Long Duck Dong, NC-17, for 00smut
Author: hiddenfantasy
Title: Long Duck Dong
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Matt has too much fun with euphemisms
Spoilers/Warnings: Bad euphemisms for the male anatomy?
Present for: 00smut
The Request: Snark and bad jokes/puns
Notes: I wasn't intending for this to be an NC-17 fic but I didn't have any choice really. I just followed what the boys wanted. I hope you like this, 00smut! I haven't written anything snarky in a while and I'm not sure if Mohinder is anywhere close to how snarky you would want him to be. And yes, the title is what you're thinking of. XD
"Wake up, you great lump. Don't make me come in here again to get your lazy ass out of bed." Mohinder said while shaking Matt by the shoulder. It still astounded him that the larger man could essentially sleep through an earthquake. He paused then rolled his eyes at himself. Of course Matt could sleep through an earthquake, the man was from California.
"Great lump?" Matt asked sleepily. He rolled over and looked up at Mohinder, a lazy smile plastered on his face. "I'm not sure which great lump you're referring to; the one in my boxers or the one on the bed?" Matt wiggled his eyebrows playfully and reached out to grab the skinnier man and pull him onto the bed. Unfortunately, Mohinder's reflexes were much faster than his own.
"I was referring to you, Matthew. And I'm not entirely sure I would call what you have hidden in your pants a great lump."
That was news to Matt. "Oh yeah? What would you call it then?"
"Something I cannot repeat in polite company."
"Well, I suppose you could at least apologize to my gorgeous ass for calling it lazy."
Mohinder snorted. "I will do no such thing. Now out of bed. You're going to be late."
"What if I don't want to go to work?"
"Too bad. If I have to go, you have to go."
"Don't go."
"Go where?"
"To work."
Mohinder crossed his arms over his chest and looked down at Matt with an eyebrow raised in question. "I'm not going to call in to work when there's nothing wrong with me."
"I could make it so there was something wrong with you." Matt grinned and sat up. Reaching out quickly, he pulled Mohinder's body towards the bed. "I promise that it will be an enjoyable something." With another pull, Mohinder was now pinning his body to the bed and Matt was smirking. "My great lump is happy to feel you, Dr. Suresh. Very happy, in fact."
Mohinder tried to wiggle out of Matt's tight embrace, trying his best to ignore the hardness pressing against his thigh. "Let me go, you oaf."
"Oaf?"
"Does brute sound better to you?"
"I think sexy beast is more appropriate for our current situation."
Mohinder pushed on Matt's chest, allowing him to stare down at the other man in disbelief. "I'm not sure I can stretch the truth that much."
"Ouch. That hurts, man. That hurts right in here." With his grip still tight around Mohinder, Matt tapped his chest, right over his heart.
With a snort of annoyance, Mohinder continued to struggle against Matt's tight grip. "Unhand me, damn it. I'm going to be late!"
"No."
Mohinder stilled. "What?"
"No."
"Why the hell not?"
"My great lump is too interested in all the wiggling you're doing to willingly let you go." Matt grinned wickedly and rolled Mohinder under his body, effectively trapping him.
"Must you -- oh, god --" Mohinder moaned, feeling Matt rocking his erection down against his hip. "Must you call it that?"
"What? My great lump? Of course I do. 'Cause it's true."
"I don't think it's a lump."
"Oh ho ho. Really now? And what do you think it is?"
"Something that is going to make me very late if you don't get off of me."
"Too bad, Doc. You're pinned here until I say it's time for you to leave."
"Matthew" Mohinder said, warningly.
"Mohinder." With another wicked grin, Matt rocked his hips down, causing Mohinder to moan again involuntarily. "Sounds like you're not really wanting to go to work."
"Bloody bastard. Let me go."
"Nuh uh."
"Yes."
"Nope." Matt lowered his head and began to kiss along Mohinder's freshly shaved jaw. "I'm going to make you worship my great lump."
"I'm not going to worship a damn thing if you keep calling your anatomy that." Mohinder said while tilting his head back into Matt's lips.
