Nowhere Else to Turn

[m4moony]

Date: Late August 1998
Time: A short time before Midnight
Character(s) Involved: Remus & Tonks
Complete or Incomplete: Complete
Rating: PG but may increase as it goes

Comments

[nymphadorauror]

Tonks’ jerked out of the faint sleep she was in, sitting upright from her slumped position on the couch with a startle. She hadn’t remembered falling asleep, and it showed as there was a mess of papers over the blanket covering her lap, and the small lamp to her right was still on. She pushed the papers off her lap onto the floor, and removed the blue blanket from her body as she stood; somehow knowing something woke her up but not being able to figure out what. She stumbled to the nearest window, weary and half asleep, and casually checked the darkness for who knows what. But she didn’t have time to move anywhere else about the house, for her eyes caught sight of a darkened figure standing near the doorway- at least she thought it was someone standing there. Her blurry vision made her doubt her questionable mind.

Tonks walked to the door and broke out her wand, but before she would remove the charm placed upon it- something her father insisted the family use on the door for extra security, not that it would really work well- she pressed her face close to the door.

“Who’s there?” She asked, “I’ve seen you from the window.” Her face turned so an ear would be ready to deliver an answer before she would willingly open and receive the late guest. At this hour- I hardly think a Death Eater would wish to spark up conversation, but they are a desperate group nonetheless. Merlin! What time is it exactly?!

[m4moony]

Remus could make out the sounds of someone moving about on the other sound of the door and when her voice came to him, it was not difficult to hear the sleep still in it. Gods! He'd woken her. What time was it, anyway? It must be late. The Moon was high in the sky and just starting to drift toward the western horizon.

"'Dora?" He knew his voice was broken and low, but in the stillness of the night around him, it sounded to his sensitive ears as though he was shouting loud enough to wake the neighbors.

"'Dora, it's me. Remus." He leaned his head by the door in an attempt to soften the carriage of his voice beyond her stoop. I'm sorry for waking you. I...I don't know where else to go."

He couldn't blame her for being cautious in these times. He'd have been more worried about her living alone, despite her occupation, if she wasn't cautious. But a part of him wished she would hurry up and let him in. He was on the verge of a breakdown and he only hoped he could put it off until he was inside.

[nymphadorauror]

“Remus.” Tonks whispered as she backed away from the door, blinking and jerking her head in an odd way. Her senses were smacked awake with a shock, as if the name alone was a snap back into alert mode. She took a step backwards, nicking a heel against a table leg from a small table that sat below the coat rack, and aimed her wand at the door. Under cursing breath of pain from her foot, she removed the charm with a swish of her hand, and then stumbled to the door and drew it open.

“Come in, come in…” Tonks whispered as she leaned herself out of the doorway. She quickly placed her wand back into the pocket of which she had found it in, resting comfy within the deep pocket of the overly large, blue, cardigan she had on- over a white shirt. Her now free hand reached out to him as the other drew the door open further, while she enticed him to enter quickly.

“Are you alright? What’s happened?” She was already calculating why he came by, and if an emergency of some measure would be soon to follow. An Auror's instinct perhaps, but also because of their history together. She hadn’t seen much of Remus as of late; their time spent in the same company was running thin. She wanted to be happy to see him, but how he looked in her eyes at that instant, under the darkness, was frightening.

[m4moony]

"Yes...no..." Stepping into the room behind her Remus shook his head -- more to clear it of the images that wouldn't stop than to confirm or deny his own state of mind. Remus had rarely felt so lost. Not since he thought he'd lost all of his brothers in the span of two days seventeen years ago. Even losing Sirius two years ago had stung more of betrayal.

"I'm sorry, 'Dora," he said again. "I just...I can't make it stop. Everytime I close my eyes, I see him lying there...hear his voice...taunting..."

He was babbling. He was babbling and he barely realized it. The need for revenge had vanished in the moment the body had landed with a soft, sickening thumb upon the lawn of the Shrieking Shack. He'd felt the wolf inside snarl in satisfaction even as he collapsed to his knees in sorrowful defeat.

"I'm the last." Soft brown eyes which were normally filled with such warmth sought hers with feverish desperation. "I am the last of us and it's because I killed him."

