something i've needed to say for a long time
it has been sixteen weeks since I’ve written. it's been so long because i haven't allowed myself to feel anything. a lot of things have happened, to say the least. somehow i have managed to block it all out, push it all down. after the changes in friendships, relationships, and the deaths that have occurred, i barely recognize myself anymore. i have always found stability in the security of other people; maybe because i couldn't find that in myself. recently i've found that this is a horrible idea, and the only person you can rely on is yourself, and even you will change.
i've had this friend since before i can remember. we were the kind of friends people envied. the kind of friends people would look at and know that they would be friends forever. but what do people know? honestly, it kills me to think about the changes that have occurred. i used to know this person inside and out. we would tell each other everything, never fearing that we would judge one another. my first happy memories as a child were shared with this friend. not a lot of people can say that. i always put too much trust and too much effort into relationships, and i think that’s what happened with this friendship, because in the end, i was the one who was hurt. and being hurt is an understatement. It’s the kind of pain you feel all the time, but you can't express. it's with you all the time so you grow used to it. and you think, how could people that you love so much, make you feel such an emotion, that you make an excuse for pain to be an every day emotion. it just isn't right. and i know that people change, but how can one person change so much that you could live your whole lives being best friends, and then one day not know each other? i would have killed for this friendship. and the last time i saw her she acted like she didn't even know me. did you forget the last 18 years we shared together? did you forget EVERYTHING we had been together? i remember everything; the good, and the bad... there was a lot. the thing is, even after everything, i would forgive her. i love her. she is my best friend, even now. i would do anything in the world to make our friendship be the way it was before, but i can NOT be the only one putting effort forth. i can't. it's been months, almost a year now of me calling her repeatedly with no response. it's like i was erased from her life. i think that she thinks she is better than me now. i think that is very shallow. and that is not the person she is. and madeline, if you are reading this, i hope you know i love you, and i miss you every day.
after the last three years, i thought i would never fall in love again. i had given up all hope, and was willing to settle for just not being alone. all of that changed when i moved, and found everything i had been looking for. i found things i didn't even know existed. i fell in love with my best friend, and as most girls would agree, that is everyone’s dream come true. and it happened out of nowhere, one day it just hit me; that feeling that you trust and depend on someone so much u can't ever imagine leaving their side. at first it scared me so much, i was comfortable being in relationships that didn't demand real feelings and didn't expect any promises. i finally realized not everyone was out to hurt me, and when i finally opened up i found myself. i love him with all my heart. i've been praying for this for so long, and now that i have it i am so scared to lose it. it's such a blessing in my life, and i feel like i don't have the capability to show how grateful i am. he lives four hours away, and i feel like a part of my life is missing. he gives me such strength and hope. he fills in all the empty spaces. i had been lacking so much, and now everything feels complete. i am still scared. not many people are lucky to find this, and he's so far away. i only see him once every two weeks now, and it is a true test. we are doing so well, and I’m so proud and thankful, but i am still scared. he's the first boy i've trusted in so long. i know he would never hurt me, yet i am scared of what the distance might do to us. i try to have faith, god that's the only thing that keeps me going. i'm just nervous that i will screw this up, like i have before. i love him too much to lose him, and the pressure that puts on me to be perfect is overwhelming. i know it sounds stupid, but when you love someone all you want to do is to be everything they want, and what if i'm not?
one of my close friends recently committed suicide and it was a loss that i haven't been able to deal with. i have dealt with it like i deal with every other problem, pretending it didn't happen. i haven't been doing well. i keep having nightmares, and sometimes i just break down out of nowhere. i feel like i could have done something more. i feel like i should have been a better friend. i can't get it out of my mind. the regret and resentment just stay with me, and i haven't been the same since. i need help dealing with this. i've been dealing with it by ignoring it, and drinking way too much. he was the first boy i ever kissed. how can i ever forget him? and the question is.. what is wrong with me that i would want to forget that? how can i be so weak as to forget someone who meant so much to me rather than just deal with the pain? sometimes i feel like i am a bad person. this past year has been so hard. i feel as if i'm not as strong as i once was. i'm not sure of a lot of things anymore, but god i miss you matt. i miss you every day. you are in my dreams, and in my heart, even if the pain is too much to bare.
