M. McGregor, the living legend (so dreamy!), at your service.

[m_mcgregor]

I feel that I have not been taken advantage of lately. Let's face it: I'm a witty guy. You know it, I know it, I know it, and especially I know it. I take great joy in being clever, irreverent, and/or hilariously cranky

Comments

[m_mcgregor]

Step 1: Invent time travel.

Step 2: Live your entire life, doing your best to learn as much as you can about the seduction of women. Being succesful at this stage does not matter.

Step 3: When you are near-death, travel back in time to your youth, thereby creating an alternate past.

Step 4: Teach your younger, alternate self everything you know about both women, time travel, and alternate realities, and encourage him to enact steps 2 and 3 himself.

Step 5: After several billion iterations of your various selves traveling back into the past and adding their meager increase in skill and knowledge to your past self, eventually there will be a version of you that learns enough about these so-called "women" to get one for yourself.

Step 6: Your perfect-alternate-self, know ominscient in regards to time travel, women, and alternate realities, will (once he's done with all the sex) create an alternate reality drive and travel back to your reality, the point of origin.

Step 7: Use the knowledge gained by your perfect alternate self to get a lady for yourself before you even technically did any of the above steps.

Step 8: So basically just wait for your perfect alternate reality self to arrive from the past/future and you'll be all set.

Step 9: If he doesn't show up, you have no one to blame but yourself, since clearly you're being very lazy in the future.

[d_tepes]

Uh, already did this. First iteration I waited until I was too close to death, came back and said "Drake... women..." then died. Next iteration came back and said "Huh, not even with a fist full of fifties..." Next was "Mail Order Brides, don't go there..." as he was bleeding from several bullet wounds. Next one was all "Have you considered the joys of livestock?" Then came "How can we make ourself gay?" It went along like that until some British jackass stopped us, told us to stop mucking about with time and dimensions. The pillock.

So, I tried but as you can see I failed through no fault of my own. Clearly I was causality cockblocked by that dude. Thus, again, I beg of you. Um, help?

[m_mcgregor]

Um, excuse me, did you see Step 10: Kowtow to some bescarfed british busybody on that list? No, I do not think you did.

Man up and get back to playing god with the fabric of space and time!

[d_tepes]

But... but... but... he's British! How can I stand against such an accented creature? Plus his condensation (does that word go both ways?) made something inside me shrivel up and weep.

Plus he kicked me in the gaga-at-the-gogo when I asked if he could maybe hook me up with that Cougary ex-companion of his. Hrmph.