Despite holding on
Title: Despite Holding On
Author: m_st4ever
Pairing: Junseung
Rating: PG
Summary:After Opening his heart again, Hyunseung finds himself betrayed and damaged just like how he was once.
Author's Notes:This my debut fic on the community, please look after me well *bow*.
This fic is inspired strongly by "Despite holding on" by Noel. As much as I love BEAST, Noel's infamous original version is just emotional and heartbreaking, exactly the right material to back ground while writing or reading. You can download it here.
I know it's not strong or the right genre to debut with, but I feel a sense of satisfaction with it because unlike my usual writings, this time I write while thinking about the readers alot more. I did not rush this time as well, and only write when I have the feeling to, so to me it's an obtained price after a hiatus in writing and learn many new things. Please look after me nicely *bow* :)
“Let’s break up”
It’s very hard to say
But now we’re no longer together, I’m sorry.
Guilt slithers upward, devours all the right words he thought over and over for months to say.
But he made sure to decelerate the car down and give the Bambi time to cross didn’t he? Then why are those doe eyes are moist with astonishment, and that graceful body now looks so beautifully numb with agony? Why does he feel stabbing the life out of himself is the only way to get rid of the remorse if a sacrosanct stone rolls down those blanched cheeks?
※
Saying goodbye does not really hurt
He should have taken those omens given by the other, but no, his abnegating mind was too in denial to believe in any of those.
Callous from saying good-bye, so why is the adrenaline now gushing through his veins ripping off fibers after fibers of life in him?
What hurts me more is you telling me to be happy with another
Those words impale him; enervate every muscle in that slender body,each and every fiber scathed by piercing spikes of memories. He doesn’t want to hate the other, but a sense of animosity stings his eyes.
‘You can only be mine, ok Bambi?’
He gags up inaudible snickers at the excruciatingly laughable memory.
Happiness and Love are the two most beautiful roses of the bush, they say. But every time he tries to take a sniff and hope he could get it like everybody else, always end up falling into bushes of prickles. They are too sacred for the despicable him.
And you turn around, leaving me alone
Animosity and repulsion -his mind like a maelstrom can’t make-up whom it’s aimed toward- collide while repel, and the true image of love unveils itself to him now more than ever. The Civil war of the amorphously recondite emotions is tediously taking its toll on his crumbled effete self.
He desires so dearly to wash away the insuperable sting in his burning eyes with tears, but there are none…
He importunes with all the will he has left, to break down and let his arduous body rest, but he’s still…
Every inch of him that belongs to this space and dimension is torn and ache nebulously.
… but only his heart, the only place that is now so… peaceful… detached… vacant… dull…
‘Is it …dead?’ the only thought that could manage to cross his mind.
I really love you
Yes it’s true
※
I’m sorry, I’m asking for forgiveness
For not keeping the promises
I hate myself
Now all your dreams are all scattered away
I deserve to only be love by myself
I felt that
The revulsion and animosity toward himself aggrandize throughout his form, make his tongue grows dry, the acrid taste of loathes besiege his taste buds.
After all, he’s ruthless enough for ripping up the perfect painting they drew with love and hope everyday
After all, he’s brutal enough to do this after encouraging the other’s heart to open again with his nonstop promises of “I love you”s, “Forever”s, “always”s.
After all, he’s merciless enough to make his- once his- Junoesque deer that he treasures so much, now statuesque, still-life like an exquisite magnum opus any artist would die to have laid their eyes upon. He was once captivated by the magnificence of this flawless being; he is still; he will forever be.
※
I want to hold you again
But in the end I can’t
Because now I can’t reach your hand anymore
Now I’m sending
My love, goodbye.
All the air within him is drained out, and with the other walked out the door despite his subdued pleading . Emotions that were so contained are too acidic, eating him inside out. His knees, which languidly uphold the crumbled physique, now give in, and let the body slumps into an aesthetically wrecked debacle.
The pain is too excruciating.
He makes an effort on trying to stop himself from trembling violently with leaking tears and bitter sobs as he curled himself into a quivering ball, hands pressing over his chest to prevent it from exploding. Framed memories now in shattered to shards, piercing through every nerve and veins.
The pain is too intoxicating.
Lying there, like a marvelously ruined mess, he detests his stupid self.
Why did he ever believe in the idea of to love and being loved again? Can he live and learn to forgive his foolish self for making the same mistake twice? The cut opens new flesh and old scar, but this time, he doesn’t think it would ever heal. His arms covered with bite-marks and blood, held onto the quivering shoulders, leaving blood finger-prints burning on his fair skin. Tormenting himself physically is the only way to divert the throbbing mental breakdown. His body keeps judder, but a sense of satisfaction derives at the metallic taste of blood; he knows he needs to teach himself some lessons.
※
“I’m going to miss you like crazy”
I want to tell you that
I hoped we would have a beautiful ending
But now I’m sending
My love, goodbye.
Wiping any traces of tear on his cheeks, he closes the door. Even though he was so sure he has found a new happiness, he can’t help but chokes on sobs as the image of his sun-coated fur Bambi crushed by his own words. But he wants no regret to be felt at when he thinks of this decision, so he decides to move on and truly wishes happiness for both of them.
But it’s still ok if he can’t stop the seeping gelid tears somehow… right?
Note: I spent tons of time to write Hyunseung's breakdown and the ironic feeling Junhyung feels for Hyunseung after the break up. I hope you guys find it readable. :) I'd like to post new on shots or short series soon, and I'm trying to develop my plot for the long series as well. Please advice me *bow* keke BYONG!
