I give in: 70 questions for the First Evil
I don't normally do memes or ficathons or other such things that would make me A) friendly, B)popular, C)part of the community, but I do like this concept here by nemo_gravis
Now, this was done very spur-of-the-moment and isn't much more than a one-joke wonder, but here goes anyway:
1. DO YOU SNORE?
I am the nasally congested snort that causes you to wake in the middle of the night and contemplate the murder of your spouse in the hopes you will get some sleep.
2. ARE YOU A LOVER OR A FIGHTER?
I'm the first evil that ever existed. Lover, obviously.
3. WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?
What is fear to one as timeless as me?
4. AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC?
I was the maniac who killed his wife by force feeding her legos. You are all doomed. I am all things.
5. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF "REALITY" TV?
It's one of my greatest inventions.
6. DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?
I don't chew on anything. I'm non-corporeal...
Or am I?
7. WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?
I am the cute baby squeezing tiny fingers around the cat's neck, innocent in my joy at inflicting pain.
8. IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU?
My psychotic priest friends say I'm something of a tease. I can never stick to one fascination, however. I am everyone's soul mate. You cannot escape my gaze. You are all doomed.
9. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?
Red with the blood of the innocent.
10. DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?
I sing during the shower scene in Psycho. It's so inspiring.
11. HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED?
No, but I have suggested it in various tortures and pre-torture bindings.
12. ANY SECRET TALENTS?
I can touch when I really want to. Unless I'm lying. You'll never know, fools!
13. WHAT'S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT?
The mouth of hell.
14. IS JAY LENO FUNNY?
Jay is a dear friend. No comment.
15. CAN YOU SWIM?
I swim through the icy center of mankind's soul. I swim through their minds and hearts. I am the unyeilding current that drives them to selfishness, violence, jealousy and greed. Can I swim through water? I have no idea. I can't touch water...Or can I?
16. HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE "DONNIE DARKO"?
Of course. I'm always keeping an eye on the movie industry.
17. DO YOU GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE OZONE?
The ozone is all a part of my master plan. You'll see. Eventually I'll be victorious! There's no beating me! You're doomed! Doomed!
18. HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP?
Enjoy your tootsie pop while you can. You can't escape me. I'm a part of you. I'm a part of your tootsie pop. I'm a part of Mr. Owl and Mr. Turtle. I am everywhere and everything. You're so doomed, it's not even funny.
19. CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS?
Of course. I'll torture you until you're crazy and then use that song to trigger you to do my bidding. It's the perfect plan! You're so doomed!
20. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON AN AIRPLANE?
Don't you understand? I am all things! I have been in all places! I'm evil, people! EVIL! Let's see, anything evil ever happen in an airplane? Gee, I can't possibly think of anything evil happening on an airplane. YOU ARE ALL DOOMED!
21. ARE YOU AN ONLY CHILD?
I am the first child, and all of humanity is my sibling.
22. DO YOU PREFER ELECTRICAL OR MANUAL PENCIL SHARPENER?
Manual is much more terrifying when it's a finger being jammed in there.
23. WHAT'S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING?
I only enjoy the kind that's not necessary.
24. IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?
I invented marriage purely so that there might be divorce.
25. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
My handwriting is in the script of every poet, every author, and every dictator. My handwriting writes the pages of history, and shapes the world into my image. You're already beaten, and you don't even know it yet. My victory is assured.
26. WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?
Nothing, I'm incorporeal. Or am I? What was that nagging itch you just felt on your shoulder?
27. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, "I LOVE YOU"?
I say it a thousand times a day. It's one of my most useful tools.
28. IS ELVIS STILL ALIVE?
I am Elvis. I was a part of him, and he is a part of me. Also: no.
29. DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?
I am the tear of anger as I watch my beloved marry another. I am the tear of vengeance as I destroy their lives. Also, I get misty whenever they kiss at the end. I can't touch, you see....
Or can I?
Just one kiss would be nice.
30. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
Deviled.
