I feel like writing this
I don't know why, but i feel like i need to put this somewhere. It's not like I'm going to forget it any time soon.
When i was 16, I got my first boyfriend names James. We all called him Jay, though. He liked that better. I was kind of partial to James for some reason, but that's neither here nor there. Jay was a pretty cool guy, at least by my standards and as far as memory allows me to recall. He was taller than I am, maybe about 6', 6'1"? He had some facial hair that I liked a lot, brown, cut short just like the stuff on top of his head. He stooped a bit, but I did too in those days so it that didn't bother me much. I met him through a mutual friend, a girl I went to martial arts class with, and the first time we ever met I drove to his house, sat on his couch with him, played a little bit of Super Smash Brothers Melée and was held by him. I loved that. That was the first time I was ever touched by another man, in that way, just held and rested against him. It was just after school, probably on a Monday, because I think I had tae kwon do later that night, which was timed pretty well because he had practice for color guard around 4pm or so. I told him I'd drive him, but that he might have to find his own ride home, and he said that was ok, he'd do it. The drive took about half an hour, I'd like to say, and we talked and laughed, and debated on whatever trivial stuff we thought of. I think we talked about why Peach was a pussy compared to Zelda. Zelda has magic powers, of course she wins. We pulled into the parking lot of his high school, and it took me a little while to find a parking space because I didn't have a lot of self confidence in those days and didn't know if I was allowed to park in some places, and other places I deemed too difficult to try to enter. Eventually I settled on a spot, and he grabbed his stuff and we sat there for a bit in silence that was admittedly a little awkward. I looked at him, leaned over, and we kissed. That was the first time I'd ever put my lips to another man, and I liked it. I wished him "Good luck" for his practice, and he smiled and thanked me, and got out. I tried to call my friend Andrea but she didn't answer, so I called my friend Jessica instead. She didn't answer either, so I left her a voice message detailing how excited and giddy i was. I got a text message later that read "Nice!"
That was in September, I think. November is when my birthday is, November 21st, and I was pretty excited because it would be the first time I would have a boyfriend during a birthday. For the first few weeks of November, I didn't hear much from him, but we caught each other online or I drove up for a short afternoon every now and then. I could never stay long, though. Once his mom showed up I had to go. He wasn't out to his parents, and as far as they knew, I was just a friend who was busy a lot. November 21st came and went, and I didn't get any phone calls from him wishing me a happy birthday, or emails, or anything really. I called him and left a voice mail. Thanksgiving came and went, and the same happened. I thought that maybe I'd done something wrong, and I wanted to make it up to him. I didn't know how, though. My friend Justin and I went to Smiles Amusement Center, some arcade-y place, and I got enough tickets to get some shit little pillow in the shape of an ace of spades. I was pretty into cards for some reason at that time, so I figured it'd be nice and remind him of me. I was going to give it to him for Christmas. I can't remember when his birthday was.
A little while after that, I got into contact with him again. On AIM, it was, at some small hour of the morning. I was angry at this point, resentful because I thought if he didn't want to go out with me, all he had to do was say so and save me the pain and bitterness I was feeling. He told me that around my birthday, he went to go to his car so he could come see me, and his parents asked where he was going. He let it slip that he was going to his boyfriend's house. They didn't approve. He said that they had taken away his phone and his internet access, called his workplace to make sure he was there, and had his brothers and teachers call them to make sure he went to school. When not a work or school, he was home. Jay was put under house arrest, and that was why he hadn't called me or anything. I told him that it was ok, and that I was willing to wait it out until his parents mellowed out. He told me they weren't likely to do that.
We didn't see or speak to each very much for months. I think it was about a six-month relationship, that started in September or October. I left him a voice mail on Valentines day, and I got a Facebook message from him that said the same. I didn't share many of my feelings with people during this time, aside from Justin and Andrea. Justin knows much more than Andrea does. He could tell you how I felt during this time, but I'm sure you can get the general idea of it. I don't want to go into that right now.
