LJ Idol- Week 6 Solvitur ambulando
It has been slowly over the last couple years that I have started to "come out" to friends. No, put the black armbands away ladies, I am not gay. And I am a little squick about referring to this as a coming out, because I don't want to belittle how traumatic a real coming out can be in a Homophobic world. But I live in Texas, where the proper greeting to the new guy in town is "have you found a "church family" yet?"
"I was raised Baptist, Baptized Episcopalian, married into the Methodist Church and now I am First Church of Football", I say....then I see the terror in their eyes and say "I'm a believer", and it's true in it's fashion. The tension is broken and they quickly invite me to "come visitin'" to their church. It wasn't "really" a lie I do believe it is at least possible if not exactly likely that there is some kind of force for good in the Universe, but I don't think the name matters. I mean consider the consequences if the name matters, it means God likes people in the American South better than pretty much anybody, the great Colonel in the Sky anyone?
Got a Facebook IM the other day after I had hinted at this, "Just because of what happened to your brother, don't give up on Jesus!" This was a man who until he married I used to hang out with in Red's Sports Bar and the dog track and sometimes rolled craps with on a makeshift craps table in his backyard. (I know, I know, Christians sin, just like everyone else) it just makes me uncomfortable to tell people who love me, yeah, I know you think my choices are gonna damn me, but they are MY choices. This was a much nicer message than a couple I recieved right after his death (to be fair it was a couple out of dozens or maybe a hundred) saying Lane was in hell and I needed to get right with the Lord. (Recruitment pitch 0 out of 10....would not eat again).
Don't get me wrong one of my first thoughts when the odd something good happens is "thank you, Jesus" and even as I type this there is a part of me that thinks some bad thing is going to happen to me as a result of such a public heresy. It just doesn't resonate like it used to....o.k, the good stuff is Jesus and the bad stuff is the red guy. God knows what you are going to do and why you are going to do it but he gets mad at you if you don't believe because he is jealous.
I don't generally talk about this with my Christian friends the same way I don't generally talk about my masturbation habits, it just makes everyone uncomfortable. But on the rare occasions I have (the faith conversation not the wanking one, that's next weeks entry) there is always some epiphinal moment for them. "I know God exists because"....And I just can't talk myself into it anymore.
Honestly, I don't know what I believe, for a while I was sold on a "clockmaker God" who just set everything in motion and lets it run. Maybe, but if that is the case how is it relevant for me, except as a point of trivia. I like the idea of reincarnation, striving toward enlightenment through multiple lives, I even, sometimes, think I have seen a sketchy sort of "evidence" of it, but certainly not enough to stand up to the scientific method.
I have no idea guys, all above my paygrade (another "joke" I make that makes people round these parts uncomfortable until I let them off the hook with a chuckle that implys I frequently send "knee-mail" even if I don't). Maybe I have another 20 years to think about it, and who knows maybe as I sicken and weaken I will "rediscover" my Christian faith....and maybe it will even be what I really think instead of raw fear.
Quis hoc potest praedicere!
"I was raised Baptist, Baptized Episcopalian, married into the Methodist Church and now I am First Church of Football", I say....then I see the terror in their eyes and say "I'm a believer", and it's true in it's fashion. The tension is broken and they quickly invite me to "come visitin'" to their church. It wasn't "really" a lie I do believe it is at least possible if not exactly likely that there is some kind of force for good in the Universe, but I don't think the name matters. I mean consider the consequences if the name matters, it means God likes people in the American South better than pretty much anybody, the great Colonel in the Sky anyone?
Got a Facebook IM the other day after I had hinted at this, "Just because of what happened to your brother, don't give up on Jesus!" This was a man who until he married I used to hang out with in Red's Sports Bar and the dog track and sometimes rolled craps with on a makeshift craps table in his backyard. (I know, I know, Christians sin, just like everyone else) it just makes me uncomfortable to tell people who love me, yeah, I know you think my choices are gonna damn me, but they are MY choices. This was a much nicer message than a couple I recieved right after his death (to be fair it was a couple out of dozens or maybe a hundred) saying Lane was in hell and I needed to get right with the Lord. (Recruitment pitch 0 out of 10....would not eat again).
Don't get me wrong one of my first thoughts when the odd something good happens is "thank you, Jesus" and even as I type this there is a part of me that thinks some bad thing is going to happen to me as a result of such a public heresy. It just doesn't resonate like it used to....o.k, the good stuff is Jesus and the bad stuff is the red guy. God knows what you are going to do and why you are going to do it but he gets mad at you if you don't believe because he is jealous.
I don't generally talk about this with my Christian friends the same way I don't generally talk about my masturbation habits, it just makes everyone uncomfortable. But on the rare occasions I have (the faith conversation not the wanking one, that's next weeks entry) there is always some epiphinal moment for them. "I know God exists because"....And I just can't talk myself into it anymore.
Honestly, I don't know what I believe, for a while I was sold on a "clockmaker God" who just set everything in motion and lets it run. Maybe, but if that is the case how is it relevant for me, except as a point of trivia. I like the idea of reincarnation, striving toward enlightenment through multiple lives, I even, sometimes, think I have seen a sketchy sort of "evidence" of it, but certainly not enough to stand up to the scientific method.
I have no idea guys, all above my paygrade (another "joke" I make that makes people round these parts uncomfortable until I let them off the hook with a chuckle that implys I frequently send "knee-mail" even if I don't). Maybe I have another 20 years to think about it, and who knows maybe as I sicken and weaken I will "rediscover" my Christian faith....and maybe it will even be what I really think instead of raw fear.
Quis hoc potest praedicere!