"Then what should I call it?"
"Something other than that. Anything other than that."
"My giant schlong?"
"Hell no."
"You said anything," Matt said with a grin, before biting at Mohinder's neck, causing the younger man to moan and clutch at his shoulders.
"Something else. I refuse to call it your giant schlong. It goes against my very being."
"My massive pickle?"
"Now you're just being an ass."
Matt snaked a hand down between their bodies and fondled Mohinder's erection through his pants. "Well, I do have a gorgeous beefy ass, so yeah, I guess I am."
"Good lord, Matthew. If you don't stop teasing me and get me naked now, I will do something drastic." Mohinder said with strain while arching up against Matt's large hand.
"Oh yeah?"
"Yes."
Matt pulled his hand away. "Like what?"
"I'm not going to tell you. Not when you're acting like a spectacular ass."
"Spoil sport."
"Need I remind you that this whole situation is your doing? I would already be on my way to work. I wouldn't be pinned under you, you big brute, being teased and not getting shagged like I should be."
"Did you just say 'shagged'?"
Of all the responses Mohinder thought Matt might have, his question certainly wasn't among his list. "Yes. Why?"
"I suddenly had a flash of Austin Powers."
Mohinder rolled his eyes and pushed at Matt's shoulder, wanting the big man off of him. "If you're going to continue to have idle conversation when we should be having sex, then I'm just going to go to work."
"I'm just trying to get you to loosen up, man. You take things far too seriously." Matt sucked lightly on Mohinder's neck, just above his collar. "Besides, why should we have a hurried shag when I could drag this out all morning and into the afternoon and have you so hard and ready to come that you're be desperate for my gargantuan meat-pole?"
Mohinder held back a moan. "Meat-pole? You're really having a hard time finding a good euphemism for cock, aren't you?"
"Nope. Just wanted to hear you talk dirty." Matt sat up just enough to unbutton Mohinder's shirt and push the garment off his shoulders. "Now that I heard 'cock' from your gorgeous mouth, I'm ready to give you the time off your life." Lowering his head, Matt sucked a brown nipple into his mouth, rolling the small nub between his teeth.
"Oh god." Mohinder moaned while forking his fingers into Matt's hair and pressing up against his mouth. "I hope that means you're going to fuck me into this mattress."
"But of course. My man-meat is ready to pleasure you until you're completely spent."
"I may very well have to kill you when we're done."
Matt lifted his head from Mohinder's chest to grin. "Awesome. I look forward to it."
"Ass."
"I have one, yes."
"You're not funny."
"Yes I am. I can hear you laughing in your head."
"I'm doing no such thing."
"Liar."
"Matthew, if you don't shut up and fuck me or do something remotely close to that, I am going to have to hurt you."
"Never knew you were into kink, Doc."
"Matthew"
"No sex equals pain. Got it." Matt's hand trailed down Mohinder's chest. "I still think you have a kinky side we have to explore." With a grin, he opened Mohinder's pants and pulled them down his legs. His boxers quickly followed.
Mohinder groaned as Matt palmed his erection. "No exploration needed. I don't have a kinky bone in my body."
"Not even the one I'm touching?"
"No." Mohinder rocked his hips up, moaning happily at the lovely friction on his aching cock. "Not even that one. And please, in the future, I'd rather not have my cock referred to as a boner."
"Party pooper."
"So says you."
"Damn right, so says me." Smirking, Matt moved down the bed and between Mohinder's legs. With a glance to the man lying, panting quietly on the bed, he slowly slid his tongue from the root to the tip of Mohinder's cock.
"Fuck... Oh, Matt." Mohinder moaned.
Hearing Mohinder moan his name like that never failed to make him quite smug about how he could get Mohinder so worked up so fast. Feeling emboldened, Matt moved his mouth over the smaller man's cock, taking in half while stroking slowly with his large fist. He groaned when Mohinder's fingers found his hair and tugged at his scalp.
"Yes!" Mohinder cried when the vibration from Matt's groan ran down his erection. "Faster, Matthew. Please!"
