What of us (drabble)
A/N: So I’d read the discussions about Junhyung and the possibility of him having a girlfriend right now in the Junseung threat in B2R, and how they all would support him no matter what. Then they talked about how no matter what, they feel like Junhyung has a special feeling towards Hyunseung too even though it’s just bromance. I think it’s true so out of a random spurt at the moment, I decided to write this.This is terrible, but I feel like getting it off my chest before I could go back on my chaptered fics. But because I don’t have time to re-read or fix anything right now, it must have a lot of mistakes. Please critique me harshly!!! (Hyunseungie is so loved lately = happy me!!!)
Okay off to go study now!
Do I understand him? Heck no. It’s impossible to grasp this man’s bizarre ways of just... living. Every movement were done purely out of impulse. Without any second thought just blurts something out of intuition. His universe’s off our dimension, isolated from this world’s corrupted pace of evolving. Excluded from the crude train of time, forever pure in his own queer way. He doesn’t walk, he floats. And most of the times would just chirp in a language of his own. I’m an overlap image of him, his mother had said in the past. But really, as long as I’m human, I could never predict Jang Hyun Seung.
He dances well, I too don’t lose, and so does Ki Kwang. But it’s astounding how he graces the stage so effortless (or appeared so). He’s not that good looking, in my honest opinion. Very cute to look at, and quite pretty too, but there are so many awkwardness to his features. All down, he's not too special. Still strangely, there’s some sort of queer sparkle to this man that stuns you, and make your brain refuse any doubt to his symmetry. And that was at his bad angles only. At the good ones, he just appears... fictional. It’s almost impossible to escape this eccentric allure.You don’t fall in love for him or anything. But he shakes the equilibrium of your sexuality, and batten all these contradicting worms until they chased you to desperately hang onto a fragile cliff between delirium and sanity. Not that I’d experienced, but crazy fanboys’ rampant messages on the fan cafe sure made the case clear. Thing is, the culprit himself is aware, but too carefree to give into any thought.
I definitely don’t have any romantic feeling toward him. He’s a friend, a band-mate, family. Plus, we’re both straight (funny how he managed to make me think about this and not freaked out at myself). But I had been totally aware of those absurd moments when my gaze shifts to him unconsciously, and just drowsed off. Back before all these fames, we all were nothing but a pack of heedless dreamers. Skinship comes and goes often without a fraction of thought. Exhibitions of bodies, group showering, were merely done like the herd’s daily routine. Then the overjoys of debuting just bonded us all together even tighter than ever before. Because of the same swamp in the past 6 of us came out of, almost nobody could read us better than each other. Being idols, fanservices were expected. Or required. Maybe Doojoon and Yoseob had more fun at it and ever body else, but we all took it like jokes shared between good brothers.Between us two though, is another question.
Hyunseung and I had been such close friends who have almost clone-like personalities. Unlike the jocular moments and quirky manners each of us had with the other members, there were more soothing stills after all the ruckuses at the end of the days that we shared. Maybe that contributes to the impossibilities for him and I to see ourselves having such acts that display open, and a tiny bit romantic, affections. And so the awkwardness thickens. So viscous it seeps in between the us that were very much alarmed, as those expectant eyes drill on ‘us’. Maybe we had exaggerated the whole thing in some way. But the split happened so naturally, none of us had a chance to voice out any dissatisfaction.
Then everything soon became alright without any words. It took quite some time. And although the cracks were never mended perfectly, we took a positive outlook and lament over it with new attitudes. We’re still too young, and cherish each other so much, to clamp down on this. I don’t wish to walk on without any of them soon, and I hope they wouldn’t leave me off either. The me, who appear so cold and confident all too often, admit with all my heart that I’d be hopeless without each and every one of those faces. Just like the others, Jang Hyun Seung tugs a special string in my heart. Something different, is that it’s been more excruciating for me.
My perspective toward him has changed tremendously, and the slow me still can’t adjust to it yet. An alienated being, a cute family member, a close friend who I just made up after a fight with, whose flaws I’d seen and heard all, yet he stirs up so many questions in me. He’s an odd someone who topples my inside with worries of so many things I never had to stress over with others. Like how I can't help but fret while my sluggish brain had to constantly fight to come up with a conversation, or the silence is a blade at my throat. A queer individual who makes me feel like getting judged by the whole world if I stare at. The only one who’s capable of keeping my unconscious gaze for too long for my taste, to bring out this different grin in me that I have no idea I even had. And just like first dates, I find myself tensed up a bit next to him whenever we’re alone.
All of those fancams captioned a jealous me was never true. It was not envy, I’m pretty positive. It was just me wondering idiotically. Of how I have so many troubles befriending him and get over my stupid conflicts inside, yet he’s still so carefree. Of what about that guy, or the one he’d just talked to 5 minutes ago, Hyunseung takes interest in so much that he has no problems joking around with, unlike with me. Out of 24 hours a day, I barely concentrate my thoughts on him for more than 15 minutes, and that’s only when I was thinking of the other members also. If I have to list, he’d be in the second half of those whom I’m the closest with. Yet every time he pops up into my mind, he shuffles up bunches of confusions. And in the end, when I’m broke off of my zoning out sessions, he’s the last image to linger before I focus on works and dream again.
