Fic: I Am What I Am (66/67)
Chapter 37: Matters of the Heart
Xander was lying on his sofa and trying to figure out if he was being tortured or if he was being rewarded. The television was in the middle of the second Back to the Future movie, but he was finding it very hard to pay attention. This was because a very warm, very alive Faith was snuggled up beside him, sleeping peacefully as she rested between his arms.
It was excruciating.
Faith whimpered softly and wiggled against him, pressing her face against his chest. Xander stared up at the ceiling and did his best to make sure his heartbeat stayed at a steady rhythm. He was sure the speeded up beat-box that his heart was impersonating would wake her up if it continued pounding the way it was.
It had started off so innocently. He and Faith had decided to have a Back to the Future marathon since she was struggling with her first minor cold since coming to Sunnydale. She'd started off sitting on one end of the couch while he sat on the other. Somehow, over the course of the first movie, she'd slowly migrated until she was nestled against him, shivering slightly and clinging to him for warmth. By the time the second movie had begun, she was asleep, curled up between his arms and looking so relaxed that Xander was a little envious of her.
How could he be so blessed? How could he really be here with her again, alive and well, happy and peaceful? In that moment, that perfect moment of quiet restfulness, Xander had not a doubt in his mind that Faith would someday be with him again. It was simply too right for it to go any other way. He loved her far too much.
Loved the woman he'd known in his own time, and loved the young girl who was just blossoming into that woman he knew now. There was no part of her that didn't make him want to grin like an idiot and sweep her off her feet.
But what should he do? Should he continue to just let things coast by? In his own timeline, he hadn't been with Faith in any official capacity until after Sunnydale had been destroyed. Likewise, he hadn't been with Buffy until...
Until Faith's death.
Buffy. What was he going to do? Even when he was in the enviable position of sleeping beside Faith, his thoughts still strayed to Buffy.
He'd pledged his never-ending love to both of them. Faith was his wife, the mother of his daughter, and a defining presence in his life. Buffy was his wife, the mother of his daughter, and a defining presence in his life. The thought of having to choose between them, or worse, losing both of them was enough to drive him crazy with stress.
Was it just his imagination? It seemed like since the battle with the Judge, there was something more between him, Faith, and Buffy. More pronounced with Buffy, as far as he could tell. They had a strange flirting kind of thing going on lately, and he was beginning to realize just how much time he spent with either Buffy or Faith every day.
Could he attempt to pursue a real relationship with one of them? How could he? Pursuing one meant ignoring the other. Choosing Faith over Buffy, or Buffy over Faith. It was the kind of sick, torturous decision that only happened on the Hellmouth. Two dead wives, and no guarantee that either will ever love him the way they had before.
What if one did, and the other didn't? That was the kind of thing that could just destroy him inside. He didn't want to think about that, so of course it repeated in his mind over and over again.
Still, as far as dilemmas went, this was not one he was going to complain about. Buffy and Faith were both alive, both healthy, and both, it seemed, happier than they'd ever been at this point in their lives. The question of whom he might someday end up with was one he was willing to set aside if it just meant they were alive.
At least that was the plan in his brain. Rationally, he knew he couldn't expect anything more from either of them. He had no right to expect to be with Faith or Buffy this early. Unfortunately, as had always been the case with Xander, his heart rarely followed along with his rational mind. So he closed his eyes, squeezed the warm, soft body of his future wife, and allowed himself to fall asleep with a peaceful smile on his face.
What would be would be.
She had never been so relaxed in her entire life. She knew this as an undeniable fact of existence. Despite her mild cold, despite the aches and pains, sleeping in the powerful, protective arms of Xander Harris was the most relaxing thing she'd ever done.
Faith never slept with men, not if she could help it. Sure, she'd fuck them, and if necessary, she'd say with them for the night, but she never slept beside them if she could sleep alone. She never felt comfortable in such a vulnerable position next to another person. Sleeping beside someone was the most intimate, trusting thing Faith could think of.
Was it strange that it didn't surprise her how readily she had fallen asleep in Xander's arms? He was Xander, after all. The strangest person she'd ever met in her life. Her savior, her friend, and her benefactor. Xander was, without a doubt, the greatest thing to ever happen to her.
