Fic: Guinevere's Choice
Title: Guinevere’s choice
Author: ella_rose88
Rating: PG
Word count: 9,401
Characters/Pairings: Gwen, Igraine, Arthur, Lancelot, Merlin, Arthur/Gwen and Gwen/Lancelot.
Spoilers/Warnings: Some slight character spoilers for series 4 (though no names are mentioned).
Disclaimer: I don’t own Merlin. If I did things would be different just a tad. There would be many A/G centred episodes and Gwen would be given a sword and go on adventures to rescue the boys (LOL which might give me an idea for another fic)!
Summary: Gwen gets visited by a ghost who shows her the future.
Author’s notes: Set after the events of series 3. This was written for the reel-merlin Challenge. For the challenge I chose to base my fic on the film It’s a Wonderful Life. Although, it was also inspired by the One Tree Hill episode, Songs to Love and Die By. The name of the fic was inspired by the Doctor Who episode Amy’s choice.
Many thanks to sophielou21 & rubber-glue for helping me by listening to my constant rants when I was having trouble with my muse, giving me advice and reading my many drafts. Love you guys ♥!
A special thanks must go to rainbow-connec for bribing me to sign up to this challenge by giving me some *puppydogeyes* and for beta'ing it for me ♥!
Comments and feedback are always ♥ and appreciated!
****
Gwen is annoyed.
Arthur could always tell when Gwen was annoyed and tonight is no exception.
They are attending the Feast to celebrate the birthday of Arthur’s uncle. Everything appears to be going all according to plan, until the noble ladies start their usual ritual of gossiping.
Gwen is making her way to Sir Leon to enquire how his expecting wife is feeling, when she overhears some of their conversation.
“Why on earth is the Prince’s mistress attending this feast? A mistress’s place is in bed, not in public where people can see her.” Lady Beatrice says, looking quite outraged. Her companion Lady Isabel replies, “Well obviously she must have been a good roll in the hay if the prince is determined to have her attend the feast.”
Arthur is pleasantly occupied talking to Gwaine and Leon when he overhears some of the conversation. Ignoring his first instinct to go over and put the ladies in their place, Arthur concentrates on Gwen. She looks like she wants to put the noble ladies in their place too, but instead she continues listening to the ladies ‘conversation’ like it’s not her place to defend herself.
Sensing that Gwen is not alright, Arthur politely excuses himself from Gwaine and Leon and starts to make his way over to Gwen to see if she is alright. But it is too late as Gwen discreetly made her way to the exit, picking up an empty plate on her way out.
Arthur immediately follows her and later finds himself in the palace kitchens. Although, Arthur managed to secure Gwen a position of being Gaius’s assistant after Morgana fled, there were many times when he found her carrying out her former maid duties. Whenever he asked her about why she was cleaning or helping the cook when she did not need to, she would always sigh and say (sounding slightly annoyed, Arthur might add) “I know I’m not a lady’s maid anymore, but I’m not ashamed of doing some work.” Arthur learnt that whenever Gwen did this he needed to tread carefully.
He manages to find Gwen. She is standing in front of a bucket with her pale blue velvet sleeves rolled up to her elbows, slightly hunched over, furiously scrubbing at some pots and pans.
“You know if you scrub too hard there won’t be any pots or pans left,” Arthur jokes to try and lighten the tension in the air. He regrets saying it when all he hears in response is a grunt.
“You okay?” he tries again, hoping this time that Gwen will say something and open up to him.
“Fine, I’m fine. What makes you think I’m not fine?” Arthur walks a little closer to her.
“Because you suddenly walked out of the hall and now you are furiously scrubbing pots and pans?”
“Well Gladys was tired and I offered to help her out.” Arthur then grabs the cloth from Gwen’s hands, places it on the table before he places he hands on her shoulders and turns her towards him.
“Now I know that you’re lying. I overheard some of the ladies’ conversation…”
Arthur is about to continue when Gwen cuts him off. “It’s okay, Arthur. I don’t expect them to accept me after all I’m only a servant to them.”
“Well obviously it’s not okay because you keep running off and taking your anger out on the poor pots and pans,” Gwen giggles a little at this, “Now there’s the smile I know and love.”
Arthur goes to offer his arm to her. “Now Milady, I believe we have a feast to attend.” Instead of taking his arm, however Gwen picks up the cloth on the table and starts scrubbing the half-finished pan.
“Guinevere…”
Gwen cuts him off again, “I have to finish this Arthur. I’ll meet you a little later.”
“Gwen, I know that what those ladies said was disgraceful and cruel, but you can’t let it get to you.”
Gwen sighs, “I know it’s just I find it hard standing up to them when I will always be a servant in their eyes.”
“There’s no shame in having been a servant, Gwen. You just need to hold yourself above it. Don’t let them get to you. You’re nobler than the rest of them put together.” Arthur then pauses, looks down at her slightly dirtied sleeves then continues, “Though you might look slightly dirtier…” Arthur giggles, and then stops when he notices that Gwen is not laughing. Once again he has said the wrong thing.
“What’s that supposed to mean? Huh… I should be more like the other ‘noble’ ladies, more concerned with dresses, curtains and finding a husband than helping others who need it. ”
“You know that is not what I meant.” Arthur points out, “It’s just that running away from the feast to clean pots and pans isn’t going to change your image in their eyes.”
Arthur hopes that this will calm Gwen down a little and make her see reason. Instead it has the opposite effect.
“I can’t do this anymore” Arthur hears Gwen say, before she dumps the pot she was scrubbing into the bucket, picks up her skirts, gives him a “don’t you dare follow me” look then walks out of the kitchens.
*
Gwen is running.
Gwen loves Arthur and Camelot more than any words could say, but there were times where she feels suffocated by the pressure of helping Arthur run Camelot while his father still remains bed ridden after Morgana’s betrayal. Not only that, but Gwen knows that the nobles didn’t approve of her and the ‘commoner’ Knights’ elevation in rank. She had heard the many taunts and remarks that the noble ladies have made when they thought she couldn’t hear them. Some of them she dared not repeat or tell Arthur because they would turn your insides out. While she tries to put up a front that it did not bother her, a part of her feels that many of them were right. That she won’t make a good Queen, after all Queens were noble women, not servants. They had years of training of how to make a perfect wife and Queen, while she grew up learning how to make swords, cook and clean.
Finally Gwen reaches her destination.
It is very cold and frosty in the traitors graveyard and Gwen is glad that she had taken her new pale blue velvet cape with her. She was still getting use to her new gowns that Arthur insisted that she start wearing ever since she moved into the castle. She gently bends down and places the flowers she has in her hand in front of the grave stone.
“Sorry Father that I haven’t been here in a while. I’ve just been busy…” Gwen pauses as tears start to build up in her eyes. She really misses her father at moments like this when she needs someone to confide to. Yes, she had Merlin, Elyan, Gwaine and the other knights not to mention Arthur to confide to. But sometimes she misses her father’s wise words, the way he managed to soothe and comfort her like no one else could.
Gwen takes a deep breath to compose herself, wipes the tiny teardrops on her cheeks and begins to talk. Just as she starts to open her mouth, the bell starts toiling away signalling that it is midnight. Then she hears rustling of the trees coming from behind her.
Thinking that it is Arthur coming to check up on her and no doubt try and discuss what happened before, Gwen turns her head around to tell him to leave her alone.
However, the person standing before isn’t Arthur. Rather it is a woman in an exquisite white ball gown with tiny silver diamonds that twinkle in the moonlight. The woman has bright blue eyes and long, blonde hair and Gwen thinks that she is rather beautiful. Then she notices that the woman face is icy cold and blue and that the hem of her gown is torn. She starts to feel slightly eerie the more she looks at the strange woman for she has a strong bright light radiating from her face and body.
It makes her wonder whether she’s lost her senses because this woman looks like an angel or a ghost rather than a human being.
The woman then begins to hover towards her and Gwen cannot help but shout out, “Who are you?”
The woman looks Gwen in the eyes and says quite mysteriously, “You know who I am.”
Gwen doesn’t know what to think or say after the strange woman’s remark. Her first instinct is to run and fetch the guards for it is usual for a woman to be lurking around graveyards, scaring people. But Gwen can not move. It is as though she is paralysed and she has no idea why.
The woman continues to look at her, as if she is considering her and it slowly dawns on Gwen. Blue eyes, blonde hair and her demeanour, it reminds her of someone. Of a woman in a portrait in the castle that she has cleaned several times.
“Oh my god… It can’t be….” Gwen blurts out and the woman nods her head, leaving Gwen to mutter “You’re the queen.”
“Yes, I was the Queen.” The former Queen confirms, and then she starts slowly walking down the path, looking at each of the headstones solemnly.
Gwen can’t stop herself from asking, “What are you doing here, Your Highness?
“I come here every night to look at all gravestones of all the innocent people that have been killed… it surprises me how much it still fills me with such sadness and guilt whenever I see all the headstones.” Gwen can see small tears forming in her eyes as she pauses but she bushes them away before turning her head to Gwen and asking, “What brings you down here at this time of night, Gwen?”
“How did you know my name?” Gwen blurts out, shocked that the once Queen of Camelot and wife to Uther Pendragon would know her name. Especially since she died a year before she was born.
“From time to time I like to check on Arthur to see how he is going, if he’s alright. When you die there is nothing much else for you to do but watch and make sure that your loved ones are safe and happy. You no longer have a life, so you find yourself living through others.” Then she looks Gwen up and down, as if considering her.
Gwen feels slightly uncomfortable at this, and then Igraine gives her a smile. “I’ve noticed that my son has formed a very strong attachment to you,” which eases her uneasiness somewhat.
But before Gwen can respond to Igraine’s remark, the former Queen asks her again, “So what brings you here, Gwen?”
Gwen is a little taken back, surprised that Igraine is interested in her that she can not help but answer. Though she has a feeling in the pit of her stomach that she is considering everything she says and does.
“I came to visit my father; it’s been a while since I have visited…” Gwen pauses as she realises that she’s talking to a ghost. Not just any ghost but Arthur’s mother and Uther’s wife.
“Yet that is not all that troubles you…” Igraine points out. It surprises Gwen how much Igraine reminds her of Arthur, the way in which they both can sense when something is troubling her.
“I guess you’re right. I came here tonight because I guess I needed some advice… guidance. My father was always good at that, even when I was a little girl.”
For a moment Gwen can’t believe that she said that. Igraine then gives her a little nod, signalling for Gwen to continue. Though it makes her feel a little more confortable to confide to someone she barely knows and is a ghost, she can not help but feel a little sceptical.
On the other hand, this whole thing could just be dream so why not? Gwen thinks.
“I’ve been having doubts lately about things….about whether I’m making the right decisions.” Once again Gwen stops. Though she has been having these doubts lately, she has never expressed these doubts to anyone, not even her brother and certainly not Arthur. She did not want to burden them.
“About Arthur?” Igraine asks.
“Yes…” Gwen can’t help but reply.
Before Gwen has a chance to say anything else, a full gust of wind starts to blow through the walkway, making all the fallen leaves and bits of twigs fly everywhere. Gwen has no choice but to close her eyes from the onslaught.
*
A few moments later, the whooshing of the wind finally die down and stop and Gwen slowly opens her eyes. Only she is not in the traitor’s graveyard anymore.