Anyway, the last time I saw Jay was towards the end of our relationship, obviously. He did color guard, like I said earlier, and he was pretty good at it if my inexperienced eye could tell. I asked him when one of his competitions was, and told him I was going. He was nervous, because his parents were going to be there, and although they still didn't know I was his boyfriend, he was scared. That's OK, Jay. I was scared too. I went, paid to get in. Think it might've been about eight dollars or so. It was in his high school's gym, and i sat on the bleacher's closest to the exit because I didn't really like standing in front of crowds back then so I took the first seat I could find. I saw Jay's parents on the opposite end, and I was a mad at them then, but I smiled anyway. At least they were supporting their son in something. I couldn't be angry at them for that. There were a few performances with some good music, and a really nice one to My Chemical Romance's "The Black Parade." I don't like that band, didn't much like them then either, but it was a fantastic performance. I wish I remembered more about it than that it was good.
Jay's team came on a while later, and I can't remember the music they did their routine to. It was great though, and I stood up and clapped along with other people when they were done. I don't remember if he won, because i wasn't there. I left a little bit before the awards were to be distributed. I went to see him after the performance when he was with his team. They all knew he was gay, and knew we were going out, so they gave us space. I liked them. But his parents were still there, and I didn't want to make his life harder than it was at the time, so there were no admissions of love. We didn't hug. We didn't kiss. I bought him a carnation at one of the tables, the sort of things they give to team members alongside trophies. Good luck, you were great, have a great time. I'll see you later.
And that was the last time I saw Jay for a while. He moved to Florida a little while after high school, liked it. He wanted to get away from his parents. He moved back to CT, and I met up with him again once with Kelly. Kelly knows that story, she's the only one that knows the whole story, I think. I can't remember. I haven't seen Jay since spring semester of Freshman year. I miss him. I miss him a lot, but I don't know if I miss him, or if I miss how I felt when i first met him and we sat on his couch and I was held.
Cheers.
When i was 16, I got my first boyfriend names James. We all called him Jay, though. He liked that better. I was kind of partial to James for some reason, but that's neither here nor there. Jay was a pretty cool guy, at least by my standards and as far as memory allows me to recall. He was taller than I am, maybe about 6', 6'1"? He had some facial hair that I liked a lot, brown, cut short just like the stuff on top of his head. He stooped a bit, but I did too in those days so it that didn't bother me much. I met him through a mutual friend, a girl I went to martial arts class with, and the first time we ever met I drove to his house, sat on his couch with him, played a little bit of Super Smash Brothers Melée and was held by him. I loved that. That was the first time I was ever touched by another man, in that way, just held and rested against him. It was just after school, probably on a Monday, because I think I had tae kwon do later that night, which was timed pretty well because he had practice for color guard around 4pm or so. I told him I'd drive him, but that he might have to find his own ride home, and he said that was ok, he'd do it. The drive took about half an hour, I'd like to say, and we talked and laughed, and debated on whatever trivial stuff we thought of. I think we talked about why Peach was a pussy compared to Zelda. Zelda has magic powers, of course she wins. We pulled into the parking lot of his high school, and it took me a little while to find a parking space because I didn't have a lot of self confidence in those days and didn't know if I was allowed to park in some places, and other places I deemed too difficult to try to enter. Eventually I settled on a spot, and he grabbed his stuff and we sat there for a bit in silence that was admittedly a little awkward. I looked at him, leaned over, and we kissed. That was the first time I'd ever put my lips to another man, and I liked it. I wished him "Good luck" for his practice, and he smiled and thanked me, and got out. I tried to call my friend Andrea but she didn't answer, so I called my friend Jessica instead. She didn't answer either, so I left her a voice message detailing how excited and giddy i was. I got a text message later that read "Nice!"
