ahh crap...
Man, I feel depressed. Depressed, depressed, depressed. I don' t know, wish I had someone to call up and chatter or something, but instead I'm just kind of sitting here at the computer, watching videos on ebay and stuff. Had a group session tonight.. I dunno.. not sure if I getting that much out of group... guess maybe I'm just used to solo therapy treatment where I'm the center of things, rather than just being on voice in that crowd...
Anyway, my "marathon" ended today. For some reason, I guess they were low on help or something, i got scheduled for SIX days in a row at work, four hour shifts each day (although they asked me to stay an extra hour and half on day and I did.) Then, I had to work Sunday and Monday of this week, making it a EIGHT day in a row work week.
I know, I know, I've heard worse, especially considering I only did like four hours a day, but still, it's just really weird, especially for me, since they had me on two, three day weeks for so long. And, if you're wondering, I've got four days this week.
Okay, okay..what else? I dunno.. went on a bit of a bender today.. ate at McDonalds for lunch and ate a whole Dominoes pizza for dinner. I've been TRYING (once again) to cut back on my food and lose some weight. Not too long ago, we did some tests at the doctor's office and it turns out my liver has elevated levels of certain enzymes. Well, after a scan, we were able to rule out infection, or cysts or anything like that. Turns out I have what they call "fatty infiltration" of the liver. Basically a layer of fat is surrounding my liver, making it pump more chemicals than normal. Not too awfully much right now, but it might keep get higher as time goes on.
Doc said, and I quote here, that I needed to have a, "Real honest to Jesus talk about what I want to with my weight" or else I'm not going to "live long". And I said, "Well, the problem is, more often than not, living long isn't something that really appeals to me."
I mean, I've always kind of thought that, in addition to the physical pleasure I get from eating, that maybe, for me, overeating was kind of a form of slow suicide. I mean, to stick a hose in a exhaust pipe and suck down fumes, or slash my wrists or whatever, that'd be overt, but this, well, heart attack or something, everyone would just, "Oh, well, he was in poor health." etc, etc.
I don't know.. I really don't know what to do. I mean, I'm trying to cut back and stuff, in fact, last I checked, I actually lost five pounds, but, seriously, I just.. I get so sad and depressed, I just don't care about losing weight not to mention living a long life. Hell, what have I got to live for to begin with? That's the one thing no doctor can give me, a reason to keep going.
Remember reading once about this really overweight guy who had a wife and two kids. Well, his daughter started having problems with her kidneys and had to be put on dialysis. A new kidney could fix said problem, so the whole family underwent testing. Turned out the dad's kidneys were a perfect match. He said, "Fine, I'll donate one." Doctor said, "We can't do that, with your weight, you wouldn't be able to handle living with one kidney."
So, the guy said, "Okay, fine..." and he went on a diet. He was at for months and he said that every time he wanted to give up, he'd just look at his little girl and go back to it. Finally at the end of about six or seven months or so, he'd lost around one hundred and fifty pounds. (Can't remember the exact number.)
Point is, he had something to keep going for. Loving wife, loving family, etc.
I know, I know, having a g/f, wife, kids and whatever, won't magically take away whatever feeling of depression and pain you have, but I just wish.. I don' t know.
Just wish I could feel that I had something, you know? If not family, then a goal maybe or a dream, something besides, "Move out on my own."
Well, I think I'm going play on the computer for a bit...
Anyway, my "marathon" ended today. For some reason, I guess they were low on help or something, i got scheduled for SIX days in a row at work, four hour shifts each day (although they asked me to stay an extra hour and half on day and I did.) Then, I had to work Sunday and Monday of this week, making it a EIGHT day in a row work week.
I know, I know, I've heard worse, especially considering I only did like four hours a day, but still, it's just really weird, especially for me, since they had me on two, three day weeks for so long. And, if you're wondering, I've got four days this week.
Okay, okay..what else? I dunno.. went on a bit of a bender today.. ate at McDonalds for lunch and ate a whole Dominoes pizza for dinner. I've been TRYING (once again) to cut back on my food and lose some weight. Not too long ago, we did some tests at the doctor's office and it turns out my liver has elevated levels of certain enzymes. Well, after a scan, we were able to rule out infection, or cysts or anything like that. Turns out I have what they call "fatty infiltration" of the liver. Basically a layer of fat is surrounding my liver, making it pump more chemicals than normal. Not too awfully much right now, but it might keep get higher as time goes on.
Doc said, and I quote here, that I needed to have a, "Real honest to Jesus talk about what I want to with my weight" or else I'm not going to "live long". And I said, "Well, the problem is, more often than not, living long isn't something that really appeals to me."
I mean, I've always kind of thought that, in addition to the physical pleasure I get from eating, that maybe, for me, overeating was kind of a form of slow suicide. I mean, to stick a hose in a exhaust pipe and suck down fumes, or slash my wrists or whatever, that'd be overt, but this, well, heart attack or something, everyone would just, "Oh, well, he was in poor health." etc, etc.
I don't know.. I really don't know what to do. I mean, I'm trying to cut back and stuff, in fact, last I checked, I actually lost five pounds, but, seriously, I just.. I get so sad and depressed, I just don't care about losing weight not to mention living a long life. Hell, what have I got to live for to begin with? That's the one thing no doctor can give me, a reason to keep going.
Remember reading once about this really overweight guy who had a wife and two kids. Well, his daughter started having problems with her kidneys and had to be put on dialysis. A new kidney could fix said problem, so the whole family underwent testing. Turned out the dad's kidneys were a perfect match. He said, "Fine, I'll donate one." Doctor said, "We can't do that, with your weight, you wouldn't be able to handle living with one kidney."
So, the guy said, "Okay, fine..." and he went on a diet. He was at for months and he said that every time he wanted to give up, he'd just look at his little girl and go back to it. Finally at the end of about six or seven months or so, he'd lost around one hundred and fifty pounds. (Can't remember the exact number.)
Point is, he had something to keep going for. Loving wife, loving family, etc.
I know, I know, having a g/f, wife, kids and whatever, won't magically take away whatever feeling of depression and pain you have, but I just wish.. I don' t know.
Just wish I could feel that I had something, you know? If not family, then a goal maybe or a dream, something besides, "Move out on my own."
Well, I think I'm going play on the computer for a bit...