[nymphadorauror]

Tonks kept a serious eye on Remus as he entered, and spoke, trying to not miss a clue to what was going on. She quickly closed the door, turned a lock instead of charming it, and then reached up with a hand to touch Remus’ bicep closest to her. Tonks listened, and began to feel a tug inside her chest that wished to drag her heart into the pit of her stomach. It was hard to grasp at first, but then as Remus talked, her breath ran short and her heart dropped from the realization and empathy. She pressed her hand gently against his arm, holding it there for a moment as she came to understand, and then slowly raised her touch until it rested behind his shoulder. Her hand instinctively drew him close, putting pressure against the back of his shoulder to either lead him elsewhere instead of near the door- or into a warm embrace. The last of his words made Tonks wish to hug him, wanting to hold him tightly until the pain had stopped within him, and his eyes dug knives into hers.

“Sssshhhh… hey…” She started; first trying to stop him from hurting himself more with the words that flowed out of his lips, and then went about wanting to clarify a few things.
“…Hey, …it’s alright…please- no…no more.” She put pressure against his shoulder quite urgently as her other hand went to grasp at one of his, wanting so much to just stop everything he was feeling and thinking with her touch, as she whispered the softest of voices.

[m4moony]

It didn't take much for her to lead him with her touch. It would not have taken much to lead him anywhere. Wrapping both arms around her smaller frame, he accepted the warm comfort she offered. He couldn't cry. He'd tried. But, the tears had never come. He couldn't seem to let himself grieve when there was so much shame. Part of him felt he had no right to grieve when the loss came at his hand.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, over and over. Though, if he was apologizing to 'Dora for interupting her sleep or Peter for taking his life, he couldn't have said. "I'm sorry."

How long he stood there, holding her close and listening to the soothing sound of her voice -- though he couldn't really make out her words in his pain -- he had no idea. But, eventually, the raw confusion and helplessness seemed to ebb under the balm which was the simple knowledge that another human being cared. Very few people had ever seen him when he was this way. Even Harry had never seen him at his lowest. His instinct was usually to remove himself from people until his emotional turmoil had passed.

"I'm sorry, 'Dora. You have enough going on, I'm sure, without me bringing this to you as well." Squeezing her gently, he stepped back so he could look down upon her concerned face. "I'll understand if you need me to go now."

[nymphadorauror]

Tonks held Remus in a tight embrace, leaning against him and angled up to help the height difference between them, as time seemed to stop. Her mind had been cluttered that day with work and Order business, making her arrive at home late that night to do more work into the early hours of the morning, but she had not gotten far before she fell asleep. Now that Remus was there, under her roof and in her arms, nothing else was taking precedence over him. Her heart fluttered quickly within the confined space of her chest, surging into her mind a deep relief to see him after all the time that they’ve spent apart from one another. Yet it also suffered greatly to see him in the way she did, and made her breath short with worry and pain, playing a tug of war with her emotions. She squeezed him tighter, trying to help her emotions get a grasp on things as she heard him speak apologetically.

If I could strip you bare of all this pain… please let it be tonight.
Her mind began to wish for things she did not feel in control of, even considering the history they had. Sure she had helped him, as he did for her when Sirius died, but that was something of a mutual standing. When Sirius died, their comfort within each other was something very easily relatable and understood, even if Tonks had begun to feel more than Remus when it was all said and done. Tonks was comforting Remus again, but this time it was a little bit harder to grasp- for the depths of which Remus felt, Tonks already knew she wouldn’t quite understand.

When he backed out of her embrace, and spoke his words that picked into Tonks’ heart with knifes, she confirmed what she assumed. How could he even dream of saying that to her, now- after all that has been going on? How could he possibly think she would turn him out and be rid of him so quickly? It was hard to control the offence she felt against his words, especially having to fight between being happy to see him and being worried sick. In fact, she worried more now, after all he said.

“Remus… please do not assume to know what I need at this moment, because you’d find yourself to be the fool.”
Her voice was soft, but monotone and serious, putting the only effort to her upset disposition in the word ‘need’. She was in need, but not for him to leave. Anything, but for him to leave, even if it meant having to deal with more offensive apologies.

“I’ve locked the door, so I hope you’ll stay a while and let me get you something to drink- or eat… or lay down on. Anything Remus…. I’m not letting you out of this house- not yet.” She moved close to him again and gave him a hug, rather quickly, as if she was afraid he would apparate on the spot.

