Nowhere Else to Turn

[m4moony]

Date: Late August 1998
Time: A short time before Midnight
Character(s) Involved: Remus & Tonks
Complete or Incomplete: Complete
Rating: PG but may increase as it goes

Comments

[nymphadorauror]

Tonks pushed herself off the floor, shortly after Remus fled from their closeness, and shoved the chair in front of her with an angry fit. She was in mental anguish, hearing him speak about his wrongs, and his own appointed titles, like it didn’t mean a thing to let her hear it. When the words she spoke came out, it was fast and furious.

“Right Remus- You are a Monster. Is that what you want to hear?! Is IT?! Would putting you in Azkaban, and letting you stay there to rot, going to make you feel better?! You should be commended for one death while Peter was not?! You wanted to allow him to make peace with himself, like the way he gave everyone he came into contact with a chance?!
--Just like he let that Diggory boy plead a case before he killed him -- Just like he didn’t tell Voldemort where his friends were-- Just like he took the blame for their deaths and kept Sirius out of Azkaban!?
Oh but- BUT- he was not a monster right? He was better than you are! He was a civilized human being with feelings and a conscience, out there probably picking flowers for the graves he dug!”

She yelled out, obviously upset about what he was saying. Tonks turned from looking in the opposite direction of Remus- not wanting to yell at him, but to him- and saw him against the wall, crying loudly into his hands. This sight stabbed her quick and hard, making her pause to try to breathe as she shook with anger. His crying made her chin quiver, her eyes squint, and tears stream down her cheeks.

“I won’t do it Remus- I won’t judge you… and tell you the same thing you already think about of yourself… I WON’T!”
She paused as she stared at Remus with hurt, pained eyes that would not stop expressing her heartache.

“He may not have been a threat to anyone after the curse you gave him- you say you ‘wanted’ to kill him- two wrongs don’t make a right…. You wanted his blood. You hated him. I suppose then Harry should also be condemned when he kills Voldemort- cause I certainly don’t think Harry will show Voldemort justice or mercy, or let him come to peace to that which that man has done. But what would I know…. I’m just a silly little girl- just an innocent witch with no thoughts of killing anyone- and Bellatrix and I are going to be great friends.”

Her position was frozen, never moving closer to Remus, or doing any other destruction to any items in the kitchen as she finished her retort. She just stared at Remus, her jaw tense and her body shaking, looking at the man she cared for more than anyone else through watery tears. She wanted to touch him, hold him- love him… but he kept arguing and backing away from her attempts to be there… so arguing back and fighting for her beliefs on his actions was all she left to was left to do, even if it would cost a lot more than the tears she freely spilt.

[m4moony]

"It's not the same," he said miserably, still not looking up at her. "Harry...it won't be the same. He never loved Voldemort. Voldemort never spent two years learning dangerous and illicit magic just to aid Harry. Voldemort has to die or he'll continue to keep coming back, raising followers until he brings the wizarding world to its knees. There is no other way. Harry has no choice. He truly has no choice."

Defending Harry. If anything was guaranteed to snap Remus out of a fit, that was it. He knew too much about what Harry had to do. He wouldn't let anyone, even 'Dora, cast that in any sort of shadow beyond what it was. Perhaps irrationally, Remus wouldn't hear a word against Harry, even if those words were meant to bring him out of his own self-torment.

Raising his head, raw, haunted eyes gazed defiantly up at the diminutive spitfire he'd come to for comfort.

"It's not the same. Harry has no choice. I had a choice." This was something he'd been trying t make her understand for years -- the difference between Remus Lupin the man and Remus Lupin the werewolf.

"I had the choice to wallk away and let him live, pay for his crimes. But I gave in to the animal. No matter what you want to make yourself believe, 'Dora. Part of me is an animal. The wolf is always with me, not just at the Full Moon. Always. There are times when it is a day-to-day struggle to be the man and not the beast.

"How do you think Greyback got to be what he is? He has chosen to let that beast have dominion even when he walks as a man. You saw what he did to Bill Weasley. Was that the work of a man? And that same beast, the very same beast, lives inside me. Every act of senseless violence, needless destruction of life feeds that beast and makes it that much harder to stop the next time."

