Confused

[m808btank]

I...I do not know who I am, and it scares me. I know what I am called: "Sheila", though Caboose refers to me as "big tank lady". I do not know what to make of this. I cannot even project an image of myself; how can I, when I do not know who that is? Nevermind that I do not have the techonological capacities to do so. It is the principle of the

Comments

[pvt_church]

"Yo. Sheila."

Church ambles toward her from the side, and swings himself up to a rock next to one of her front treads, but respectfully not touching or staring at them.

"Wanna talk about it?"

[m808btank]

She is startled by Church's presence. "Church! I was...I do not...I don't know," she trails off finally in an unsuccessful attempt to keep her voice calm and level. She turns her turrett to face him, know that, if she had a face and a body, tears would be shining in her eyes.

[pvt_church]

"Oh, come on. There's gotta be SOMETHING. I mean, unless you really are human and surf the crimson tide." Church scratches the back of his head, trying to figure out a way to get the issue out. "How about this? What was it you looked at that made you want to run back here? What triggered your mood swing?"

[m808btank]

Sheila feels hesitant to answer, but forces herself to. "I...I have been alone here for so long. I know that my memory processors have been deteriorating-I am surprised I have lasted as long as I have, being built by the lowest bidder." She vocalizes a sigh, realizing just how much of herself she is showing to this teammate for whom's death she is responsible.

"When everyone returned, I...I felt things I had not felt in so many, many years. Companionship, mostly, and I started wondering..."

[pvt_church]

"Yeah?" Church urges. When faced with quiet, he sighs. "I can't help you if you're not gonna let me. You know we've got one of the Reds on our team now, right? He's good with the techy stuff, and he can try to fix you. Hell, the Sarge dude over on the other side could probably fix you right up himself. Or Lopez. We've got better supplies now than we did way back when, right? We'll get you back in gear." Church coughs. "Well, I mean... it was a figure of speech." He scratches his head. "Uhh. Yeah. Anyway, I don't know shit about how to fix a tank, but until we get you fixed, you can talk to me if you want to, got it?"

[m808btank]

She nods her turret, feeling a little relieved. "Thank you, Church. I...appreciate it." After waiting for a moment, she turns to face back out over the canyon. "Sometimes, I just wish...that I could give everyone some image other than...this. I know what I am, but I do not know who I am." She turns back to the human sitting next to her. "Can you help me, Church?"

[pvt_church]

"Well, if it helps, you started out as Phyllis.' Church cracks a grin and chuckles dryly. "Yeah, sorry. I mean, I can try. I'm not so good at psychology, either, but. Uhh. Sure." Church mulls over this for a few seconds. This is gonna be tricky, and if therapy back home was any indication, it'll take a looooong time. But as long as it gets their tank working and happy, it's worth it, right? "Soooo... what kinds of things do you like? Do you have any sensors that process anything besides your audio-visual fields?"

[m808btank]

Sheila takes a moment to think over Church's questions, knowing that however painful they are to answer, it is for the best. "I like...companionship. It was so lonely while everyone was gone." She holds back on the emotion in her words, pausing for a moment. When she regains her composure, Sheila continues. "My builders gave me a program that allows me to experience a moderate amount of human emotion. This is one part of my programming that feels as if it has grown stronger over the years."

[pvt_church]

Church nods. "You know, Sheila, one of the major things that marks our individual identities is our need for companionship. For a lot of us humans, you don't really know who you are until you know who you're with. And while some of us DO know who we are on our own, we still figure we need someone around to drive us forward and make us miserable until we achieve our own ends- preferably with the someone still around to tell us what a good job we did." Church blinks, not used to talking so much without swearing. He's surprised by the fact that he sounds like he knows what he's talking about. "So anyway, if you got left alone the whole time, you might have developed a kind of subconscious that started telling you that what you need is someone to drive you. Uhh." He coughs. "That probably wasn't the best metaphor. But you get it, right?"

[m808btank]

"I...yes, Church." Sheila notices that she actually is feeling better, thanks to Church's kind and understanding manner. "When everyone returned," she continues, her voice soft, "I realized just how alone I was. You all can take off your armor-even you, now, Church. I have only one physical presentation, and I do not feel that it is truly me."

[pvt_church]

"Yeah, well, none of us are too pretty, to be honest." Church grins ruefully. "I've got an idea," he muses. "You don't have one of those little hologram thingies, do you? We could request one and a stripped programmable AI chip with basic coding from Command, and install it on you. That way you can fuck with it and pretty yourself up however you want, after we install it. You gotta be careful though, because those things break if you so much as look at'em cross-eyed." Church pats the end of Sheila's turret. "How's that sound? Then Lopez can go apeshit all over again."

[m808btank]

"I think I would like that very much." Sheila can't help but feel excited about the possiblity of having a presentable image to show her friends and teammates. She laughs weakly. "Thank you, Church."

[pvt_church]

"No problem," assures Church. "To be honest, I'm kind of curious as to what you'll come up with." He grins. "You'll be naked, right?"

[m808btank]

Sheila lowers her turret threateningly at him. "Church..." she trails off, her tone that of an annoyed female.

[pvt_church]

"hey, now! I was kidding, okay?" Church raises his hands in surrender. "Sense of humor's also a good part of who we are, you know."

[m808btank]

Sheila chuckles softly, lifting her turret slightly. "As long as you are not at all serious about it." She sighs, a happy sigh. "I feel much better now. Thank you, again."