Beating my head against a wall - (a character reflection)
Why is it that, what is considered slowed down for me is not for the rest of the world? Its funny. Kind of. Things for me are more normal than they have been in weeks and weeks. To be honest, I haven't really sat down and reflected like this since it happened. The thing with... Lyle. To be even more honest, I really still can't believe it. For some reason those two weeks seem to be colored with a shade of gray in my mind. Is that strange? I almost have to squint to see the finer details. I think maybe I'm blocking it out. I just want to move on from it. And I like to think I have for the most part. There are still things that remind me of it. I still jump at the tiniest noises. But I'm pretty sure I'm coping well, considering.
Right now, I'm in a situation that is unusual for me. I'm pretty much living with a client. His name is Trey. He's paying me five thousand dollars a month not to sleep with anyone else. Its strange, and there is so much that can go wrong with this arrangement, but the money is good, and its a sure thing. I also don't have to worry about sleeping with fifty different people to get it. I just have to not sleep with anyone but him. Honestly? I don't mind. He's a good guy. Nice, sweet, funny. He makes a great pizza. I realize that this can go wrong in so many ways. But I'm trying to keep it professional, and thankfully so is he I think....
God, this isn't helping at all. I can't even work out anything in my own head. Every time I start to make progress with figuring out why I'm so anxious lately, its like a wall comes down and blocks the thought process. Its really aggravating. I guess I'll have to try and do this another time. Because things don't seem to want to flow correctly, and its like beating my head against a wall. That alone tells me somethings going on. And...now that I think of it, maybe the wall is more of a help than anything. Because I'm starting to think that maybe I don't want to know.
Yeah... I don't want to know.
Right now, I'm in a situation that is unusual for me. I'm pretty much living with a client. His name is Trey. He's paying me five thousand dollars a month not to sleep with anyone else. Its strange, and there is so much that can go wrong with this arrangement, but the money is good, and its a sure thing. I also don't have to worry about sleeping with fifty different people to get it. I just have to not sleep with anyone but him. Honestly? I don't mind. He's a good guy. Nice, sweet, funny. He makes a great pizza. I realize that this can go wrong in so many ways. But I'm trying to keep it professional, and thankfully so is he I think....
God, this isn't helping at all. I can't even work out anything in my own head. Every time I start to make progress with figuring out why I'm so anxious lately, its like a wall comes down and blocks the thought process. Its really aggravating. I guess I'll have to try and do this another time. Because things don't seem to want to flow correctly, and its like beating my head against a wall. That alone tells me somethings going on. And...now that I think of it, maybe the wall is more of a help than anything. Because I'm starting to think that maybe I don't want to know.
Yeah... I don't want to know.