31. ARE BLONDES DUMB?
Yes. Especially bottle blondes with scythes. Even dumber are redheads. Dumber still are bleached blond guys with amulets.
32. WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP?
Gagging the victim.
33. WHAT TIME IS IT?
It is my time. I am time. I am more than time. I am the first of all things and I will be the end of all things. Doubt me at your peril!
34. DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?
All names are my name, for I am all beings. Do you begin to see how hopeless it is? You're doomed!
35. IS MCDONALDS DISGUSTING?
I've never eaten anything. I don't want to talk about it.
36. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR, AND WHO WERE YOU WITH?
I was with all people in all cars. Especially the Hummers.
37. DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS?
I enjoy bathing in the glory of my grand plan of total domination and body-having-ness.
38. IS SANTA CLAUS REAL?
As real as I.
39. DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR NECK KISSED?
You'll pay for that. I guarantee it. All hope for you is lost.
40. ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?
I am the dark. Haven't you been listening? Bad things = me. Scary things = me. You = doomed.
41. WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?
Making empty threats.
42. CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER?
I have no concept of taste or texture. You will all taste my wrath, however. You're all doomed. I'm so going to win.
43. CAN YOU CRACK YOUR NECK?
I have no neck, and I am all necks. When I want them cracked, I tell my blind minions to crack them for me.
44. HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE?
I was there when the paramedic decided to wait a few extra seconds before clearing his patient's airways, just because the patient was a different race.
45. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY.
I have never brushed my teeth, and yet I brush my teeth billions of times a day, for I am all people and all things. Also, when people are stabbed by a shiv made out of a toothbrush, that's because of me.
Oh, and gingivitis? Me.
46. IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?
No one is free. I am their silent puppetmaster. You all dance to my tune, you just don't know it.
47. ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER?
I don't sleep, I just float through nightmares.
48. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?
The same as the person you love most in the world. I'm them.
50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?
What kind of question is that? Next question.
51. DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS OR PIERCINGS?
I have the tattoo of an ex-lover's name that sparks the envy of my current lover. I have all forms and no form at all. When I finally make my move, you won't know who to trust.
52. ARE YOU PSYCHIC?
I know your thoughts and the thoughts of all creatures. Your mother was truly disappointed in you.
53. HAVE YOU READ "CATCHER IN THE RYE"?
I have read all things. I am all things.
54. DO YOU PLAY AN INSTRUMENT?
The world dances to my tune. I play souls. My power is eternal and I am never-ending! I will never be defeated!
55. HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN MONEY?
Yes, in much the same way as I have done everything ever, since I am all people and all things. Try to wrap your puny mind around the concept of my existence and realize that there is no hope in stopping me. I will flood the land with horror and finally have solid form, and then...Then you'll see!
56. CAN YOU SNOWBOARD?
After my victory, I could if I wanted to.
57. DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?
I don't like anything.
58. DO YOU SNORT WHEN YOU LAUGH?
I've been told I cackle, and sometimes I invert into nothing. It's a nervous thing.
59. ARE DOGS A MAN'S BEST FRIEND?
Men can be evil. Dogs can be bad. Yes.
60. YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE?
I revel in it.
61. CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK?
When I have a body, I will moonwalk on the shattered remains of existence!
62. DO YOU MAKE MANY MISTAKES?
No. Never. I simply cannot ever fail.
63. IS IT COLD OUTSIDE TODAY?
Don't think to mock me.
64. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
I will torment your soul for all time.
66. DO YOU WEAR NAIL POLISH?
Technically I don't wear anything, and technically I wear all things.
67. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN KISSED?
You think you're getting to me. You think you're affecting me in some way. You're not. I am eternal. I will draw out all hope from within you until you are a decaying husk begging for the release of death.
68. WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL?
I AM the annoying TV commercial.
69. DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE?
I shoplift at American Eagle, for I am all people. Not even American Eagle is safe from my dark whispers.
70. FAVORITE BAND AT THE MOMENT?
I've always liked the Rolling Stones.
