Dracula (1979) in Fifteen Minutes
This isn't the movie I was planning on doing next, but it was on AMC Friday night and it felt like a good no-stress, low-expectation palate cleanser. Thus, I bring you: Dracula in Fifteen Minutes.
Disclaimer and actual opinion of movie: It's kind of silly, this one (then again, I have yet to see a Dracula movie that completely dodged silliness). Maybe even kinda bad. I will say that the asylum and castle sets absolutely have had the hell art-directed out of them, and the John Williams score has a nice little undulating Sexy Vampire Love theme. What surprised me was how compelling the whole Lucy-Dracula chemistry still is in this movie--and I'm not even thirteen and easily impressed anymore. So. The point of this disclaimer is, once again: You can make fun of things you (at least sort of, in this case) like. Take it in fun.
P.S. I actually like Vivien Leigh. The joke was just there.
Some Dark and Freaky Castle
THE WOLVES: *howl sexily*
THE FONTS: *are cheesy*
THE BATS: *are in psychedelic silhouette*
MUSIC OF SEXY VAMPIRE LOVE: *blares*
Some Dark and Stormy Night
The seas are turbulent. The sailors are dead. The crate is stamped PROPERTY OF COUNT DRACULA: DO NOT OPEN, SEXY VAMPIRE INSIDE.
CAPTAIN: *lashes himself to wheel*
SEAS: *turble*
© 2004 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
SASQUATCH HAND: *breaks through crate*
A WOLF: *appears out of nowhere to snack on the captain*
Loony Bin, Asylum-by-the-Sea
Dr. Seward and some guy with a megaphone are trying to settle down a riot in the asylum. I am thinking that letting the crazies roam free in the middle of the night is part of their problem.
CRAZY CREWCUT WOMAN WITH BABY: BabybabybabyIhaveaBABY!
SEWARD: I say! Wasn't it a great idea to put a grungy Victorian loony bin in a mansion by the sea?
MR. MEGAPHONE: Smashing idea! Where's your daughter, by the way?
© 2004 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
SEWARD: Oh, off with her friend somewhere. I can't imagine why she wouldn't want to help us with frothing lunatics!
Some Bedroom, House of Crazy, Asylum-by-the-Sea
Lucy and Mina are sewing and talking about feminism and reading letters from boys aloud.
LUCY: You don't look so hot, Mina. You wanna go ahead and turn in?
MINA: Yeah... I feel kinda peaky.
LUCY: You might want to put on your nightgown first.
© 2004 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
MINA [looking down at Edwardian concoction of buttons and collars and lace]: This is my nightgown.
LUCY: ...Oh.
Loony Bin, Asylum-by-the-Sea
Lucy goes downstairs in her lace nightgown and lace robe to help out with the crazies.
SEWARD: Hon, were you attacked by a herd of doilies or something?
LUCY: Of course not, Daddy! I always help out with the crazies in my fifteen-layer lace nightgowns!
STOKER FANS: Wait... Lucy is Seward's... daughter? WTF?
Beach, Asylum-by-the-Sea
SHIP: *wrecks*
Mina climbs down the rocky cliff to the shipwreck, because she is a moron. The ship is lying in little splinters all over the beach.
WOLF: How you doin'?
MINA: *runs away to nearby dark and freaky cave*
Inside the cave, there is a man in a fur coat lying on the ground. Mina creeps over and reaches out to him. Spidery fingers emerge from the coat and spider around for a while and then take her hand.
MUSIC OF SEXY TRIUMPH: *blares*
Beach, Asylum-by-the-Sea, The Next Day
Some goob rattles up in a motor car. Unfortunately this goob is Jonathan Harker, so you're going to be seeing a lot of him.
SEWARD: Hi, Jonathan! Convenient that your client's ship happened to wreck on our beach, isn't it?
HARKER: Well, except for the part where it sucks. Did my client turn up, or is this a total wash?
