. I envy Roxanne because she is soon to be settled into a job where she can practice her trade and make money doing it. She goes to work almost every day and brings in her own money and buys all of her own shit. She has so much character because of it.
What do i do? I go to school, get decent grades (i don't excel or anything), then i go home, fuck around on the computer, watch TV, go to teddy's, make dinner, do my homework, play xbox, watch some more tv, then go to sleep. That is the definition of a person with no direction. I have absolutely NO desire to get a job while i am still in school. I'll get one over the summer, definitely, but while i am in school i just don't feel like it. My problem is that i'm overwhelmingly lazy.
I should get a job, but i refuse to work in retail. I want a real job-like job. One that will stimulate my mind, not just leave me sitting there waiting to leave. And none of this filing or restocking shit. The perfect job would be... "Ok kelly, here is a box of shit, here are the directions, put it together using these tools." That would kick so much ass. Putting shit together. That is my ideal part-time job. But that sort of thing is a man's job. I would be like a lesbian if i had a job like that. But seriously if you can find me a job like that i'll take it. Like, knick-knacks, or just basic assemblage of electronics. I'd really like that and i would be great at it. I can't even think of anything off the top of my head that is anything remotely like that other than construction. Fucking construction. I can't put together houses. Or something like a factory worker. I'd be like The Hairy Ape. God damn it, i'm doomed.
I just need to find my niche. I want to be like my sister. I want to have passion, a drive, motivation. I have none of that. I'm a loser. Look up the word 'loser' in the dictionary and you'll see a picture of me sitting on the couch playing Tiger Woods PGA Tour. Maybe i'm a slacker. Maybe i'm not a loser, i'm just a person who nobody can get off the couch to do anything other than school, and even that is a pain in the ass for me. Why go to school when i feel like it won't get me anywhere? I'm taking two Gen-Eds this semester and the rest are pure bull shit. I've wasted almost 3/4 tuition money. I'm probably going to have to stay back a semester to make that shit up... That is, of course, if i pick a major by next semester, which probably won't work out. I bet if i wanted to declare myself as a Math major i'm going to have to take 3 million prerequesites before i can take any of the required courses for the major. Ugh, i am just not happy. I was thinking about it today, though; I would absolutely love going to school entirely for math or science. However, i don't like any of the career options. I like doing the puzzles and learning about the world and physics, but i wouldn't like any of the careers. How much does that suck? So basically i don't know what the fuck i aspire to do. No wait, i do: Put things together using math and science. Physics labs! I wouldn't mind doing labs my whole life. But the thing is i don't really care to discover something new, i just want to figure shit out that's already been done. Like highschool physics labs. God, i'm pathetic.
I'm gonna try to go to borders and get a new science book each month. Science or metaphysics. Only certain metaphysics though, a lot of it is crap. That would make me feel smart, and make me actual-smart in the process. I was thinking relativity for my next one. I hate the theory of relativity, so maybe all i need to do is read an entire book about the subject to like it.
Ok i guess im done. Teddy says he's hungry, i guess im hungry too. I'll go make us something =)
I don't have any creative outlet anymore. Last semester i had my creative writing class, and as much as i despised the atmosphere, it still allowed me to write creatively. These theater classes i am in are a waste of time. They don't broaden my horizons THAT much. Sure i'm learning shit that i can talk to Kaitlin about, but that's really it. I don't really have any interest in theater in the slightest. Who's shitty ass idea was it to put me in theater? "It was your idea, Kelly..." Oh... well you're an idiot, dude.
I envy my sister so much for loving school and loving the work she is doing. I wish i had that. I envy Kaitlin because she's doing all of these things keeping her busy. If someone asked her what she was up to she could say a whole bunch of shit. I envy Roxanne because she is soon to be settled into a job where she can practice her trade and make money doing it. She goes to work almost every day and brings in her own money and buys all of her own shit. She has so much character because of it.
What do i do? I go to school, get decent grades (i don't excel or anything), then i go home, fuck around on the computer, watch TV, go to teddy's, make dinner, do my homework, play xbox, watch some more tv, then go to sleep. That is the definition of a person with no direction. I have absolutely NO desire to get a job while i am still in school. I'll get one over the summer, definitely, but while i am in school i just don't feel like it. My problem is that i'm overwhelmingly lazy.
I should get a job, but i refuse to work in retail. I want a real job-like job. One that will stimulate my mind, not just leave me sitting there waiting to leave. And none of this filing or restocking shit. The perfect job would be... "Ok kelly, here is a box of shit, here are the directions, put it together using these tools." That would kick so much ass. Putting shit together. That is my ideal part-time job. But that sort of thing is a man's job. I would be like a lesbian if i had a job like that. But seriously if you can find me a job like that i'll take it. Like, knick-knacks, or just basic assemblage of electronics. I'd really like that and i would be great at it. I can't even think of anything off the top of my head that is anything remotely like that other than construction. Fucking construction. I can't put together houses. Or something like a factory worker. I'd be like The Hairy Ape. God damn it, i'm doomed.
I just need to find my niche. I want to be like my sister. I want to have passion, a drive, motivation. I have none of that. I'm a loser. Look up the word 'loser' in the dictionary and you'll see a picture of me sitting on the couch playing Tiger Woods PGA Tour. Maybe i'm a slacker. Maybe i'm not a loser, i'm just a person who nobody can get off the couch to do anything other than school, and even that is a pain in the ass for me. Why go to school when i feel like it won't get me anywhere? I'm taking two Gen-Eds this semester and the rest are pure bull shit. I've wasted almost 3/4 tuition money. I'm probably going to have to stay back a semester to make that shit up... That is, of course, if i pick a major by next semester, which probably won't work out. I bet if i wanted to declare myself as a Math major i'm going to have to take 3 million prerequesites before i can take any of the required courses for the major. Ugh, i am just not happy. I was thinking about it today, though; I would absolutely love going to school entirely for math or science. However, i don't like any of the career options. I like doing the puzzles and learning about the world and physics, but i wouldn't like any of the careers. How much does that suck? So basically i don't know what the fuck i aspire to do. No wait, i do: Put things together using math and science. Physics labs! I wouldn't mind doing labs my whole life. But the thing is i don't really care to discover something new, i just want to figure shit out that's already been done. Like highschool physics labs. God, i'm pathetic.
I'm gonna try to go to borders and get a new science book each month. Science or metaphysics. Only certain metaphysics though, a lot of it is crap. That would make me feel smart, and make me actual-smart in the process. I was thinking relativity for my next one. I hate the theory of relativity, so maybe all i need to do is read an entire book about the subject to like it.
Ok i guess im done. Teddy says he's hungry, i guess im hungry too. I'll go make us something =)