By the way: I am responsible for the missing question Number 49. Do you doubt my power now? YOU ARE ALL DOOMED!
Now, this was done very spur-of-the-moment and isn't much more than a one-joke wonder, but here goes anyway:
1. DO YOU SNORE?
I am the nasally congested snort that causes you to wake in the middle of the night and contemplate the murder of your spouse in the hopes you will get some sleep.
2. ARE YOU A LOVER OR A FIGHTER?
I'm the first evil that ever existed. Lover, obviously.
3. WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?
What is fear to one as timeless as me?
4. AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC?
I was the maniac who killed his wife by force feeding her legos. You are all doomed. I am all things.
5. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF "REALITY" TV?
It's one of my greatest inventions.
6. DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?
I don't chew on anything. I'm non-corporeal...
Or am I?
7. WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?
I am the cute baby squeezing tiny fingers around the cat's neck, innocent in my joy at inflicting pain.
8. IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU?
My psychotic priest friends say I'm something of a tease. I can never stick to one fascination, however. I am everyone's soul mate. You cannot escape my gaze. You are all doomed.
9. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?
Red with the blood of the innocent.
10. DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?
I sing during the shower scene in Psycho. It's so inspiring.
11. HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED?
No, but I have suggested it in various tortures and pre-torture bindings.
12. ANY SECRET TALENTS?
I can touch when I really want to. Unless I'm lying. You'll never know, fools!
13. WHAT'S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT?
The mouth of hell.
14. IS JAY LENO FUNNY?
Jay is a dear friend. No comment.
15. CAN YOU SWIM?
I swim through the icy center of mankind's soul. I swim through their minds and hearts. I am the unyeilding current that drives them to selfishness, violence, jealousy and greed. Can I swim through water? I have no idea. I can't touch water...Or can I?
16. HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE "DONNIE DARKO"?
Of course. I'm always keeping an eye on the movie industry.
17. DO YOU GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE OZONE?
The ozone is all a part of my master plan. You'll see. Eventually I'll be victorious! There's no beating me! You're doomed! Doomed!
18. HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP?
Enjoy your tootsie pop while you can. You can't escape me. I'm a part of you. I'm a part of your tootsie pop. I'm a part of Mr. Owl and Mr. Turtle. I am everywhere and everything. You're so doomed, it's not even funny.
19. CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS?
Of course. I'll torture you until you're crazy and then use that song to trigger you to do my bidding. It's the perfect plan! You're so doomed!
20. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON AN AIRPLANE?
Don't you understand? I am all things! I have been in all places! I'm evil, people! EVIL! Let's see, anything evil ever happen in an airplane? Gee, I can't possibly think of anything evil happening on an airplane. YOU ARE ALL DOOMED!
21. ARE YOU AN ONLY CHILD?
I am the first child, and all of humanity is my sibling.
22. DO YOU PREFER ELECTRICAL OR MANUAL PENCIL SHARPENER?
Manual is much more terrifying when it's a finger being jammed in there.
23. WHAT'S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING?
I only enjoy the kind that's not necessary.
24. IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?
I invented marriage purely so that there might be divorce.
25. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
My handwriting is in the script of every poet, every author, and every dictator. My handwriting writes the pages of history, and shapes the world into my image. You're already beaten, and you don't even know it yet. My victory is assured.
26. WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?
Nothing, I'm incorporeal. Or am I? What was that nagging itch you just felt on your shoulder?
27. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, "I LOVE YOU"?
I say it a thousand times a day. It's one of my most useful tools.
28. IS ELVIS STILL ALIVE?
I am Elvis. I was a part of him, and he is a part of me. Also: no.
29. DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?
I am the tear of anger as I watch my beloved marry another. I am the tear of vengeance as I destroy their lives. Also, I get misty whenever they kiss at the end. I can't touch, you see....
Or can I?
Just one kiss would be nice.
30. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
Deviled.
31. ARE BLONDES DUMB?
Yes. Especially bottle blondes with scythes. Even dumber are redheads. Dumber still are bleached blond guys with amulets.
32. WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP?
Gagging the victim.
33. WHAT TIME IS IT?
It is my time. I am time. I am more than time. I am the first of all things and I will be the end of all things. Doubt me at your peril!
34. DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?
All names are my name, for I am all beings. Do you begin to see how hopeless it is? You're doomed!
35. IS MCDONALDS DISGUSTING?
I've never eaten anything. I don't want to talk about it.
36. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR, AND WHO WERE YOU WITH?
I was with all people in all cars. Especially the Hummers.
37. DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS?
I enjoy bathing in the glory of my grand plan of total domination and body-having-ness.
38. IS SANTA CLAUS REAL?
As real as I.
39. DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR NECK KISSED?
You'll pay for that. I guarantee it. All hope for you is lost.
40. ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?
I am the dark. Haven't you been listening? Bad things = me. Scary things = me. You = doomed.
41. WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?
Making empty threats.
42. CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER?
I have no concept of taste or texture. You will all taste my wrath, however. You're all doomed. I'm so going to win.
43. CAN YOU CRACK YOUR NECK?
I have no neck, and I am all necks. When I want them cracked, I tell my blind minions to crack them for me.
44. HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE?
I was there when the paramedic decided to wait a few extra seconds before clearing his patient's airways, just because the patient was a different race.
45. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY.
I have never brushed my teeth, and yet I brush my teeth billions of times a day, for I am all people and all things. Also, when people are stabbed by a shiv made out of a toothbrush, that's because of me.
Oh, and gingivitis? Me.
46. IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?
No one is free. I am their silent puppetmaster. You all dance to my tune, you just don't know it.
47. ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER?
I don't sleep, I just float through nightmares.
48. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?
The same as the person you love most in the world. I'm them.
50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?
What kind of question is that? Next question.
51. DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS OR PIERCINGS?
I have the tattoo of an ex-lover's name that sparks the envy of my current lover. I have all forms and no form at all. When I finally make my move, you won't know who to trust.
52. ARE YOU PSYCHIC?
I know your thoughts and the thoughts of all creatures. Your mother was truly disappointed in you.
53. HAVE YOU READ "CATCHER IN THE RYE"?
I have read all things. I am all things.
54. DO YOU PLAY AN INSTRUMENT?
The world dances to my tune. I play souls. My power is eternal and I am never-ending! I will never be defeated!
55. HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN MONEY?
Yes, in much the same way as I have done everything ever, since I am all people and all things. Try to wrap your puny mind around the concept of my existence and realize that there is no hope in stopping me. I will flood the land with horror and finally have solid form, and then...Then you'll see!
56. CAN YOU SNOWBOARD?
After my victory, I could if I wanted to.
57. DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?
I don't like anything.
58. DO YOU SNORT WHEN YOU LAUGH?
I've been told I cackle, and sometimes I invert into nothing. It's a nervous thing.
59. ARE DOGS A MAN'S BEST FRIEND?
Men can be evil. Dogs can be bad. Yes.
60. YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE?
I revel in it.
61. CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK?
When I have a body, I will moonwalk on the shattered remains of existence!
62. DO YOU MAKE MANY MISTAKES?
No. Never. I simply cannot ever fail.
63. IS IT COLD OUTSIDE TODAY?
Don't think to mock me.
64. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
I will torment your soul for all time.
66. DO YOU WEAR NAIL POLISH?
Technically I don't wear anything, and technically I wear all things.
67. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN KISSED?
You think you're getting to me. You think you're affecting me in some way. You're not. I am eternal. I will draw out all hope from within you until you are a decaying husk begging for the release of death.
68. WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL?
I AM the annoying TV commercial.
69. DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE?
I shoplift at American Eagle, for I am all people. Not even American Eagle is safe from my dark whispers.
70. FAVORITE BAND AT THE MOMENT?
I've always liked the Rolling Stones.
By the way: I am responsible for the missing question Number 49. Do you doubt my power now? YOU ARE ALL DOOMED!