Who was he to say no? Matt easily increased the speed of his strokes while simultaneously working his lips over Mohinder's cock at a faster pace. He continued at this steadily fast pace, despite the ache in his jaw, until Mohinder's body became taught under him, signalling his impending orgasm. It wasn't long after that when Matt heard the sharp intake of breath and felt the pull on his scalp as his lover came.
Mohinder lay panting and dazed on the bed as Matt eased him from his mouth. He rolled his body to face Matt's as the larger man came to rest beside him.
"Pretty talented mouth I got, huh Doc?"
"It has its uses. Especially when it's doing that and not coming up with absurd names for your anatomy."
"I still think massive pickle is the best one I've come up with."
"Don't expect me to be calling it that any time soon."
"I'm not too worried. I'll have you calling it Long Duck Dong in no time." Matt grinned.
Mohinder knew there was supposed to be something attached to that name, unfortunately he had no idea what it was. "There's meaning to that name I'm obviously missing."
Matt stared at him blankly. "You're kidding, right?"
"Nope."
"You've never seen 16 Candles?"
"What?"
"That solves that question. Man, you have got to watch TV more." Matt paused then grinned. "Until you watch the movie, I'm officially naming it Long Duck Dong. No more of this 'cock' shit. Long Duck Dong is where it's at."
"I'm afraid for your sanity."
"Don't worry, Doc. I'm plenty sane."
"I doubt the sincerity of your words."
"Doubt all you want. I'm the one with the talented mouth and Long Duck Dong to pleasure you all day long."
Mohinder chuckled. "Yes. I suppose you are the one with the talented mouth."
"And?" When Mohinder didn't respond, Matt pressed again. "And?"
"Long Duck Dong."
Matt grinned. "Good to see that we're eye to eye on this."
"Ass."
"Yup. And don't you forget it."
Mohinder rolled his eyes when Matt grinned again. There were some days when he questioned his sanity for being with his man, but then he remembered that life would be far too dull without Matt Parkman and his Long Duck Dong there to entertain him.
Title: Long Duck Dong
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Matt has too much fun with euphemisms
Spoilers/Warnings: Bad euphemisms for the male anatomy?
Present for: 00smut
The Request: Snark and bad jokes/puns
Notes: I wasn't intending for this to be an NC-17 fic but I didn't have any choice really. I just followed what the boys wanted. I hope you like this, 00smut! I haven't written anything snarky in a while and I'm not sure if Mohinder is anywhere close to how snarky you would want him to be. And yes, the title is what you're thinking of. XD
"Wake up, you great lump. Don't make me come in here again to get your lazy ass out of bed." Mohinder said while shaking Matt by the shoulder. It still astounded him that the larger man could essentially sleep through an earthquake. He paused then rolled his eyes at himself. Of course Matt could sleep through an earthquake, the man was from California.
"Great lump?" Matt asked sleepily. He rolled over and looked up at Mohinder, a lazy smile plastered on his face. "I'm not sure which great lump you're referring to; the one in my boxers or the one on the bed?" Matt wiggled his eyebrows playfully and reached out to grab the skinnier man and pull him onto the bed. Unfortunately, Mohinder's reflexes were much faster than his own.
"I was referring to you, Matthew. And I'm not entirely sure I would call what you have hidden in your pants a great lump."
That was news to Matt. "Oh yeah? What would you call it then?"
"Something I cannot repeat in polite company."
"Well, I suppose you could at least apologize to my gorgeous ass for calling it lazy."
Mohinder snorted. "I will do no such thing. Now out of bed. You're going to be late."
"What if I don't want to go to work?"
"Too bad. If I have to go, you have to go."
"Don't go."
"Go where?"
"To work."
Mohinder crossed his arms over his chest and looked down at Matt with an eyebrow raised in question. "I'm not going to call in to work when there's nothing wrong with me."