[m4moony]

"I would never dream of assuming where you are concerned, 'Dora." Remus chuckled softly, dropping a gentle kiss onto the top of her head. "You're far too much like your cousin to make that feasible in the least."

Disentangling himself from her attempt to chain him there with hugs, he mustered a sad sort of smile as he cupped her cheek tenderly with one hand. His own emotions were confused and questionable when it came to this little witch. He knew he cared for her, but wondered how much of the weird attraction which ebbed and flowed between them was real and how much was a fabrication of his desperate need to feel connected to someone, anyone who would see him for the man and not the wolf, who he could lean on as much as he was there to be leaned on. They'd been given little chance to find out with war pulling them both in two different directions.

He loved her, couldn't imagine losing the friendship he knew they did have. But was he in love with her?

"Thank you," he said quietly, setting those questions aside as unanswerable for the moment. It was useless trying to figure out if he loved someone else, even this vibrantly alive woman in front of him, if he was currently filled with so much self-loathing it threatened to choke him. "As long as you insist, I think tea and your company are exactly what I need right now."

He stepped back, glancing around the room for the first time and catching a glimpse of the disarray near the sofa.

"Although, I've obviously interupted either work, a nap, or a working nap." The first glimmer of good humor he'd experienced all evening demonstrated its appearance in the warm glow which crept back into his eyes. Now that the worst of his torment seemed to have passed...at least for the moment...he could acknowledge rationally that this seemed to be something he needed to talk out, something he couldn't simply internalize and hope it would fade. And if he was going to reveal that darkest part of himself to anyone, it should be the person who had already seen him through some of his darkest points in recent years and not run screaming in the other direction.

[nymphadorauror]

If at that moment things were different, less weary and painful for the man standing near her doorway, Tonks wouldn’t have been able to control her happiness. Remus’ kiss to her head, even though it was not the action she would have hoped for in the deepest recesses of her mind, that coupled with his comment about being like Sirius, would have made her beam with a small sense of pride and resolve if the tone of things weren’t so dark. She lifted her head to stare at him- solid brown eyes took in his face, as if she had never seen him before that exact moment, and wished to memorize his features into memory. The worry within her surely was masking the other feelings she felt, Tonks hoped secretly, but then she felt his hand against her cheek. It melted away her concern, for a fleeting moment, and gave her a glimpse of the feelings she had, that have been tucked away behind a locked door- only ever being brought into light by the key she had given to Remus the night she had wished to give him her heart- so many years ago.

She saw within his dark eyes an equal pain that had matched his words earlier that evening. Tonks couldn’t help it as her eyebrows arched, and her forehead wrinkled, again plastering her ache to help him about the frame of her face. The colors of purple within her pulled back hair, could not even help brighten her expression that molded over. Even as he released his hand from her cheek, and the warmth of his rough hand did not fade, she still was drained of an expressed happiness when she looked into Remus’ eyes. She wished more than ever that she’d see them brighten, and perhaps glimmer one day, the way she had seen them a few times in the past. No matter who caused it, even if they did not sparkle when looking at her in the manner she always wished he would, she only wanted to see them filled with something better, than the sadness that spilled from them.

“Tea it is…” She whispered at him, unaware of how quiet her voice was sounding. She cleared her throat, and tore her strong stare away from his face, as he moved from where they stood and observed her living quarters. She would have headed for the kitchen straight away- as if she was finally given a deeper purpose in life than all of the Ministry work and Order missions she had been issued- but instead followed Remus to see what he was talking about.

“Oh- well… here let me move this all out of the way.” She made a mad dash past him, not wanting him to even think about concerning himself with her other duties- for as far as she was concerned, he was the most important. She bent down and gathered up the papers she had scattered to the floor, collecting them into a heap of disarray within her arms and then tossed them onto an empty chair near the front window that she had gazed out of when Remus arrived. Tonks looked up at Remus and gave him a sliver of a smirk, still too worried for him to be a ball of playful energy.

“I had fallen asleep on the couch, trying to read up on some really boring stuff for the Ministry. But before you say you are sorry for waking me- again…I’ll be getting that tea for us.” She pointed behind him, motioning to the open doorway opposite the living room, which was spilt apart by the area of the entrance.

