Slow down, my brother, your life is passing fast...

[m_pinocchio]

It's become One of Those Days, somehow, with just one event. He's still got sand under his fingernails as he piles firewood under the little shelter he's made for it, trying to use the very last of the daylight for something useful, working to keep his mind occupied. He's a liar and a shitheel, and he's afraid that this one sin will spread and

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[little_moons]

It's almost dark by the time I make it back here. My legs feel heavy. Tired. It's the first time in a while that I've been truly reluctant to make my way into the clearing around his hut. The first time in a while that I've wondered if maybe I should just stay away.

Without a word, I drop down onto one of the logs around the fire pit, cigarette in hand, and just watch him. I feel like shit. I don't expect that to change anytime soon.

[m_pinocchio]

He hears Neil coming a minute or so before he gets there, but he finishes the stack he's working on before he turns and straightens up, dusting off his hands. Neil looks pretty much like he'd expected him to, like he had when he'd left him. Some things you get over easy. Some things you don't.

He picks up his canteen off the roof of the wood shelter and sinks down onto the log next to Neil's, uncapping and draining half the thing in one go. And then he caps it and just looks at Neil.

"You holding up?"

[little_moons]

"No," I snort, pushing a hand through my hair, voice hoarse and somehow distant. I can't quite meet his eyes. It wasn't much easier today on the beach, but at least we could still pretend it was.

"No. No, I think I fucked up," I say quietly, 'cause I know we said we'd tell her, that it wasn't a secret, but I feel like I did it wrong, somehow. I feel like I've done everything wrong lately. "I told her. Eostre, I mean. I- I had to." There, no beatin' around the fuckin' bush.

[m_pinocchio]

Just for an instant, his mind goes completely blank. So it's done, then. He'd just about guilted himself out of his cowardice and it's... taken out of his hands. Out of Tom's hands.

Where it maybe never should have been to begin with, with how they've handled it.

"I know," he says finally. He says it in an exhale, a long sigh. "I'm sorry. We fucked this up. We said you weren't a secret and then that's exactly what we fucking made you." He reaches up, rubs both hands down his face and then leaves them there for a few seconds before dropping them again.

"You're more of a man than either of us."

[little_moons]

"Oh, fuck you," I mutter, "Fuck you." Pushing to my feet, dashing both hands through my hair, I walk away from him. Just a few steps. Just enough to get some air back in my lungs. To pull myself together again.

Turning to face him again, I say, "It wasn't you or him, it was all of us. Don't act like you get any more of the fuckin' blame for it than I do."

[m_pinocchio]

"You're the one who fucking said something," he says, and for the first time since talking to Neil about how he and Tom were finished he's hearing his voice rising. He's not angry with Neil. He's just... angry. "Two fucking weeks after we all agreed we'd tell her. And yeah, I know we're all part of this, but you were the one who said something."

He looks down at his hands again, clenching them and unclenching them and watching his scarred knuckles turn white. "And I don't give a shit whether you wanna hear it or not. Tom and I helped put you on the spot and that wasn't right."

[little_moons]

"Right, okay, fine. You're an asshole," I agree, "But I'm the one that came barrelin' in to your fucking lives, actin' like it'd be so fuckin' easy for both of you. Which is so stupid ... I just, I don't know. She didn't even say anything. She just fucking stared at me."

[m_pinocchio]

He snorts bitter laughter at that. "So you expected her to know what to say right off the fucking bat? Something like that..." He shakes his head and looks away, and for a moment or two he just lets himself breathe.

"You just told her," he says slowly, finally. "Give her time to figure out what the fuck she thinks. And don't fucking panic yet. And you..." He looks back at Neil and he instantly knows two things. One, he's too far deep in this to stop it now. And two, he wouldn't want to anyway.

"We could've said no," he says. "You were probably expecting us to."

[little_moons]

"I was expectin' her to yell at me... Fucking slap me in the face, I dunno. Somethin'," I sigh, taking a step closer to him and then stopping, hands hanging uselessly at my sides.

"You could've. I was expectin' it, but I didn't want you to. I was really hoping you wouldn't."

[m_pinocchio]

"We didn't want to say no," he says simply, and reaches out a hand, curling it around his and squeezing. "You're right, it's... it's fucking stupid to try to figure out whose fault it is more, now. It happened, it sucks, we just need to deal with it." He inclines his head to the log Neil had left. "C'mon, sit back down. It's okay."

[little_moons]

I look down at his hand curled around mine, letting my fingers fold over his and returning the squeeze. Second time today. Weird, but I can't say I mind.

"'We didn't want to'... Keep talkin' 'bout the two of you like that, you really are gonna start soundin' like an old married couple," I say, lips twitching faintly as I lower myself back down next to him.

[m_pinocchio]

"We've been together a long fuckin' time," he says, managing a small smile. Married. Yeah, not officially, but in a lot of ways it probably comes down to the same thing. There's only two things that he can see possibly separating them now, and neither of them are under their control.

"He and I talked about it for a good while before I came to get you. We knew how we felt. How we feel." He shakes his head slowly. "I still don't regret anything. I know he doesn't either. Nothing except waiting so damn long to tell her."

[little_moons]

"I'm tired of losing things. It keeps happenin'. Keep scramblin' but the harder I hold on... I wanna keep somethin', for once," I say, feeling a little like I'm babbling, thoughts spilling out before I can stop them, "I don't wanna lose you."

Too much has happened today and I can't be rational. I'm too close to fucking terrified to be anywhere near levelheaded.

[m_pinocchio]

He shakes his head again, wishing, just for a moment, for the ground to just swallow him up. This is what happens when you open yourself up, when you let yourself care, when you let yourself--

He reaches out and curls his hand against the side of Neil's neck, and maybe he shouldn't be making a promise like this, but he's been so afraid to promise anything for so long and he doesn't want to be afraid anymore.

"You won't," he says. "You won't lose either of us."

[little_moons]

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding, slumping a little, like a switch got flipped and every last bit of energy in me shuts off. My head droops, close to touching his, and I lift a hand to curl loosely around his wrist. Just to hold on.

Worried as he is 'bout me, this is gonna be the hardest for him. I know that. I'm scared to death of what it might do to him, even if I won't say it out loud. Tom, I feel like he'll be okay, same as me, but Mike and Eostre... they were one of the first constants on the island for me. Things were supposed to be this certain way, and I didn't really think about how badly I might've fucked them up.

"I'm really tired," I say, huffing out a laugh, thumb brushing back and for over his wrist.

[m_pinocchio]

"I know," he says, giving him a small, pained smile. "God, no fucking wonder. Gotta be the worst day in a while, right?" At least it's close to over. He slips forward onto his knees and it's just like the first time, except it's nothing like that at all as he pulls Neil forward into his arms.

"You're gonna be okay," he says in a heavy breath. "Told you. You're gonna be just fine."