how about an update?
Well this weekend I went on a mini roadtrip with some friends.
I had such a good time. There were 7 of us and we went to Knoxville.
We stayed at my friend Julian's house.
It was so soo nice just staying at a house, sitting on a couch, eating chips and salsa, eating regular food.
We also went to the UT v. Ole Miss game. I have never been to a Tennessee game before, it was incredible.
The UT stadium is the 2 largest in the nation, that's pretty cool.
Also we hiked up to this bluff that overlooked the river. It was probably about 250 ft. up and had one of the sweetest views.
I watched the movie Crash- which I highly recommend. It made me think about stuff I've never really thought about before, and it maybe even changed me a little bit.
Then Sunday we went to Chatanooga, to visit my friend Brittany's family.
We ate a humongous lunch at her grandma's house, I got to meet all of her cousins, and the whole family was really nice to be around.
We played frisbee and swam and had a good time.
(
Now I'm gonna write some personal stuff here. The reason I'm doing this is because I know the people that are going to read this (most of them) are the ones that care about me. I want them to know what's majorly going on in my life. I haven't ever really done this but I feel like since I don't get to see the people that I'm close to then its somewhat justifiable for me to spill my guts on LJ. I realize that there are some people who are going to read this who do not know me very well, and I'm probably making myself look like a "I want attention and sympathy, so I'm going to post my needy nature and pathetically fake depression on livejournal" kinda girl to them. Well that may be unavoidable, but I assure you, this is something genuine happening to me, it's never really happened before, I'm certain God's changing me, and I want to tell the people I love about it. Its difficult for me to talk about this kinda stuff, I have never been very eloquent. Also I kinda want people that kinda know me, but not very well, to read this too. Maybe they'll understand what I'm talking about, maybe they'll relate, I don't know, I just have a really weird feeling like someone I don't know very well will read this and something cool is gonna come of it.
Recently I've been realizing a lot of stuff about me and my life that have never really occured to me before. It's made me think a little differently about
my future. Anyways so yesterday, some stuff went down, I got pretty overwhelmed. For me to get like that is unusual. I like to stay calm about everything.
Kinda reserve my emotions, so I don't look like an idiot in front of people. Well my depression about everything reached it's pinnacle yesterday afternoon.
Here's some stuff I realized:
-I'm a pretty smart person. I've thought that about myself my whole life. I've got some big plans for my life. I want to go to med school. I want to be a doctor. I'm not sure what field I want to go into but that's what I imagine myself doing. I want to be a doctor because that's where I think I would be the happiest. I think it would make me happy because helping people and making a lot of money make me feel good about myself. Your probably pretty disgusted with me. But this is the truth, or it was. I'm a self-seeking individual who wants to live comfortably but feel good about myself at the same time. Well guess what? Im not as smart as I always thought I was. I don't even like going to class because I'm having to try so hard to barely scrape by. Personally, I'm just not good enough, not smart enough, to do anything great with my life. I'm constantly thinking about my future- my career, my husband, my life- will it be sucessful? Will I be happy? What do I need to do to be happy?
Finally I realized that I'm consummed with my own success and pleasure. I'm too weak, to stupid. My hearts demented, I'm a proud selfish being who has lived under the notion that I'm too good, too smart, to level-headed for almost everyone else. I'm an extremely judgemental person who has really never sacrificed anything important for anyone else. If i've ever known you, I've judged you. I've probably never said anything, but inside I've already made up my mind about you.
Well now that you've got a pretty good idea of what I'm really like, here's something else I realized yesterday:
-I'm terrible, I'm a Christian, who continues to repeat the same sin of judging others without ever trying to do anything to change it.
-Personally, I'm not smart enough to go to med school.
-I want to love others with all my heart but I can't seem to stop loving myself to give it a shot.
Well after all this, I had to go to a Bible study, which meant that I had to read the material that we would be discussing before I left. So I opened up my book and started reading. I read:
This book is for "The bent and the bruised who feel that their lives are a grave dissapointment to God. It is for the smart people who know they are stupid and honest disciples who admit they are scalawags."
Naturally after reading this i was intrigued. it was like i had just read- This book is for Sarah McMilion. So i kept going and stuff and it said:
" My grace is enough for you: my power is at its best in weakness."
"The sweet sound of amazing grace saves us from the necessity of self-deception. It keeps us from denying that though Christ was victorious, the battle with lust, greed, and pride still rages within us."
Something that I don't ever really think about is how much God loves me. The deepest awareness of myself is that I am deeply loved by Jesus Christ and i have done nothing to earn or deserve it. Although I'm a Christian, it has not transformed me into an angel. and like Paul said, i will boast in my weakness because when I am weak God will transform me.
oh an jake sucks.
