i feel like a fool
Sometimes when you're in a relationship with someone you lose contact with them, and sometimes I can be okay with that. This isn't one of those times. This time I feel betrayed and hurt and guilty and ... and I don't know what to do anymore. A part of me wants to break down and cry, let the world see how much pain and hurt that you've caused me. The other part of me wants to keep playing this game with you, it wants me to pretend that yes, everything is okay even though it isn't. And good Lord, I'm trying so hard to not succumb to the first option but with every word that I type, I'm this much closer to losing the control that I have over my emotions.
To think that just one little thing can just break me into a million pieces. Just one little thing makes me feel like suddenly the world and the people living in it doesn't matter anymore unless you're living in this world with me - the way it used to be. Oh, god. Rondel, you're my friend - my best friend and now I don't know what I am to you. I don't know if I'm still your best friend, an outsider gaining information about certain things from other people ... or just a stranger. Sometimes I feel like the latter - a stranger. A stranger watching your life through other people's eyes and damn it, damn it it's not fair. It's never been fair between us, we've always been patient with each other. I know that, you know that - fuck, the whole world knows that our relationship is complicated because of the distance between us but we both try.
Now is just one of those days where it seems like you don't even want to try to keep this friendship going. I mean, fuck it, we've been friends since we were two, our families knew each other for so long and now ... now I feel like the strong hold that we once had is now falling apart. I hate that. I hate the feeling of being useless because that's how it is. I feel useless because I can't do anything. I know it's probably a small thing to other people but not telling me about your little "party" for your birthday just hurts, okay? I haven't seen you in nearly two years because of all the complications but I would've made time to come by for your birthday. Good Lord, I didn't see you on your last one and you didn't see me on my last one but now ... now it's just getting fucking ridculous! Tell me, is it wrong to feel hurt the way I'm feeling? Is it wrong to feel this way? You... I had to find out about this from a friend - a friend that I'm slowly losing contact with but a friend nonetheless. That hurts more than you can ever know. Finding out about this from a friend, who also found out from another friend?
Fuck it, Rondel. What the fuck do you want from me? What the fuck do you want me to do? Do you want me to change schools just to be closer to you? Do you want me to move near you again? Do you want me to run off and just live with you? I don't know if I can do that for you, Rondel. What have you done lately? I know that you came up here to visit me three times since I've moved and I haven't been able to come down and see you - not even once. I know that, and I'm sorry about it but things were just complicated and you knew that, too. What about now, huh? I try calling you and no one answers, okay, that's fine I know you have a life - I do, too. I try calling you more and still you're never home. Okay, fine, maybe you'll just remember to call; maybe you'll remember that you have a best friend who cares about you even though you hurt her so many fucking times; maybe you'll be able to take half an hour away from your life just to call me; maybe you'll remember to message me online whenever you're on just to say hi and that you're doing well. There's just too many maybes, too many maybes that never happen.
Sometimes I feel like you don't remember me at all. That's when I quit. That's when I stopped the phone calls, that's when I stopped messaging you online ... because, you see, I had this sudden epiphany - let's just call it that for a minute. I figured if I stopped calling, stopped trying to message you - stopped trying to get you notice me altogether that maybe (there's another maybe) you'll start remembering me. It never happened. I was the one who had to put effort into this fucking relationship that we have. I don't know if you fucking remember my name any more! I don't even know if you remember that I exist - you sure as hell don't know what my favourite colours are when I know yours. You just don't remember.
Then there's your girlfriend. Don't get me wrong, I know how much you love her and how long you've loved her. You've been stuck on this girl for nearly five years now and you haven't been able to get over her and I'm so proud of you for not being like one of those guys who just abandons a girl. I love you for that, I'm so proud of you for being that way. But now, now I feel jealous of her. Now I feel like you're putting her before me. I know it sounds silly after you put me before your little familia that you put together with you and your friends, but ... that's just how it is. That's just how ... oh, God, I feel the tears breaking me. I feel like you aren't committed to this relationship and that she's going to come before me for everything. And I don't know how to deal with that.
I don't know how to deal with the fact that maybe I'm living in this fantasy world, where you actually care but aren't showing it. If that's the case then I want to fucking know. I want to know that I matter to you because right now I don't know. I don't know how much you care and sometimes I don't want to know. I'm scared to find out that maybe I am right and you don't love me like you claim you do. The tears are coming down hard right now and I'm so scared that I'm losing you. I'm scared that I'm losing you after so many years of being together, after so many years of loving you and I'm so scared that I'm never going to get you back. I'm so scared that maybe you compare Heather to me and that I don't match up in comparison to her. Maybe I don't match up to her, I don't love you the way she does but I love you more than she does. I've loved you for the majority of my life and suddenly you not being there is like walking around without the sound of my heart beating.
I want to mean something to you again. I want you to care for me again, I want you to tell me that I'm being delusional and stupid. I want to feel you hug me, and I want to feel a kiss on my forehead. I want to be comforted that I actually do have meaning in your life and not just some girl who was once your best friend. I want to feel safe and protected from you again. I want to feel like I actually have a best friend again instead of someone I don't even know is there for me half of the time. I want to know that on my wedding day, I'll have the best friend who promised me that he'd be there; I want to know that on the day of my first child's birth that my best friend will be there, waiting for his god child to finally be born into the world. I want to know because I'm so unsure and confused and hurt. I want to know if these tears that I'm crying is worth crying for, I want to know if you're worth crying for ... are you? Do I mean anything at all? Am I special enough for you? Is it worth crying in the dark, all alone just for you? Is it? I want to know and I want to know now. I want to know whether I'm still considered as your best friend because if I'm not then ... then maybe I can start living my life again. I don't want you to be holding me back by not answering a hard question with a simple answer.