Rather she is standing outside her former home.
This must be a dream or I am going crazy, Gwen thinks.
Slowly she turns around and finds that Igraine is standing behind her.
“Hhhow did I get here?” Gwen asks Igraine shocked; though she has a feeling she knows the answer anyway.
“Magic.” Igraine simply says.
Before Gwen has the chance to ask her why she had been transported to outside her former home, she hears two voices coming from her house, a female and a male. Feeling intrigued to find out who the voices belong to, Gwen walks towards the window and looks through it.
Inside she sees an older version of herself and Lancelot sitting at the table. Is that really me? Gwen can’t help but think. There are two candlesticks, a vase filled with flowers, some plates and cutlery set out and a chicken on the table.
At first she is too confused and shocked to speak for the scene in front of reminds her of the time when Arthur stayed at her house and offered to ‘cook’ her dinner after they had a little disagreement. She remembers how much fun she had, one of the best nights of her life if she is honest.
Finally summoning the courage to speak, Gwen turns around to face Igraine, “What is this? Where have you taken me?”
“This Gwen is your future, or rather your possible future.” Igraine explains to her.
“What do you mean possible future?” Gwen’s head starts to spin a little. After all the events and happenings of the night she feels as though she cannot think anymore, much less understand anything that Igraine has said.
“There are many possible futures, destinies which depend upon the choices we make. Everything we decide affects where we end up, which path we go along - the future.”
Finally understanding what Igraine means, Gwen looks back towards the window and sees her future self and Lancelot still having dinner. Gwen watches has her future self tries to engage Lancelot into conversation by asking him how his day was and what other news is happening in the castle. Gwen is surprised to see how distant he has become; only giving short and boring answers. Not like the Lancelot she knew. She can see that her future self is getting a little exasperated by his sullen mood.
Once they finish their meal, Lancelot goes to offer to wash the dinner plates and dishes. However, Gwen pushes his hand away, but before she makes her way towards the kitchen bench, Lancelot grabs her wrist and places a kiss to her lips as if trying to make up for his behaviour. Gwen observes the forced smile on Guinevere’s face.
Before Gwen has time to fully register this, she manages to glimpse at her hand, and there on the left hand, on her finger is a ring. She looks towards Lancelot and spots that he has a ring on his finger too.
Shocked at what she’s just witnessed, she turns once again to Igraine, “Lancelot and I are married?” though it comes out more has a statement than a question.
“Yes,” Igraine responds and then she looks into Gwen’s face as if she is trying to gauge her reaction to her future self being married to Lancelot.
Gwen finds herself looking back at when she first met Lancelot, before any man noticed her. The way he made her a little nervous whenever he smiled. How he managed to make her blush whenever he called her a ‘lady’ and kissed her hand, like she was a Princess. There was a time when she would not have minded being married to Lancelot. After all he was a kind, loyal and loving man and he loved her. She also cared deeply for him and there were no obstacles in the way of them being together.
Then things changed. Her life changed. Lancelot left, and she began to see the many wonderful qualities of Arthur and then things happened. They ended up spending more time together and he listened to her and made her want to be herself, Guinevere, not just Gwen. She fell for him. She fell for a prince who she could never marry, could never be with.
Gwen starts to fidget with her hands. She feels a little hesitant to look through the window once again for she’s afraid that by doing so it would betray Arthur. A part of her, just a small part of her wants to know what her life would be like if she had chosen a different path, a different future.
Sensing her worry and uneasiness, Igraine gives her a little nod and Gwen finds the courage to look through the window.
Gwen hears footsteps coming behind her. Curious to find out who it is, Gwen turns around and it’s Merlin. Rather a future version of him. Gwen’s heart starts to falter a little bit; afraid that he might see her, instead he just walks straight past them to the door and knocks.
“So no one can see us then?” Igraine nods her head. Gwen can’t help but look at this future version of Merlin. He looks older, wiser and Gwen can’t help but notice that he has dropped the whole neck-scarf look which for some reason makes her giggle a little on the inside.
However the voices in her house manage to break Gwen out of her reverie.
“Gwen, I need you to come to the castle.” Gwen can tell that Merlin is very distressed and running on a ton of nerves.
“What is it, Merlin?” she can hear the worriedness in her future self’s voice and face.
“It’s Arthur. He’s been injured….” Merlin pauses as Guinevere’s face drops, so he quickly adds, “he’s alive, but I need someone to look after him. Someone we trust.”
“Of course, I’ll come” Guinevere scrambles to the back of the door and grabs her purple cloak from the hook. “What happened?”
“He got into a fight with Sir Hector because it turns out we were right. He was under an enchantment put on him by Morgana and Mordred.”
“What are you talking about, Merlin.” Guinevere has no idea what Merlin is talking about, Gwen can tell.
Guinevere then looks over to Lancelot to give her some kind of explanation, but his face is passive. Something about the way Lancelot is acting, makes Gwen think that all is not happy between them. Lancelot is being distant, not opening up to her like married couples normally do. Because being married isn’t only about being constant to one person, it’s also about sharing everything with each other - no matter what it is.
“Didn’t Lancelot tell you?” then it dawns on Merlin that by the looks on both Guinevere and Lancelot’s faces that he hadn’t informed Guinevere of the latest happenings in the castle. Ever since Guinevere and Lancelot got married, things were a little uncomfortable whenever Arthur, Guinevere and Lancelot were in the same room. As time went on, Guinevere gradually stopped going to the castle, only venturing there once in a while to visit Merlin. Sometimes if there was a ball the Knights needed to attend, Guinevere would accompany Lancelot as it was expected of a Knight’s wife.
Struggling with finding something to say to end the uncomfortable silence, Merlin just stands there. He is glad when Guinevere finally takes charge.
“You go along, Merlin. I’ll be there soon I just need to gather some things.”
Merlin gives Guinevere a comforting look before he departs.
“So it seems like there is a lot happening in the castle…” Guinevere finally breaks the silence. Gwen watches to see Lancelot’s reaction and sees the guilt in his eyes.
“I was only trying to protect you.” Lancelot tries to explain.
Gwen hears in his voice how much he still cares for her (though she can clearly see that all isn’t well between them). But Gwen cannot stop feeling guilty and ashamed. For when she first met Lancelot she admired the way Lancelot would go to any lengths to protect her and keep her out of harm’s way. But seeing the look of total irritation and frustration on Guinevere’s face, she knows that she is sick of being kept in the dark, of being treated like damsel in distress always in need of protection.
“So you were trying to protect me by keeping me completely in the dark about important issues concerning the people I care about?” Guinevere retorts angrily.
Lancelot doesn’t say anything. He just looks angrily at Guinevere and Gwen can tell it is because of Arthur. The person whose name Guinevere did not speak, but they both know is the other reason that Guinevere is so angry.
“When you asked me to marry you, you promised that you would always be honest with me. I know things have not always been easy between us, but I thought that you would at least still be truthful with me.” Guinevere admits and Gwen can see the hurt in her eyes.
Maybe Guinevere married Lancelot because of other factors, but Gwen knows in her heart that she cares for Lancelot deeply. He has always been a true and honest friend to her.
Lancelot then bites back “Like you have been honest with me.”
Gwen is stunned. She’s never seen such anger in Lancelot’s voice, or heard him speak with such resentment.
So she looks over to her future self to see how she has taken his assault. And she can tell that she is conflicted between two emotions: guilt and bitterness. For they both know that Guinevere loves Arthur completely, and that she always will. No matter how much Gwen cares for Lancelot and tries to make her marriage work, this is the truth.
Lancelot and Guinevere just stare at each other, both angry about their situation but unable speak the truth out loud. Gwen finds all the tension heartbreaking that she does not want to watch it anymore.
But she does need to worry anymore because Guinevere finishes tying up the tie on her cloak and says quietly, “I have to go and tend to Arthur.”
Then Gwen storms out of the house, leaving a stoic looking Lancelot behind.
Igraine watches the guilt wash over Gwen’s face and the heaviness in her shoulders. So she does what she knows best and places a hand on her shoulder.
*
Gwen can feel a rush of cold air brushing across her skin, making the hair on her arms stick up on their ends. Her vision once again becomes blurred by all the whooshing and swirling.
She opens her eyes and she is now standing in Arthur’s chambers.
An older looking Arthur is lying in his bed. His eyes are open, watching as Guinevere rings out a damp cloth and places it over wound on his abdomen. Gwen finds herself unable to stop looking at Arthur. She is amazed that while he is older, he is still the handsome and strong warrior he was when he was younger.
Arthur groans a little when the cloth touches the wound. Guinevere pulls the cloth away.
“Sorry…” Guinevere apologizes then puts the cloth gently over the bleeding wound again and places her hand over it.
There is silence. The air is filled with so much awkwardness and tension that both Guinevere and Arthur don’t know what to do or say. Gwen watches as her future self concentrates hard on maintaining pressure on Arthur’s wound. While Arthur struggles to look at anything in the room, anything that isn’t Guinevere.
After a few more moments, the cloth is completely soaked in Arthur’s blood so Guinevere removes the cloth from the wound and places it into the basin. In the corner of her eyes, she can see Arthur is looking at her, considering her like she is the most beautiful creature in the whole universe. The next thing she knows, she knocks over the basin and spills water all over the floor.
Guinevere hurriedly goes to fetch a cloth and wipe up the mess she’s made.
“I’m so sorry…”
“Don’t worry, Gwen.” Arthur tries to calm her down, but it doesn’t work. Gwen still looks frazzled as she frantically cleans up the mess she made.
Finally Guinevere manages to clean up the mess and places another clean cloth gently over the wound. Arthur sighs, and Gwen can tell that he is revelling in Guinevere’s touch, though he shouldn’t. She sees him look into Guinevere deeply in her eyes, notices how his face changes when he sees the unhappiness in Guinevere eyes, suggesting that all is not well with her.
Gwen can tell that Arthur is about to ask her what is wrong. She knows that he cannot help it, he has to know. “What’s wrong?”
“Shouldn’t I be the one asking you that seeing as you are the one injured?” Guinevere retorts in hopes of changing the subject.
Arthur, however, won’t have any of it. “Don’t change the subject, Guinevere!”
Gwen’s heart flutters when he says her name the way that only Arthur can. It makes her heart soar like it hasn’t in a while. Then it quickly descends when she remembers her situation.
Guinevere tries to pull her hand away. However, Arthur having sensed her uneasiness, places his other hand (the one that isn’t in a sling ) over her hand and gives it a little squeeze, “I can tell that all is not right with you, so you might as well tell me what it is?”
“Well… I guess it’s everything. First I find out that my husband is keeping secrets from me. Then Merlin comes to me in the middle of the night to tell me that you have been injured because there is a spy in Camelot trying to kill you.”
Arthur’s thumb starts rubbing small circles on Guinevere’s palm and Gwen can see how all the uneasiness and anger leaves her future self’s face. That she feels so calm, safe and she can finally open up and tell someone all of her doubts, worries and fears.
“I thought Lancelot would have told you,” Arthur begins to say, “Otherwise I would have told you myself.” Gwen senses that he is a little pleased that after all this time, the years and the pain that there Guinevere is confiding in him.
