Wishes, dreams, hopes and shattered hearts
It hit this week. After many months of telling people I'm getting divorced, and feeling nearly completely even-keeled about it, the darkness has finally descended. I'm not sure what instigated it. Could it have been a weekend full of hot sex, followed by the realization that perhaps that was a poor choice for someone who is already emotionally
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I too felt utterly unmoored emotionally and socially when I got divorced. It was hard on me. I was hard on my friends. I made mistakes. I did things and said things that I am not proud of now. But I did what I had to at the time. One does get through it. Things do improve.
I am terribly terribly sorry that you have to go through that. I would not wish it on anyone. It's awful and knowing that it will someday not be awful is little comfort.
I understand your reluctance to be vulnerable. After being so terribly hurt by someone you were willfully vulnerable to, it is hard to be so again so soon with anyone. And yet, paradoxically, the urgency of emotional need to be raw and open with someone you can trust has likely never been larger. That's just one of the hideous binds that divorce puts people in emotionally; that's why it's so hard.
I'm glad that you're putting yourself out there by writing about it. And I'm glad that you can foresee a time when this time is an unpleasant memory. You will be back to your normal, well-calibrated self.
Until then, I urge you to use all your resources. We all invest in friendships, saving up for a rainy day. This is as rainy as it gets; stop saving and start taking advantage of people. If you need to talk, or need a distraction, or whatever, give me or Leah a call and we'll figure something out.
Be well. Keep writing. See you soon.
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