"I could make it so there was something wrong with you." Matt grinned and sat up. Reaching out quickly, he pulled Mohinder's body towards the bed. "I promise that it will be an enjoyable something." With another pull, Mohinder was now pinning his body to the bed and Matt was smirking. "My great lump is happy to feel you, Dr. Suresh. Very happy, in fact."
Mohinder tried to wiggle out of Matt's tight embrace, trying his best to ignore the hardness pressing against his thigh. "Let me go, you oaf."
"Oaf?"
"Does brute sound better to you?"
"I think sexy beast is more appropriate for our current situation."
Mohinder pushed on Matt's chest, allowing him to stare down at the other man in disbelief. "I'm not sure I can stretch the truth that much."
"Ouch. That hurts, man. That hurts right in here." With his grip still tight around Mohinder, Matt tapped his chest, right over his heart.
With a snort of annoyance, Mohinder continued to struggle against Matt's tight grip. "Unhand me, damn it. I'm going to be late!"
"No."
Mohinder stilled. "What?"
"No."
"Why the hell not?"
"My great lump is too interested in all the wiggling you're doing to willingly let you go." Matt grinned wickedly and rolled Mohinder under his body, effectively trapping him.
"Must you -- oh, god --" Mohinder moaned, feeling Matt rocking his erection down against his hip. "Must you call it that?"
"What? My great lump? Of course I do. 'Cause it's true."
"I don't think it's a lump."
"Oh ho ho. Really now? And what do you think it is?"
"Something that is going to make me very late if you don't get off of me."
"Too bad, Doc. You're pinned here until I say it's time for you to leave."
"Matthew" Mohinder said, warningly.
"Mohinder." With another wicked grin, Matt rocked his hips down, causing Mohinder to moan again involuntarily. "Sounds like you're not really wanting to go to work."
"Bloody bastard. Let me go."
"Nuh uh."
"Yes."
"Nope." Matt lowered his head and began to kiss along Mohinder's freshly shaved jaw. "I'm going to make you worship my great lump."
"I'm not going to worship a damn thing if you keep calling your anatomy that." Mohinder said while tilting his head back into Matt's lips.
"Then what should I call it?"
"Something other than that. Anything other than that."
"My giant schlong?"
"Hell no."
"You said anything," Matt said with a grin, before biting at Mohinder's neck, causing the younger man to moan and clutch at his shoulders.
"Something else. I refuse to call it your giant schlong. It goes against my very being."
"My massive pickle?"
"Now you're just being an ass."
Matt snaked a hand down between their bodies and fondled Mohinder's erection through his pants. "Well, I do have a gorgeous beefy ass, so yeah, I guess I am."
"Good lord, Matthew. If you don't stop teasing me and get me naked now, I will do something drastic." Mohinder said with strain while arching up against Matt's large hand.
"Oh yeah?"
"Yes."
Matt pulled his hand away. "Like what?"
"I'm not going to tell you. Not when you're acting like a spectacular ass."
"Spoil sport."
"Need I remind you that this whole situation is your doing? I would already be on my way to work. I wouldn't be pinned under you, you big brute, being teased and not getting shagged like I should be."
"Did you just say 'shagged'?"
Of all the responses Mohinder thought Matt might have, his question certainly wasn't among his list. "Yes. Why?"
"I suddenly had a flash of Austin Powers."
Mohinder rolled his eyes and pushed at Matt's shoulder, wanting the big man off of him. "If you're going to continue to have idle conversation when we should be having sex, then I'm just going to go to work."
"I'm just trying to get you to loosen up, man. You take things far too seriously." Matt sucked lightly on Mohinder's neck, just above his collar. "Besides, why should we have a hurried shag when I could drag this out all morning and into the afternoon and have you so hard and ready to come that you're be desperate for my gargantuan meat-pole?"
Mohinder held back a moan. "Meat-pole? You're really having a hard time finding a good euphemism for cock, aren't you?"
"Nope. Just wanted to hear you talk dirty." Matt sat up just enough to unbutton Mohinder's shirt and push the garment off his shoulders. "Now that I heard 'cock' from your gorgeous mouth, I'm ready to give you the time off your life." Lowering his head, Matt sucked a brown nipple into his mouth, rolling the small nub between his teeth.