“No he didn’t and you know what the surprising thing is. I wasn’t all too surprised by it. Lately things between Lancelot and me have been,” Guinevere pauses as she struggles to find the words to say what she has known for a long while now but too afraid to admit, “Not that great between us. It’s like somehow by marrying Lancelot, it’s changed us. We are not the people we use to be. He’s so secretive now; he’s not the Lancelot I first met. We have both tried hard to make it work, but it feels like we have given up trying. And me… well I find myself wondering whether I made the right decisions…” Guinevere looks at Arthur and can feel her heart beating hard in her chest.
“Decisions…” Arthur looks hopeful, Gwen can tell by Guinevere’s comments, like he knows that Guinevere is referring to them and their situation. To Guinevere deciding to marry Lancelot and give up on any hopes of marrying Arthur and becoming Queen.
Gwen can sense that Guinevere is having trouble containing control. She sees Guinevere lick her lips and meet Arthur’s gaze intently. She looks as though she might kiss him and she sees herself begin to lean in. Arthur can see her leaning in too, so he begins to lean into her too.
But then she stops. She pulls her hand away, along with the cloth and walks over to the basin.
Gwen knows that her future self struggled hard to not kiss him passionately.
“Wait, Gwen…” Arthur begins to say, but Guinevere quickly interrupts him, “I need to get some stitches from Merlin.”
“Guinevere…” Arthur knows her weakness, knows that it makes her heart flutter uncontrollably when he calls her by her first name. Gwen can feel her own heart fluttering too.
“I can’t do this.” Guinevere finally declares.
“Do what?”
Guinevere can see that Arthur won’t let it go, even though he should. Because it would be wrong, it would be a betrayal to Lancelot for them to admit the truth, to give in to their feelings. It would be selfish, but she can sense that Arthur is beginning to not care anymore. It’s one of the many reasons Guinevere stopped going to the castle because whenever they were with each other she would look into his eyes, his beautiful, lovely, blue eyes and want to kiss him.
Gwen looks at the lines beginning to form on his face and thinks that the past several years must have been torture for him, watching her marry one of his best friends and seeing them together. She imagines that he accepted her decision though it was hard for him because he loved her so much.
“I can not be here…” Guinevere tries to walk away, however Arthur grabs her wrist and turns her back towards him.
“Why can’t you be here?” Gwen can hear the intensity in Arthur’s voice; can see the desperation in his eyes for her to finally admit the truth.
“I can not be here because if I stay here any moment longer it will end up like it always does. I will say things that should not be said. I will find myself close to doing things I shouldn’t. I will admit to things…” Guinevere stops, as she tries to stop her inner most feelings concerning Arthur that she had tried to keep hidden from everyone from resurfacing again.
Arthur looks deeply in her eyes, “Admit to what?”
Guinevere can’t hold it in any longer. “Admit that I made a mistake in marrying Lancelot” she finally declares. Like she’s had it on the tip of her tongue for a long while, but was too ashamed to admit it - the truth. That she was too scared and afraid to follow her heart and believe that she would make an excellent Queen
Gwen looks at Arthur’s face and can see that all he can think about now is kissing her - the love of his life, the keeper of his heart. However, before he has the chance to respond to her statement and quite possibly act upon his impulse to kiss her, Guinevere storms out of his chambers.
*
Gwen only manages to comprehend what has just happened between her future self and Arthur when she feels another gust of wind enveloping her once again. This time, however, she doesn’t feel sick as much as the other two times. Instead, she closes her eyes and waits for the spinning and whooshing to stop.
Once it does, she opens her eyes. She is outside in the training field. Its summer, she can tell as the sun is shining brightly, the grass is green and she can feel the heat of the sun on her skin. She sighs a little in relief to be out in the sun after a long, extremely cold winter.
Gwen hears loud stomps coming from the path. Gwen turns a little and sees that it is Arthur. Her heart jumps at the sight of Arthur walking like he has a huge burden weighing heavily on his shoulders. His face is solemn and there are bags underneath his eyes. He obviously hasn’t been sleeping well, Gwen thinks. Gwen’s heart starts to tighten in her chest to see Arthur like this. He’s not the Arthur that Gwen knows. Not the man that managed to capture not only her heart but her soul too.
Arthur matches up to the training mannequin, picks up his sword and starts beating it with such torment and anger it breaks Gwen’s heart to see him in such pain. She would die a thousand deaths or be tortured in a thousand different ways, if he meant that Arthur never experience or felt such pain.
Then she can hear someone’s voice - its Merlin’s.
Gwen does not hear him arrive as she was too busy focusing on Arthur. It gladdens her heart a little to see Merlin there, like he always has been and by the looks of it, he always will be. She knows that while Arthur doesn’t like to admit it out loud, but he has rather come to depend upon Merlin and considers him to be one of his closest and best friends.
“The council are waiting for you,” Merlin shouts a little as the clanging of Arthur’s sword is ever so loud that Gwen wonders if Arthur heard him.
Silence.
Clang, clang, clang….
Afraid, Merlin steps back a little. Yet Gwen can see the worriedness in his eyes.
Merlin tries again. “They are waiting for your decision on Lord Rowan’s proposal…”
Still Arthur does not say anything.
Instead he begins beating the mannequin much harder and with so much force as before that Gwen can tell that Merlin is a little frightened, afraid of what Arthur will do next.
Gwen cannot bear to see Arthur this way; she wants to run up to him, hold him close and never let him go. She knows that she can not do that as he can’t see her, much less feel her warm and soothing touch but still she feels a great urge and need to do so.
So she gives in to her urge and reaches up to almost touch his face. It shocks her to find that he is like a shadow of the future. Then she notices that Arthur has turned to face her like he can sense that something is there, like she is there. And her heart falters.
Arthur stares a little longer, then continues beating the mannequin with as much force as before.
It’s not long till Arthur’s red tunic is a little see-through. From the sweat, Gwen thinks as she watches the sweat pour down his face. Gwen has a feeling that while some of his tears are sweat, in truth some of the glistening drops of liquid falling down his checks are actual tears because in his heart he is crying.
For the first time ever, Merlin looks lost, like he doesn’t know what to do, or say. But that doesn’t stop him from trying to reach and save Arthur from drowning in the deepest ocean of despair.
“Arthur, I know that things have not turned out the way you wanted them to, the way you hoped they would with Gwen marrying Lancelot a few years ago…” Merlin pauses, he doesn’t want to say the next bit. But he has to for Arthur has a duty to Camelot. “But you have to give the council your decision about Lord’s Rowans proposal…”
“To marry his daughter to secure a strong alliance between our lands,” Arthur completes Merlin’s sentence.
He stops, turns to face Merlin, “I know that I must do it in order to save Camelot from Morgana and Morguse’s forces but…” Arthur stops as he can no longer control the despair and pain in his heart. He can no longer control the tears forming in his eyes, “I can not marry someone I do not love…”
Gwen feels a great pang in her chest to know that Arthur’s words are true and honest. She can see that he made a huge sacrifice in letting her go. He’s not the same without her. Sure, his main priority is Camelot and it will always be so. But seeing Arthur feeling so helpless, filled with misery at not being able to make the best decision to help protect Camelot, she starts to wonder if things would have been different if she had married him and taken her place beside him on the throne - if they would have been better.
“I know you can not, but Gwen is married to Lancelot now. She has made her choice, now you need to make yours too” Merlin tries to point out delicately. Gwen can tell that Merlin hates pointing this out, hates reminding Arthur that he cannot be with the woman he loves.
“I know!” Arthur cries, dropping his sword like it weighs a ton and he cannot hold it anymore. He cannot be the strong King of Camelot anymore, and then he falls onto his knees and sobs.
Gwen turns towards Igraine, tears falling down her checks “I can’t bear to watch anymore.”
Then everything fades….
*
Gwen is in pain, so much pain. Watching Arthur hurt so much because he couldn’t be with her, left her feeling forlorn, sad. Yet underneath it all, Gwen still feels uncertain.
After seeing the future Gwen realises that marrying Lancelot would quite possibly be not the best decision. It does not stop Gwen, however, from feeling a little bit of doubt in her heart, not only because Gwen’s heart will always belong to Arthur. She couldn’t do it, she couldn’t cause such hurt and pain to herself, to Lancelot, but most of all, Arthur.
And while she loves Arthur with all her heart, she still cannot help but feel that marrying Arthur still might not be the right decision either.
Sensing Gwen’s sadness, Igraine places her hand upon Gwen’s shoulder, “What is the matter, Gwen?” There is a catch in Igraine’s voice and the hand upon Gwen’s shoulder is shaking. Gwen turns to face Igraine and there is a deep sadness in her eyes.
The look on Gwen’s face, Igraine can tell that Gwen loves Arthur and seeing Arthur in such torment over her broke her heart. Yet there is still a little doubt in Gwen’s eyes.
“Though it pained me so much to see the hurt and heartache Arthur would suffer without me by his side, I still wonder whether Arthur has made a mistake in choosing me to be his Queen. I worry that I will fail him and Camelot…” Gwen stops.
Though she has always had these little doubts, she has never told anyone of them. For so many years, she was used to being the strong person that everyone else could depend upon, but somehow being here with Arthur’s mother made her feel so safe in expressing them. If only the late Queen hadn’t died then Arthur would have had a very loving, caring and supportive mother, Gwen thinks. Instead he was left with a father who felt so much grief and despair that he waged a twenty year war on magic.
Igraine places her hand over Gwen’s. At first it scares her as she can feel something cold, yet not quite there touching her. But after a few seconds, Gwen starts to feel a real sense of calmness and stillness that makes the idea of a ghost touching her not so odd.
“I know that you’re afraid of failing Arthur and Camelot. Believe me Gwen; I’ve been in your position. But maybe you should think carefully before marrying Lancelot.”
Gwen nods her head and replies a little woefully “But even if I don’t marry Lancelot, it doesn’t mean that I can marry Arthur and be a worthy Queen.”
Igraine looks at the expression on Gwen’s face, the uncertainty in her eyes, though Gwen tries to hide it. Gwen looks back at Igraine and sees a determined look in her eye, making her wonder what Igraine is thinking.
But before Gwen can ask, she suddenly tugs Gwen by the arm and forces her to stand up.
“Well I think I can do something to change that.”
*
Gwen opens her eyes.
She finds herself standing in the great hall with Igraine. There are countless rows of people, noble people and peasants, both dressed in their best attire. Looking a few rows down, she spots Merlin and Gaius standing in the front row; Merlin has the biggest smile plastered all over his face. Gaius, on the other hand, well looked like Gaius, though Gwen swore she could see a glimmer of a smile on his face.
Wondering what on earth was making Merlin and everyone else displaying such looks of awe and happiness, Gwen followed where everyone was looking.
She gasps, half in shock, half in awe.
There, right in front of her, is her in the most beautiful gown she has ever laid her eyes upon. It’s so beautiful and elegant that for a minute Gwen can’t help but think that it cannot possibly be her. It’s a deep, rich purple gown made of such fine silk that when the sun shines upon it you can see many other colours reflected in it, with a gold corset. Gwen cannot help but think that her future self looks rather regal.
Finally Gwen watches as her future self makes her final steps and there in front of her is Arthur. He is wearing his royal cloak and armour and Gwen cannot help but be proud to see the crown that is sitting upon his head.
