Just fucking peachy...
Alright, consider yourself warned. The following entry is going to be me spewing out a considerable amount of rage. You're more than likely not in the mood to get dragged down reading the garbage of my life, so skip forward to the next entry on your friends page, ok?
Hopefully by the end of this, the problems in my life will seem less severe, more trivial, and i'll realize that things could be a lot fucking worse. However, at the moment, I have nothing to do besides sit at my computer and type until i'm not quite as pissed off anymore. This entry will probably be full of misspellings and mistakes, but frankly, i really don't give two shits right now and that is definitely the least of my worries.
So what's at the top of my list... well, yesterday my grandfather had a stroke. He went up to Houghton Lake by himself on Wednesday because he hadn't been home in almost a month. Ever since my grandma passed away last year, he doens't stay up there by himself much. On wednesday afternoon, he decided he wanted to go home. I talked to him around 6-ish, and he was across the street visiting with the neigbors. Next morning (yesterday), my mom tried calling the cabin phone and his cell phone, and he wasn't answering either. After an hour of that, she called the neighbors and had them go oer and check on him. They found him on the floor. He had been ther eall night. He couldn't get up, so he had tried to drag himself across the floor to a chair, to get leverage. There are rug burns and bruises all over his legs. THey took him to the hospital up there, and later in the day transferred him down to the hospital here in Saginaw for observation. My mom, dad, and uncle jim drove up there as soon as they found out. Mom wanted me to stay home and keep an eye on things, and I was so scared that something was going to happen and i wasn't going to be able to say goodbye. Last February when we lost my grandma, it was sudden, and I since i was in Detroit, I didn't get to talk to her before she lost consciousness. So scared it was going to happen again.
Went to the hospital tonight to see him for the first time. God, took everything I had not to fucking break down into tears. I am so fucking pissed. and upset. part of me wants to curl into a ball and cry my eyes out, and the other part wants to go punch a brick wall until both of my hands are broken. god dammit! life fucking sucks. Two days ago, Pops was cooking for the crowds at the bar, and practicing his golf swing cause he was getting antsy to be able to get out on the courses again as soon as the weather gets a little nicer. He drove up north and was his usual, social-butterfly self even a couple of hours before it happened. Dammit. I know he's missed my grandma so much. They were only a few months shy of their 50th wedding anniversary when she died. He kept himself busy with golf, catering, and doing stuff for other people. I saw him in the hospital tonight and he couldn't even feed himself. He can't really walk. Damn. He was tromping around the field hitting golf balls two days ago. Here's this great big bear of a man... He stands so tall.... with a booming laugh, a dazzling smile, and a never ending well of compassion for other people. He was always, ALWAYS doing stuff for everyone. Son of a bith. What the fuck is he going to do now? He's having p[roblems talking. God it broke my heart to see him tonight. Here's this vibrant man, who is SO full of life and energy, and now he can't feed himself or even talk. And i don't knwo what to do. My mom must be going through hell right now. She's the oldest child, and the only girl. She lost her mom, a few months later we lose her god-mother (my grandma's sister), a month after that her brother is diagnosed with cancer, and now that my uncle's treatments are finished and everythign seems to be getting back to normal, this happens. As soon as we start to pick up the fucking pieces, another wrecking ball flies through our lives, demolishing everyhing. I don't know how my mom is going to deal with this. I don't know how our family is going to deal with this. Fuck.
So after i leave the hospital tonight, i need something to do, to keep my mind busy and off things. I go over to the warehouse that deena is using as the theater space for the show that she's producing. I watch rehearsals, my mood gets a bit better, things go well, yada yada... Afterwards, I'm tryign to think of something to go do, because i'm not ready to come home, cause i know if i do, then i'll start thinking about all this shit, and i really don't want to do that. Lisa had called earlier, said she was thinking of driving to Saginaw. I told her i wished i could drive to detroit and go to CIty club with her tonight. Get the fuck out of here. Run away. However, can't do that, cause mom needs me at the house and at the hospital early in the morning, and Deena needs me at rehearsal during the day. So... tonight, as we leave the warehouse and walk out to our cars, i see that everything is torn apart inside of my car. Yep. Broken into. I live in Detroit, in the middle of the ghetto, for FOUR FUCKING YEARS. My car was never touched. I come into Old Town Saginw for a couple of hours, and bam. Granted, it's my fault, because i think one of the doors wasn't locked. And I don't THINK they got anything, because my purse, my CD's, and my camera equipment were at my house, but still. My car is fucking trashed. Everything is all over. They got some change. No real cash. WHy didn't they just take the fucking car? THat way I could have gotten a new one. Son of a bitch. Yeah, i know my swearing isn't that imaginative, but i'm pissed, and i really don't care how interesting this is.