For the first time, Faith really gave some thought to the notion that she had once been Xander's wife. It was such a strange idea, her as somebody's wife. But deep down inside, whenever she dreamed of her clichéd white wedding, her house with the picket fences, and her loving, wonderful husband, it was Xander who fit that role.
That was scary. The brief, fleeting notion that she could actually see herself with Xander. Hell, the fact that she could see herself with anyone in a long-term relationship kind of deal. That just wasn't the kind of thing that had ever crossed her mind before.
She was sixteen. He was seventeen on one hand and ninety-something on the other. Even in Xander's original time, she knew it had been years from now before they'd gotten together. Years before she could be prepared for something like that. And as she thought about it, she could see why it would take so long. The idea of being with Xander in that way scared the crap out of her.
But at the same time, it made her feel safer, happier, and more at peace than she'd ever felt in her life. As she lay pressed up against his warm, comforting presence, it was all she could do to not imagine bending her head back, leaning forward, and kissing him. To let herself be the kind of clichéd, stereotypical girl who just wanted to melt into her man's arms and let him protect her.
Only Xander wasn't her man, and she was far from that stereotypical girl, despite how badly she wished for it deep down. She wanted the best of both worlds. She wanted to be tough, strong, and independent, and she wanted to be protected, loved, and comforted.
*Who says you can't have both?* came Buffy's response across their link. Faith stirred slightly against Xander, mildly surprised that Buffy had been paying attention to her thoughts.
*Sorry,* Buffy sent. *Want me to leave you alone?*
*Never,* Faith thought back at once. Knowing that Buffy was always there for her, no matter the time, the distance, or the circumstances was one of the best parts of her new life. Sure, it made things complicated, but the benefits far outweighed the lack of privacy.
Xander gave her a protective squeeze, adjusting his body slightly. Faith fought not to moan appreciatively at the gesture.
*You've got it bad,* Buffy thought wistfully.
*So do you,* Faith replied, thinking of how Buffy had been acting around Xander lately. There was clear flirtation going on between the two of them, and she knew Buffy was seriously thinking about asking Xander out on an official date one of these days.
Another complication. Faith never thought she'd be feeling this way about Xander, especially not so soon. She'd always known that, in some distant and unknowable future, she might fall "in love" with Xander. But until recently, she'd always thought of that like...Like knowing she would die someday. It was something you knew rationally, but never something you quite accepted or dwelled upon.
*Jeez,* Buffy thought. *Glum, much? Loving Xander is like knowing you're going to die?*
It was because she couldn't picture herself feeling that way, despite the things Xander had done for her. Yet after the battle with the Judge, after Xander breaking down in tears and finally expressing to them the sorrow and loss he'd felt during his life without them, Faith had felt something fundamentally change inside of her. She'd known the depths of Xander's caring for her, and likewise for Buffy, from almost the first week she'd known him. But it wasn't until after defeating the Judge that she felt the depths of that caring. Xander was truly, completely, and hopelessly in love with her. With both of them.
It was the scariest thing she'd ever thought in her life, just as it was the most beautiful.
*What are we going to do?* she thought across the link.
*I don't know,* was Buffy's slow reply. It seemed they were both at least entertaining the notion of pursuing a relationship with Xander. Only neither wanted to deny the other their hope for happiness.
Somehow, the idea of just waiting, of just letting time pass until they could figure things out didn't seem like a good idea anymore. They both wanted more, and both suspected Xander would too. Buffy thought she should step back and let Faith pursue Xander, as Faith was the mother of his child, and Faith though she should step back and let Buffy pursue Xander, as she'd seen some of Buffy's wonderful dreams where the two of them were together.
*This sucks,* Faith thought a moment later. They were stuck, neither feeling like they could go forward, for fear of what would happen to the other.