“Actually- we both can go into the kitchen together if you like, so’s I can hear that apology better. There’s a poor attempt of a table set in there you could sit at, but the couch is more comfortable.” Tonks walked toward Remus, and offered a soft smile, as she tried to keep his humour in the light a little bit longer, least until he found that was not an easy feat. She caught something in his eye, something different than the pain that flowed, and it made her smile grow warmer.

[m4moony]

If Remus saw the warring sparks of hope and resignation in her eyes, he did not acknowledge it consciously. He knew what she wanted of him. He remembered the night before he went underground with Fenrir's pack, the night she'd first declared her feelings. He remembered the hurt and pain in her eyes when he again rejected her in fron of their friends in the hospital wing the previous summer. But he couldn't be that man for her, not right now. One battle at a time. Even though the war seemed to be constantly presenting him with another battle to take precedence over the one he saw in her face, he was only human...or as human as current werewolf legislation would allow. And that in itself was an entirely different argument.

Of course, he followed her, bent to help her gather up the various pages of her paperwork which were scattered about. He may have been an emotional wreck at the moment, but some behaviors were simply built into his genetic make-up. Chivalry may be dying in the Muggle world, but it was alive and well in the person of Remus Lupin.

"Don't worry. I won't apologize again. I am exceedingly sorry for waking you up. Work can't be easy for you in these times. But, I'm not foolish enough to insult your good nature by arguing against it."

Depositing the pages he had managed to gather on top of the pile she created in the chair, Remus answered her soft smile with a playful, if half-hearted tweak of her amethyst ponytail. If nothing else, he needed this, needed this reminder of the gentler things in life, needed to look into the eyes of another and know they did not see the monster he saw in his own mirror.

"I'll tell you what," he continued, looping a casual arm over her shoulders in order to keep that human contact he so desperately craved. "Why don't I come in the kitchen and give you a hand with the tea. Then we can come out here where it's more comfortable to drink it?"

[nymphadorauror]

Tonks reached up with a hand, gripping Remus’ hand that resting over her shoulder, and gave it a light squeeze. Her other arm sneaked behind him to embrace him around the waist area, as her head had inclined and turned to look at him.

“You make it sound as if I can’t handle the simple task of brewing tea Remus.” She teased softly as the smile that had rested along her lips, kept a firm hold over her expression.

“I may not be a great housekeeper, or cook, …but tea’s easy.” She added with a gentle squeeze at his waist with her arm, leaning into him playfully.
Tonks couldn’t help herself, when she was spending time with Remus- even when their initial meeting was as serious as one could get, she felt happy to be near him and it wouldn’t disperse. Unless he would wish to leave soon, and steal away his presence once more for an unclosed amount of time, Tonks was allowing her happiness to poke through her worry for the moment. She tried her best to keep her feelings caged, and only allow her concern and friendship to shine through, but her smile -the one that was persistently stubborn- drew forth the disclosed emotions she felt when near him.

With their arms looped about each other, she led Remus toward the kitchen, keeping little distance between them, as if she could hold him like this forever. Once they made it inside the kitchen- which was rectangular with the cooking area to their left, and a small space to the right holding just the table and two chairs she had mentioned earlier, she went to break away from his arm but stopped herself to squeeze him again.

“Work is not easy… I won’t deceive you- but I… I know… I mean, I think you look like you’ve seen worse than my fair share of stress.”
She wanted to remain close when she told him her thoughts- knowing already that it could end the small playfulness they shared and start a new mess of things. She had no mind to dance around the issue- Remus did look like he had far worse to handle than she ever could dream of.

[m4moony]

As she expected, the burgeoning playfulness of the conversation evaporated at the reminder of what had brought him there so late in the evening. Feeling unworthy of the easy affection between them, when he was sure what he was about to say would change the way she looked at him forever, he squeezed her shoulders lightly before pulling away to allow her to start the tea.

His original intent was to search out a couple of teacups for their use. But, if he now thought this conversation would be better if he didn't punctuate his tale with the crashing of china. So, insead, he moved to the wall nearest the table where he would be out of her way, but still in the kitchen with her.

"Maybe not stress, but I've certainly done something that hasn't made sleeping at night easy of late."

