Braaaain! (Also: Mac complains about something that's actually worth complaining about, for once)
If I haven't mentioned it, I'm really not a big fan of my brain. We're coming close to about two years now of me basically living in a pain-coma, and even before then it was vastly disrupting my life. It is incredibly, incredibly frustrating. Most of the time when I'm not posting, it's because I feel absolutely miserable and am incapable of doing pretty much anything except complain about how bad I feel, which I suspect most people don't feel like hearing. Hence the long stretches of silence.
Despite how I have pointed out my misery in the past, in general I don't like to talk about my health problems. That's a personal issue that stems way back to my childhood, so when I actually do make mention of my health, understand that it goes against my base personality.
But I learned many years ago that when I keep all that to myself, people tend to make up their own reasons for why I seem to have disappeared, or why I don't go hang out the way I used to, or why I seem grumpy or in a bad mood all the time. So I try to at least make passing mention to it every once in a while.
So yeah, if I'm being truthful, the last two years of my life have sucked out loud. I have been struggling with doctors and medications for quite a long time, and while a few things have had minor-to-moderate effect on my health, they all tend to come with untenable side-effects, and many times they take months of trial-and-error to figure out if they even do anything at all. All the while, I am getting daily, MASSIVELY painful headaches that tend to last anywhere from 6-12 hours, and leave me basically comatose when they do go away.
See, the above paragraph makes me feel like a big whiner who's just looking for sympathy. I'm not, really. Dealing with this is something for me and my friends and family to deal with, but I guess I do feel like I owe some explanation to everyone for why I'm so goddamn random with my postings these days. Trust me that if I could be writing more, even just making simple entries on whatever nonsense I'm cranky about that day, I would be doing that.
There is a distinct possibility that I may have to apply for disability soon. I'm really not looking forward to that, but nearly two years of being unable to do pretty much anything means I may not have a choice. The idea really scares me, I have to admit. It feels like I'd be giving up on the idea of ever getting out of this.
Since I recently switched off of one set of meds, my mind's been much clearer than it was for the last few months. Unfortunately it also means I am back to daily massive migraines. And yet I so missed being able to write that part of me doesn't want to go to a new set of medications. While I may be going through what I can only describe as torturous pain (I wish I were exaggerating, I'm not) every day, having those few hours when the migraine finally goes away where I can write and think mostly normally is very nice.
It makes me realize why schizophrenics and psychotics will stop taking their daily medication. Sure, you might not be suffering from your disease anymore, but you feel so absolutely disconnected and sedated that you hardly feel like you're alive. It sucks quite a bit.
Again, this is not a sympathy thing. I'm not even entirely sure why I'm writing this. I think maybe because I just need to get it off my chest. The last two weeks or so have been some of the worst I've experienced in over a year, despite my ability to get some writing done in the meantime. I guess I'm just complaining because it makes me feel slightly better to complain.
On the other hand, I also feel like an absolute tool, and am strongly debating not posting this entry. If you're reading this, it means I talked myself into it.
I guess my point here is this: if you're healthy, if you can function on a day to day basis, if you're capable of thinking clearly and living independently -- enjoy it. I know it sounds trite, but really. Enjoy it. It's not a guarantee that you'll have it forever.
And finally, thought I've said it before, it bears repeating: I apologize to anyone that I ever scoffed at for claiming they had debilitating migraines. I was one of many people who thought migraines were just really bad headaches (although I now realize I used to get these even as a child, but they were so much more rare that they hardly affected my life) instead of the absolute nightmare that they are.
As a child and teenager, I had some very major health problems. I was in the emergency room, hospital, and ICU more than a few times, and came much closer to death than I'd care to admit. Yet through all of that, I still had my mind; I could still think clearly most of the time. And while these migraines are unlikely to lead to any life-threatening situations for me, I find that they are much more difficult to deal with than my previous illness.
I've never had any alcohol in my life. I've never done any illegal drugs. For my entire life, I've basically cherished the ability to think clearly and rationally at all times, and for the last few years I have been experiencing an increasingly more debilitating inability to think the way I know that I'm able; whether because of the migraines themselves or the medications to stop them. Either way, it seems like there's a very slim chance I'll ever be 100% again. It scares me.
I still have hope, however. As I said, I was very sick as a child and teenager. No medication could help me, no treatments had me able to live a normal life. But I managed to stay alive long enough for medical science to come up with new medications and new treatments, and now my original illness is so under control it's hardly even an issue in my life anymore.
That's what I hope will someday happen with these migraines. The trouble is that it's not a very well known condition. There are literally dozens upon dozens of medications for treatment, and most of them are a trial-and-error kind of situation. Nobody seems to have a real clear understanding of how they occur or how to stop them consistently, as each person seems to react very differently to many medications. Lucky for me I seem to be one of those rare types who don't respond to most treatments. Hooray for me?
So that's basically what's going on with me lately. It's not been a good few years, and while I always hold out hope that the next treatment will work, I have no idea what other side effects may take place as a result. My biggest hope is that I will someday be free of these migraines and be able to think and write and reason on a consistent basis again.
Until then, I'm going to try my damnedest to keep writing, even if what I'm writing is a wacky random story about Xander being a super genius (that is rapidly spiraling down into NSFW territory, by the way).