There’s no romance between us, I can’t be more sure. But a soft spot in me for this beaming with confident deer-like male just keeps growing. Especially during our comeback lately. He just can’t be more adorable with his renew fortitude. Not just me, but almost the whole world acknowledged and adore it. I’m glad. And this is only the beginning of this capable friend’s ability. But what am I going to do when my eyes sting to think about him moving on in the far future? What am I going to to do when it’s almost like a function of me to shift my gaze toward this blindingly shining him now?
Okay off to go study now!
Click to viewDo I understand him? Heck no. It’s impossible to grasp this man’s bizarre ways of just... living. Every movement were done purely out of impulse. Without any second thought just blurts something out of intuition. His universe’s off our dimension, isolated from this world’s corrupted pace of evolving. Excluded from the crude train of time, forever pure in his own queer way. He doesn’t walk, he floats. And most of the times would just chirp in a language of his own. I’m an overlap image of him, his mother had said in the past. But really, as long as I’m human, I could never predict Jang Hyun Seung.
He dances well, I too don’t lose, and so does Ki Kwang. But it’s astounding how he graces the stage so effortless (or appeared so). He’s not that good looking, in my honest opinion. Very cute to look at, and quite pretty too, but there are so many awkwardness to his features. All down, he's not too special. Still strangely, there’s some sort of queer sparkle to this man that stuns you, and make your brain refuse any doubt to his symmetry. And that was at his bad angles only. At the good ones, he just appears... fictional. It’s almost impossible to escape this eccentric allure.You don’t fall in love for him or anything. But he shakes the equilibrium of your sexuality, and batten all these contradicting worms until they chased you to desperately hang onto a fragile cliff between delirium and sanity. Not that I’d experienced, but crazy fanboys’ rampant messages on the fan cafe sure made the case clear. Thing is, the culprit himself is aware, but too carefree to give into any thought.
I definitely don’t have any romantic feeling toward him. He’s a friend, a band-mate, family. Plus, we’re both straight (funny how he managed to make me think about this and not freaked out at myself). But I had been totally aware of those absurd moments when my gaze shifts to him unconsciously, and just drowsed off. Back before all these fames, we all were nothing but a pack of heedless dreamers. Skinship comes and goes often without a fraction of thought. Exhibitions of bodies, group showering, were merely done like the herd’s daily routine. Then the overjoys of debuting just bonded us all together even tighter than ever before. Because of the same swamp in the past 6 of us came out of, almost nobody could read us better than each other. Being idols, fanservices were expected. Or required. Maybe Doojoon and Yoseob had more fun at it and ever body else, but we all took it like jokes shared between good brothers.Between us two though, is another question.
Hyunseung and I had been such close friends who have almost clone-like personalities. Unlike the jocular moments and quirky manners each of us had with the other members, there were more soothing stills after all the ruckuses at the end of the days that we shared. Maybe that contributes to the impossibilities for him and I to see ourselves having such acts that display open, and a tiny bit romantic, affections. And so the awkwardness thickens. So viscous it seeps in between the us that were very much alarmed, as those expectant eyes drill on ‘us’. Maybe we had exaggerated the whole thing in some way. But the split happened so naturally, none of us had a chance to voice out any dissatisfaction.
Then everything soon became alright without any words. It took quite some time. And although the cracks were never mended perfectly, we took a positive outlook and lament over it with new attitudes. We’re still too young, and cherish each other so much, to clamp down on this. I don’t wish to walk on without any of them soon, and I hope they wouldn’t leave me off either. The me, who appear so cold and confident all too often, admit with all my heart that I’d be hopeless without each and every one of those faces. Just like the others, Jang Hyun Seung tugs a special string in my heart. Something different, is that it’s been more excruciating for me.
My perspective toward him has changed tremendously, and the slow me still can’t adjust to it yet. An alienated being, a cute family member, a close friend who I just made up after a fight with, whose flaws I’d seen and heard all, yet he stirs up so many questions in me. He’s an odd someone who topples my inside with worries of so many things I never had to stress over with others. Like how I can't help but fret while my sluggish brain had to constantly fight to come up with a conversation, or the silence is a blade at my throat. A queer individual who makes me feel like getting judged by the whole world if I stare at. The only one who’s capable of keeping my unconscious gaze for too long for my taste, to bring out this different grin in me that I have no idea I even had. And just like first dates, I find myself tensed up a bit next to him whenever we’re alone.
All of those fancams captioned a jealous me was never true. It was not envy, I’m pretty positive. It was just me wondering idiotically. Of how I have so many troubles befriending him and get over my stupid conflicts inside, yet he’s still so carefree. Of what about that guy, or the one he’d just talked to 5 minutes ago, Hyunseung takes interest in so much that he has no problems joking around with, unlike with me. Out of 24 hours a day, I barely concentrate my thoughts on him for more than 15 minutes, and that’s only when I was thinking of the other members also. If I have to list, he’d be in the second half of those whom I’m the closest with. Yet every time he pops up into my mind, he shuffles up bunches of confusions. And in the end, when I’m broke off of my zoning out sessions, he’s the last image to linger before I focus on works and dream again.
There’s no romance between us, I can’t be more sure. But a soft spot in me for this beaming with confident deer-like male just keeps growing. Especially during our comeback lately. He just can’t be more adorable with his renew fortitude. Not just me, but almost the whole world acknowledged and adore it. I’m glad. And this is only the beginning of this capable friend’s ability. But what am I going to do when my eyes sting to think about him moving on in the far future? What am I going to to do when it’s almost like a function of me to shift my gaze toward this blindingly shining him now?