Arthur motions for the crown holder to come forward. There on the pillow, Gwen sees the most beautiful crown she has ever seen. Gwen feels goosebumps appear on her skin and she cannot believe her eyes.
“By the sacred laws vested in me, I pronounce you Guinevere, Queen of Camelot.” Arthur then places the crown upon Guinevere’s head, offers her his hand, which she accepts then they rise, stand up and sit upon their thrones.
Gwen watches as Guinevere and Arthur look at their audience and then each other. The smiles on their faces, Gwen can clearly see how much joy it is for this moment to have arrived. The day they prayed and silently wished would happen when they could be together.
Gwen cannot help but smile at the scene. It’s like for a moment all her doubts have flown away, just by seeing the joy on Arthur, Guinevere and Merlin’s faces because their dream have come true.
Suddenly the scene shifts and changes.
*
Now Gwen and Igraine are standing in the lower towns. Though her eyes are shut Gwen can tell that they are in the lower towns from the fresh scent of bread from the baker’s stall she use to buy from across the lane from her house. Gwen opens her eyes and sure enough she can see all the villagers setting up their stalls for the day to sell their products and produce.
Gwen always loved living in this part of Camelot. Though, most people were poor and barely had much to live on, it always felt like home to her. She supposes it had to do with the real sense of community she always felt there, people were always willing to help each other out. She remembers the many days after her father passed away, her fellow neighbours were constantly coming over her house, offering her food and company, giving her the will to carry on.
Suddenly, she hears someone skipping a little far behind her. A little girl, Gwen thinks.
“Elenora, honey, slow down, you’re going a bit fast,” a mother says.
Not believing her ears, Gwen turns around and there, in front of her is a future version of herself holding onto a little girl’s hand, who couldn’t be more than four or five years old. She has bright blue sparkling eyes and blondish, brown curly hair with a white ribbon tied around it.
She looks very much like Arthur, Gwen thinks and then she smiles. Watching her reaction,
Igraine smiles too.
“Is that our daughter?” Gwen finds herself asking, though she knows the answer to her question, but for some reason she wants confirmation.
“Yes.”
Then they watch as Guinevere and little Elenora, who is carrying a basket filled with different baked goods, fruit and vegetables, knocks on one of the tiny little cottages along the lane.
After a few knocks, someone opens the door and Gwen instantly recognises that it is Alice, one of her former neighbours.
Surprised and a little startled by their presence, Alice blurts out “What are you doing here Gw- I mean Your Highness?” Then remembering that it is the Queen, she quickly curtsies to Guinevere and Elenora.
“Please Alice, there is no need to curtsy,” Gwen motions for Alice to stand up again. “My daughter and I are here to see how you are coping after Nigel’s death and to give her some food for your family.”
At which point Elenora decides that this is the moment to offer the basket to Alice. “Here” Elenora says. Alice smiles at the little girl and Elenora smiles back before she spots a little girl hiding behind Alice.
“Hello, my name is Elenora, but most people call me Elle,” Elenora says to the little girl before offering a little doll to her. The little girl, touched and a tad surprised, moves slightly away from Alice to take the doll.
“I’m Anna,” the little girl mutters nervously. Alice then offers for Guinevere and Elenora to come inside. Igraine then gives Gwen a little encouraging nod as if to say that she should follow them inside Alice’s home.
Fifteen minutes later…Guinevere and Elenora finally emerge from Alice’s houses and walk back to the castle. From what Gwen gathered from listening to the conversation, quite a number of people died from some strange illness that luckily the court physician was able to cure. Unfortunately, for a number of poor people living in the lower towns they died before the cure was discovered and they could be cured.
Gwen doesn’t feel as uncertain anymore. It’s as if watching the way her future self interacts with the people, offering them comfort and support, made her realise that maybe she could be Queen. Maybe she was wrong. After all, being a good Queen is all about caring for your people and helping them whenever they need it.
Then Gwen feels the all familiar whooshing and swirling and the next moment she finds herself in what Gwen assumes is Elenora’s chambers.
Gwen watches as Arthur and Guinevere tuck their daughter into her bed and kiss her goodnight. It fills her with so much joy and delight that it’s all-consuming.
Then they follow Arthur and Guinevere as they walk hand in hand the short distance to their chambers.
When they reach their chambers, Gwen looks at Arthur and Guinevere and gasps. She cannot help it for they are no longer young but older, much older and she realises that they have flash forward she guesses twenty five years later. It’s a shock to begin with; however Gwen relaxes a little at seeing herself looking older because she knows that she is not alone. She’s married to Arthur and that’s all that matters.
Guinevere is sitting at her vanity, removing a silver dragonfly clip from her hair, while Arthur watches her hesitantly and Gwen can tell that he has something to say, but doesn’t quite know how to say it.
Finally Guinevere finishes brushing her long curls with her brush, turns around and finds Arthur staring at her with a hesitant, yet conflicted look on his brow.
“What is it Arthur? You look like you have something on your mind that you wish to tell me but you’re afraid to.”
“What? No…” Arthur stumbles, and then he laughs “Oh alright how did you know?”
Guinevere walks over to their bed, sits next to Arthur “Arthur, we’ve been married for twenty five years I know your expressions too well.” Guinevere giggles, and then her face sobers, “Now what is it?”
“I overheard some of the older Privy Council members talking earlier…” Arthur pauses and Gwen can tell that he’s trying to find some delicate words to explain what happened.
“What are they saying now?” Guinevere asks encouragingly in hope that it will finally get him to spit out whatever he needs to tell her.
“It’s about Elenora. They seem to have issues with how politically sharp minded she is and that she likes to speak her mind. And they are particularly not comfortable with the fact that she is has a strong, natural ability with a sword and has expressed a little interest in helping command the army. ”
“Oh and I wonder who she gets that from.” Guinevere teases, causing to Arthur cough and then respond “Hey she gets the politically sharp mindedness and the other thing from you!”
Guinevere hits him on the arm making them both of them laugh, then Guinevere’s face turns serious and she asks “Did they say anything else?”
“Umm… they may have mentioned that they had hoped that we would have had some sons as heirs…” Arthur stops, and then places his hand over Guinevere’s hand - like he can sense her inner turmoil.
She’s annoyed, Gwen thinks. Not only because it was probably seen as a failure that she was unable to provide Arthur with male heirs, but because she disagrees with the notion that women cannot be as good as men as rulers. And Gwen can not help but agree with her future self.
“Well…”Guinevere finally speaks, “I do wish sometimes that we had been able to fulfil the Privy Council’s and Camelot’s desire for a son, but I’m so grateful for Elenora. She’s really quite magnificent and honourable. She’s kind, considerate and intelligent. She would make a great Queen one day, I know she will. I know that no woman has ever inherited the crown before but that does not mean that it could not happen in the future.”
Gwen watches the proud look that emerges on Arthur’s face. He’s completely amazed by her inner strength and wisdom once again.
“You’re quite right, as always, Guinevere. I’m just not sure how we should proceed. If we should say anything or do anything…” Arthur pauses and Gwen can tell that even now after being King for a long time that he is still has moments when he feels uncertain.
Guinevere places her other hand over Arthur’s and rubs it gently. “Honestly, I think we should tread carefully, as we don’t want to cause anymore conflict within the Council. Maybe we should speak to Elenora about not being so outspoken with her opinions, tell her to try and be more understanding of their point of views. Hopefully they will get use to her presence. Then you can try and introduce a law saying that females can rule as Queen.”
Arthur nods his head, then places his arms around Guinevere and presses his lips to her forehead “How did I get so lucky in having a smart and beautiful Queen?”
Guinevere laughs, “Because you stopped being so pig-headed and managed to make a noble maidservant fall in love with you!” Then Guinevere presses her lips towards Arthur’s waiting mouth.
*
Gwen watches as the scene disappears and wonders what she will be shown next.
However, once all the whooshing and swishing dies down, Gwen finally opens her eyes and is relieved to see Igraine and herself have returned back to the traitor’s graveyard.
Noticing the positive change in Gwen’s mood and attitude, Igraine finally speaks up to break the silence, “All queens at the beginning worry that they won’t live up to the expectations that ruling a country requires. I remember the first few years after being crown Queen I would constantly be stressing about whether the people thought I was living up to their expectations. After a while, I began to realise that the more I stopped worrying about what people thought, and the more I did for the people. The easier it became…”
Gwen smiles at Igraine and for the first time she believes that anything is possible. After watching all the possible futures, Gwen had an epiphany. She saw how much power fear had over her. Her fear in not being able to be a great Queen lead to her disregarding her own heart and being miserable because of it. It made her realise that sometimes you need to fight for what you truly want even if there are many obstacles in the way because the outcome would be worth it.
A few more seconds of silence and finally Gwen speaks, “I still feel slightly nervous at the prospect of marrying Arthur and becoming Queen. But after everything that I saw I know now that I can overcome my fears and follow my heart. I can be the Queen that Camelot deserves, though at times it will be hard. I know we can overcome anything as long as we are together.”
Igraine can not help but smile back at Gwen, “I’m just glad that you are starting to believe that.”
Gwen places her hand over Igraine’s, “I want to say thank you. For everything you have done. It means so much to me…” Gwen pauses as her face saddens and she thinks If only Arthur was here and could meet her.
Seeing the genuine look on Gwen’s face of thankfulness, Igraine can not help what she does next. She pulls Gwen into a hug.
It feels a little weird for Gwen, to be hugged by a ghost. But after a few seconds she gets use to the sensation and starts to embrace Igraine as well. She’s glad that she’s had these moments with Igraine.
“You’re welcome.”
*
Igraine disappears a few minutes later after they both say their goodbyes. Gwen can not help but feel glad that Igraine appeared to her tonight.
I can’t believe I just saw Arthur’s mother, Gwen thinks when her thoughts get interrupted when she hears some twigs snap behind her.
Turning her head behind her, she sees Arthur standing slightly behind a tree with an apprehensive look on his face.
“Arthur…. Did you follow me?” Gwen doesn’t know whether to be relieved, surprised or shocked. She wonders whether he saw anything, if he saw his mother’s ghost.
Arthur steps away from the tree, like he’s been caught, “Umm yes… I was worried after our disagreement and followed you to out of the castle to make sure that you were alright…” Arthur pauses as he tries to read the expression on Gwen’s face.
Gwen walks closer to him. Then she takes his hands and places it in her own. “I’m so sorry about what happened before…” Gwen starts to say, when Arthur interrupts, “No, I’m sorry I should have been more understanding of how hard it must be for you.”
Gwen cannot help but place one of her hands on his face to stroke him, “I know you’re sorry, but it is me who should be apologizing…” Arthur is about to speak when Gwen places a finger to his mouth to stop him. Then she continues, “I shouldn’t have gotten angry with you. Yes, I was angry with what those ladies were saying, but what you said was right. I should not be ashamed of who I am. Of what I might become in the future…”
Then Gwen places her other hand on his face, pulls him down and kisses him.
And she doesn’t stop even when the sun starts to rise, signalling a new day. She just wants to stay here, in Arthur’s embrace, feeling his lips moving upon hers. She realises that whatever happens in the future, she will not be afraid. For she is not alone, she’s got what she’s always had. Hope.
THE END
~*~
End note: I'm quickly posting this before I get on the plane and fly across the pond! This means that I won't respond as quickly as usual to any comments as I will be very busy enjoying myself ♥! I will try my best though!