SEWARD: Nope, Mina was running around in the storm in her nightgown and found him in a cave. We sent him on to his dark and freaky castle.
HARKER: Don't you find that at all... weird?
SEWARD: Which part?
HARKER: ...
RENFIELD: *babbles about boxes of dirt*
NO ONE: *pays attention to Renfield*
Harker goes up with Dr. Seward to the House of Crazy to greet his fiancée... LUCY?
© 2004 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
STOKER FANS: OMGWTFMINA!
Harker and Lucy eat each other's faces for a while.
SEWARD: Dude, I'm right here.
Some Dark and Freaky Castle (Carfax)
Renfield has finished dragging the last box of dirt to the castle. Dracula slinks out of his crate. Renfield sasses his employer, so Dracula lifts up his fancy-dress cape, turns into a bat, and eats Renfield's face.
Parlor, House of Crazy, Evening
SEWARD: ...so, in conclusion, I think the storm wrecked the ship.
HARKER: So... why were everyone's throats torn out?
SEWARD: Ship's dog.
HARKER: ...which apparently went rabid and snacked on everyone?
SEWARD: Whatever.
Outside, a dark carriage pulls up to Asylum-by-the-Sea. We know it's an Evil Carriage because it has STEPS THAT FOLD DOWN AUTOMATICALLY! OH NOES!
Parlor: In sweeps Dracula. He poses in the doorway inconspicuously.
SEWARD: What's his deal?
© 2004 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
HARKER: I think he's one of those metrosexuals.
DRACULA [nodding]: Miss Seward... Miss Van Helsing...
STOKER FANS: *have aneurysm, pass out*
DRACULA: Mr. Harker, I must compliment you, my solicitor, on your purchase of a dark and freaky castle conveniently located next door to an insane asylum and two beautiful women on my behalf.
HARKER: BWAHAHAHAHAHA! You LIKE that dump?
DRACULA: I am from an old family, we like old and freaky things, how few days make up a century, etc.
LUCY: *stares at him*
DRACULA: *sexes her up with eyes*
SEWARD: I say, let's go into dinner and get some food.
DRACULA: Oh, food. Yay.
Dining Room, House of Crazy
DRACULA: I do not drink...
SEWARD: Wine--yes, yes, that old bit. Got it.
DRACULA: Would it give the game away if I were to discuss the difference between "not dead" and "undead"?
HARKER: Probably not, actually. We're pretty dense around here.
MINA: Eeee, talking about dead things scares me!
LUCY: Oh, not me. I love to be frightened.
© 2004 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
DRACULA: Bless.
Parlor, House of Crazy
Dracula watches Harker and Lucy dance a shimmy-tango-hop to the lamest, tinkliest victrola song ever.
DRACULA: Jesus, what a goober.
Mina spontaneously faints. Everyone freaks out. Seward goes for the laudanum.
DRACULA: DON'T POLLUTE HER BLOOD WITH DRUGS!
SEWARD: What?
DRACULA: Look, I'll hypnotize her. Much healthier. [To Mina:] WHEN I WILL YOU TO DO A THING, IT WILL BE DONE.
LUCY: Oh, great. Take away her free will. That's a lot better.
DRACULA: Ooo, feisty. The kind of stimulation I was hoping to find here in England.
HARKER: STEP OFF MY WOMAN, HOR.
Mina wakes up and remembers nothing. Lucy asks Dracula to dance, because the Invalid Mina Subplot is getting boring.
DRACULA: I don't know how to dance.
LUCY: Nobody taught you in five hundred years? Bitch, please.
DRACULA: Do we have to shimmy-tango-hop?
LUCY: Hell no.
DRACULA: I'm all yours.
Lucy and Dracula dance. The music, oddly enough, has a lot of drums and brass and is not... as seductive... as one might want. It's more like... Waltz of the High-School Marching Band Vampires.
HARKER: WHY IS MY MUSIC STILL LAMER THAN HIS?
SEWARD: Because you're a goob, son.