Taking a shuddering breath, he ran a quaking hand through golden brown locks which were more faded and grey of late than anything else. By the Gods this was harder than he'd anticipated. Even if he wasn't in love with this woman, he couldn't stand the thought of seeing the horror in her eyes when she realized what he'd done.

"It's Peter." He couldn't bring himself to use the boyhood nickname his former mate had born during their days as the Marauders. That name had been forever sullied through use amoung the other Death Eaters. "I was so angry...angry at his betrayal, angry for Sirius' loss, James, Lily. Everyone treats what I did like some fantastic act of heroism. 'Good one Remus. You gave him what he deserved. He was a Death Eater and couldn't be allowed to live.'"

The resurrgence of emotion threatened to overwhelm him as he spoke. His voice grew thick and he had begun pacing, almost as if he thought he could excorise his personal demons by the repetetive action.

"He was my friend, 'Dora. He was my friend and I tracked him down, fought him, and finally killed him. But before that I...I used..." He stopped, unable to go on. It wasn't enough to admit to murdering a man he'd once called brother in their youth. But he couldn't bring himself to admit he'd first weakened him in the most horrid way he knew how.

[nymphadorauror]

As they released their hold on one another, Tonks took uneasy sideway steps toward the cabinets at her left, as she attempted to keep Remus in view, at her right. With one foot stepping over another, and then weaving the opposite way, she listened to Remus when he spoke- almost tripping on her own two feet in the process. She should have known better than to try and walk the way she had, as she twisted her torso and shoulders to stare at Remus, but her thoughts were focused elsewhere.
Merlin! You look like you haven’t slept in days- I hope it hasn’t been days…
She stumbled a bit to try and not fall on her face, and then hurriedly walked the rest of the way -just a few steps mind you- to the counters without the fancy footwork.

Once she finally reached the cupboards, and started to fish through them above her head-, which was a slight stretch because of her height, she had to concentrate on what she was doing and couldn’t keep her eyes on her friend. She only was able to listen- and listen as well as she possibly could- to all that Remus said. Just as soon as she collected the necessary items for the tea and had them ready on the counter, she was forced to stop, and give Remus a confused look by leaning away from the sink and over her shoulder.

She couldn’t believe her eyes when she saw him pacing, coupled with what he said earlier, and what was now spilling forth from his lips.
Yes… you did kill him- but you just don’t want to weight it out against what he’s done and who he’s killed.

Tonks was waiting for him to finish- to continue that which he was going to say, only because of the few words he had said before his pause, struck her with scared curiosity.
She had an idea about what Remus was going to say, and Tonks wondered if she could actually be right. Used what? What did you use Remus… what? You got to tell me… Her mind pleaded at him as she inched slowly away from the sink- keeping her eyes on him without falter.

“You- you don’t have to tell me Remus…. Not if this is hard- and by the look on your face… I’d say it’s not easy.”
Her words defied her mind’s will, and so did her heart. She did not want to push him further- to give him shoves and jolts to find out information when it was doing something to him from the inside out. She cared too much to instigate him further.

[m4moony]

Unconsciously, Remus' hand went to the burn at his throat, fingers tracing the raw flesh through cloth of his shirt. It had been self-defense. But even in self-defense it was forbidden. It was inherent in the term.

"I...I'm afraid to tell you," he choked out. He ceased his pacing them and backed away from her, shaking his head in denial and supplication, until he tripped over one of the kitchen chairs. The force wasn't enough to knock him to the floor, but he did sit down rather abruptly, the look of wild desperation back in his eye.

"I don't want you to hate me for what I did," he said quietly. "I already hate myself."

[nymphadorauror]

Like a shadow, she followed, lingering near Remus until he backed away from her. Afraid to tell me? You’ve never been afraid to tell things before Remus- What have you done??
Tonks was stunned as she watched him fumble away, trip, and then collapse with defeat right before her eyes. Her heart pounded senselessly in her chest; she was anxious and scared all at the same time, even as her feet maneuvered her closer to him. Her eyes would not stop staring at him, trying to find something within his face, posture, or actions that would tell Tonks his secrets, but nothing was coming to her.

