Ugh!
I think this "cold" will be the death of me. I feel completely horrible, and each morning I wake up it's ten times worse. The weirdest part... you'd think that if I didn't talk for a while (like an hour or so) it'd rest my voice/throat... so tell me why when I open my mouth again I sound like an 84 year old woman who's smoked all her life and has one of those voice box things. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and if that doesn't help... I think I might kill myself.
Work is going good. It looks like I'll be getting more hours like I have been asking for so we'll see how that goes. There are so many things going on in the next few months and I hate it because I feel like everyone wants me to be somewhere and everyone has a 'something' that they want me to come to or that I need to take time off for and I really do want to go to most of them... but I'm so worried about so many things that all have one thing in common... money. The weirdest part of all this is the fact that I feel like I'm freaking out less without Eric here. It's kind of like... let's say there's a crazy emergency situation... there's always that one person in the group who freaks the fuck out and there's always that one person in the group who gets immied ediately calm and takes charge and diffuses the situation. When Eric's here I'm 'Melissa Freak Out' but since he's been gone I've become 'Melissa Take Charge'. That makes me feel good and bad. I'm really glad to know that I have that in me and I can just do what needs to be done, and yeah I'm worried, but I'm not anxiety attack freaking out about things and crying about it like I would be if Eric were here. I think it's because Eric is that 'Take Charge' person by nature... so it's like, there can't be two of those types of people because then it's just a power struggle and that's no fun and leads to arguments, and I think subcontiously I know that and fall into the 'Freak Out' mode. And I mean, is that okay? Is it bad that I'm different when he's gone? Am I hiding who I am when I'm with him? Or is it a good thing? Does it mean that we just are a certain way with eachother and that's why we fit so well together? That he likes to take care of me and I (like every girl/woman out there) like to be taken care of? I don't know... I'm not worried about it, they're just some thoughts...
I think maybe another reason that it's different when he's gone is because I'm on my own, and it's like a.) no one's gonna do it for me 2.) I am in charge of my life and d.) there isn't anyone that's always around. I think maybe because Eric is here and he likes (or feels like it's his job) to take care of me so he's always keeping an eye out for me, and because he's always there over my shoulder it's added stress... plus the fact that he will always catch me when/if I fall, I'm sure part of me takes advantage of that.
I miss him. I haven't heard from him. I'm sure he's fine and having an amazing time, I just wish I could hear from him because... well because I miss him.
Work is going good. It looks like I'll be getting more hours like I have been asking for so we'll see how that goes. There are so many things going on in the next few months and I hate it because I feel like everyone wants me to be somewhere and everyone has a 'something' that they want me to come to or that I need to take time off for and I really do want to go to most of them... but I'm so worried about so many things that all have one thing in common... money. The weirdest part of all this is the fact that I feel like I'm freaking out less without Eric here. It's kind of like... let's say there's a crazy emergency situation... there's always that one person in the group who freaks the fuck out and there's always that one person in the group who gets immied ediately calm and takes charge and diffuses the situation. When Eric's here I'm 'Melissa Freak Out' but since he's been gone I've become 'Melissa Take Charge'. That makes me feel good and bad. I'm really glad to know that I have that in me and I can just do what needs to be done, and yeah I'm worried, but I'm not anxiety attack freaking out about things and crying about it like I would be if Eric were here. I think it's because Eric is that 'Take Charge' person by nature... so it's like, there can't be two of those types of people because then it's just a power struggle and that's no fun and leads to arguments, and I think subcontiously I know that and fall into the 'Freak Out' mode. And I mean, is that okay? Is it bad that I'm different when he's gone? Am I hiding who I am when I'm with him? Or is it a good thing? Does it mean that we just are a certain way with eachother and that's why we fit so well together? That he likes to take care of me and I (like every girl/woman out there) like to be taken care of? I don't know... I'm not worried about it, they're just some thoughts...
I think maybe another reason that it's different when he's gone is because I'm on my own, and it's like a.) no one's gonna do it for me 2.) I am in charge of my life and d.) there isn't anyone that's always around. I think maybe because Eric is here and he likes (or feels like it's his job) to take care of me so he's always keeping an eye out for me, and because he's always there over my shoulder it's added stress... plus the fact that he will always catch me when/if I fall, I'm sure part of me takes advantage of that.
I miss him. I haven't heard from him. I'm sure he's fine and having an amazing time, I just wish I could hear from him because... well because I miss him.