I had such a good time. There were 7 of us and we went to Knoxville.
We stayed at my friend Julian's house.
It was so soo nice just staying at a house, sitting on a couch, eating chips and salsa, eating regular food.
We also went to the UT v. Ole Miss game. I have never been to a Tennessee game before, it was incredible.
The UT stadium is the 2 largest in the nation, that's pretty cool.
Also we hiked up to this bluff that overlooked the river. It was probably about 250 ft. up and had one of the sweetest views.
I watched the movie Crash- which I highly recommend. It made me think about stuff I've never really thought about before, and it maybe even changed me a little bit.
Then Sunday we went to Chatanooga, to visit my friend Brittany's family.
We ate a humongous lunch at her grandma's house, I got to meet all of her cousins, and the whole family was really nice to be around.
We played frisbee and swam and had a good time.
(
Now I'm gonna write some personal stuff here. The reason I'm doing this is because I know the people that are going to read this (most of them) are the ones that care about me. I want them to know what's majorly going on in my life. I haven't ever really done this but I feel like since I don't get to see the people that I'm close to then its somewhat justifiable for me to spill my guts on LJ. I realize that there are some people who are going to read this who do not know me very well, and I'm probably making myself look like a "I want attention and sympathy, so I'm going to post my needy nature and pathetically fake depression on livejournal" kinda girl to them. Well that may be unavoidable, but I assure you, this is something genuine happening to me, it's never really happened before, I'm certain God's changing me, and I want to tell the people I love about it. Its difficult for me to talk about this kinda stuff, I have never been very eloquent. Also I kinda want people that kinda know me, but not very well, to read this too. Maybe they'll understand what I'm talking about, maybe they'll relate, I don't know, I just have a really weird feeling like someone I don't know very well will read this and something cool is gonna come of it.
Recently I've been realizing a lot of stuff about me and my life that have never really occured to me before. It's made me think a little differently about
my future. Anyways so yesterday, some stuff went down, I got pretty overwhelmed. For me to get like that is unusual. I like to stay calm about everything.
Kinda reserve my emotions, so I don't look like an idiot in front of people. Well my depression about everything reached it's pinnacle yesterday afternoon.
Here's some stuff I realized:
-I'm a pretty smart person. I've thought that about myself my whole life. I've got some big plans for my life. I want to go to med school. I want to be a doctor. I'm not sure what field I want to go into but that's what I imagine myself doing. I want to be a doctor because that's where I think I would be the happiest. I think it would make me happy because helping people and making a lot of money make me feel good about myself. Your probably pretty disgusted with me. But this is the truth, or it was. I'm a self-seeking individual who wants to live comfortably but feel good about myself at the same time. Well guess what? Im not as smart as I always thought I was. I don't even like going to class because I'm having to try so hard to barely scrape by. Personally, I'm just not good enough, not smart enough, to do anything great with my life. I'm constantly thinking about my future- my career, my husband, my life- will it be sucessful? Will I be happy? What do I need to do to be happy?
Finally I realized that I'm consummed with my own success and pleasure. I'm too weak, to stupid. My hearts demented, I'm a proud selfish being who has lived under the notion that I'm too good, too smart, to level-headed for almost everyone else. I'm an extremely judgemental person who has really never sacrificed anything important for anyone else. If i've ever known you, I've judged you. I've probably never said anything, but inside I've already made up my mind about you.
Well now that you've got a pretty good idea of what I'm really like, here's something else I realized yesterday:
-I'm terrible, I'm a Christian, who continues to repeat the same sin of judging others without ever trying to do anything to change it.
-Personally, I'm not smart enough to go to med school.
-I want to love others with all my heart but I can't seem to stop loving myself to give it a shot.
Well after all this, I had to go to a Bible study, which meant that I had to read the material that we would be discussing before I left. So I opened up my book and started reading. I read:
This book is for "The bent and the bruised who feel that their lives are a grave dissapointment to God. It is for the smart people who know they are stupid and honest disciples who admit they are scalawags."
Naturally after reading this i was intrigued. it was like i had just read- This book is for Sarah McMilion. So i kept going and stuff and it said:
" My grace is enough for you: my power is at its best in weakness."
"The sweet sound of amazing grace saves us from the necessity of self-deception. It keeps us from denying that though Christ was victorious, the battle with lust, greed, and pride still rages within us."
Something that I don't ever really think about is how much God loves me. The deepest awareness of myself is that I am deeply loved by Jesus Christ and i have done nothing to earn or deserve it. Although I'm a Christian, it has not transformed me into an angel. and like Paul said, i will boast in my weakness because when I am weak God will transform me.
oh an jake sucks.