although it has been a trying couple of months, i have been pulling through. my family, friends, and boyfriend have been more supportive than i could have ever imagined. i AM happy, it is just a shock to me that so much could change in so little time. i have taken for granted all the good things that i have in my life. i will never, ever take my blessing for granted again.
i've had this friend since before i can remember. we were the kind of friends people envied. the kind of friends people would look at and know that they would be friends forever. but what do people know? honestly, it kills me to think about the changes that have occurred. i used to know this person inside and out. we would tell each other everything, never fearing that we would judge one another. my first happy memories as a child were shared with this friend. not a lot of people can say that. i always put too much trust and too much effort into relationships, and i think that’s what happened with this friendship, because in the end, i was the one who was hurt. and being hurt is an understatement. It’s the kind of pain you feel all the time, but you can't express. it's with you all the time so you grow used to it. and you think, how could people that you love so much, make you feel such an emotion, that you make an excuse for pain to be an every day emotion. it just isn't right. and i know that people change, but how can one person change so much that you could live your whole lives being best friends, and then one day not know each other? i would have killed for this friendship. and the last time i saw her she acted like she didn't even know me. did you forget the last 18 years we shared together? did you forget EVERYTHING we had been together? i remember everything; the good, and the bad... there was a lot. the thing is, even after everything, i would forgive her. i love her. she is my best friend, even now. i would do anything in the world to make our friendship be the way it was before, but i can NOT be the only one putting effort forth. i can't. it's been months, almost a year now of me calling her repeatedly with no response. it's like i was erased from her life. i think that she thinks she is better than me now. i think that is very shallow. and that is not the person she is. and madeline, if you are reading this, i hope you know i love you, and i miss you every day.
after the last three years, i thought i would never fall in love again. i had given up all hope, and was willing to settle for just not being alone. all of that changed when i moved, and found everything i had been looking for. i found things i didn't even know existed. i fell in love with my best friend, and as most girls would agree, that is everyone’s dream come true. and it happened out of nowhere, one day it just hit me; that feeling that you trust and depend on someone so much u can't ever imagine leaving their side. at first it scared me so much, i was comfortable being in relationships that didn't demand real feelings and didn't expect any promises. i finally realized not everyone was out to hurt me, and when i finally opened up i found myself. i love him with all my heart. i've been praying for this for so long, and now that i have it i am so scared to lose it. it's such a blessing in my life, and i feel like i don't have the capability to show how grateful i am. he lives four hours away, and i feel like a part of my life is missing. he gives me such strength and hope. he fills in all the empty spaces. i had been lacking so much, and now everything feels complete. i am still scared. not many people are lucky to find this, and he's so far away. i only see him once every two weeks now, and it is a true test. we are doing so well, and I’m so proud and thankful, but i am still scared. he's the first boy i've trusted in so long. i know he would never hurt me, yet i am scared of what the distance might do to us. i try to have faith, god that's the only thing that keeps me going. i'm just nervous that i will screw this up, like i have before. i love him too much to lose him, and the pressure that puts on me to be perfect is overwhelming. i know it sounds stupid, but when you love someone all you want to do is to be everything they want, and what if i'm not?
one of my close friends recently committed suicide and it was a loss that i haven't been able to deal with. i have dealt with it like i deal with every other problem, pretending it didn't happen. i haven't been doing well. i keep having nightmares, and sometimes i just break down out of nowhere. i feel like i could have done something more. i feel like i should have been a better friend. i can't get it out of my mind. the regret and resentment just stay with me, and i haven't been the same since. i need help dealing with this. i've been dealing with it by ignoring it, and drinking way too much. he was the first boy i ever kissed. how can i ever forget him? and the question is.. what is wrong with me that i would want to forget that? how can i be so weak as to forget someone who meant so much to me rather than just deal with the pain? sometimes i feel like i am a bad person. this past year has been so hard. i feel as if i'm not as strong as i once was. i'm not sure of a lot of things anymore, but god i miss you matt. i miss you every day. you are in my dreams, and in my heart, even if the pain is too much to bare.
although it has been a trying couple of months, i have been pulling through. my family, friends, and boyfriend have been more supportive than i could have ever imagined. i AM happy, it is just a shock to me that so much could change in so little time. i have taken for granted all the good things that i have in my life. i will never, ever take my blessing for granted again.