To my flist, sorry for the emo post but ... I just had to get it out. Sorry, I'm not going to put this under an lj-cut.
To think that just one little thing can just break me into a million pieces. Just one little thing makes me feel like suddenly the world and the people living in it doesn't matter anymore unless you're living in this world with me - the way it used to be. Oh, god. Rondel, you're my friend - my best friend and now I don't know what I am to you. I don't know if I'm still your best friend, an outsider gaining information about certain things from other people ... or just a stranger. Sometimes I feel like the latter - a stranger. A stranger watching your life through other people's eyes and damn it, damn it it's not fair. It's never been fair between us, we've always been patient with each other. I know that, you know that - fuck, the whole world knows that our relationship is complicated because of the distance between us but we both try.
Now is just one of those days where it seems like you don't even want to try to keep this friendship going. I mean, fuck it, we've been friends since we were two, our families knew each other for so long and now ... now I feel like the strong hold that we once had is now falling apart. I hate that. I hate the feeling of being useless because that's how it is. I feel useless because I can't do anything. I know it's probably a small thing to other people but not telling me about your little "party" for your birthday just hurts, okay? I haven't seen you in nearly two years because of all the complications but I would've made time to come by for your birthday. Good Lord, I didn't see you on your last one and you didn't see me on my last one but now ... now it's just getting fucking ridculous! Tell me, is it wrong to feel hurt the way I'm feeling? Is it wrong to feel this way? You... I had to find out about this from a friend - a friend that I'm slowly losing contact with but a friend nonetheless. That hurts more than you can ever know. Finding out about this from a friend, who also found out from another friend?
Fuck it, Rondel. What the fuck do you want from me? What the fuck do you want me to do? Do you want me to change schools just to be closer to you? Do you want me to move near you again? Do you want me to run off and just live with you? I don't know if I can do that for you, Rondel. What have you done lately? I know that you came up here to visit me three times since I've moved and I haven't been able to come down and see you - not even once. I know that, and I'm sorry about it but things were just complicated and you knew that, too. What about now, huh? I try calling you and no one answers, okay, that's fine I know you have a life - I do, too. I try calling you more and still you're never home. Okay, fine, maybe you'll just remember to call; maybe you'll remember that you have a best friend who cares about you even though you hurt her so many fucking times; maybe you'll be able to take half an hour away from your life just to call me; maybe you'll remember to message me online whenever you're on just to say hi and that you're doing well. There's just too many maybes, too many maybes that never happen.
Sometimes I feel like you don't remember me at all. That's when I quit. That's when I stopped the phone calls, that's when I stopped messaging you online ... because, you see, I had this sudden epiphany - let's just call it that for a minute. I figured if I stopped calling, stopped trying to message you - stopped trying to get you notice me altogether that maybe (there's another maybe) you'll start remembering me. It never happened. I was the one who had to put effort into this fucking relationship that we have. I don't know if you fucking remember my name any more! I don't even know if you remember that I exist - you sure as hell don't know what my favourite colours are when I know yours. You just don't remember.
Then there's your girlfriend. Don't get me wrong, I know how much you love her and how long you've loved her. You've been stuck on this girl for nearly five years now and you haven't been able to get over her and I'm so proud of you for not being like one of those guys who just abandons a girl. I love you for that, I'm so proud of you for being that way. But now, now I feel jealous of her. Now I feel like you're putting her before me. I know it sounds silly after you put me before your little familia that you put together with you and your friends, but ... that's just how it is. That's just how ... oh, God, I feel the tears breaking me. I feel like you aren't committed to this relationship and that she's going to come before me for everything. And I don't know how to deal with that.
I don't know how to deal with the fact that maybe I'm living in this fantasy world, where you actually care but aren't showing it. If that's the case then I want to fucking know. I want to know that I matter to you because right now I don't know. I don't know how much you care and sometimes I don't want to know. I'm scared to find out that maybe I am right and you don't love me like you claim you do. The tears are coming down hard right now and I'm so scared that I'm losing you. I'm scared that I'm losing you after so many years of being together, after so many years of loving you and I'm so scared that I'm never going to get you back. I'm so scared that maybe you compare Heather to me and that I don't match up in comparison to her. Maybe I don't match up to her, I don't love you the way she does but I love you more than she does. I've loved you for the majority of my life and suddenly you not being there is like walking around without the sound of my heart beating.
I want to mean something to you again. I want you to care for me again, I want you to tell me that I'm being delusional and stupid. I want to feel you hug me, and I want to feel a kiss on my forehead. I want to be comforted that I actually do have meaning in your life and not just some girl who was once your best friend. I want to feel safe and protected from you again. I want to feel like I actually have a best friend again instead of someone I don't even know is there for me half of the time. I want to know that on my wedding day, I'll have the best friend who promised me that he'd be there; I want to know that on the day of my first child's birth that my best friend will be there, waiting for his god child to finally be born into the world. I want to know because I'm so unsure and confused and hurt. I want to know if these tears that I'm crying is worth crying for, I want to know if you're worth crying for ... are you? Do I mean anything at all? Am I special enough for you? Is it worth crying in the dark, all alone just for you? Is it? I want to know and I want to know now. I want to know whether I'm still considered as your best friend because if I'm not then ... then maybe I can start living my life again. I don't want you to be holding me back by not answering a hard question with a simple answer.
To my flist, sorry for the emo post but ... I just had to get it out. Sorry, I'm not going to put this under an lj-cut.