Your mission, should you choose to accept it.
Okay everyone, we're about to take off for the Thanksgiving break, so I'm handing out your assignments now. If you will be celebrating Thanksgiving this week, then I urge you all to do at least one of the following at Thanksgiving dinner:
1. Use the word "dirigible" in conversation with family or friends no less than four times.
2. Claim that the tryptophan in turkey is not part of their natural makeup, and that Benjamin Franklin bred in this trait in order to satisfy both his irrational love of turkeys and his powerful desire to go to bed early.
3. Pretend to drink as you really just put the glass to your lips and fake it, then look around slyly as no one suspects you've got them all fooled. If you get into an argument or heated discussion, accuse your opponent of being so clueless they couldn't even tell you were fake drinking.
4. Repeatedly mention how you are really looking forward to eating some Durkey. If turkey is not actually being served, express your disappointment at not being able to have Durkey for tinner. If anyone expresses their confusion over your pronunciation, reply, "Ton't make fun. I bid my dongue."
5. Sign your name to a piece of paper, then ask one other person to sign your "pe-two-tion". If they ask what it's for, reply, "It's for signing, you judgmental ass!" Then throw the paper on the ground and leave the room in a huff. Later, apologize for your outburst and say, "I just feel so strongly about the cause, that's all."
6. Gesture wildly with your left arm whenever you talk, but keep your right arm perfectly still.
7. For the entirety of the actual meal, hold your blinks for a half second longer than normal every time.
8. Try to touch your nose as often as possible and see how long it is before someone notices. When they do, quickly lower your hands and smile nervously.
9. Casually mention that you own a laser to at least two people.
10. Declare that you are thankful for all the Renaissance painters except Raphael. If anyone asks why not Raphael, reply that "He is cool, but historians agree he was either rude or crude, and possibly both."
Report back to me by Saturday and let me know which of these things you did, and the undoubtedly positive consequences that came about as a result. Depending on which assignment you completed, I may or may not award you with a prize that doesn't exist.
If you don't celebrate Thanksgiving, you can still attempt most of these at work or school, and you might even get some turkey out of the deal.
1. Use the word "dirigible" in conversation with family or friends no less than four times.
2. Claim that the tryptophan in turkey is not part of their natural makeup, and that Benjamin Franklin bred in this trait in order to satisfy both his irrational love of turkeys and his powerful desire to go to bed early.
3. Pretend to drink as you really just put the glass to your lips and fake it, then look around slyly as no one suspects you've got them all fooled. If you get into an argument or heated discussion, accuse your opponent of being so clueless they couldn't even tell you were fake drinking.
4. Repeatedly mention how you are really looking forward to eating some Durkey. If turkey is not actually being served, express your disappointment at not being able to have Durkey for tinner. If anyone expresses their confusion over your pronunciation, reply, "Ton't make fun. I bid my dongue."
5. Sign your name to a piece of paper, then ask one other person to sign your "pe-two-tion". If they ask what it's for, reply, "It's for signing, you judgmental ass!" Then throw the paper on the ground and leave the room in a huff. Later, apologize for your outburst and say, "I just feel so strongly about the cause, that's all."
6. Gesture wildly with your left arm whenever you talk, but keep your right arm perfectly still.
7. For the entirety of the actual meal, hold your blinks for a half second longer than normal every time.
8. Try to touch your nose as often as possible and see how long it is before someone notices. When they do, quickly lower your hands and smile nervously.
9. Casually mention that you own a laser to at least two people.
10. Declare that you are thankful for all the Renaissance painters except Raphael. If anyone asks why not Raphael, reply that "He is cool, but historians agree he was either rude or crude, and possibly both."
Report back to me by Saturday and let me know which of these things you did, and the undoubtedly positive consequences that came about as a result. Depending on which assignment you completed, I may or may not award you with a prize that doesn't exist.
If you don't celebrate Thanksgiving, you can still attempt most of these at work or school, and you might even get some turkey out of the deal.