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[m_pinocchio]

He waits a little before he goes to find him. He takes the girls back, feeds them lunch, plays with them, puts them down for an afternoon nap and leaves Neil and Peter with them, and only then does he think he's ready. It takes him a little while to find Tom--not at the Compound, clearly not at the tree, but finally someone directs him down towards

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[out_of_realm]

Tom looked up from the book, Lord of the Rings and slow reading - and watched Mike carefully. He'd known it was him since the first moment he'd been able to hear his strides. After so many years of sharing so much...

He sighed shortly through his nose, dog earing the book and setting it aside.

"Sure." He paused. Swallowed. Rubbed his hand over his arm. "It's nice out, huh?"

[m_pinocchio]

"Yeah," he says with a faint smile. Weather. The old fallback. He sits down next to Tom, picks up the book and turns it over in his hands.

"I fucking loved this book in high school," he says. "Seemed so much more exciting than what I was dealing with. Go off to war, fight to defend Gondor..." He shakes his head. Reality had been so much different.

And yet, maybe not so much.

[out_of_realm]

"I'm still where the chubby little guy is getting the thing," Tom said, leaning back against the tree and closing his eyes.

"Don't spoil anything for me."

[m_pinocchio]

"Everyone dies," he says, still with that faint smile. "Not really." He settles back next to Tom, looking at him carefully. There are still plenty of times in this relationship where he's not entirely sure of his ground.

Maybe that's not unhealthy.

"So Neil said you and him kinda... got into it last night," he says quietly.

[out_of_realm]

"C'mon," Tom protested quietly, "Don't they kind of deserve a happy ending?"

Tom let out a sigh, already sounding frustrated. "Yeah. A little." He gave Mike a Look. "I told him everything was okay."

[m_pinocchio]

"And he lived happily ever after, to the end of his days," he murmurs, and shrugs. The look doesn't faze him, though again he feels that twinge of unease.

"I know that's what you told him," he says. "I still feel like maybe we need to talk about it."

[out_of_realm]

"It's just..." Tom opened and closed his hands on his thighs.

"...you know why I don't like it. But neither of you seem to mind, so I guess...I don't know. It's really between the two of you, isn't it?"

[m_pinocchio]

"No, it's not," he says, frowning slightly. "Hobbes... maybe I don't know why you don't like it. I could probably guess, but why don't you tell me?" Neil had hinted at it, more than a little. But he wants to hear it from Tom.

[out_of_realm]

Tom flushed brightly and repositioned himself, staring stonily out at the surf. With Mike, it was always easier to be stubborn, short.

"I've already screwed this up enough, Mike," he sighed, sounding frustrated. He pinched the bridge of his nose.

"We really have to keep this going?"

[m_pinocchio]

"Hey," he says quietly, reaching out and laying a hand on Tom's shoulder. "I don't want a fight. Okay? I just wanna understand." He swallows a little. "And I don't want... something I do to be upsetting you. I don't wanna feel like I'm doing that. So help me out here."

He gives Tom's shoulder a gentle squeeze. "Please."

[out_of_realm]

Almost against his will, Tom melted slightly at the touch, some of the strain going out of his shoulders. He shook his head, running the back of his hand over his mouth.

"He's been through hell and back again," he said after a difficult moment. "With sex. With getting knocked around. With...with everything. And I just...don't think it's fair. It should be safe, here."

He waved his hand, preemptively annoyed. "And don't tell me that that's not what it's about. I know what it's about. I of all people know." Again he paused difficultly.

"Doesn't mean I have to like looking at it."

[m_pinocchio]

"I like looking at it," he says softly, after a minute or two, withdrawing his hands into his lap and looking down at them. He feels... not ashamed. But like there's something here he has to answer for. He's spent too long feeling like this was something dirty. "I know you think it's ugly, but I mark him up like that and I look at it after and it's... beautiful, to me. That he lets me do that to him." He sighs. "It's the same way when I do it to you."

He looks up again, not at Tom but out at the water. "When I do that, I feel like I'm... I'm taking this thing in me that's so ugly and I'm making it... not ugly, anymore. It turns into something I can live with."

[out_of_realm]

"I know," Tom said, sounding tired. "When it's me...I understand that. When it's me...I like looking at it too."

"But...that's when it's me." He swallowed, rubbing the back of his neck. "You don't have to explain it to me, Mike. It's just...it's not me. It's Neil."

He laughed quietly to himself, struggling to understand. "I just..." He stopped and shook his head. "I just don't really like it. Not with him."

[m_pinocchio]

"I wasn't sure about it," he says, barely even audible now, as if talking to himself. "Then I figured... I dunno. He and I are both fucked up in kinda the same ways. So maybe we can both take this thing and make it... better. Together." He sighs, hard, suddenly frustrated at his own inability to explain.

"Do you want me to stop doing it?"

[out_of_realm]

"No," Tom said tightly, quickly, looking over at Mike. "No. I don't. You guys should be able to do whatever you want, I mean. I know you're not...hurting him in a way that...you know. Upsets him."

"I'm..." Tom breathed out a short sigh. "I'm not there yet. But guess I'll get there eventually. He trusts you. I trust you."

He dug his hands into the sand, letting it slip between his fingers. "That's a start."

[m_pinocchio]

"Tom." He reaches down, digs his fingers into the sand, curls them around Tom's. "If I thought I was really hurting him--if I thought I was even making him uncomfortable--I'd stop. No matter what. I swear it."

He takes a breath and looks down at their joined hands, and even when things aren't perfect they're better than pretty much anything else. "I love you."