It was her emotions, as they took control of her mind’s confusion, that ushered her to crouch down in front of the man who was now babbling on about hate. If he was worried about Tonks hating him, then Remus was either was not right within his mind- which was what Tonks assumed by her observations of him- or he had done something horrible wrong. But could she really have hate for the man whom she dreamt about being with, within the fairytales of her mind?
I’ve wanted to hate you- so many times before- but didn't. I cannot stop my dreams… my hopes…. I don’t think I could ever bring myself to hate you.

She slowly reached out, as if she was scared he’d try to stray away from her touch by another feat of desperation and move about, while she squatted in front of him to keep his face in range of hers.

“Remus…” She whispered. Her voice carried out her worry and her pain to see and hear him in such a manner, shaking slightly from the fright of it all.

“Remus, It’s me- Tonks…. You know, the girl you’ve known for quite some time now.” She continued, her voice pleading with him to listen as it strung out the facts of the matter.

“I could never hate you….. never.” She choked up- almost on the verge of tears, as she told him just a generalized version of how she’d feel for him, and not feel. What was hurting her- beyond the words she spoke- was the realization of what he had said previous to her reply. He did not want Tonks to hate him, and the fact that Remus thought she might, and was obviously distressed about it, made her want to cry.

[m4moony]

He didn't want to lose her friendship, that gift which was so precious to him regardless of anything else that may or may not happen between them. He'd seen too many walk away from him because of what he was. He couldn't endure it if she did now. But, there was something in those over bright eyes, begging him to trust her, which seemed to pull the story from him without him consciously willing it to happen.

It had been towards the end of that battle. Neville had somehow managed to apprehend Bellatrix and that seemed to encourage the Death Eaters to flee. At least, those Remus had been fighting seemed to decide it was no longer worth it. As he parried a final parting curse one of them fired at him, Remus caught sight of a figure he had not personally seen in a very long time -- Peter Pettigrew.

Peter was trying to sneak off away from the main battle. He hadn't changed forms. If Remus had taken the time to think about it, he should have realized it was a trap. But all he knew was the old anger and betrayal which had taken up residence in his heart years ago and hardened with time. Peter was in his sights and Remus was not going to allow him to escape him yet again.

The moon that night was almost full and it was no trouble for Remus to slip away from the main battle to follow his former mate to the edge of town and up a very familiar path. It was almost amusing that Peter would lead him here. How fitting this battle should take place on the lawn in front of the Shrieking Shack.

"Come out and play, Remus?" The old familiar nasal quality had never left Peter's voice. If anything, Remus thought it might have gotten worse. "I know you're there, watching me. Don't you have anything to say to an old friend?"

"Friend?" Remus growled, stepping from behind the tree he had used to conceal himself as he tracked the rat here, wand pointed dangerously at Peter's chest. "You have a strange way of showing friendship, Peter."

"Not any stranger than the rest of you, so smug and superior. I thought you at least might have understood." Peter was walking towards him with a slow deliberance, always keeping one hand hidden from view in the folds of his robes. "You were flawed, like me. You were supposed to understand. James and Sirius only kept us around because we were useful."

"It was you who never understood, Peter. We were your friends. James and Sirius, Lily, they were your friends. Any one of us would have gladly died to protect you as much as any other of us. but you let jealousy blind you and repaid their love by selling us all out to Voldemort!"

Words were pointless. They'd covered this territory four years ago when Sirius escaped from Azkaban, the night Peter had run squeeling back to the enemy. Remus knew what Peter was hiding. Did the traitor really think Harry wouldn't have told someone about Peter's new hand? A silver hand for the man who would betray a werewolf.

Taking the initiative, Remus cast a binding spell. Before he died, the rat should learn what tweleve years in Azkaban felt like, twelve years which should have been his by right.

But Peter was unaffected.

"You can't touch me, Remus. Only a truly dark curse could break through my Master's protections. A gift for bringing him a new pet to break."

Impossible! There wasn't a shield that could do that. Was there?

Of course not. Peter was bluffing. Remus just had to determine what spell the lying bastard had used.

But his moment of indecision cost him for that was when Peter chose to rush him, revealing the true gift of his Master, the reward he'd been given for his fresh betrayals.

The silver fingers closed around Remus' throat, searing the flesh in the instant they touched. Without thinking, Remus reached for those fingers to pry them from his skin before the silver touched so much as a shallow cut to send its deadly poison through his bloodstream. Screaming in pain from the fresh burns upon his palm he dropped his hand almost immediately.