Bedroom, House of Crazy
An entire mansion of crazy, and Lucy and Mina have to share a bed. Lucy gets up and wanders the house looking for Harker. Harker sneaks up and scares the living hell out of her.
HARKER: I thought you liked to be scared, hor.
LUCY: Not by a goober like you! Jesus, that took five years off my life right there.
HARKER: HOR!
LUCY: Oh, whatever. We just danced. If you don't get over yourself, you're going to sprout an enormous wart on the end of your nose.
CLEO: *is not making that last line up*
Inflamed by the thought of nasal warts, they make out. Their new neighbor, still in his fancy-dress cape, watches from his dark and freaky castle.
DRACULA: *grumble grumble stupid goober grumble grumble I'll show you grumble sex up your friend grumble*
Back in the Bedroom
MINA: *toss toss turn*
Dracula climbs "down" the misty House of Crazy, stopping to look dead into the camera for added cheese effect.
WINDOW HANDLE: *rattles*
MINA: Wha...?
FINGERS OF SPIDERINESS: *beckon*
UPSIDE-DOWN DRACULA: Hi... a little help here?
He pulls out a pane of glass after some scrabbling and opens the window. Mina, catching the mood, unbuttons the first 300 buttons of her nightgown.
WOLVES: *howl sexily*
Dark and Freaky Castle
RENFIELD: *eats cockroaches*
CLEO: *cries*
DRACULA: So, Renfield. Worship me and live forever.
RENFIELD: Cool. Oh, and I got bit by a bat last night.
DRACULA: Wow, you really are slow, aren't you?
Bedroom, House of Crazy
MINA: *wheeeeeeeeeze*
LUCY: Father! Father!
Mina's choking, because severe blood loss several hours previous tends to do that to you.
SEWARD: *shake shake shake* BREATHE! *slap slap slap*
© 2004 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
LUCY: Dude, they gave you a degree to do that?
MINA: *death rattle*
Mina, she ded. Seward and Lucy stare at her rapidly greying face.
LUCY: OH MY GOD! LOOK AT HER NECK!
Warty-looking "puncture" "wounds" are totally glued on by a makeup artist who should be fired.
Dark and Freaky Castle
HARKER [peering through dirty window]: Count?
RAT: NO SOLICITORS!
HARKER [creeping in through open door]: Count? COUNT?
DRACULA [popping up from behind banister]: Damn, I'm right here. What is it?
HARKER: Hi.
DRACULA: Hi...?
HARKER: Just wanted to bring back your key andtellyoutostopsexingupmywoman.
DRACULA: So you two are getting married?
HARKER: I guess, if I can get her to settle down.
DRACULA: What time period is this, again?
HARKER [checking watch]: Uh... judging by the costumes, I'm going to say.. early faux-Edwardian?
DRACULA: And nobody has a problem with her hanging out with some goob in the middle of the night in her nightgown, and then not even wanting to marry him?
HARKER: Doesn't look like it, no.
DRACULA: My kind of woman. Tell the Sewards I'm inviting them to dinner tomorrow night.
HARKER: What about me?
DRACULA: Oh, you're LEAVING. Business in town on my behalf, etc.
HARKER: *glare*
The Goobermobile, Dark and Freaky Woods
RENFIELD: *pops out of backseat*
SEWARD: AHHHH! RENFIELD! STOP EATING MY NECK!
CAR WITH HALF THE CREW: *is clearly seen on the road behind them*
NEARBY VAMPIRE BAT: BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Asylum-by-the-Sea
Renfield is committed. They tie him down and, following the most important loony bin procedures, proceed to... cut his hair.
Funeral, Cemetery-by-the-Sea
Everyone stands a regulation ten feet apart up and down the hill for maximum artistic effect. Afterwards, Lucy walks Harker to the Goobermobile.
HARKER: Come on, Lucy, come into town with me. It'll be a little... not very romantic... getaway... or something.
LUCY: No.
