When You Want to Shoot Every Panda Between the Eyes for not Fucking to Save Their Species
THE GOOD:
Had an amazing night friday. Rich left early so Dave and I partook in some 211 and got Marcel to enjoy its elusive nature as well. I called Lois and got invited to her party after work. Still buzzed from the 211, I went to get some McDonalds only to wait over half an hour just to get my two double cheeseburgers and a medium fry. Sadly there where people who had been waiting longer than me, but my order came up first. So off to Capital Villa, somehow I managed to remember both the building and room number, despite having been told almost an hour ago (i never write important stuff down). It was nice seeing Lois again, I hadn't seen her in almost a year, and the scene there was quite enjoyable. I befriended many of her friends with ease, which is always nice, and was complimented on my DJ skills by many for the majority of the night. After having been drinking quite a lot, and playing Egyptian Rat Screw, Euchre, and having great discussions on Musicology, and writing, I decided it was my turn to sit at Lois' computer and mix up the playlist. I love being the catalyst at these gatherings, it makes it so much easier for me to connect with people, for they seek me out rather than I them.
Sadly someone broke Lois' brand new fountain/vaporizer thingy, that swirled fog and changed colors due to different lights based on which way it swirled, so you could swish your hand in the mist and change the colors. Very entertaining. Also on the sad note someone ate my fries when left unattended. Mike and Stefanie were my two favorite people there. Once again all Mikes I've ever met are like Hedin, this one wore shades the whole night looking like a Risky Business esque Tom Cruise. Him and I hit it off far too well for people who just met, but he cracked me up with his little stories, and he reminded me of myself when I'm at my best. He told this great story about how he went to Big Boy's to eat with his Grandmother earlier in the day, and how she went on and on how she likes her coleslaw chopped not sliced, she even complained to the management, but they could not oblige her request. He was just full of sarcasm, and he had that look of a loner, even when surrounded by people, that look I too know far too well.
Stefanie was fun. When I was mixing the tunes she kept darting me those glances that you have to double take at. The ones where you think to yourself did she really just look at me THAT way? Later she requested a song by Jimmy Eat World, sadly I forgot the title, but it was the one Lauren put on one of her many great mixes for me. So hearing it somewhat saddened my mood, I explained this to Stef and she was understanding. We got talking about films, and my writing, and the novels I'm currently working on. If I manage to get anything published before graduation it seems I'd be able to sell quite a few copies just due to all the general interest in me from all these people I meet in the night. Everytime I encounter someone they just appreciate me, which is great, and want to purchase a copy of whatever gets published, but I wonder if the latter is just more a comment to be nice, or perhaps more realistically fake.
I left Lois' around 4:30am, very tired, and once my head hit my pillow I realized I'd have a fun little headache to wake up to.
THE BAD
Said headache was crucial, even more so thanks to the blaring sunshine when I arrived at the hotel for work. My day went straight to shit thanks to seeing that once again I would be working alone with Billy the most worthless worker I've ever met, so basically I had a workload for four squarely on my shoulders due to call offs and one worker without much use. I nearly quit, the whole day was simply wretched, I hate how I'm nice to horrible people, I'm just unable to go off on people like I used to. I realize I'd feel bad afterwards, but it has been a long time since I've been able to put someone in their place (when they deserve it). No need to go into the mundane details of hotel hell, but it sucked the life and joy out of me on saturday. Got home and just felt like shit. The only thing that kept me minimally happy was Paul and Kenny's infinite jubulation. I'm glad I have Paul as a brother, when life gets real shitty he manages to make me feel better, never knowing it, just his innate purity and happiness becomes contagious. Also the surprising MSU victory kept a slight smile on my face, more so since U of M will likely take the Big Ten Title now. Rest of the day was spent just brooding and sleeping.
THE UGLY
All the negativity and pain returned in a swell out of nowhere. I feel broken all over again. I hate whenever things are going well and I have true faith in myself, my faith in others declines greatly, and I'm left feeling horrible all over again. I invest myself too much into others, it makes me very dependant, but the spoils of it are so often worth these temporary periods of feeling low. I love people, but have issues with when they act against their own natures, when the good ones become bad, when the caring become uncaring. I take it all too personally perhaps. It doesn't help I can't get over some of those crucial things. The help I require to do so, isn't willing to help, and I'm not sure I can do it alone. There's just a large burden of truth and a desire for people to just grow up, others to see that walls and inhibitions are so fucking odious and unrequired. I hate knowing some of the things I know about life, it makes it so much harder to be happy. Being a philosopher is a depressing station, then tack on being a writer which adds quite a bit of tragedy and struggle, then throw in a past speckled with pain and disappointment, and yet I've always been an optimistic idealist, always happy in my core, but lately that's become harder to do. I used to be able to find those elusive things that would turn around everything bad, but now I'm tethered by a thick cord of why? and pain and doubt and fear and depression, all feelings I had previously had the pleasure of not having to deal with. I know what I need, but the many shades of possibility are out of reach with regard to it. Some deny, some lie, and others never acknowledge, and that's the problem. Everyone can be so selfish, and it makes me wonder am I becoming that too? Is that why I'm unhappy all of a sudden? I think I might be on to something...
