(no subject)
what do you do when you can physically see your mistakes? lines and tracks and the distance this walk takes. back and forth from the front porch to the final step on the ladder. are you supposed to keep calling them mistakes? even when you wish just for a second you couldn't or that these mistakes had never happened. in the daylight things seem more vivid and you seem more aware of your surroundings and the eyes that can see you peering over from a house built out of something you know nothing about. how inside that house you spent most nights laughing and having a good time with what seemed like a new family to you. what do you do when that family rejects you? when there is a bad seed amoungst the few you've loved for so long. how can one person turn your life around when they didn't mean that much to you in the first place? no one died, no one even cared enough. but its that one little thing, just a few short words that can make or break you. and how do you know what the words do? are you supposed to sit with your mistakes when you see them, or maybe you are supposed to disreggared them as if they didn't exist. how do you tell someone that they were a mistake when the person who made you believe they were was a mistake as well? and if you are the person everyone goes to when they are utterly depressed and seeking some sort of answer, who do you go to for answers? and why is it when you ask someone, they never know what to say? why is it that we can pretend to have all the answers and make up some story of being in love and breaking some hearts and falling into some sort of spiraling depression when we know its not true and we are merely trying to sympathize with someone we thought we knew but truely barely know. and what do we do after this? do we continue hating ourselves for everything we've done and go on hearing noises and seeing ghosts and falling down holes? i always wanted to be that person who got it good, someone everyone thought nicely of. i've never made it that far. it seems on my way to being someone good i slip up and fall down a hole. and i was taught when i was little to never blame things on other people, so i blame everything on myself. but what do you do when your life stops and turns another direction? what do you do when you didn't want it to? you were happy being locked in a house with a new family. what do you do when everything crashes into a brick wall? please don't confront me with my failures because i have not forgotten them.