*It sure does.*
Faith sighed and pressed against Xander, shutting her eyes tightly. It wasn't fair of her to want this so badly. Xander and Buffy had both given her more than she could have ever hoped for. Her life in Sunnydale was a thousand times better than she could have ever expected. She had Buffy, the warrior girl with whom she shared a mystical bond. She had Xander, the man who, in another life, would be her husband, and the father of her child. She had Willow, her best friend, and the first one she'd ever had without cheating. She had Giles, who had taught her to defend herself, and even how to do some basic magic. She had Tommy and Tammy, the two weapons she knew would always keep her safe, and the increased connection they forged between her and Buffy.
It was overwhelming for a girl who had been on her own for as long as she could remember. For a girl who called herself simply Faith because her surname had changed so often, switching from foster family to foster family. For a girl who'd never had a family, who'd never had any friends, this was all just beyond anything she had ever experienced.
Maybe it should have been enough. Maybe such a dramatic change in her life should have been enough for her to want. Why did she have to want more? Why did she have to want to feel this perfect feeling of love and safety every night in Xander's arms? Why did she want to love him so badly? Why couldn't she just be content with the wonders he'd already given her? The wonders they'd all given her.
Why hadn't she been with anyone sexually since coming to Sunnydale? Why had she put herself through some kind of self-imposed abstinence since meeting Xander? Was there some part of her that was waiting for him the entire time?
Was it that maybe a part of her was still the woman he'd married? Could it be that somewhere deep in her soul, a fragment of her self could recall being his wife? Still was his wife?
All she knew was that the thought made her smile.
*Buffy?* Faith thought sleepily a few minutes later.
*Yeah?* Buffy's response was slow and sad.
*Whatever happens, I really love you.*
*I love you too, Faith,* she replied, and Faith could almost feel the tears in Buffy's eyes.
*Ask him out,* Faith though a moment later.
*No, I can't. Y-You should be with him.*
*There's no should anymore, B. Whatever's gonna happen, it's gonna happen cause we make it happen. I know you want to be with him, so you should try.*
*What about you?*
Faith sighed against Xander's chest. He stirred quietly in his sleep. *I'll try too.*
*It's bad enough we live on the Hellmouth, now we're just pushing our luck.*
*Fuck the Hellmouth,* Faith thought brazenly. *Ever since I met you two, you get all shaky thinkin' about some bad luck that it's gonna be throwin' at you. Well you know what? Since I got here, things have only gotten better. So you know what I think? Either the Hellmouth's a bunch of bullshit, or we're all kicking its ass on a daily basis, and doing it so well that it can't do a damn thing about it.*
*Oh my God,* Buffy groaned inwardly. *You're jinxing us like no one has ever been jinxed ever before.*
Faith grinned. *Fuck 'em. Bring it on, I say.*
*You mean you think.*
*That too.*
They ceased their mental conversation for a few moments, both reflecting on the situation. Then, after nearly a minute, Buffy spoke up.
*Faith?*
*Yeah.*
*I think maybe I'm going to ask him out tomorrow.*
Faith smiled. It was a sad, wistful, and hopeful smile. *Good.*
*And Faith?*
*Yeah?* she thought, as she took a deep breath, snuggling against Xander's sleeping form.
*I'm really jealous of you right now.*
*I know,* Faith thought back, grinning.
"Is it bigger than a breadbox?"
The beast snarled and threw his body up against the cage, growling menacingly at his captors, wanting nothing more than to tear out their throats and feast on their hot innards. The cage held however, and after two more attempts at crashing it down, he slunk to the corner and curled up, preparing to bide his time.
Buffy sighed as she watched Oz's werewolf form. "Guess he's slipped again. And I was so about to figure it out."
Faith looked up from the table, dog-earing the book that Willow had lent to her before she grimaced and quickly smoothed it out. Willow would kill her if she found out she'd dog-eared another one of her books. She turned her gaze to Oz, frowning as she realized he was in wolf form again.
"Damn, he had a good streak going," she remarked.
It was the second night of the first full moon since Oz had received his still unnamed claws. The first night had seen the entire gang standing watch, eager to see what would happen to Oz with his new magical weapon. There was much disappointment just after the moon had risen when he shifted into werewolf form, just as mindless and savage as ever.
Disappointment that was soon replaced by glee when, only twenty minutes later, Oz shifted back, panting and groaning. He had to struggle to control himself, but it was something.