Author: ella_rose88
Rating: PG
Word count: 9,401
Characters/Pairings: Gwen, Igraine, Arthur, Lancelot, Merlin, Arthur/Gwen and Gwen/Lancelot.
Spoilers/Warnings: Some slight character spoilers for series 4 (though no names are mentioned).
Disclaimer: I don’t own Merlin. If I did things would be different just a tad. There would be many A/G centred episodes and Gwen would be given a sword and go on adventures to rescue the boys (LOL which might give me an idea for another fic)!
Summary: Gwen gets visited by a ghost who shows her the future.
Author’s notes: Set after the events of series 3. This was written for the reel-merlin Challenge. For the challenge I chose to base my fic on the film It’s a Wonderful Life. Although, it was also inspired by the One Tree Hill episode, Songs to Love and Die By. The name of the fic was inspired by the Doctor Who episode Amy’s choice.
Many thanks to sophielou21 & rubber-glue for helping me by listening to my constant rants when I was having trouble with my muse, giving me advice and reading my many drafts. Love you guys ♥!
A special thanks must go to rainbow-connec for bribing me to sign up to this challenge by giving me some *puppydogeyes* and for beta'ing it for me ♥!
Comments and feedback are always ♥ and appreciated!
****
Gwen is annoyed.
Arthur could always tell when Gwen was annoyed and tonight is no exception.
They are attending the Feast to celebrate the birthday of Arthur’s uncle. Everything appears to be going all according to plan, until the noble ladies start their usual ritual of gossiping.
Gwen is making her way to Sir Leon to enquire how his expecting wife is feeling, when she overhears some of their conversation.
“Why on earth is the Prince’s mistress attending this feast? A mistress’s place is in bed, not in public where people can see her.” Lady Beatrice says, looking quite outraged. Her companion Lady Isabel replies, “Well obviously she must have been a good roll in the hay if the prince is determined to have her attend the feast.”
Arthur is pleasantly occupied talking to Gwaine and Leon when he overhears some of the conversation. Ignoring his first instinct to go over and put the ladies in their place, Arthur concentrates on Gwen. She looks like she wants to put the noble ladies in their place too, but instead she continues listening to the ladies ‘conversation’ like it’s not her place to defend herself.
Sensing that Gwen is not alright, Arthur politely excuses himself from Gwaine and Leon and starts to make his way over to Gwen to see if she is alright. But it is too late as Gwen discreetly made her way to the exit, picking up an empty plate on her way out.
Arthur immediately follows her and later finds himself in the palace kitchens. Although, Arthur managed to secure Gwen a position of being Gaius’s assistant after Morgana fled, there were many times when he found her carrying out her former maid duties. Whenever he asked her about why she was cleaning or helping the cook when she did not need to, she would always sigh and say (sounding slightly annoyed, Arthur might add) “I know I’m not a lady’s maid anymore, but I’m not ashamed of doing some work.” Arthur learnt that whenever Gwen did this he needed to tread carefully.
He manages to find Gwen. She is standing in front of a bucket with her pale blue velvet sleeves rolled up to her elbows, slightly hunched over, furiously scrubbing at some pots and pans.
“You know if you scrub too hard there won’t be any pots or pans left,” Arthur jokes to try and lighten the tension in the air. He regrets saying it when all he hears in response is a grunt.
“You okay?” he tries again, hoping this time that Gwen will say something and open up to him.
“Fine, I’m fine. What makes you think I’m not fine?” Arthur walks a little closer to her.
“Because you suddenly walked out of the hall and now you are furiously scrubbing pots and pans?”
“Well Gladys was tired and I offered to help her out.” Arthur then grabs the cloth from Gwen’s hands, places it on the table before he places he hands on her shoulders and turns her towards him.
“Now I know that you’re lying. I overheard some of the ladies’ conversation…”
Arthur is about to continue when Gwen cuts him off. “It’s okay, Arthur. I don’t expect them to accept me after all I’m only a servant to them.”
“Well obviously it’s not okay because you keep running off and taking your anger out on the poor pots and pans,” Gwen giggles a little at this, “Now there’s the smile I know and love.”
Arthur goes to offer his arm to her. “Now Milady, I believe we have a feast to attend.” Instead of taking his arm, however Gwen picks up the cloth on the table and starts scrubbing the half-finished pan.
“Guinevere…”
Gwen cuts him off again, “I have to finish this Arthur. I’ll meet you a little later.”
“Gwen, I know that what those ladies said was disgraceful and cruel, but you can’t let it get to you.”
Gwen sighs, “I know it’s just I find it hard standing up to them when I will always be a servant in their eyes.”
“There’s no shame in having been a servant, Gwen. You just need to hold yourself above it. Don’t let them get to you. You’re nobler than the rest of them put together.” Arthur then pauses, looks down at her slightly dirtied sleeves then continues, “Though you might look slightly dirtier…” Arthur giggles, and then stops when he notices that Gwen is not laughing. Once again he has said the wrong thing.
“What’s that supposed to mean? Huh… I should be more like the other ‘noble’ ladies, more concerned with dresses, curtains and finding a husband than helping others who need it. ”
“You know that is not what I meant.” Arthur points out, “It’s just that running away from the feast to clean pots and pans isn’t going to change your image in their eyes.”
Arthur hopes that this will calm Gwen down a little and make her see reason. Instead it has the opposite effect.
“I can’t do this anymore” Arthur hears Gwen say, before she dumps the pot she was scrubbing into the bucket, picks up her skirts, gives him a “don’t you dare follow me” look then walks out of the kitchens.
*
Gwen is running.
Gwen loves Arthur and Camelot more than any words could say, but there were times where she feels suffocated by the pressure of helping Arthur run Camelot while his father still remains bed ridden after Morgana’s betrayal. Not only that, but Gwen knows that the nobles didn’t approve of her and the ‘commoner’ Knights’ elevation in rank. She had heard the many taunts and remarks that the noble ladies have made when they thought she couldn’t hear them. Some of them she dared not repeat or tell Arthur because they would turn your insides out. While she tries to put up a front that it did not bother her, a part of her feels that many of them were right. That she won’t make a good Queen, after all Queens were noble women, not servants. They had years of training of how to make a perfect wife and Queen, while she grew up learning how to make swords, cook and clean.
Finally Gwen reaches her destination.
It is very cold and frosty in the traitors graveyard and Gwen is glad that she had taken her new pale blue velvet cape with her. She was still getting use to her new gowns that Arthur insisted that she start wearing ever since she moved into the castle. She gently bends down and places the flowers she has in her hand in front of the grave stone.
“Sorry Father that I haven’t been here in a while. I’ve just been busy…” Gwen pauses as tears start to build up in her eyes. She really misses her father at moments like this when she needs someone to confide to. Yes, she had Merlin, Elyan, Gwaine and the other knights not to mention Arthur to confide to. But sometimes she misses her father’s wise words, the way he managed to soothe and comfort her like no one else could.
Gwen takes a deep breath to compose herself, wipes the tiny teardrops on her cheeks and begins to talk. Just as she starts to open her mouth, the bell starts toiling away signalling that it is midnight. Then she hears rustling of the trees coming from behind her.
Thinking that it is Arthur coming to check up on her and no doubt try and discuss what happened before, Gwen turns her head around to tell him to leave her alone.
However, the person standing before isn’t Arthur. Rather it is a woman in an exquisite white ball gown with tiny silver diamonds that twinkle in the moonlight. The woman has bright blue eyes and long, blonde hair and Gwen thinks that she is rather beautiful. Then she notices that the woman face is icy cold and blue and that the hem of her gown is torn. She starts to feel slightly eerie the more she looks at the strange woman for she has a strong bright light radiating from her face and body.
It makes her wonder whether she’s lost her senses because this woman looks like an angel or a ghost rather than a human being.
The woman then begins to hover towards her and Gwen cannot help but shout out, “Who are you?”
The woman looks Gwen in the eyes and says quite mysteriously, “You know who I am.”
Gwen doesn’t know what to think or say after the strange woman’s remark. Her first instinct is to run and fetch the guards for it is usual for a woman to be lurking around graveyards, scaring people. But Gwen can not move. It is as though she is paralysed and she has no idea why.
The woman continues to look at her, as if she is considering her and it slowly dawns on Gwen. Blue eyes, blonde hair and her demeanour, it reminds her of someone. Of a woman in a portrait in the castle that she has cleaned several times.
“Oh my god… It can’t be….” Gwen blurts out and the woman nods her head, leaving Gwen to mutter “You’re the queen.”
“Yes, I was the Queen.” The former Queen confirms, and then she starts slowly walking down the path, looking at each of the headstones solemnly.
Gwen can’t stop herself from asking, “What are you doing here, Your Highness?
“I come here every night to look at all gravestones of all the innocent people that have been killed… it surprises me how much it still fills me with such sadness and guilt whenever I see all the headstones.” Gwen can see small tears forming in her eyes as she pauses but she bushes them away before turning her head to Gwen and asking, “What brings you down here at this time of night, Gwen?”
“How did you know my name?” Gwen blurts out, shocked that the once Queen of Camelot and wife to Uther Pendragon would know her name. Especially since she died a year before she was born.
“From time to time I like to check on Arthur to see how he is going, if he’s alright. When you die there is nothing much else for you to do but watch and make sure that your loved ones are safe and happy. You no longer have a life, so you find yourself living through others.” Then she looks Gwen up and down, as if considering her.
Gwen feels slightly uncomfortable at this, and then Igraine gives her a smile. “I’ve noticed that my son has formed a very strong attachment to you,” which eases her uneasiness somewhat.
But before Gwen can respond to Igraine’s remark, the former Queen asks her again, “So what brings you here, Gwen?”
Gwen is a little taken back, surprised that Igraine is interested in her that she can not help but answer. Though she has a feeling in the pit of her stomach that she is considering everything she says and does.
“I came to visit my father; it’s been a while since I have visited…” Gwen pauses as she realises that she’s talking to a ghost. Not just any ghost but Arthur’s mother and Uther’s wife.
“Yet that is not all that troubles you…” Igraine points out. It surprises Gwen how much Igraine reminds her of Arthur, the way in which they both can sense when something is troubling her.
“I guess you’re right. I came here tonight because I guess I needed some advice… guidance. My father was always good at that, even when I was a little girl.”
For a moment Gwen can’t believe that she said that. Igraine then gives her a little nod, signalling for Gwen to continue. Though it makes her feel a little more confortable to confide to someone she barely knows and is a ghost, she can not help but feel a little sceptical.
On the other hand, this whole thing could just be dream so why not? Gwen thinks.
“I’ve been having doubts lately about things….about whether I’m making the right decisions.” Once again Gwen stops. Though she has been having these doubts lately, she has never expressed these doubts to anyone, not even her brother and certainly not Arthur. She did not want to burden them.
“About Arthur?” Igraine asks.
“Yes…” Gwen can’t help but reply.
Before Gwen has a chance to say anything else, a full gust of wind starts to blow through the walkway, making all the fallen leaves and bits of twigs fly everywhere. Gwen has no choice but to close her eyes from the onslaught.
*
A few moments later, the whooshing of the wind finally die down and stop and Gwen slowly opens her eyes. Only she is not in the traitor’s graveyard anymore.