"Oh god." Mohinder moaned while forking his fingers into Matt's hair and pressing up against his mouth. "I hope that means you're going to fuck me into this mattress."
"But of course. My man-meat is ready to pleasure you until you're completely spent."
"I may very well have to kill you when we're done."
Matt lifted his head from Mohinder's chest to grin. "Awesome. I look forward to it."
"Ass."
"I have one, yes."
"You're not funny."
"Yes I am. I can hear you laughing in your head."
"I'm doing no such thing."
"Liar."
"Matthew, if you don't shut up and fuck me or do something remotely close to that, I am going to have to hurt you."
"Never knew you were into kink, Doc."
"Matthew"
"No sex equals pain. Got it." Matt's hand trailed down Mohinder's chest. "I still think you have a kinky side we have to explore." With a grin, he opened Mohinder's pants and pulled them down his legs. His boxers quickly followed.
Mohinder groaned as Matt palmed his erection. "No exploration needed. I don't have a kinky bone in my body."
"Not even the one I'm touching?"
"No." Mohinder rocked his hips up, moaning happily at the lovely friction on his aching cock. "Not even that one. And please, in the future, I'd rather not have my cock referred to as a boner."
"Party pooper."
"So says you."
"Damn right, so says me." Smirking, Matt moved down the bed and between Mohinder's legs. With a glance to the man lying, panting quietly on the bed, he slowly slid his tongue from the root to the tip of Mohinder's cock.
"Fuck... Oh, Matt." Mohinder moaned.
Hearing Mohinder moan his name like that never failed to make him quite smug about how he could get Mohinder so worked up so fast. Feeling emboldened, Matt moved his mouth over the smaller man's cock, taking in half while stroking slowly with his large fist. He groaned when Mohinder's fingers found his hair and tugged at his scalp.
"Yes!" Mohinder cried when the vibration from Matt's groan ran down his erection. "Faster, Matthew. Please!"
Who was he to say no? Matt easily increased the speed of his strokes while simultaneously working his lips over Mohinder's cock at a faster pace. He continued at this steadily fast pace, despite the ache in his jaw, until Mohinder's body became taught under him, signalling his impending orgasm. It wasn't long after that when Matt heard the sharp intake of breath and felt the pull on his scalp as his lover came.
Mohinder lay panting and dazed on the bed as Matt eased him from his mouth. He rolled his body to face Matt's as the larger man came to rest beside him.
"Pretty talented mouth I got, huh Doc?"
"It has its uses. Especially when it's doing that and not coming up with absurd names for your anatomy."
"I still think massive pickle is the best one I've come up with."
"Don't expect me to be calling it that any time soon."
"I'm not too worried. I'll have you calling it Long Duck Dong in no time." Matt grinned.
Mohinder knew there was supposed to be something attached to that name, unfortunately he had no idea what it was. "There's meaning to that name I'm obviously missing."
Matt stared at him blankly. "You're kidding, right?"
"Nope."
"You've never seen 16 Candles?"
"What?"
"That solves that question. Man, you have got to watch TV more." Matt paused then grinned. "Until you watch the movie, I'm officially naming it Long Duck Dong. No more of this 'cock' shit. Long Duck Dong is where it's at."
"I'm afraid for your sanity."
"Don't worry, Doc. I'm plenty sane."
"I doubt the sincerity of your words."
"Doubt all you want. I'm the one with the talented mouth and Long Duck Dong to pleasure you all day long."
Mohinder chuckled. "Yes. I suppose you are the one with the talented mouth."
"And?" When Mohinder didn't respond, Matt pressed again. "And?"
"Long Duck Dong."
Matt grinned. "Good to see that we're eye to eye on this."
"Ass."
"Yup. And don't you forget it."
Mohinder rolled his eyes when Matt grinned again. There were some days when he questioned his sanity for being with his man, but then he remembered that life would be far too dull without Matt Parkman and his Long Duck Dong there to entertain him.