So this is M. McGregor, the living legend (so dreamy!) saying: uh...I'm not doing so great, but I'm going to keep on keeping on as best I can. Thanks for sticking with me as long as you have, and I hope you guys know how much I appreciate your support for my writing.
I really can't believe I'm about to post this.
Despite how I have pointed out my misery in the past, in general I don't like to talk about my health problems. That's a personal issue that stems way back to my childhood, so when I actually do make mention of my health, understand that it goes against my base personality.
But I learned many years ago that when I keep all that to myself, people tend to make up their own reasons for why I seem to have disappeared, or why I don't go hang out the way I used to, or why I seem grumpy or in a bad mood all the time. So I try to at least make passing mention to it every once in a while.
So yeah, if I'm being truthful, the last two years of my life have sucked out loud. I have been struggling with doctors and medications for quite a long time, and while a few things have had minor-to-moderate effect on my health, they all tend to come with untenable side-effects, and many times they take months of trial-and-error to figure out if they even do anything at all. All the while, I am getting daily, MASSIVELY painful headaches that tend to last anywhere from 6-12 hours, and leave me basically comatose when they do go away.
See, the above paragraph makes me feel like a big whiner who's just looking for sympathy. I'm not, really. Dealing with this is something for me and my friends and family to deal with, but I guess I do feel like I owe some explanation to everyone for why I'm so goddamn random with my postings these days. Trust me that if I could be writing more, even just making simple entries on whatever nonsense I'm cranky about that day, I would be doing that.
There is a distinct possibility that I may have to apply for disability soon. I'm really not looking forward to that, but nearly two years of being unable to do pretty much anything means I may not have a choice. The idea really scares me, I have to admit. It feels like I'd be giving up on the idea of ever getting out of this.
Since I recently switched off of one set of meds, my mind's been much clearer than it was for the last few months. Unfortunately it also means I am back to daily massive migraines. And yet I so missed being able to write that part of me doesn't want to go to a new set of medications. While I may be going through what I can only describe as torturous pain (I wish I were exaggerating, I'm not) every day, having those few hours when the migraine finally goes away where I can write and think mostly normally is very nice.
It makes me realize why schizophrenics and psychotics will stop taking their daily medication. Sure, you might not be suffering from your disease anymore, but you feel so absolutely disconnected and sedated that you hardly feel like you're alive. It sucks quite a bit.
Again, this is not a sympathy thing. I'm not even entirely sure why I'm writing this. I think maybe because I just need to get it off my chest. The last two weeks or so have been some of the worst I've experienced in over a year, despite my ability to get some writing done in the meantime. I guess I'm just complaining because it makes me feel slightly better to complain.
On the other hand, I also feel like an absolute tool, and am strongly debating not posting this entry. If you're reading this, it means I talked myself into it.
I guess my point here is this: if you're healthy, if you can function on a day to day basis, if you're capable of thinking clearly and living independently -- enjoy it. I know it sounds trite, but really. Enjoy it. It's not a guarantee that you'll have it forever.
And finally, thought I've said it before, it bears repeating: I apologize to anyone that I ever scoffed at for claiming they had debilitating migraines. I was one of many people who thought migraines were just really bad headaches (although I now realize I used to get these even as a child, but they were so much more rare that they hardly affected my life) instead of the absolute nightmare that they are.
As a child and teenager, I had some very major health problems. I was in the emergency room, hospital, and ICU more than a few times, and came much closer to death than I'd care to admit. Yet through all of that, I still had my mind; I could still think clearly most of the time. And while these migraines are unlikely to lead to any life-threatening situations for me, I find that they are much more difficult to deal with than my previous illness.
I've never had any alcohol in my life. I've never done any illegal drugs. For my entire life, I've basically cherished the ability to think clearly and rationally at all times, and for the last few years I have been experiencing an increasingly more debilitating inability to think the way I know that I'm able; whether because of the migraines themselves or the medications to stop them. Either way, it seems like there's a very slim chance I'll ever be 100% again. It scares me.
I still have hope, however. As I said, I was very sick as a child and teenager. No medication could help me, no treatments had me able to live a normal life. But I managed to stay alive long enough for medical science to come up with new medications and new treatments, and now my original illness is so under control it's hardly even an issue in my life anymore.
That's what I hope will someday happen with these migraines. The trouble is that it's not a very well known condition. There are literally dozens upon dozens of medications for treatment, and most of them are a trial-and-error kind of situation. Nobody seems to have a real clear understanding of how they occur or how to stop them consistently, as each person seems to react very differently to many medications. Lucky for me I seem to be one of those rare types who don't respond to most treatments. Hooray for me?
So that's basically what's going on with me lately. It's not been a good few years, and while I always hold out hope that the next treatment will work, I have no idea what other side effects may take place as a result. My biggest hope is that I will someday be free of these migraines and be able to think and write and reason on a consistent basis again.
Until then, I'm going to try my damnedest to keep writing, even if what I'm writing is a wacky random story about Xander being a super genius (that is rapidly spiraling down into NSFW territory, by the way).
So this is M. McGregor, the living legend (so dreamy!) saying: uh...I'm not doing so great, but I'm going to keep on keeping on as best I can. Thanks for sticking with me as long as you have, and I hope you guys know how much I appreciate your support for my writing.
I really can't believe I'm about to post this.