TOmorrow morning when it's light, and not quite as cold, I'll go through everything and see if i notice anything else that's gone. Fuck. Can't tell my parents this happened, otherwise they'll get pissed/worried, and i won't be able to go back down to the warehouse at night. My mom has more than enough to worry about right now.
After that, I decide to go over to Jay's house to see if he's up for getting a beer and going to shoot some pool. I was a bad friend, and didn't show up on St. Patricks day to take him out, so i think that i might be able to make it up to him. Well, Mr. J is sleeping (at 10 o'clock at night) even tho he doesn't have to work tomorrow morning. We chatted up in his room for a bit, but he was half passed out still, so I let him get back to dreamland. FUck. So here I am, not sure what to do with myself. Deena has too much going on with the show for me to rant to her... Sara just moved to Lansing... Crystal and Lisa are down at our place in Detroit... lil Meg is in Lansing...lil sis just went up north for the night with Eddie and doug.... Jay is passed out.... and frankly, I fucking give up. So i come home. Which is where i'm currently at, venting all of my frustrations. Dave called. A bunch of them are going out to Hamilton Street tonight, but seeing as how i was just there a few hours ago and my car got broken into, I'm not particularly feeling inclined to go back anytime. Besides that, now that i'm home, I'm already in a shitty frame of mind, and I'd probably end up bringing everyone else down if i went out tonight. Sean is trying to cheer me up on IM right now. He thinks we should have sex. I told him thanks for trying, but if i haven't slept with him yet, it's not going to happen now, on the shittiest night of my life. Ah, another one of my fucking rants.....
Cowboy... yeah, so i fucked up. I didn't tell him that i was leaving for arizona for a month. Big deal. We go that long between visits anyway. Ever since he took the job in Grand Rapids in October, we've rarely had an opportunity for him to come visit, or for me to go there. I went out there once, he came to Detroit a few times, and up to Saginaw once. He's busy, i[m busy. He's the one who took the job. Not to mention the fact that the one time i drove out to GR to see him as a surprise, the red headed slut was out with him. So that was kinda the end of things... but not really. He still came to see me after that, we still talked on the phone all the time, and whever we talked or saw each other, it was as if nothing had changed. Son of a bitch. This long distance shit just doens't get it.
I decide i'm not telling him that I'm taking off to AZ, but Lisa and Crystal decided to take care of that for me. They let him know almost a month before I left. Feb. 4th was my birthday, my flight out there was scheduled for the 5th. The plan this going away/birthday party for the night of the 4th, once i get back to Detroit from Saginaw. SHortly after i get to the bar, i find myself blindfolded and handcuffed to a chair, and i have no friggin idea what's going on. Long story short, Cowboy had driven in from G.R. to be my birthday present. Yeah, too bad i was far too shitfaced to do anything that night except get sick. My roommates decided to get me trashed, and had me doing shots of clear tequila and vodka, while they did shots of water. Assholes.
Anway, Cowboy and I talk on the phone for the month that I'm out in AZ. My last 5 days out there, however, we didn't. Either he was busy, and only talked for a second or two, or if i tried calling, he didn't answer the voicemail i left. Whatever. Figured he's busy. If he has the time/inclination to call, he will.
Yeah, a few days after I'm back in Saginaw, I finally get a call from him. Didn't answer the phone cause i was busy with something, but when i check the voicemail, it's him taking a nice stroll down memory lane, recounting all these great times we had. Then before he hangs up, tells me how much he loves me. Fucking cripe. I swear. This back and forth bullshit is not getting it. "hey, i'm too busy to talk to you for a week and half, but I love you and miss you..." what the fuck.
My head hurts. I never used to cry. For years, I didn't cry. Most of high school, actually. And when i say never, I mean, I could count the occasions and not use all of my fingers. From eighth grade until I graduated. Lately, I've been a fucking wreck. Ever since we lost my grandma last year, it's went steadily down hill. Like i said, that damn wrecking ball won't fucking go away.
Well, I think my steam has finally started to wear off for the night. I haven't posted in months, and this is how I come back. How shitty. My apologies, if anyone actually read this. And i know that there are tons of people out there who have problems that make mine seem like a broken nail, and after writing this, I'm comprehending that a bit better. Time for me to go crash now. Need to get up early and go to the hospital. This entry has ended. Go in relief, and hopfully your day was better than mine.