Rather she is standing outside her former home.
This must be a dream or I am going crazy, Gwen thinks.
Slowly she turns around and finds that Igraine is standing behind her.
“Hhhow did I get here?” Gwen asks Igraine shocked; though she has a feeling she knows the answer anyway.
“Magic.” Igraine simply says.
Before Gwen has the chance to ask her why she had been transported to outside her former home, she hears two voices coming from her house, a female and a male. Feeling intrigued to find out who the voices belong to, Gwen walks towards the window and looks through it.
Inside she sees an older version of herself and Lancelot sitting at the table. Is that really me? Gwen can’t help but think. There are two candlesticks, a vase filled with flowers, some plates and cutlery set out and a chicken on the table.
At first she is too confused and shocked to speak for the scene in front of reminds her of the time when Arthur stayed at her house and offered to ‘cook’ her dinner after they had a little disagreement. She remembers how much fun she had, one of the best nights of her life if she is honest.
Finally summoning the courage to speak, Gwen turns around to face Igraine, “What is this? Where have you taken me?”
“This Gwen is your future, or rather your possible future.” Igraine explains to her.
“What do you mean possible future?” Gwen’s head starts to spin a little. After all the events and happenings of the night she feels as though she cannot think anymore, much less understand anything that Igraine has said.
“There are many possible futures, destinies which depend upon the choices we make. Everything we decide affects where we end up, which path we go along - the future.”
Finally understanding what Igraine means, Gwen looks back towards the window and sees her future self and Lancelot still having dinner. Gwen watches has her future self tries to engage Lancelot into conversation by asking him how his day was and what other news is happening in the castle. Gwen is surprised to see how distant he has become; only giving short and boring answers. Not like the Lancelot she knew. She can see that her future self is getting a little exasperated by his sullen mood.
Once they finish their meal, Lancelot goes to offer to wash the dinner plates and dishes. However, Gwen pushes his hand away, but before she makes her way towards the kitchen bench, Lancelot grabs her wrist and places a kiss to her lips as if trying to make up for his behaviour. Gwen observes the forced smile on Guinevere’s face.
Before Gwen has time to fully register this, she manages to glimpse at her hand, and there on the left hand, on her finger is a ring. She looks towards Lancelot and spots that he has a ring on his finger too.
Shocked at what she’s just witnessed, she turns once again to Igraine, “Lancelot and I are married?” though it comes out more has a statement than a question.
“Yes,” Igraine responds and then she looks into Gwen’s face as if she is trying to gauge her reaction to her future self being married to Lancelot.
Gwen finds herself looking back at when she first met Lancelot, before any man noticed her. The way he made her a little nervous whenever he smiled. How he managed to make her blush whenever he called her a ‘lady’ and kissed her hand, like she was a Princess. There was a time when she would not have minded being married to Lancelot. After all he was a kind, loyal and loving man and he loved her. She also cared deeply for him and there were no obstacles in the way of them being together.
Then things changed. Her life changed. Lancelot left, and she began to see the many wonderful qualities of Arthur and then things happened. They ended up spending more time together and he listened to her and made her want to be herself, Guinevere, not just Gwen. She fell for him. She fell for a prince who she could never marry, could never be with.
Gwen starts to fidget with her hands. She feels a little hesitant to look through the window once again for she’s afraid that by doing so it would betray Arthur. A part of her, just a small part of her wants to know what her life would be like if she had chosen a different path, a different future.
Sensing her worry and uneasiness, Igraine gives her a little nod and Gwen finds the courage to look through the window.
Gwen hears footsteps coming behind her. Curious to find out who it is, Gwen turns around and it’s Merlin. Rather a future version of him. Gwen’s heart starts to falter a little bit; afraid that he might see her, instead he just walks straight past them to the door and knocks.
“So no one can see us then?” Igraine nods her head. Gwen can’t help but look at this future version of Merlin. He looks older, wiser and Gwen can’t help but notice that he has dropped the whole neck-scarf look which for some reason makes her giggle a little on the inside.
However the voices in her house manage to break Gwen out of her reverie.
“Gwen, I need you to come to the castle.” Gwen can tell that Merlin is very distressed and running on a ton of nerves.
“What is it, Merlin?” she can hear the worriedness in her future self’s voice and face.
“It’s Arthur. He’s been injured….” Merlin pauses as Guinevere’s face drops, so he quickly adds, “he’s alive, but I need someone to look after him. Someone we trust.”
“Of course, I’ll come” Guinevere scrambles to the back of the door and grabs her purple cloak from the hook. “What happened?”
“He got into a fight with Sir Hector because it turns out we were right. He was under an enchantment put on him by Morgana and Mordred.”
“What are you talking about, Merlin.” Guinevere has no idea what Merlin is talking about, Gwen can tell.
Guinevere then looks over to Lancelot to give her some kind of explanation, but his face is passive. Something about the way Lancelot is acting, makes Gwen think that all is not happy between them. Lancelot is being distant, not opening up to her like married couples normally do. Because being married isn’t only about being constant to one person, it’s also about sharing everything with each other - no matter what it is.
“Didn’t Lancelot tell you?” then it dawns on Merlin that by the looks on both Guinevere and Lancelot’s faces that he hadn’t informed Guinevere of the latest happenings in the castle. Ever since Guinevere and Lancelot got married, things were a little uncomfortable whenever Arthur, Guinevere and Lancelot were in the same room. As time went on, Guinevere gradually stopped going to the castle, only venturing there once in a while to visit Merlin. Sometimes if there was a ball the Knights needed to attend, Guinevere would accompany Lancelot as it was expected of a Knight’s wife.
Struggling with finding something to say to end the uncomfortable silence, Merlin just stands there. He is glad when Guinevere finally takes charge.
“You go along, Merlin. I’ll be there soon I just need to gather some things.”
Merlin gives Guinevere a comforting look before he departs.
“So it seems like there is a lot happening in the castle…” Guinevere finally breaks the silence. Gwen watches to see Lancelot’s reaction and sees the guilt in his eyes.
“I was only trying to protect you.” Lancelot tries to explain.
Gwen hears in his voice how much he still cares for her (though she can clearly see that all isn’t well between them). But Gwen cannot stop feeling guilty and ashamed. For when she first met Lancelot she admired the way Lancelot would go to any lengths to protect her and keep her out of harm’s way. But seeing the look of total irritation and frustration on Guinevere’s face, she knows that she is sick of being kept in the dark, of being treated like damsel in distress always in need of protection.
“So you were trying to protect me by keeping me completely in the dark about important issues concerning the people I care about?” Guinevere retorts angrily.
Lancelot doesn’t say anything. He just looks angrily at Guinevere and Gwen can tell it is because of Arthur. The person whose name Guinevere did not speak, but they both know is the other reason that Guinevere is so angry.
“When you asked me to marry you, you promised that you would always be honest with me. I know things have not always been easy between us, but I thought that you would at least still be truthful with me.” Guinevere admits and Gwen can see the hurt in her eyes.
Maybe Guinevere married Lancelot because of other factors, but Gwen knows in her heart that she cares for Lancelot deeply. He has always been a true and honest friend to her.
Lancelot then bites back “Like you have been honest with me.”
Gwen is stunned. She’s never seen such anger in Lancelot’s voice, or heard him speak with such resentment.
So she looks over to her future self to see how she has taken his assault. And she can tell that she is conflicted between two emotions: guilt and bitterness. For they both know that Guinevere loves Arthur completely, and that she always will. No matter how much Gwen cares for Lancelot and tries to make her marriage work, this is the truth.
Lancelot and Guinevere just stare at each other, both angry about their situation but unable speak the truth out loud. Gwen finds all the tension heartbreaking that she does not want to watch it anymore.
But she does need to worry anymore because Guinevere finishes tying up the tie on her cloak and says quietly, “I have to go and tend to Arthur.”
Then Gwen storms out of the house, leaving a stoic looking Lancelot behind.
Igraine watches the guilt wash over Gwen’s face and the heaviness in her shoulders. So she does what she knows best and places a hand on her shoulder.
*
Gwen can feel a rush of cold air brushing across her skin, making the hair on her arms stick up on their ends. Her vision once again becomes blurred by all the whooshing and swirling.
She opens her eyes and she is now standing in Arthur’s chambers.
An older looking Arthur is lying in his bed. His eyes are open, watching as Guinevere rings out a damp cloth and places it over wound on his abdomen. Gwen finds herself unable to stop looking at Arthur. She is amazed that while he is older, he is still the handsome and strong warrior he was when he was younger.
Arthur groans a little when the cloth touches the wound. Guinevere pulls the cloth away.
“Sorry…” Guinevere apologizes then puts the cloth gently over the bleeding wound again and places her hand over it.
There is silence. The air is filled with so much awkwardness and tension that both Guinevere and Arthur don’t know what to do or say. Gwen watches as her future self concentrates hard on maintaining pressure on Arthur’s wound. While Arthur struggles to look at anything in the room, anything that isn’t Guinevere.
After a few more moments, the cloth is completely soaked in Arthur’s blood so Guinevere removes the cloth from the wound and places it into the basin. In the corner of her eyes, she can see Arthur is looking at her, considering her like she is the most beautiful creature in the whole universe. The next thing she knows, she knocks over the basin and spills water all over the floor.
Guinevere hurriedly goes to fetch a cloth and wipe up the mess she’s made.
“I’m so sorry…”
“Don’t worry, Gwen.” Arthur tries to calm her down, but it doesn’t work. Gwen still looks frazzled as she frantically cleans up the mess she made.
Finally Guinevere manages to clean up the mess and places another clean cloth gently over the wound. Arthur sighs, and Gwen can tell that he is revelling in Guinevere’s touch, though he shouldn’t. She sees him look into Guinevere deeply in her eyes, notices how his face changes when he sees the unhappiness in Guinevere eyes, suggesting that all is not well with her.
Gwen can tell that Arthur is about to ask her what is wrong. She knows that he cannot help it, he has to know. “What’s wrong?”
“Shouldn’t I be the one asking you that seeing as you are the one injured?” Guinevere retorts in hopes of changing the subject.
Arthur, however, won’t have any of it. “Don’t change the subject, Guinevere!”
Gwen’s heart flutters when he says her name the way that only Arthur can. It makes her heart soar like it hasn’t in a while. Then it quickly descends when she remembers her situation.
Guinevere tries to pull her hand away. However, Arthur having sensed her uneasiness, places his other hand (the one that isn’t in a sling ) over her hand and gives it a little squeeze, “I can tell that all is not right with you, so you might as well tell me what it is?”
“Well… I guess it’s everything. First I find out that my husband is keeping secrets from me. Then Merlin comes to me in the middle of the night to tell me that you have been injured because there is a spy in Camelot trying to kill you.”
Arthur’s thumb starts rubbing small circles on Guinevere’s palm and Gwen can see how all the uneasiness and anger leaves her future self’s face. That she feels so calm, safe and she can finally open up and tell someone all of her doubts, worries and fears.
“I thought Lancelot would have told you,” Arthur begins to say, “Otherwise I would have told you myself.” Gwen senses that he is a little pleased that after all this time, the years and the pain that there Guinevere is confiding in him.