It was only an hour later when he shifted once again to werewolf form. During the rest of the night he shifted back and forth seven times, sometimes holding one form for as long as two hours, sometimes as short as ten minutes. Willow had stayed with him all night.
Which was why she wasn't there that night. Willow had a major geometry test the next morning, and after a full day and night of no sleep, Oz had insisted she stay home the second night. Buffy and Faith were on watch-duty, which mostly consisted of Faith reading whenever Oz was in werewolf form, and Buffy playing twenty questions with him whenever he was in Oz form.
"Almost three hours that time," Buffy sighed, flopping down into a chair opposite Faith.
"You okay?" Faith asked. She could feel some of Buffy's worry.
"I guess," Buffy shrugged. "I'm a little nervous about Saturday."
Saturday was Buffy's first official date with Xander. She'd finally worked up the nerve to ask him just after the two of them had gone to "talk some sense" into the swim team coach. Talking some sense into him meant playing good-cop bad-cop with him. Buffy got to be the bad-cop, as she was the one who could actually threaten to pop the man's head like a grape if he didn't agree to stop using illegal fish DNA experiments on his swimmers.
She'd had such a good time working with Xander that she'd decided to ask him right after. He'd been pretty surprised, she thought, but had agreed so quickly that it made her blush. Saturday they were going to an old fashioned dinner and a movie, and she was very worried about it.
Partially because Angel had just left again a few days ago, promising to return if and when the Powers made their next move. Buffy had been surprised at how much the pain of seeing Angel had lessened in the last few months. She still cared for him more than she could say, but there was a large part of her that saw him as...Painful. A relationship with Angel was dark, frightening, and yes, she could admit, exciting as well.
But from her dreams, she knew a relationship with Xander was beautiful, bright, and fundamentally far more exciting than anything she'd ever felt with Angel.
She closed her eyes, recalling a recent dream where she and Xander had apparently been in an experimental mood. Who knew she could be so wild in bed? She was a virgin, for pete's sake!
Faith chuckled. "Damn, B. You got some sick dreams for a virgin."
"Well I wasn't a virgin then," Buffy said, rolling her eyes before she gasped and clamped a hand over her mouth, unable to believe how casually she'd just said that.
Faith grinned at her and tapped her own forehead. "If those dreams are for real, then damn girl! You sure as hell made up for lost time once you got down to it."
Buffy flushed red and covered her face with her hands. Unbidden, the brief memory of a spanking came to her mind. *Stop thinking about the "wow" dreams!* she thought to herself.
"Wow's kind of an understatement," Faith laughed, tossing her book on the table and getting to her feet. She stretched her arms behind her back, and arched backwards, her back popping loudly. "Ah, fuck," she groaned. "I'm gonna go get a snickers or somethin'."
"I'll go with you," Buffy said, glad to have a distraction from her thoughts. "He'll be okay in there for a while. Looks like he's taking a wolf-nap anyway."
Buffy slid Companion into its scabbard as the two of them made their way out of the library. The school felt much different at night, and had a foreboding quality to it that had the two of them sticking close together as they made their way to the cafeteria and the vending machines. As they walked, both were trying not to dwell on what could happen with the two of them and Xander. The idea of one "losing out" to the other was enough to make either lose their appetite.
"I don't want us to lose each other over this," Buffy finally said a few minutes later as Faith fed a dollar into the machine.
"Ain't gonna happen," Faith assured her. She pointed to her head. "You know it as well as I do. Fuck. We're both more afraid the other won't get with Xander than we are they will."
Buffy smiled wistfully and shook her head. "I so hope he doesn't find out about this. His ego's going to explode."
Except they both knew that wasn't true. Their minds both went back to the feeling of Xander breaking down in their arms, expelling his fear, sorrow, and grief. The grief of their deaths, pent up over the course of an entire lifetime. Xander's ego wouldn't explode if he knew they were both interested in him. His heart would.
Faith reached down and plucked the candy bar from the slot, peeling the wrapping off and taking a large bite. "It'll work out."
"How?" Buffy asked, sincerely wishing Faith could tell her the answer. Sincerely wishing she could share the incredible optimism Faith felt these days.
