years have been rolling by...
years have been rolling by
i've grown up
or at least I have to some degree
things change so much over the years
new relationships new friends new loves new hates new desires new everything
and old everything
and i dont know what i mean but I know i am at that point where just looking at things will help
i havent changed so much that this time of year doesn't get to me...
it is still so hard around this time of year
i have bad dreams
i cant sleep
i cant be alone
but i only want to be alone
so i drink and drink and smoke and smoke
and pretend that surrounding my drunk self with drunk others is the same thing as being alone with people
what i really want
what i really need
is someone, not even someone in that way, to be there for me to sleep beside at night
who will listen to me mumble about silly things and thoughts in my silly head and will think it is all quite okay..
more than okay
amazing in fact
be amazed by me for me
i want to be amazed by someone for them
anyway, this time of year
so hard when you know what is making you act like a fuck up but there is nothing to do
so sad how things can still rip you in two after so long
so hard to not always try to be tough and unworried about it
so sad that until that october I was such an innocent little girl
how could you take that away from me?
how could you ever think it was your right to do that...
we live in a society that sexualizes everyone, especially young girls so that it is hardly just your fault
it is societies fault
it is the parents the teachers the government and MY own fault
it is everyone's fault as long as we continue to let it happen
but in this personal situation, the burden will always fall mostly to me
it will always be MY fault in my head and the years of therapy and medication wont change that
knowing is different than believing
there will never be a chance that i wont feel that i did it
i was the slutty 14 year old right? as slutty as a barely-kissed 14 yr old can be...
but play that game play that game
everyone can play that game and convince me
and you convinced me and you scared me
but i wanted to feel grown up
so grown up because my sister was so grown up and i was 14 and in our society you should be grown up then
and the shaking and the shivering and knowing there is no going back now
cant say no cant do anything
just lay there dont be too scared
right of passage just grin and bear it
what is there to do
let it happen close your eyes
no dont be left alone in your own head
open them open them
look at the ceiling
let it turn in to all the shapes and colors of the rainbow and the sun and the moon and the stars
go away
fly away
dont be there
and be sure
never
never
ever
to come back
fully
always keep part of your head
and especially your heart
floating somewhere just out of focus
with the rainbow and the sun and the moon and the stars
i've grown up
or at least I have to some degree
things change so much over the years
new relationships new friends new loves new hates new desires new everything
and old everything
and i dont know what i mean but I know i am at that point where just looking at things will help
i havent changed so much that this time of year doesn't get to me...
it is still so hard around this time of year
i have bad dreams
i cant sleep
i cant be alone
but i only want to be alone
so i drink and drink and smoke and smoke
and pretend that surrounding my drunk self with drunk others is the same thing as being alone with people
what i really want
what i really need
is someone, not even someone in that way, to be there for me to sleep beside at night
who will listen to me mumble about silly things and thoughts in my silly head and will think it is all quite okay..
more than okay
amazing in fact
be amazed by me for me
i want to be amazed by someone for them
anyway, this time of year
so hard when you know what is making you act like a fuck up but there is nothing to do
so sad how things can still rip you in two after so long
so hard to not always try to be tough and unworried about it
so sad that until that october I was such an innocent little girl
how could you take that away from me?
how could you ever think it was your right to do that...
we live in a society that sexualizes everyone, especially young girls so that it is hardly just your fault
it is societies fault
it is the parents the teachers the government and MY own fault
it is everyone's fault as long as we continue to let it happen
but in this personal situation, the burden will always fall mostly to me
it will always be MY fault in my head and the years of therapy and medication wont change that
knowing is different than believing
there will never be a chance that i wont feel that i did it
i was the slutty 14 year old right? as slutty as a barely-kissed 14 yr old can be...
but play that game play that game
everyone can play that game and convince me
and you convinced me and you scared me
but i wanted to feel grown up
so grown up because my sister was so grown up and i was 14 and in our society you should be grown up then
and the shaking and the shivering and knowing there is no going back now
cant say no cant do anything
just lay there dont be too scared
right of passage just grin and bear it
what is there to do
let it happen close your eyes
no dont be left alone in your own head
open them open them
look at the ceiling
let it turn in to all the shapes and colors of the rainbow and the sun and the moon and the stars
go away
fly away
dont be there
and be sure
never
never
ever
to come back
fully
always keep part of your head
and especially your heart
floating somewhere just out of focus
with the rainbow and the sun and the moon and the stars