“No he didn’t and you know what the surprising thing is. I wasn’t all too surprised by it. Lately things between Lancelot and me have been,” Guinevere pauses as she struggles to find the words to say what she has known for a long while now but too afraid to admit, “Not that great between us. It’s like somehow by marrying Lancelot, it’s changed us. We are not the people we use to be. He’s so secretive now; he’s not the Lancelot I first met. We have both tried hard to make it work, but it feels like we have given up trying. And me… well I find myself wondering whether I made the right decisions…” Guinevere looks at Arthur and can feel her heart beating hard in her chest.
“Decisions…” Arthur looks hopeful, Gwen can tell by Guinevere’s comments, like he knows that Guinevere is referring to them and their situation. To Guinevere deciding to marry Lancelot and give up on any hopes of marrying Arthur and becoming Queen.
Gwen can sense that Guinevere is having trouble containing control. She sees Guinevere lick her lips and meet Arthur’s gaze intently. She looks as though she might kiss him and she sees herself begin to lean in. Arthur can see her leaning in too, so he begins to lean into her too.
But then she stops. She pulls her hand away, along with the cloth and walks over to the basin.
Gwen knows that her future self struggled hard to not kiss him passionately.
“Wait, Gwen…” Arthur begins to say, but Guinevere quickly interrupts him, “I need to get some stitches from Merlin.”
“Guinevere…” Arthur knows her weakness, knows that it makes her heart flutter uncontrollably when he calls her by her first name. Gwen can feel her own heart fluttering too.
“I can’t do this.” Guinevere finally declares.
“Do what?”
Guinevere can see that Arthur won’t let it go, even though he should. Because it would be wrong, it would be a betrayal to Lancelot for them to admit the truth, to give in to their feelings. It would be selfish, but she can sense that Arthur is beginning to not care anymore. It’s one of the many reasons Guinevere stopped going to the castle because whenever they were with each other she would look into his eyes, his beautiful, lovely, blue eyes and want to kiss him.
Gwen looks at the lines beginning to form on his face and thinks that the past several years must have been torture for him, watching her marry one of his best friends and seeing them together. She imagines that he accepted her decision though it was hard for him because he loved her so much.
“I can not be here…” Guinevere tries to walk away, however Arthur grabs her wrist and turns her back towards him.
“Why can’t you be here?” Gwen can hear the intensity in Arthur’s voice; can see the desperation in his eyes for her to finally admit the truth.
“I can not be here because if I stay here any moment longer it will end up like it always does. I will say things that should not be said. I will find myself close to doing things I shouldn’t. I will admit to things…” Guinevere stops, as she tries to stop her inner most feelings concerning Arthur that she had tried to keep hidden from everyone from resurfacing again.
Arthur looks deeply in her eyes, “Admit to what?”
Guinevere can’t hold it in any longer. “Admit that I made a mistake in marrying Lancelot” she finally declares. Like she’s had it on the tip of her tongue for a long while, but was too ashamed to admit it - the truth. That she was too scared and afraid to follow her heart and believe that she would make an excellent Queen
Gwen looks at Arthur’s face and can see that all he can think about now is kissing her - the love of his life, the keeper of his heart. However, before he has the chance to respond to her statement and quite possibly act upon his impulse to kiss her, Guinevere storms out of his chambers.
*
Gwen only manages to comprehend what has just happened between her future self and Arthur when she feels another gust of wind enveloping her once again. This time, however, she doesn’t feel sick as much as the other two times. Instead, she closes her eyes and waits for the spinning and whooshing to stop.
Once it does, she opens her eyes. She is outside in the training field. Its summer, she can tell as the sun is shining brightly, the grass is green and she can feel the heat of the sun on her skin. She sighs a little in relief to be out in the sun after a long, extremely cold winter.
Gwen hears loud stomps coming from the path. Gwen turns a little and sees that it is Arthur. Her heart jumps at the sight of Arthur walking like he has a huge burden weighing heavily on his shoulders. His face is solemn and there are bags underneath his eyes. He obviously hasn’t been sleeping well, Gwen thinks. Gwen’s heart starts to tighten in her chest to see Arthur like this. He’s not the Arthur that Gwen knows. Not the man that managed to capture not only her heart but her soul too.
Arthur matches up to the training mannequin, picks up his sword and starts beating it with such torment and anger it breaks Gwen’s heart to see him in such pain. She would die a thousand deaths or be tortured in a thousand different ways, if he meant that Arthur never experience or felt such pain.
Then she can hear someone’s voice - its Merlin’s.
Gwen does not hear him arrive as she was too busy focusing on Arthur. It gladdens her heart a little to see Merlin there, like he always has been and by the looks of it, he always will be. She knows that while Arthur doesn’t like to admit it out loud, but he has rather come to depend upon Merlin and considers him to be one of his closest and best friends.
“The council are waiting for you,” Merlin shouts a little as the clanging of Arthur’s sword is ever so loud that Gwen wonders if Arthur heard him.
Silence.
Clang, clang, clang….
Afraid, Merlin steps back a little. Yet Gwen can see the worriedness in his eyes.
Merlin tries again. “They are waiting for your decision on Lord Rowan’s proposal…”
Still Arthur does not say anything.
Instead he begins beating the mannequin much harder and with so much force as before that Gwen can tell that Merlin is a little frightened, afraid of what Arthur will do next.
Gwen cannot bear to see Arthur this way; she wants to run up to him, hold him close and never let him go. She knows that she can not do that as he can’t see her, much less feel her warm and soothing touch but still she feels a great urge and need to do so.
So she gives in to her urge and reaches up to almost touch his face. It shocks her to find that he is like a shadow of the future. Then she notices that Arthur has turned to face her like he can sense that something is there, like she is there. And her heart falters.
Arthur stares a little longer, then continues beating the mannequin with as much force as before.
It’s not long till Arthur’s red tunic is a little see-through. From the sweat, Gwen thinks as she watches the sweat pour down his face. Gwen has a feeling that while some of his tears are sweat, in truth some of the glistening drops of liquid falling down his checks are actual tears because in his heart he is crying.
For the first time ever, Merlin looks lost, like he doesn’t know what to do, or say. But that doesn’t stop him from trying to reach and save Arthur from drowning in the deepest ocean of despair.
“Arthur, I know that things have not turned out the way you wanted them to, the way you hoped they would with Gwen marrying Lancelot a few years ago…” Merlin pauses, he doesn’t want to say the next bit. But he has to for Arthur has a duty to Camelot. “But you have to give the council your decision about Lord’s Rowans proposal…”
“To marry his daughter to secure a strong alliance between our lands,” Arthur completes Merlin’s sentence.
He stops, turns to face Merlin, “I know that I must do it in order to save Camelot from Morgana and Morguse’s forces but…” Arthur stops as he can no longer control the despair and pain in his heart. He can no longer control the tears forming in his eyes, “I can not marry someone I do not love…”
Gwen feels a great pang in her chest to know that Arthur’s words are true and honest. She can see that he made a huge sacrifice in letting her go. He’s not the same without her. Sure, his main priority is Camelot and it will always be so. But seeing Arthur feeling so helpless, filled with misery at not being able to make the best decision to help protect Camelot, she starts to wonder if things would have been different if she had married him and taken her place beside him on the throne - if they would have been better.
“I know you can not, but Gwen is married to Lancelot now. She has made her choice, now you need to make yours too” Merlin tries to point out delicately. Gwen can tell that Merlin hates pointing this out, hates reminding Arthur that he cannot be with the woman he loves.
“I know!” Arthur cries, dropping his sword like it weighs a ton and he cannot hold it anymore. He cannot be the strong King of Camelot anymore, and then he falls onto his knees and sobs.
Gwen turns towards Igraine, tears falling down her checks “I can’t bear to watch anymore.”
Then everything fades….
*
Gwen is in pain, so much pain. Watching Arthur hurt so much because he couldn’t be with her, left her feeling forlorn, sad. Yet underneath it all, Gwen still feels uncertain.
After seeing the future Gwen realises that marrying Lancelot would quite possibly be not the best decision. It does not stop Gwen, however, from feeling a little bit of doubt in her heart, not only because Gwen’s heart will always belong to Arthur. She couldn’t do it, she couldn’t cause such hurt and pain to herself, to Lancelot, but most of all, Arthur.
And while she loves Arthur with all her heart, she still cannot help but feel that marrying Arthur still might not be the right decision either.
Sensing Gwen’s sadness, Igraine places her hand upon Gwen’s shoulder, “What is the matter, Gwen?” There is a catch in Igraine’s voice and the hand upon Gwen’s shoulder is shaking. Gwen turns to face Igraine and there is a deep sadness in her eyes.
The look on Gwen’s face, Igraine can tell that Gwen loves Arthur and seeing Arthur in such torment over her broke her heart. Yet there is still a little doubt in Gwen’s eyes.
“Though it pained me so much to see the hurt and heartache Arthur would suffer without me by his side, I still wonder whether Arthur has made a mistake in choosing me to be his Queen. I worry that I will fail him and Camelot…” Gwen stops.
Though she has always had these little doubts, she has never told anyone of them. For so many years, she was used to being the strong person that everyone else could depend upon, but somehow being here with Arthur’s mother made her feel so safe in expressing them. If only the late Queen hadn’t died then Arthur would have had a very loving, caring and supportive mother, Gwen thinks. Instead he was left with a father who felt so much grief and despair that he waged a twenty year war on magic.
Igraine places her hand over Gwen’s. At first it scares her as she can feel something cold, yet not quite there touching her. But after a few seconds, Gwen starts to feel a real sense of calmness and stillness that makes the idea of a ghost touching her not so odd.
“I know that you’re afraid of failing Arthur and Camelot. Believe me Gwen; I’ve been in your position. But maybe you should think carefully before marrying Lancelot.”
Gwen nods her head and replies a little woefully “But even if I don’t marry Lancelot, it doesn’t mean that I can marry Arthur and be a worthy Queen.”
Igraine looks at the expression on Gwen’s face, the uncertainty in her eyes, though Gwen tries to hide it. Gwen looks back at Igraine and sees a determined look in her eye, making her wonder what Igraine is thinking.
But before Gwen can ask, she suddenly tugs Gwen by the arm and forces her to stand up.
“Well I think I can do something to change that.”
*
Gwen opens her eyes.
She finds herself standing in the great hall with Igraine. There are countless rows of people, noble people and peasants, both dressed in their best attire. Looking a few rows down, she spots Merlin and Gaius standing in the front row; Merlin has the biggest smile plastered all over his face. Gaius, on the other hand, well looked like Gaius, though Gwen swore she could see a glimmer of a smile on his face.
Wondering what on earth was making Merlin and everyone else displaying such looks of awe and happiness, Gwen followed where everyone was looking.
She gasps, half in shock, half in awe.
There, right in front of her, is her in the most beautiful gown she has ever laid her eyes upon. It’s so beautiful and elegant that for a minute Gwen can’t help but think that it cannot possibly be her. It’s a deep, rich purple gown made of such fine silk that when the sun shines upon it you can see many other colours reflected in it, with a gold corset. Gwen cannot help but think that her future self looks rather regal.
Finally Gwen watches as her future self makes her final steps and there in front of her is Arthur. He is wearing his royal cloak and armour and Gwen cannot help but be proud to see the crown that is sitting upon his head.
Arthur motions for the crown holder to come forward. There on the pillow, Gwen sees the most beautiful crown she has ever seen. Gwen feels goosebumps appear on her skin and she cannot believe her eyes.