HARKER: HOR.
SEWARD: Too bad we won't be able to go to the Count's for dinner tonight--I have to meet Van Helsing at the station.
LUCY: Dinner? Count? What?
SEWARD: Oh, it must have totally slipped my mind, and I'm sure Harker didn't mention it because he's a jealous goob. Anyway. Dinner. Count's. Tonight. Can't make it.
LUCY: No, no, you go meet Dr. Van Helsing and I'll go be dinner for the Count.
SEWARD: What?
LUCY: I said, I'll go have dinner with the Count.
SEWARD: Oh. Okay. Well, clearly, we're extremely progressive Edwardians who don't mind young women hanging out with their fiancés while in their nightgowns, so I can't imagine why I'd object to you having dinner with a sexy vampire all by yourself. Have fun!
© 2004 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
WOLVES: *howl sexily*
Train-Station-by-the-Sea
VAN HELSING: I embrace you tenderly in grief, my friend.
SEWARD: There, there. You just let your daughter come stay at an insane asylum next door to a dark and freaky castle. I'm sure none of us saw this coming.
Giant Hall, Dark and Freaky Castle
The rest of the movie looks like shit, but the castle looks like a million freaky bucks. A camera on the ceiling watches Lucy walk in, and a huge spiderweb is draped in front of the camera so a v. v. symbolic spider can creep towards her.
DRACULA: Good evening. Let me see to your comfort.
LUCY: Oh yeah. That's what I'm talkin' about.
Carriage-by-the-Sea, En Route to House of Crazy
SEWARD: It was the damnedest thing. Sleepwalking, nightmares, laudanum, blood loss--and then she was just dead.
VAN HELSING: Are you any good at medicine at all?
Dining Room, Dark and Freaky Castle
Dracula and Lucy have an intimate dinner on the opposite ends of a 50-foot table surrounded by 10,000 candles.
DRACULA [close-up amid many candles]: I am the last of my kind, conquering race, buried many friends (mostly because I ate them), etc.
LUCY: [closer-up amid many candles]: Aww.
DRACULA [closer-up]: You speak Romanian? How convenient.
LUCY [even closer-up]: How'd you know that?
DRACULA [SO CLOSE-UP OMG]: Oh, it was in the script.
Asylum-by-the-Sea
SOME WOMAN: *CRASH THROUGH WINDOW!*
CRAZY CREWCUT WOMAN: Aieeeee! She kilt my baby!
SOME DEAD BABY DOLL: *lies in pool of blood on floor*
SEWARD: This is terrible!
VAN HELSING: My dear, tell us what happened.
CRAZY CREWCUT WOMAN: TherewasthisladyandherfacewasallplasterandhereyeswereallredandshehadtheseTEETH!likewolvesfangsanditwasTERRIBLE!andshekiltmyBABY!
SEWARD: So it was just some woman, and nobody you knew, because none of us have ever read the book, or anything.
CRAZY CREWCUT WOMAN: Oh, no! I knew her! It was Miss Mina!
VAN HELSING: *sour face*
SOUR FACE: *looks like this: [B^[ *
Outside on Balcony, Dark and Freaky Castle
Thrill! to the Music of Sexy Vampire Love! See! the sights of some random balcony! Hear! the local English seashore wolves the children of the night!
DRACULA: What sad music they make.
LUCY: Oh, I think it's fabulous.
DRACULA: You're... kinda freaky, aren't you?
© 2004 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
LUCY: Oh, I just like dark scary things, and the howling of wolves, and the sexy undead. The night was made to enjoy!
DRACULA: I think I love you.
LUCY: So what are you so afraid of?
DRACULA: I just want to warn you... I only come when I'm called, so if you get, you know, tired of me or fearful for your eternal soul or dead or something, you have only yourself to blame.
LUCY: I came of my own accord!
DRACULA: Rock. Let's make out.
LUCY: I thought you'd never ask.