Author: m_st4ever
Pairing: Junseung
Rating: PG
Summary:After Opening his heart again, Hyunseung finds himself betrayed and damaged just like how he was once.
Author's Notes:This my debut fic on the community, please look after me well *bow*.
This fic is inspired strongly by "Despite holding on" by Noel. As much as I love BEAST, Noel's infamous original version is just emotional and heartbreaking, exactly the right material to back ground while writing or reading. You can download it here.
I know it's not strong or the right genre to debut with, but I feel a sense of satisfaction with it because unlike my usual writings, this time I write while thinking about the readers alot more. I did not rush this time as well, and only write when I have the feeling to, so to me it's an obtained price after a hiatus in writing and learn many new things. Please look after me nicely *bow* :)
“Let’s break up”
It’s very hard to say
But now we’re no longer together, I’m sorry.
Guilt slithers upward, devours all the right words he thought over and over for months to say.
But he made sure to decelerate the car down and give the Bambi time to cross didn’t he? Then why are those doe eyes are moist with astonishment, and that graceful body now looks so beautifully numb with agony? Why does he feel stabbing the life out of himself is the only way to get rid of the remorse if a sacrosanct stone rolls down those blanched cheeks?
※
Saying goodbye does not really hurt
He should have taken those omens given by the other, but no, his abnegating mind was too in denial to believe in any of those.
Callous from saying good-bye, so why is the adrenaline now gushing through his veins ripping off fibers after fibers of life in him?
What hurts me more is you telling me to be happy with another
Those words impale him; enervate every muscle in that slender body,each and every fiber scathed by piercing spikes of memories. He doesn’t want to hate the other, but a sense of animosity stings his eyes.
‘You can only be mine, ok Bambi?’
He gags up inaudible snickers at the excruciatingly laughable memory.
Happiness and Love are the two most beautiful roses of the bush, they say. But every time he tries to take a sniff and hope he could get it like everybody else, always end up falling into bushes of prickles. They are too sacred for the despicable him.
And you turn around, leaving me alone
Animosity and repulsion -his mind like a maelstrom can’t make-up whom it’s aimed toward- collide while repel, and the true image of love unveils itself to him now more than ever. The Civil war of the amorphously recondite emotions is tediously taking its toll on his crumbled effete self.
He desires so dearly to wash away the insuperable sting in his burning eyes with tears, but there are none…
He importunes with all the will he has left, to break down and let his arduous body rest, but he’s still…
Every inch of him that belongs to this space and dimension is torn and ache nebulously.
… but only his heart, the only place that is now so… peaceful… detached… vacant… dull…
‘Is it …dead?’ the only thought that could manage to cross his mind.
I really love you
Yes it’s true
※
I’m sorry, I’m asking for forgiveness
For not keeping the promises
I hate myself
Now all your dreams are all scattered away
I deserve to only be love by myself
I felt that
The revulsion and animosity toward himself aggrandize throughout his form, make his tongue grows dry, the acrid taste of loathes besiege his taste buds.
After all, he’s ruthless enough for ripping up the perfect painting they drew with love and hope everyday
After all, he’s brutal enough to do this after encouraging the other’s heart to open again with his nonstop promises of “I love you”s, “Forever”s, “always”s.
After all, he’s merciless enough to make his- once his- Junoesque deer that he treasures so much, now statuesque, still-life like an exquisite magnum opus any artist would die to have laid their eyes upon. He was once captivated by the magnificence of this flawless being; he is still; he will forever be.
※
I want to hold you again
But in the end I can’t
Because now I can’t reach your hand anymore
Now I’m sending
My love, goodbye.
All the air within him is drained out, and with the other walked out the door despite his subdued pleading . Emotions that were so contained are too acidic, eating him inside out. His knees, which languidly uphold the crumbled physique, now give in, and let the body slumps into an aesthetically wrecked debacle.
The pain is too excruciating.
He makes an effort on trying to stop himself from trembling violently with leaking tears and bitter sobs as he curled himself into a quivering ball, hands pressing over his chest to prevent it from exploding. Framed memories now in shattered to shards, piercing through every nerve and veins.
The pain is too intoxicating.
Lying there, like a marvelously ruined mess, he detests his stupid self.
Why did he ever believe in the idea of to love and being loved again? Can he live and learn to forgive his foolish self for making the same mistake twice? The cut opens new flesh and old scar, but this time, he doesn’t think it would ever heal. His arms covered with bite-marks and blood, held onto the quivering shoulders, leaving blood finger-prints burning on his fair skin. Tormenting himself physically is the only way to divert the throbbing mental breakdown. His body keeps judder, but a sense of satisfaction derives at the metallic taste of blood; he knows he needs to teach himself some lessons.
※
“I’m going to miss you like crazy”
I want to tell you that
I hoped we would have a beautiful ending
But now I’m sending
My love, goodbye.
Wiping any traces of tear on his cheeks, he closes the door. Even though he was so sure he has found a new happiness, he can’t help but chokes on sobs as the image of his sun-coated fur Bambi crushed by his own words. But he wants no regret to be felt at when he thinks of this decision, so he decides to move on and truly wishes happiness for both of them.
But it’s still ok if he can’t stop the seeping gelid tears somehow… right?
Note: I spent tons of time to write Hyunseung's breakdown and the ironic feeling Junhyung feels for Hyunseung after the break up. I hope you guys find it readable. :) I'd like to post new on shots or short series soon, and I'm trying to develop my plot for the long series as well. Please advice me *bow* keke BYONG!