“By the sacred laws vested in me, I pronounce you Guinevere, Queen of Camelot.” Arthur then places the crown upon Guinevere’s head, offers her his hand, which she accepts then they rise, stand up and sit upon their thrones.
Gwen watches as Guinevere and Arthur look at their audience and then each other. The smiles on their faces, Gwen can clearly see how much joy it is for this moment to have arrived. The day they prayed and silently wished would happen when they could be together.
Gwen cannot help but smile at the scene. It’s like for a moment all her doubts have flown away, just by seeing the joy on Arthur, Guinevere and Merlin’s faces because their dream have come true.
Suddenly the scene shifts and changes.
*
Now Gwen and Igraine are standing in the lower towns. Though her eyes are shut Gwen can tell that they are in the lower towns from the fresh scent of bread from the baker’s stall she use to buy from across the lane from her house. Gwen opens her eyes and sure enough she can see all the villagers setting up their stalls for the day to sell their products and produce.
Gwen always loved living in this part of Camelot. Though, most people were poor and barely had much to live on, it always felt like home to her. She supposes it had to do with the real sense of community she always felt there, people were always willing to help each other out. She remembers the many days after her father passed away, her fellow neighbours were constantly coming over her house, offering her food and company, giving her the will to carry on.
Suddenly, she hears someone skipping a little far behind her. A little girl, Gwen thinks.
“Elenora, honey, slow down, you’re going a bit fast,” a mother says.
Not believing her ears, Gwen turns around and there, in front of her is a future version of herself holding onto a little girl’s hand, who couldn’t be more than four or five years old. She has bright blue sparkling eyes and blondish, brown curly hair with a white ribbon tied around it.
She looks very much like Arthur, Gwen thinks and then she smiles. Watching her reaction,
Igraine smiles too.
“Is that our daughter?” Gwen finds herself asking, though she knows the answer to her question, but for some reason she wants confirmation.
“Yes.”
Then they watch as Guinevere and little Elenora, who is carrying a basket filled with different baked goods, fruit and vegetables, knocks on one of the tiny little cottages along the lane.
After a few knocks, someone opens the door and Gwen instantly recognises that it is Alice, one of her former neighbours.
Surprised and a little startled by their presence, Alice blurts out “What are you doing here Gw- I mean Your Highness?” Then remembering that it is the Queen, she quickly curtsies to Guinevere and Elenora.
“Please Alice, there is no need to curtsy,” Gwen motions for Alice to stand up again. “My daughter and I are here to see how you are coping after Nigel’s death and to give her some food for your family.”
At which point Elenora decides that this is the moment to offer the basket to Alice. “Here” Elenora says. Alice smiles at the little girl and Elenora smiles back before she spots a little girl hiding behind Alice.
“Hello, my name is Elenora, but most people call me Elle,” Elenora says to the little girl before offering a little doll to her. The little girl, touched and a tad surprised, moves slightly away from Alice to take the doll.
“I’m Anna,” the little girl mutters nervously. Alice then offers for Guinevere and Elenora to come inside. Igraine then gives Gwen a little encouraging nod as if to say that she should follow them inside Alice’s home.
Fifteen minutes later…Guinevere and Elenora finally emerge from Alice’s houses and walk back to the castle. From what Gwen gathered from listening to the conversation, quite a number of people died from some strange illness that luckily the court physician was able to cure. Unfortunately, for a number of poor people living in the lower towns they died before the cure was discovered and they could be cured.
Gwen doesn’t feel as uncertain anymore. It’s as if watching the way her future self interacts with the people, offering them comfort and support, made her realise that maybe she could be Queen. Maybe she was wrong. After all, being a good Queen is all about caring for your people and helping them whenever they need it.
Then Gwen feels the all familiar whooshing and swirling and the next moment she finds herself in what Gwen assumes is Elenora’s chambers.
Gwen watches as Arthur and Guinevere tuck their daughter into her bed and kiss her goodnight. It fills her with so much joy and delight that it’s all-consuming.
Then they follow Arthur and Guinevere as they walk hand in hand the short distance to their chambers.
When they reach their chambers, Gwen looks at Arthur and Guinevere and gasps. She cannot help it for they are no longer young but older, much older and she realises that they have flash forward she guesses twenty five years later. It’s a shock to begin with; however Gwen relaxes a little at seeing herself looking older because she knows that she is not alone. She’s married to Arthur and that’s all that matters.
Guinevere is sitting at her vanity, removing a silver dragonfly clip from her hair, while Arthur watches her hesitantly and Gwen can tell that he has something to say, but doesn’t quite know how to say it.
Finally Guinevere finishes brushing her long curls with her brush, turns around and finds Arthur staring at her with a hesitant, yet conflicted look on his brow.
“What is it Arthur? You look like you have something on your mind that you wish to tell me but you’re afraid to.”
“What? No…” Arthur stumbles, and then he laughs “Oh alright how did you know?”
Guinevere walks over to their bed, sits next to Arthur “Arthur, we’ve been married for twenty five years I know your expressions too well.” Guinevere giggles, and then her face sobers, “Now what is it?”
“I overheard some of the older Privy Council members talking earlier…” Arthur pauses and Gwen can tell that he’s trying to find some delicate words to explain what happened.
“What are they saying now?” Guinevere asks encouragingly in hope that it will finally get him to spit out whatever he needs to tell her.
“It’s about Elenora. They seem to have issues with how politically sharp minded she is and that she likes to speak her mind. And they are particularly not comfortable with the fact that she is has a strong, natural ability with a sword and has expressed a little interest in helping command the army. ”
“Oh and I wonder who she gets that from.” Guinevere teases, causing to Arthur cough and then respond “Hey she gets the politically sharp mindedness and the other thing from you!”
Guinevere hits him on the arm making them both of them laugh, then Guinevere’s face turns serious and she asks “Did they say anything else?”
“Umm… they may have mentioned that they had hoped that we would have had some sons as heirs…” Arthur stops, and then places his hand over Guinevere’s hand - like he can sense her inner turmoil.
She’s annoyed, Gwen thinks. Not only because it was probably seen as a failure that she was unable to provide Arthur with male heirs, but because she disagrees with the notion that women cannot be as good as men as rulers. And Gwen can not help but agree with her future self.
“Well…”Guinevere finally speaks, “I do wish sometimes that we had been able to fulfil the Privy Council’s and Camelot’s desire for a son, but I’m so grateful for Elenora. She’s really quite magnificent and honourable. She’s kind, considerate and intelligent. She would make a great Queen one day, I know she will. I know that no woman has ever inherited the crown before but that does not mean that it could not happen in the future.”
Gwen watches the proud look that emerges on Arthur’s face. He’s completely amazed by her inner strength and wisdom once again.
“You’re quite right, as always, Guinevere. I’m just not sure how we should proceed. If we should say anything or do anything…” Arthur pauses and Gwen can tell that even now after being King for a long time that he is still has moments when he feels uncertain.
Guinevere places her other hand over Arthur’s and rubs it gently. “Honestly, I think we should tread carefully, as we don’t want to cause anymore conflict within the Council. Maybe we should speak to Elenora about not being so outspoken with her opinions, tell her to try and be more understanding of their point of views. Hopefully they will get use to her presence. Then you can try and introduce a law saying that females can rule as Queen.”
Arthur nods his head, then places his arms around Guinevere and presses his lips to her forehead “How did I get so lucky in having a smart and beautiful Queen?”
Guinevere laughs, “Because you stopped being so pig-headed and managed to make a noble maidservant fall in love with you!” Then Guinevere presses her lips towards Arthur’s waiting mouth.
*
Gwen watches as the scene disappears and wonders what she will be shown next.
However, once all the whooshing and swishing dies down, Gwen finally opens her eyes and is relieved to see Igraine and herself have returned back to the traitor’s graveyard.
Noticing the positive change in Gwen’s mood and attitude, Igraine finally speaks up to break the silence, “All queens at the beginning worry that they won’t live up to the expectations that ruling a country requires. I remember the first few years after being crown Queen I would constantly be stressing about whether the people thought I was living up to their expectations. After a while, I began to realise that the more I stopped worrying about what people thought, and the more I did for the people. The easier it became…”
Gwen smiles at Igraine and for the first time she believes that anything is possible. After watching all the possible futures, Gwen had an epiphany. She saw how much power fear had over her. Her fear in not being able to be a great Queen lead to her disregarding her own heart and being miserable because of it. It made her realise that sometimes you need to fight for what you truly want even if there are many obstacles in the way because the outcome would be worth it.
A few more seconds of silence and finally Gwen speaks, “I still feel slightly nervous at the prospect of marrying Arthur and becoming Queen. But after everything that I saw I know now that I can overcome my fears and follow my heart. I can be the Queen that Camelot deserves, though at times it will be hard. I know we can overcome anything as long as we are together.”
Igraine can not help but smile back at Gwen, “I’m just glad that you are starting to believe that.”
Gwen places her hand over Igraine’s, “I want to say thank you. For everything you have done. It means so much to me…” Gwen pauses as her face saddens and she thinks If only Arthur was here and could meet her.
Seeing the genuine look on Gwen’s face of thankfulness, Igraine can not help what she does next. She pulls Gwen into a hug.
It feels a little weird for Gwen, to be hugged by a ghost. But after a few seconds she gets use to the sensation and starts to embrace Igraine as well. She’s glad that she’s had these moments with Igraine.
“You’re welcome.”
*
Igraine disappears a few minutes later after they both say their goodbyes. Gwen can not help but feel glad that Igraine appeared to her tonight.
I can’t believe I just saw Arthur’s mother, Gwen thinks when her thoughts get interrupted when she hears some twigs snap behind her.
Turning her head behind her, she sees Arthur standing slightly behind a tree with an apprehensive look on his face.
“Arthur…. Did you follow me?” Gwen doesn’t know whether to be relieved, surprised or shocked. She wonders whether he saw anything, if he saw his mother’s ghost.
Arthur steps away from the tree, like he’s been caught, “Umm yes… I was worried after our disagreement and followed you to out of the castle to make sure that you were alright…” Arthur pauses as he tries to read the expression on Gwen’s face.
Gwen walks closer to him. Then she takes his hands and places it in her own. “I’m so sorry about what happened before…” Gwen starts to say, when Arthur interrupts, “No, I’m sorry I should have been more understanding of how hard it must be for you.”
Gwen cannot help but place one of her hands on his face to stroke him, “I know you’re sorry, but it is me who should be apologizing…” Arthur is about to speak when Gwen places a finger to his mouth to stop him. Then she continues, “I shouldn’t have gotten angry with you. Yes, I was angry with what those ladies were saying, but what you said was right. I should not be ashamed of who I am. Of what I might become in the future…”
Then Gwen places her other hand on his face, pulls him down and kisses him.
And she doesn’t stop even when the sun starts to rise, signalling a new day. She just wants to stay here, in Arthur’s embrace, feeling his lips moving upon hers. She realises that whatever happens in the future, she will not be afraid. For she is not alone, she’s got what she’s always had. Hope.
THE END
~*~
End note: I'm quickly posting this before I get on the plane and fly across the pond! This means that I won't respond as quickly as usual to any comments as I will be very busy enjoying myself ♥! I will try my best though!