"Cause we're connected," Faith said, shrugging. "It means somethin', I gotta figure, that we're connected and that we was both married to him. There's something more going on. Like a bigger plan."
"There's no plan anymore," Buffy sighed. "Destiny's circling the drain."
"So says that bald fuck. Me? I don't think some shitheads called the Powers-That-Be get to plan everything out. I figure Xander came back for a reason, and I figure you and me are connected for a reason."
"Really?"
Faith nodded, taking another bite. "Just hope it's a good reason. I mean, you guys changed my life, B."
"Xander did, you mean," Buffy said, eyes gazing at the floor.
Faith shook her head. "No, you just as much as him. You're like, you're like not even my best friend, B. You're more than that, more than even family." She shrugged, and her expression hardened slightly. She let the candy bar drop to the ground. "You're the only one. The only person I can talk to."
Companion flashed in Buffy's vision, and for a moment she staggered. She could feel Faith's sudden panic shoot across the link.
"You can't make me disappear just because you say it's over," Faith said darkly, stepping closer to Buffy.
*What the fuck?* Faith thought. *I'm not sayin' that shit! What's going on?*
Buffy tried to respond, but found herself looking up into Faith's eyes instead. She looked at her sadly. "Actually, I can. In fact, I just want you to be able to have some kind of normal life. We can never have that, don't you see?"
Faith turned away in disgust. "I don't give a damn about a normal life. I'm going crazy not seeing you. I think about you every minute."
*Faith, I can't control myself,* Buffy thought, panicked. *It's not me!*
*Fuck!* was Faith's only reply, and Buffy could feel her mental struggles to regain control over her body. For an instant, Buffy felt Companion flash in her vision, and thought she could make out the image of a young man overlaid atop Faith.
Buffy raised her hand, placing it on Faith's cheek as she gazed at her sadly. "I know. But it's over. It has to be!" She turned to leave, moving several paces away before Faith moved after her. Faith grabbed her arm, turning her around.
"Come back here!" she yelled angrily. "We're not finished!"
*Oh no,* Buffy thought. *It's the ghosts! The ghosts Xander had on the list! We forgot to prepare for them!* Her mind raced as she tried to recall what they were supposed to do. Xander had been talking about...Bulletproof vests?
*Bulletproof vests? Oh fuck no. We gotta stop this shit right now!*
*How?*
*I don't know! Fuckin' fight it!* Faith bolstered her inner resolve and tried to use her willpower to overcome the force occupying her body. Buffy attempted the same thing, but neither was able to force out the invading spirits. If only they could get their hands on their weapons, maybe the increased connection could help them drive them out.
Only they didn't control their hands anymore. The spirits controlled them, and neither was reaching for Companion or Tommy and Tammy.
"You don't care anymore, is that it?" Faith demanded.
"It doesn't matter!" Buffy sobbed. "It doesn't matter what I feel!"
Faith stared into her eyes. "Then tell me you don't love me."
Buffy stared back, and for a moment neither said a thing, not even through their mental link.
"Say it!" Faith shouted.
"Is that what you need to hear?" Buffy said, voice wavering. "Will that help? I don't. Now let me go." She pulled her arm back.
"No! A person doesn't just wake up and stop loving somebody!" Faith took a step back, and from nowhere she raised a gleaming black revolver. She aimed it at Buffy's head, cocking the hammer back.
"Love is forever," she said, her voice close to hysteria. "I'm not afraid to use it. I swear! If I can't be with you..."
"Oh my God!" Buffy cried, spinning on her heels and fleeing.
"Don't walk away from me, bitch!" Faith called out, running after her. Buffy ran out of the cafeteria and through several halls, making her way out towards a balcony overlooking the courtyard. Faith burst through the doors.
"Stop it!" she called. "Stop it! Don't make me!"
Buffy spun, fear etched on her face. "All right," she said fearfully. "Just, you know you don't want to do this."
*Oh god, Buffy,* Faith thought pitifully. *I don't. Please. I'm trying to stop it.*
*I know,* Buffy thought back. *God, I know.*
"Let's both," the spirit speaking through Buffy's voice paused for a moment. "Just calm down. Now give me the gun." She held out her hand, carefully.
