(no subject)
ugh - i'm just so tired of life... i don't know i feel like every corner i turn there's a different kind of drama... money, boys, school, friends, finding an apartment, going home, living here... and i'm not like depressed about it or anything it's just so overwhelming that I'm freaking out all the time, I'm in a constant state of panic about everything, so much so that a joke between friends had my heart pounding out of my chest because i couldn't figure it out.
My credit card is $198 overdrawn. My phone bill is at least a hundred and something dollars. I wrote a check for rent for $275 and I only have two hundred and thirty something in the bank. I'm praying with all my soul that i get my tax money today or tomorrow but knowing my luck/life it won't come until friday and by then all the shit in the world will have hit the fan.
My room is a mess... total chaos. I have so much lundry it's unbelieveable. It would take me (without exaggeration) at least a full day, possibly a day and a half to do it and I have neither the time nor the money.
And it seems like everyone that's close to me in my life is going through some intense drama crisis. And I'm not saying that in a mocking or judgemental way, it's a serious thing and each one of these events are important and huge in each of their lives and I mean I want to be there for them all and I have been trying really hard and I just love each of them so much but it's starting to wear on me. When I try and help someone or give them advice I get invested in their problem, I put myself in their position, their problem is my problem and I do this so i can really try and understand where they're coming from so i can try and help them better and with everyone going through something at the same time it's just got all of my emotions all kinda of out of control. Even right now as I'm writing this my heart is racing and I have that panicy feeling that just makes my chest ache and my breath short.
The anxiety and the panic has been back for about a week or so now and I just can't take it. I'm gonna have to start taking my medication again and that sucks. I hate it. I hate having to rely on pills to keep my sanity. It makes me feel weak and vulnerable and ashamed and embarrased I hate those feelings more than any other feelings in the world.
And I'm not angry or mad at anyone at all, but I just feel like no one ever asks me about me. I always have to interject and just throw it out there and be like "hey... this is what's going on with my situation" and even then I get inturrupted and then the subject changes and i just give up because i'm not going to fight for the attention.
And maybe the fact that everyone is begging me to stay, begging me to come home, freaking out that i'm leaving too soon, freaking out that i'm not leaving soon enough... maybe that's what i'm supposed to recognize as the friendship and people needing me and loving me, but sometimes i just wish i wasn't an afterthought, and i know this sounds kind of dramatic and i don't have any animosity towards anyone at all - i'm just venting and i really need some "hey it's all about me" time (which is why i'm writing this).
The whole boy situation is really getting hard for me too and i think this whole "i'm breezy" thing has worked so well that it's not only fooled him but eveyone around me as well. This sucks so much and now it's getting even more complicated and I feel myself slipping and i hate it but want it to happen so badly all at the same time.
I decided to go home, took the days off work, more people are calling me and leaving messages about apartments and coming to look at them... and yesterday i get an e-mail that says not only do we have call and rehersal for the show on saturday all day long... we need to be there friday too, and if we miss any calls or rehersals or shows it will be reflected in our grade. Now for me it's not about the grade because i've fucked myself royally this semester so it's not like it matters now anyway... but dance is such a passion for me (that i really don't think anyone truely understands or takes seriously which sucks) that it's about the commitment to the show, to my class, to the piece, to the choreography, to the teacher. So now I'm gonna have to leave a day earlier than I planned... so I'm going home for two days... and my car will most likely blow up.
Fuck... and now i'm late for ballet.
My credit card is $198 overdrawn. My phone bill is at least a hundred and something dollars. I wrote a check for rent for $275 and I only have two hundred and thirty something in the bank. I'm praying with all my soul that i get my tax money today or tomorrow but knowing my luck/life it won't come until friday and by then all the shit in the world will have hit the fan.
My room is a mess... total chaos. I have so much lundry it's unbelieveable. It would take me (without exaggeration) at least a full day, possibly a day and a half to do it and I have neither the time nor the money.
And it seems like everyone that's close to me in my life is going through some intense drama crisis. And I'm not saying that in a mocking or judgemental way, it's a serious thing and each one of these events are important and huge in each of their lives and I mean I want to be there for them all and I have been trying really hard and I just love each of them so much but it's starting to wear on me. When I try and help someone or give them advice I get invested in their problem, I put myself in their position, their problem is my problem and I do this so i can really try and understand where they're coming from so i can try and help them better and with everyone going through something at the same time it's just got all of my emotions all kinda of out of control. Even right now as I'm writing this my heart is racing and I have that panicy feeling that just makes my chest ache and my breath short.
The anxiety and the panic has been back for about a week or so now and I just can't take it. I'm gonna have to start taking my medication again and that sucks. I hate it. I hate having to rely on pills to keep my sanity. It makes me feel weak and vulnerable and ashamed and embarrased I hate those feelings more than any other feelings in the world.
And I'm not angry or mad at anyone at all, but I just feel like no one ever asks me about me. I always have to interject and just throw it out there and be like "hey... this is what's going on with my situation" and even then I get inturrupted and then the subject changes and i just give up because i'm not going to fight for the attention.
And maybe the fact that everyone is begging me to stay, begging me to come home, freaking out that i'm leaving too soon, freaking out that i'm not leaving soon enough... maybe that's what i'm supposed to recognize as the friendship and people needing me and loving me, but sometimes i just wish i wasn't an afterthought, and i know this sounds kind of dramatic and i don't have any animosity towards anyone at all - i'm just venting and i really need some "hey it's all about me" time (which is why i'm writing this).
The whole boy situation is really getting hard for me too and i think this whole "i'm breezy" thing has worked so well that it's not only fooled him but eveyone around me as well. This sucks so much and now it's getting even more complicated and I feel myself slipping and i hate it but want it to happen so badly all at the same time.
I decided to go home, took the days off work, more people are calling me and leaving messages about apartments and coming to look at them... and yesterday i get an e-mail that says not only do we have call and rehersal for the show on saturday all day long... we need to be there friday too, and if we miss any calls or rehersals or shows it will be reflected in our grade. Now for me it's not about the grade because i've fucked myself royally this semester so it's not like it matters now anyway... but dance is such a passion for me (that i really don't think anyone truely understands or takes seriously which sucks) that it's about the commitment to the show, to my class, to the piece, to the choreography, to the teacher. So now I'm gonna have to leave a day earlier than I planned... so I'm going home for two days... and my car will most likely blow up.
Fuck... and now i'm late for ballet.