Nite.
Hopefully by the end of this, the problems in my life will seem less severe, more trivial, and i'll realize that things could be a lot fucking worse. However, at the moment, I have nothing to do besides sit at my computer and type until i'm not quite as pissed off anymore. This entry will probably be full of misspellings and mistakes, but frankly, i really don't give two shits right now and that is definitely the least of my worries.
So what's at the top of my list... well, yesterday my grandfather had a stroke. He went up to Houghton Lake by himself on Wednesday because he hadn't been home in almost a month. Ever since my grandma passed away last year, he doens't stay up there by himself much. On wednesday afternoon, he decided he wanted to go home. I talked to him around 6-ish, and he was across the street visiting with the neigbors. Next morning (yesterday), my mom tried calling the cabin phone and his cell phone, and he wasn't answering either. After an hour of that, she called the neighbors and had them go oer and check on him. They found him on the floor. He had been ther eall night. He couldn't get up, so he had tried to drag himself across the floor to a chair, to get leverage. There are rug burns and bruises all over his legs. THey took him to the hospital up there, and later in the day transferred him down to the hospital here in Saginaw for observation. My mom, dad, and uncle jim drove up there as soon as they found out. Mom wanted me to stay home and keep an eye on things, and I was so scared that something was going to happen and i wasn't going to be able to say goodbye. Last February when we lost my grandma, it was sudden, and I since i was in Detroit, I didn't get to talk to her before she lost consciousness. So scared it was going to happen again.
Went to the hospital tonight to see him for the first time. God, took everything I had not to fucking break down into tears. I am so fucking pissed. and upset. part of me wants to curl into a ball and cry my eyes out, and the other part wants to go punch a brick wall until both of my hands are broken. god dammit! life fucking sucks. Two days ago, Pops was cooking for the crowds at the bar, and practicing his golf swing cause he was getting antsy to be able to get out on the courses again as soon as the weather gets a little nicer. He drove up north and was his usual, social-butterfly self even a couple of hours before it happened. Dammit. I know he's missed my grandma so much. They were only a few months shy of their 50th wedding anniversary when she died. He kept himself busy with golf, catering, and doing stuff for other people. I saw him in the hospital tonight and he couldn't even feed himself. He can't really walk. Damn. He was tromping around the field hitting golf balls two days ago. Here's this great big bear of a man... He stands so tall.... with a booming laugh, a dazzling smile, and a never ending well of compassion for other people. He was always, ALWAYS doing stuff for everyone. Son of a bith. What the fuck is he going to do now? He's having p[roblems talking. God it broke my heart to see him tonight. Here's this vibrant man, who is SO full of life and energy, and now he can't feed himself or even talk. And i don't knwo what to do. My mom must be going through hell right now. She's the oldest child, and the only girl. She lost her mom, a few months later we lose her god-mother (my grandma's sister), a month after that her brother is diagnosed with cancer, and now that my uncle's treatments are finished and everythign seems to be getting back to normal, this happens. As soon as we start to pick up the fucking pieces, another wrecking ball flies through our lives, demolishing everyhing. I don't know how my mom is going to deal with this. I don't know how our family is going to deal with this. Fuck.
So after i leave the hospital tonight, i need something to do, to keep my mind busy and off things. I go over to the warehouse that deena is using as the theater space for the show that she's producing. I watch rehearsals, my mood gets a bit better, things go well, yada yada... Afterwards, I'm tryign to think of something to go do, because i'm not ready to come home, cause i know if i do, then i'll start thinking about all this shit, and i really don't want to do that. Lisa had called earlier, said she was thinking of driving to Saginaw. I told her i wished i could drive to detroit and go to CIty club with her tonight. Get the fuck out of here. Run away. However, can't do that, cause mom needs me at the house and at the hospital early in the morning, and Deena needs me at rehearsal during the day. So... tonight, as we leave the warehouse and walk out to our cars, i see that everything is torn apart inside of my car. Yep. Broken into. I live in Detroit, in the middle of the ghetto, for FOUR FUCKING YEARS. My car was never touched. I come into Old Town Saginw for a couple of hours, and bam. Granted, it's my fault, because i think one of the doors wasn't locked. And I don't THINK they got anything, because my purse, my CD's, and my camera equipment were at my house, but still. My car is fucking trashed. Everything is all over. They got some change. No real cash. WHy didn't they just take the fucking car? THat way I could have gotten a new one. Son of a bitch. Yeah, i know my swearing isn't that imaginative, but i'm pissed, and i really don't care how interesting this is.
