im always second best.
i got really drunk last night with my friend ryan. it was nice to get to finally hang out with him and not be with his fucking girlfriend.
i ended up calliing mark all drunk and dumb. i dont remember much of the conversation but alls i know is after we hung up. i cried my eyes out. i honest to god have th emost intense feeling for the kid. and he just doesnt get it. and im hurt by that. i would do anything for him and i care about him so much. he makes me feel so good about myself. and in all honesty im close to actually being in love with him. like truely head over heals. an di cant help but want him to say cute things to me and tell me in beautiful and say i like you and things of that nature. and im alwasy the one to make the effort. and im tired of it. he my valentine this year. my first real valentine ever. im supposed to go to his house on wednesday. but im doubtful. i want to see him an di want to hold his hang and hug him and kiss him. but who knows.
i feel like im not a priority for anyone anymore. i used to be. and no everyone has moved on an dim left in the same place i always am either second best. or alone. i feel lik ei need a guy in my lie to make me happy when im all honesty i dont. i need to get thaqt through my thick fucking head.
im honestly beyond depressed right now. i cant seem to find happiness in anything anymore. im a fucking highschool drop out with no job and a drug habit. fucking cool bro? im a fucking pathetic piece of shit.
i try to do good by myself but i cant. i need soemone to keep me stable and thinking clearly. i lie to save my ass and im a failure at everything i do.
whatever. im moving soon and i will become the biggest cokehead known to man. becasue honestly as pathetic as that sounds. it makes me happy. im a fucking joke. i true joke.
peace.
i ended up calliing mark all drunk and dumb. i dont remember much of the conversation but alls i know is after we hung up. i cried my eyes out. i honest to god have th emost intense feeling for the kid. and he just doesnt get it. and im hurt by that. i would do anything for him and i care about him so much. he makes me feel so good about myself. and in all honesty im close to actually being in love with him. like truely head over heals. an di cant help but want him to say cute things to me and tell me in beautiful and say i like you and things of that nature. and im alwasy the one to make the effort. and im tired of it. he my valentine this year. my first real valentine ever. im supposed to go to his house on wednesday. but im doubtful. i want to see him an di want to hold his hang and hug him and kiss him. but who knows.
i feel like im not a priority for anyone anymore. i used to be. and no everyone has moved on an dim left in the same place i always am either second best. or alone. i feel lik ei need a guy in my lie to make me happy when im all honesty i dont. i need to get thaqt through my thick fucking head.
im honestly beyond depressed right now. i cant seem to find happiness in anything anymore. im a fucking highschool drop out with no job and a drug habit. fucking cool bro? im a fucking pathetic piece of shit.
i try to do good by myself but i cant. i need soemone to keep me stable and thinking clearly. i lie to save my ass and im a failure at everything i do.
whatever. im moving soon and i will become the biggest cokehead known to man. becasue honestly as pathetic as that sounds. it makes me happy. im a fucking joke. i true joke.
peace.