Standing shakily, Remus crossed the room to stand in front of her. His hands came up to grasp her shoulders in what he hoped was a gentle grip as he tried to find that point of connection which would make her understand, make her see that it wasn't about what Peter had or hadn't done. It was about what he, Remus, was capable of.

"In the moment after Peter took his last breath, I loved him again. No matter what he has done since, he still will always be my fallen brother, 'Dora. He did something for me which was an unbelievable act of friendship. At one time, he was a good person. And I will always love him."

His voice crack with the emotions which were still bottling up inside him.

"Before that, when I killed him, I hated him, hated him beyond anything I've ever felt before and though I looked like a man, inside, I gave over control to something inhuman which lives inside of me. I don't want to ever become what Greyback has become. But in that instant, that is exactly what I did become. And that scares me, 'Dora. You won't ever know how badly that scares me."

[nymphadorauror]

Remus’ words first came to her out of defense, changing the subject toward Harry and Voldermort. She clenched her jaw and listened, trying to steady herself and the fire that was growing in her aching chest. Tonks’ breathing was increasingly violent, making her chest rise and fall dramatically, almost feeding the fires with each inhale. She defied the desire to argue further as she listened, only waiting to see where he’d go with all of it. Then Remus delivered his ultimate point- something that put out the fire that surged her insides with rage. He now debated against her words with his curse, flinging about the issues on how it would bring him to be like Greyback, or how it was his choice and he gave in to his inner ‘monster’. There was a deep sigh released through Tonks’ lips that carried with it a vacant defeat against his words on choices, and then a sharp inhale came quick to follow when he approached her.

Her eyes stared up into his for what seemed like eternity. His hands squeezed at her shoulders, making her body stop shaking from the chill it felt as her anger diminished. Remus’ voice sang her the song of a tune she rarely did hear, and was stricken with helpless anxiety. You will never understand me Remus, and I suppose you will never think I can understand you. How easily you forget that you stopped me from blaming myself over Sirius, or how you cherish and love so many people. How swiftly you cast aside your good deeds and great compassion, to feed your inner demon. You will never be like Greyback, and are more human than you’ll ever know- Out of stubbornness and guilt you punish and reprimand yourself, and any other who sees you for everything you are. Everything.

“Remus…” She finally spoke, and her tone was very shaky and weak.

“You’re right- it is not the same. Harry and Voldemort were never friends, and did not cherish each other at any point in their lives. Not like your past with Peter. I using them as an example to the fact that any thoughts of killing- or any deeds of murder are all equal- the act of taking another’s life is the same whether it be with a friend or foe… that action does not make you more of an animal than anyone else would become if they dealt out death.”

Tonks lifted a hand up toward Remus’ face to let him know she was not finished and to wait- as she caught some semblance of breath and heartbeats.

“I am never going to argue about understanding what it’s like to be… different.” She said, hesitantly, not wanting to say the word ‘werewolf’ or ‘cursed’ or anything that would deem his circumstance as a negative thing.

“I will never fully understand what it feels like, inside and out. I will never know what the animal within does to the mind, and soul. And as unjustly as you feel this is- what I am going to say- it still is going to be said.”
Tonks drug in another large breath, slightly struggling to even drag it through her lungs.

“You will never be anything like Greyback. Never. You love, hate, feel fear, have passions about certain things, and most importantly you care. Greyback does not- and maybe it is because he fed his demon and it took him over….and now you are afraid the same fate will happen to you when you 'choose' to do things that feed yours. But- how many unforgivable things has Remus Lupin done? How many lives have you taken? You- you save lives, you forgive even the worst of men, and you care so much about everyone and everything- there is little care for yourself. Course you are afraid- I would be too if I didn’t allow anything good to support me.”

Tonks started to cry again. Softly the tears built and watered over her steady stare into his eyes, then soon started to spill as her heart began to weep for this man before her. There was so many things inside Remus, so many emotions and experiences, that Tonks wished she could erase it all away. And worse off, that really pulled her into a heartache, was how this man viewed himself.

