(no subject)
when i was a kid i never knew i was little. i'd hang out with the big kids and not understand the things they said or things they did. i remember sheets and tears and stories in newspapers. i remember coffins and people and people and people and the vest she was wearing and the way her brown hair curled over her face and the sleepy smile that made me want to shake her to wake her up or just do something say something say anything wake up please. i remember sleeping and voices and singing and it all being over and going home. it was like no one cared enough to stick around for an hour more, for a year more. and in my little kid brain i swore i'd never know people like this or never come near people like this, i'd never become this. but you can't predict the future and you don't know when the good in people just suddenly dies off. no matter how much you love the person, they don't really truely care because they happen to be too selfish. and its not like anything you ever say will take effect, its not like they will read one single letter you wrote them telling them how much you hated this and how much it killed you inside and how much you loved them you loved them so fucking much. and then you figure everything out and you give up on those people. you brush them off as they did you, so when they come back, if they ever do, you'd turn the other direction and they would sit and wonder why you did that you were such a loyal trusting friend why did you push someone in need so far away. because i fucking tried, i tried too hard to help someone because i swore the day my sister died that i would never be friends with these kinds of people and i would never become this kind of person and i knew that they were good people inside but something made that go away and something made them monsters that pushed me away when all i did was try to help. so yeah you go ahead, stick to your plans. things are fucked anyways