(no subject)
Ladies and gentlemen, I have been nudged. I guess it's been a while since I've updated this, so lets see....
My last entry was more or less related to trial. I was convicted of a felony and I'm now on probation for 2 years. Probation is sloppy, and while I'm forced to do community service for the courts (Called SWAP) I have the entire 2 years to do it. Still, every time I go in I'm told I "have to sign up for it immediately" and.. I will. I also have to go to anger management, which is a complete crock as I've never struck anyone out of anger since I was in Jr. High. I barely even verbally fight with anyone to the point of a screaming match. If I have to go I'm gonna go and listen to what they have to say with an open mind, but I still find it comically ridiculous.
I quit my job shortly after the trial. My friends testified for me... and I realized I hadn't seen them in a very long time. I decided I should spend more time with them... and I guess I haven't really kept up my end of the deal. I got a job working mornings that I also recently quit, but I applied at yet another job and I'm waiting for them to call me back. I know the manager at the new job and I'm certain I'll get hired, so it's really no big deal.
That's what's been going on, but that's not what's going through my head.
I've been keeping strange hours lately, and fighting with my parents a lot. I'm wondering where my life is headed... and it really doesn't look good. What little optimism there is in my future could easily be thwarted by my own self-destruction which I really think stems from an underlying low sense of self worth. My mom thinks something is wrong with me, and it's hard to argue with that. My dad agrees, and he smokes pot every day of his life.
I was seeing a girl who was very good for me. She motivated me, made me feel good about myself, and genuinely seemed to be... infatuated with me. I stopped returning her calls about a week ago, and stopped shaving, and didn't leave my house. I don't for the life of me know why.
This whole entry is turning into one big pity post. hahah I just started wondering if anyone from DKP will be reading this... god that'd be hilarious. I love validating you guys. For the record, by the way, you stopped being my friend... not the other way around... and it pisses me off every time you suggest otherwise. You were all too busy hanging out with Rachel to ever talk to me. I almost NEVER turned you guys down if you were hanging out and I was just playing video games. At the time all I did was play CS, and I can easily log out of that whenever. If you'd just call me... ugh. You picked Rachel over me, and that's clear to ANYONE and you're all idiots if you can't see it yourself. Still Rachel is more of a friend to me now than any of you are. I wish you all well, but goddamnit quit blaming me for everything.
I haven't called Drew, because I'm a piece of shit, and scared.
I'm afraid of everything that's good for me because I'm afraid to grow up.
I'm considering joining the Navy again, because it's the only way I can think of to really push myself forward in life. It might just be an easy way out, though, I don't know :(
I just need out of my parents house, as fast as possible.
Cat, gimme your AIM so we can keep in touch more.
My last entry was more or less related to trial. I was convicted of a felony and I'm now on probation for 2 years. Probation is sloppy, and while I'm forced to do community service for the courts (Called SWAP) I have the entire 2 years to do it. Still, every time I go in I'm told I "have to sign up for it immediately" and.. I will. I also have to go to anger management, which is a complete crock as I've never struck anyone out of anger since I was in Jr. High. I barely even verbally fight with anyone to the point of a screaming match. If I have to go I'm gonna go and listen to what they have to say with an open mind, but I still find it comically ridiculous.
I quit my job shortly after the trial. My friends testified for me... and I realized I hadn't seen them in a very long time. I decided I should spend more time with them... and I guess I haven't really kept up my end of the deal. I got a job working mornings that I also recently quit, but I applied at yet another job and I'm waiting for them to call me back. I know the manager at the new job and I'm certain I'll get hired, so it's really no big deal.
That's what's been going on, but that's not what's going through my head.
I've been keeping strange hours lately, and fighting with my parents a lot. I'm wondering where my life is headed... and it really doesn't look good. What little optimism there is in my future could easily be thwarted by my own self-destruction which I really think stems from an underlying low sense of self worth. My mom thinks something is wrong with me, and it's hard to argue with that. My dad agrees, and he smokes pot every day of his life.
I was seeing a girl who was very good for me. She motivated me, made me feel good about myself, and genuinely seemed to be... infatuated with me. I stopped returning her calls about a week ago, and stopped shaving, and didn't leave my house. I don't for the life of me know why.
This whole entry is turning into one big pity post. hahah I just started wondering if anyone from DKP will be reading this... god that'd be hilarious. I love validating you guys. For the record, by the way, you stopped being my friend... not the other way around... and it pisses me off every time you suggest otherwise. You were all too busy hanging out with Rachel to ever talk to me. I almost NEVER turned you guys down if you were hanging out and I was just playing video games. At the time all I did was play CS, and I can easily log out of that whenever. If you'd just call me... ugh. You picked Rachel over me, and that's clear to ANYONE and you're all idiots if you can't see it yourself. Still Rachel is more of a friend to me now than any of you are. I wish you all well, but goddamnit quit blaming me for everything.
I haven't called Drew, because I'm a piece of shit, and scared.
I'm afraid of everything that's good for me because I'm afraid to grow up.
I'm considering joining the Navy again, because it's the only way I can think of to really push myself forward in life. It might just be an easy way out, though, I don't know :(
I just need out of my parents house, as fast as possible.
Cat, gimme your AIM so we can keep in touch more.