[m4moony]

It seemed like forever that they stood there just looking at each other. It was an eternity before she spoke. When she did, he felt a swift stab of disappointment. Here was one person whom he felt he could go to, talk to, someone he normally did not fear rejection from, and even she could not accept him fully. She couldn't even say the word 'werewolf'.

"I wish I could believe that," he said quietly, the fight draining out of him with the rise of his disappointment. "I really wish I could. But it's hard when I can feel that 'other' all the time."

He wished he could see himself as she saw him. But he knew what he'd done and that knowledge consumed him, haunted him in the dead of night and sent him on walkabout. Maybe he'd been right earlier. He shouldn't have come. All he'd managed to do was upset her and that wasn't what he'd wanted at all.

Gods, he felt so lost. He wondered how he could ever be found.

"Please don't, 'Dora." Drawing her closer, he held her tightly, as though he could stop her tears by wrapping her in his arms. "Please, don't cry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm sorry. I just...I don't know what I'm doing any more. I don't know how much longer I can keep going back to Greyback before I lose this battle with myself."

[nymphadorauror]

She slowly, painfully reached her arms up and wrapped them around Remus’ middle, while pressing her face against his chest firmly. Her breath paused after she stole a long inhale, as if the very act of embracing Remus was all she could afford to do, and breathing would hinder her actions. Slowly her grip relaxed and she found shallow breaths in the pattern of the quiet heartbeat she could hear, through the fabrics of Remus’ clothes.

Tonks removed one hand from Remus, and lifted it up to wipe the tears off her cheeks quickly as they spilt, then used those same fingers to cup her cheek- the same cheek his hand had been over just moments before all of this happened.

“No- no I’m sorry… you came to me for help- at my doorstep, and I’ve failed you. I cannot stop arguing and fighting your thoughts- I cannot just keep quiet and comfort you. You needed me- and not for a verbal bashing or self centered opinions.” Tonks said to Remus, with her head pressed against his chest sideways, and a hand to her cheek- her tone was weary and disgusted.

“I won’t let you get lost in the ‘battle’ or be defeated. I suppose that’s why I cannot help but fight- argue, I don’t want you to give up.”

She moved her head upwards, to try and look at his face- to see what she could with her eyes, without breaking their connection.

“You don’t cause the pain I feel- I cause it… because I care, so very much, and I’ll never stop.”

[m4moony]

Sighing softly, Remus continued to just hold her for a long time. He needed that contact, that gentle reminder of his own humanity. Her words touched him in a way very little had in the last few days and he knew exactly why his subconscious had led him there.

"No, 'Dora. You do comfort me. Just knowing I have you to turn to."

This much he knew was real. He may not trust that anything else wasn't just a by-product of the war and his need to connect with someone on a deeper level. But, this...knowing that he had one friend whose doorstep he could turn upon at the dead of night and be welcomed in...this was real.

There were always going to be things she couldn't understand, times they'd want to practically throttle one another. Yet, in some ways, he'd come to feel as close to her as he had Sirius or James -- and she reminded him of Sirius in so many ways!

His thumb brushed gently across her cheek as she looked up at him, carrying away the last trail of her tears.

"I won't give up. I promise."

[nymphadorauror]

“I hope you remember that Remus,” Tonks said quietly, as both of her hands now braced against his back. “I’ll be here for you, I’ll be by your side- as long as you let me.” And she squeezed him to confirm her words, letting him know they were quite sincere and heartfelt.

When he wiped away a lingering tear, and promised to not give up, her mouth curved into a faint smile. She couldn’t help feeling the failure, or that nagging stone in her gut that wrenched her worries for him, as she stared into his eyes. Yet- there were his words, and they had carried with them hope. Tonks lifted up a hand again, slightly touching Remus near his collar before grazing over the side of his face to draw his attention more seriously onto her.

“I will hold you to that promise- you best not break it.” Her mouth curved onward, framing her cheeks and jaw with a warm and caring smile. “For the sake of yourself- and all those who love and care for you, and you for them- never give up.”