Had an amazing night friday. Rich left early so Dave and I partook in some 211 and got Marcel to enjoy its elusive nature as well. I called Lois and got invited to her party after work. Still buzzed from the 211, I went to get some McDonalds only to wait over half an hour just to get my two double cheeseburgers and a medium fry. Sadly there where people who had been waiting longer than me, but my order came up first. So off to Capital Villa, somehow I managed to remember both the building and room number, despite having been told almost an hour ago (i never write important stuff down). It was nice seeing Lois again, I hadn't seen her in almost a year, and the scene there was quite enjoyable. I befriended many of her friends with ease, which is always nice, and was complimented on my DJ skills by many for the majority of the night. After having been drinking quite a lot, and playing Egyptian Rat Screw, Euchre, and having great discussions on Musicology, and writing, I decided it was my turn to sit at Lois' computer and mix up the playlist. I love being the catalyst at these gatherings, it makes it so much easier for me to connect with people, for they seek me out rather than I them.
Sadly someone broke Lois' brand new fountain/vaporizer thingy, that swirled fog and changed colors due to different lights based on which way it swirled, so you could swish your hand in the mist and change the colors. Very entertaining. Also on the sad note someone ate my fries when left unattended. Mike and Stefanie were my two favorite people there. Once again all Mikes I've ever met are like Hedin, this one wore shades the whole night looking like a Risky Business esque Tom Cruise. Him and I hit it off far too well for people who just met, but he cracked me up with his little stories, and he reminded me of myself when I'm at my best. He told this great story about how he went to Big Boy's to eat with his Grandmother earlier in the day, and how she went on and on how she likes her coleslaw chopped not sliced, she even complained to the management, but they could not oblige her request. He was just full of sarcasm, and he had that look of a loner, even when surrounded by people, that look I too know far too well.
Stefanie was fun. When I was mixing the tunes she kept darting me those glances that you have to double take at. The ones where you think to yourself did she really just look at me THAT way? Later she requested a song by Jimmy Eat World, sadly I forgot the title, but it was the one Lauren put on one of her many great mixes for me. So hearing it somewhat saddened my mood, I explained this to Stef and she was understanding. We got talking about films, and my writing, and the novels I'm currently working on. If I manage to get anything published before graduation it seems I'd be able to sell quite a few copies just due to all the general interest in me from all these people I meet in the night. Everytime I encounter someone they just appreciate me, which is great, and want to purchase a copy of whatever gets published, but I wonder if the latter is just more a comment to be nice, or perhaps more realistically fake.
I left Lois' around 4:30am, very tired, and once my head hit my pillow I realized I'd have a fun little headache to wake up to.
THE BAD
Said headache was crucial, even more so thanks to the blaring sunshine when I arrived at the hotel for work. My day went straight to shit thanks to seeing that once again I would be working alone with Billy the most worthless worker I've ever met, so basically I had a workload for four squarely on my shoulders due to call offs and one worker without much use. I nearly quit, the whole day was simply wretched, I hate how I'm nice to horrible people, I'm just unable to go off on people like I used to. I realize I'd feel bad afterwards, but it has been a long time since I've been able to put someone in their place (when they deserve it). No need to go into the mundane details of hotel hell, but it sucked the life and joy out of me on saturday. Got home and just felt like shit. The only thing that kept me minimally happy was Paul and Kenny's infinite jubulation. I'm glad I have Paul as a brother, when life gets real shitty he manages to make me feel better, never knowing it, just his innate purity and happiness becomes contagious. Also the surprising MSU victory kept a slight smile on my face, more so since U of M will likely take the Big Ten Title now. Rest of the day was spent just brooding and sleeping.
THE UGLY
All the negativity and pain returned in a swell out of nowhere. I feel broken all over again. I hate whenever things are going well and I have true faith in myself, my faith in others declines greatly, and I'm left feeling horrible all over again. I invest myself too much into others, it makes me very dependant, but the spoils of it are so often worth these temporary periods of feeling low. I love people, but have issues with when they act against their own natures, when the good ones become bad, when the caring become uncaring. I take it all too personally perhaps. It doesn't help I can't get over some of those crucial things. The help I require to do so, isn't willing to help, and I'm not sure I can do it alone. There's just a large burden of truth and a desire for people to just grow up, others to see that walls and inhibitions are so fucking odious and unrequired. I hate knowing some of the things I know about life, it makes it so much harder to be happy. Being a philosopher is a depressing station, then tack on being a writer which adds quite a bit of tragedy and struggle, then throw in a past speckled with pain and disappointment, and yet I've always been an optimistic idealist, always happy in my core, but lately that's become harder to do. I used to be able to find those elusive things that would turn around everything bad, but now I'm tethered by a thick cord of why? and pain and doubt and fear and depression, all feelings I had previously had the pleasure of not having to deal with. I know what I need, but the many shades of possibility are out of reach with regard to it. Some deny, some lie, and others never acknowledge, and that's the problem. Everyone can be so selfish, and it makes me wonder am I becoming that too? Is that why I'm unhappy all of a sudden? I think I might be on to something...