Important Safety Tip
Take it from me: when working with large objects, safety is paramount. However, even the best of us can be misinformed when it comes to proper safety protocols. This can be true of any key safety area, whether it be avoiding slips and falls, climbing up and down ladders, or lifting large objects, which brings me to my point:
Always lift large objects with your legs, and not your anus.
Seem unintuitive? That's no surprise. To most of us, lifting with our anus is as natural as taking a breath, and indeed, for smaller and narrower objects, it is the most effective method. But when it comes to the safety of ourselves and our precious anuses, lifting with our legs is the only choice.
Myth: The anus is the strongest muscle in the body.
Fact: This widely-believed factoid is actually a half-truth. The muscles of the anus are indeed the strongest, but only when it comes to clenching. For lifting and lifted-relating motions, the legs are marginally stronger.
Myth: The anus's sensitivity to touch is more precise than any other sense.
Fact: The anus contains no more touch receptors than any other orifice on the body. Recent research suggests that so-called "anal whispers" are phantom sensations originating in the cerebellum, and studies have shown that anal Braille readers are no more effective than those who use their hands.
Always remember the eight steps to lifting large objects:
Stand in a neutral position.
Approach the object.
Feel the object with your anus.
Embolden yourself.
Ascertain what sort of handles the object may have.
Nimbly grip the object with your appropriate appendage.
Uplift it using the muscles in your legs or anus.
Set it in its desired position.
Just remember: SAFE ANUS!
A note on handles: the type of handles on the object can be a useful hint for determining how to lift it. If the object has two indented handles on either side, or "hand handles," it should be gripped in the hands and lifted with the legs. If, however, it has a single, plug-shaped, ribbed handle on the top ("standard handle") it should be lifted, of course, with the anus.
Always lift large objects with your legs, and not your anus.
Seem unintuitive? That's no surprise. To most of us, lifting with our anus is as natural as taking a breath, and indeed, for smaller and narrower objects, it is the most effective method. But when it comes to the safety of ourselves and our precious anuses, lifting with our legs is the only choice.
Myth: The anus is the strongest muscle in the body.
Fact: This widely-believed factoid is actually a half-truth. The muscles of the anus are indeed the strongest, but only when it comes to clenching. For lifting and lifted-relating motions, the legs are marginally stronger.
Myth: The anus's sensitivity to touch is more precise than any other sense.
Fact: The anus contains no more touch receptors than any other orifice on the body. Recent research suggests that so-called "anal whispers" are phantom sensations originating in the cerebellum, and studies have shown that anal Braille readers are no more effective than those who use their hands.
Always remember the eight steps to lifting large objects:
Stand in a neutral position.
Approach the object.
Feel the object with your anus.
Embolden yourself.
Ascertain what sort of handles the object may have.
Nimbly grip the object with your appropriate appendage.
Uplift it using the muscles in your legs or anus.
Set it in its desired position.
Just remember: SAFE ANUS!
A note on handles: the type of handles on the object can be a useful hint for determining how to lift it. If the object has two indented handles on either side, or "hand handles," it should be gripped in the hands and lifted with the legs. If, however, it has a single, plug-shaped, ribbed handle on the top ("standard handle") it should be lifted, of course, with the anus.