"Don't," Faith muttered. "Don't do that, damn it! Don't talk to me like I'm some stupid..."
Bang!
*No!* Faith screamed inside, unable to turn her eyes away from the flash of phosphorous as the gun went off. The boom of the gun echoed in her ears, and the spirit shut her eyes tightly closed, missing what happened next.
The flash of the gun going off was offset by another flash. A flash of brilliant white light as Companion vanished from its place in Buffy's scabbard, re-appearing in mid-air, just above her heart. The bullet hit the flat of the blade, causing Companion to reverberate powerfully as it smacked against Buffy's chest with concussive force. Buffy gasped and staggered backwards, slumping down against the railing of the balcony. The air was knocked from her lungs, and she stared up at Faith in shock as she felt pain radiate from her chest.
"James," she whispered.
Faith opened her eyes to see Buffy's unmoving form lying against the ground. The spirit called James stared at the gun in Faith's hand, looked down at Buffy, and then turned, running back into the school.
She raced down the corridors, tears streaming down her face, and every tear was just as much James's as it was her own.
*Buffy, I'm so sorry,* she thought miserably, horrified with the events.
*Faith,* Buffy thought weakly, as the spirit known as Grace stood up in Buffy's body, surprised at still being alive. Her chest hurt where the flat of Companion had slammed into her, but Buffy's Slayer healing was already taking care of the injury.
*B? Y-You're okay?*
*I think so,* Buffy thought back. *Where are you?*
*The music room,* Faith responded. She suddenly realized the gun was still held in her hand. She was staring at her own reflection, tears in her eyes. "I didn't mean to," she whispered. "I'm so sorry."
For nearly a minute, James-in-Faith stared at the mirror, fighting for the nerve to end his pain and anguish. Then, slowly, so slowly, he raised his arm, preparing to aim the gun at his head.
A hand slowly pushed Faith's arm back down. Faith whirled, and saw Buffy standing there, a sad look in her eyes.
"Grace!" Faith exclaimed, even as Faith herself thought *Thank God.*
"Don't do this," Buffy said softly.
"But-But I killed you."
"It was an accident," Buffy said. "It wasn't your fault."
"Oh, it is my fault," Faith nearly sobbed. "How could I...?"
"Shh," Buffy said, bringing a finger to Faith's lips. "I'm the one who should be sorry, James. You thought I stopped loving you. But I never did. I loved you with my last breath."
Faith did sob then, tears streaming down her face as she stared into Buffy's eyes. Buffy stroked her cheek, stepping closer to her, staring up into Faith's face.
"Shh," she soothed. "No more tears."
Then she leaned her head forward, and pressed her lips against Faith's. Faith's arms wrapped around her, and she snaked her own around Faith's. The hot, salty taste of tears mixed with the taste of their lips, as Faith and Buffy clutched each other tightly.
A few feet above them, a bright light formed. A swirling, unknowable vortex of light that was the form of James and Grace. The light grew brighter and brighter, swirling together before dissipating into the next world.
Faith's eyes were closed, feeling Buffy's soft, wet lips against her own. Their tongues pressed softly against each other, lost in the expression of love, trust, and deep caring that had been initiated by the spirits. Buffy groaned slightly against Faith's mouth, running her arms up and down her back without thought. Faith's eyes continued to water, desperately needing comfort at the idea that she'd almost lost Buffy, almost lost the person she was perhaps closer to than anyone in the world.
*I'm here,* Buffy thought, finding herself too focused on Faith's misery to question what they were doing. In that instant, all she knew that she loved Faith, and Faith was hurting tremendously.
Later, they would have to re-evaluate everything. The kiss was one that would change their lives. A change, Buffy suspected, that would be good despite all the efforts of every supernatural force in the world. But that would be later. Now, she would just enjoy.
*Take that, Hellmouth,* Buffy thought smugly, lost in the arms of the girl who was more than a best friend, more than a sister, and perhaps even more than a lover.
Life would never be the same. Which of course was how life always was in the first place. Full of beautiful complications.