TOmorrow morning when it's light, and not quite as cold, I'll go through everything and see if i notice anything else that's gone. Fuck. Can't tell my parents this happened, otherwise they'll get pissed/worried, and i won't be able to go back down to the warehouse at night. My mom has more than enough to worry about right now.
After that, I decide to go over to Jay's house to see if he's up for getting a beer and going to shoot some pool. I was a bad friend, and didn't show up on St. Patricks day to take him out, so i think that i might be able to make it up to him. Well, Mr. J is sleeping (at 10 o'clock at night) even tho he doesn't have to work tomorrow morning. We chatted up in his room for a bit, but he was half passed out still, so I let him get back to dreamland. FUck. So here I am, not sure what to do with myself. Deena has too much going on with the show for me to rant to her... Sara just moved to Lansing... Crystal and Lisa are down at our place in Detroit... lil Meg is in Lansing...lil sis just went up north for the night with Eddie and doug.... Jay is passed out.... and frankly, I fucking give up. So i come home. Which is where i'm currently at, venting all of my frustrations. Dave called. A bunch of them are going out to Hamilton Street tonight, but seeing as how i was just there a few hours ago and my car got broken into, I'm not particularly feeling inclined to go back anytime. Besides that, now that i'm home, I'm already in a shitty frame of mind, and I'd probably end up bringing everyone else down if i went out tonight. Sean is trying to cheer me up on IM right now. He thinks we should have sex. I told him thanks for trying, but if i haven't slept with him yet, it's not going to happen now, on the shittiest night of my life. Ah, another one of my fucking rants.....
Cowboy... yeah, so i fucked up. I didn't tell him that i was leaving for arizona for a month. Big deal. We go that long between visits anyway. Ever since he took the job in Grand Rapids in October, we've rarely had an opportunity for him to come visit, or for me to go there. I went out there once, he came to Detroit a few times, and up to Saginaw once. He's busy, i[m busy. He's the one who took the job. Not to mention the fact that the one time i drove out to GR to see him as a surprise, the red headed slut was out with him. So that was kinda the end of things... but not really. He still came to see me after that, we still talked on the phone all the time, and whever we talked or saw each other, it was as if nothing had changed. Son of a bitch. This long distance shit just doens't get it.
I decide i'm not telling him that I'm taking off to AZ, but Lisa and Crystal decided to take care of that for me. They let him know almost a month before I left. Feb. 4th was my birthday, my flight out there was scheduled for the 5th. The plan this going away/birthday party for the night of the 4th, once i get back to Detroit from Saginaw. SHortly after i get to the bar, i find myself blindfolded and handcuffed to a chair, and i have no friggin idea what's going on. Long story short, Cowboy had driven in from G.R. to be my birthday present. Yeah, too bad i was far too shitfaced to do anything that night except get sick. My roommates decided to get me trashed, and had me doing shots of clear tequila and vodka, while they did shots of water. Assholes.
Anway, Cowboy and I talk on the phone for the month that I'm out in AZ. My last 5 days out there, however, we didn't. Either he was busy, and only talked for a second or two, or if i tried calling, he didn't answer the voicemail i left. Whatever. Figured he's busy. If he has the time/inclination to call, he will.
Yeah, a few days after I'm back in Saginaw, I finally get a call from him. Didn't answer the phone cause i was busy with something, but when i check the voicemail, it's him taking a nice stroll down memory lane, recounting all these great times we had. Then before he hangs up, tells me how much he loves me. Fucking cripe. I swear. This back and forth bullshit is not getting it. "hey, i'm too busy to talk to you for a week and half, but I love you and miss you..." what the fuck.
My head hurts. I never used to cry. For years, I didn't cry. Most of high school, actually. And when i say never, I mean, I could count the occasions and not use all of my fingers. From eighth grade until I graduated. Lately, I've been a fucking wreck. Ever since we lost my grandma last year, it's went steadily down hill. Like i said, that damn wrecking ball won't fucking go away.
Well, I think my steam has finally started to wear off for the night. I haven't posted in months, and this is how I come back. How shitty. My apologies, if anyone actually read this. And i know that there are tons of people out there who have problems that make mine seem like a broken nail, and after writing this, I'm comprehending that a bit better. Time for me to go crash now. Need to get up early and go to the hospital. This entry has ended. Go in relief, and hopfully your day was better than mine.
Nite.