That was in September, I think. November is when my birthday is, November 21st, and I was pretty excited because it would be the first time I would have a boyfriend during a birthday. For the first few weeks of November, I didn't hear much from him, but we caught each other online or I drove up for a short afternoon every now and then. I could never stay long, though. Once his mom showed up I had to go. He wasn't out to his parents, and as far as they knew, I was just a friend who was busy a lot. November 21st came and went, and I didn't get any phone calls from him wishing me a happy birthday, or emails, or anything really. I called him and left a voice mail. Thanksgiving came and went, and the same happened. I thought that maybe I'd done something wrong, and I wanted to make it up to him. I didn't know how, though. My friend Justin and I went to Smiles Amusement Center, some arcade-y place, and I got enough tickets to get some shit little pillow in the shape of an ace of spades. I was pretty into cards for some reason at that time, so I figured it'd be nice and remind him of me. I was going to give it to him for Christmas. I can't remember when his birthday was.
A little while after that, I got into contact with him again. On AIM, it was, at some small hour of the morning. I was angry at this point, resentful because I thought if he didn't want to go out with me, all he had to do was say so and save me the pain and bitterness I was feeling. He told me that around my birthday, he went to go to his car so he could come see me, and his parents asked where he was going. He let it slip that he was going to his boyfriend's house. They didn't approve. He said that they had taken away his phone and his internet access, called his workplace to make sure he was there, and had his brothers and teachers call them to make sure he went to school. When not a work or school, he was home. Jay was put under house arrest, and that was why he hadn't called me or anything. I told him that it was ok, and that I was willing to wait it out until his parents mellowed out. He told me they weren't likely to do that.
We didn't see or speak to each very much for months. I think it was about a six-month relationship, that started in September or October. I left him a voice mail on Valentines day, and I got a Facebook message from him that said the same. I didn't share many of my feelings with people during this time, aside from Justin and Andrea. Justin knows much more than Andrea does. He could tell you how I felt during this time, but I'm sure you can get the general idea of it. I don't want to go into that right now.
Anyway, the last time I saw Jay was towards the end of our relationship, obviously. He did color guard, like I said earlier, and he was pretty good at it if my inexperienced eye could tell. I asked him when one of his competitions was, and told him I was going. He was nervous, because his parents were going to be there, and although they still didn't know I was his boyfriend, he was scared. That's OK, Jay. I was scared too. I went, paid to get in. Think it might've been about eight dollars or so. It was in his high school's gym, and i sat on the bleacher's closest to the exit because I didn't really like standing in front of crowds back then so I took the first seat I could find. I saw Jay's parents on the opposite end, and I was a mad at them then, but I smiled anyway. At least they were supporting their son in something. I couldn't be angry at them for that. There were a few performances with some good music, and a really nice one to My Chemical Romance's "The Black Parade." I don't like that band, didn't much like them then either, but it was a fantastic performance. I wish I remembered more about it than that it was good.
Jay's team came on a while later, and I can't remember the music they did their routine to. It was great though, and I stood up and clapped along with other people when they were done. I don't remember if he won, because i wasn't there. I left a little bit before the awards were to be distributed. I went to see him after the performance when he was with his team. They all knew he was gay, and knew we were going out, so they gave us space. I liked them. But his parents were still there, and I didn't want to make his life harder than it was at the time, so there were no admissions of love. We didn't hug. We didn't kiss. I bought him a carnation at one of the tables, the sort of things they give to team members alongside trophies. Good luck, you were great, have a great time. I'll see you later.
And that was the last time I saw Jay for a while. He moved to Florida a little while after high school, liked it. He wanted to get away from his parents. He moved back to CT, and I met up with him again once with Kelly. Kelly knows that story, she's the only one that knows the whole story, I think. I can't remember. I haven't seen Jay since spring semester of Freshman year. I miss him. I miss him a lot, but I don't know if I miss him, or if I miss how I felt when i first met him and we sat on his couch and I was held.
Cheers.