Library, Asylum-by-the-Sea, Dawn
Van Helsing has sat up all night reading medical books and making his sour face at pictures of vampire bats.
BOOK: So, there are bats with giant teeth that match the wounds on your daughter's neck, and they suck blood, and there might even be human vampires. Really, you should know this already, because you're actually supposed to be v. v. learned in the occult and, in fact, a famous vampire hunter.
VAN HELSING: *wheels...slowly... turning...*
BOOK: BATS. DAUGHTER. VAMPIRE. KILL.
© 2004 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
VAN HELSING: * [B^[ *
Bench, Mina's-Grave-by-the-Sea
LUCY: So... why did you put garlic flowers on your daughter's grave, exactly?
VAN HELSING: Have you heard of vampires?
LUCY [shiftily]: No... and I certainly didn't have dinner with one last night, why do you ask?
VAN HELSING: Look, just wear this cross, all right? It was going to be Mina's birthday present.
ALTERNATE-UNIVERSE MINA, THREE MONTHS FROM NOW: Wow, Daddy! This is the best birthday present ever!
After a good five minutes of BA-DUM! BA-DUM! on the soundtrack, Dracula rides up on a black stallion.
DRACULA: I have come to pay my respects.
VAN HELSING: Ain't that Christian of you.
DRACULA: MISS SEWARD, WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
LUCY: Oh, this cross? It was a gift from Dr. Van Helsing.
DRACULA AND VAN HELSING: *make dueling sour faces at each other*
Bedroom, House of Crazy, That Night
Lucy gazes at herself in the mirror, then takes off Van Helsing's cross. Thoughtfully, she leaves the window unlocked.
Cemetery-by-the-Sea
SEWARD: So... a white stallion will tell us if something's evil in the graveyard?
VAN HELSING: Something like that, yes.
WHITE STALLION: What is WRONG with you people? We're out in a graveyard at, like, midnight traipsing around a bunch of fresh graves! I wanna go HOME!
VAN HELSING: Is that a yes or a no?
WHITE STALLION: OMGWTF! *stamps*
VAN HELSING: Look! It's stamping! EVIL IS NEAR!
WHITE STALLION [galloping home]: Screw y'all! The wizard pays me better!
Bedroom, House of Crazy
The thoughtfully-unlocked windows blow open mistily, and Dracula poses in the doorway. There is much doffing of fancy-dress capes and fifteen-layer lace robes.
DRACULA: Ooo, this nightgown only has one layer of lace! And it doesn't even have sleeves!
LUCY: Just for you, baby.
DRACULA: *lifts Lucy into his arms and carries her three feet to the bed* By the way, I need your blood.
LUCY: Oh, okay.
DRACULA: *shows Roxula how it's done*
CAMERA: *switches over to Breast-o-Vision*
Psychedelic crimson love ensues. A superimposed bat flaps around. They make out in silhouette. The closest thing I can compare it to is a really wonky old-school James Bond title sequence. ON FIRE.
SEXY MUSIC OF TRIUMPH: *blares*
Cemetery-by-the-Sea
Seward and Van Helsing are digging up Mina's coffin.
SEWARD: My God, her body's gone!
STOKER FANS: *grumble grumble supposed to be Lucy grumble daughter my ass grumble*
VAN HELSING: Look! There's a tunnel through her grave to the mines underneath the cemetery!
STOKER FANS: *heads explode*
VAN HELSING: *shimmies down the tunnel*
SEWARD: You... you do that. I will sit right here with a cross in each hand. Have a party for me.
Tunnel-Under-the-Grave-to-the-Mines-by-the-Sea
VAMPIRE BAT: I KEEL YOU!
VAN HELSING: AHHHH!
VAN HELSING'S CROSS: *goes flying*
A figure approaches, dressed in dirty rags. The eyes are red and the skin looks like a bad accident at the plaster-of-Paris factory.
PLASTER MINA: Pa...pa!
VAN HELSING: Mina...?
PLASTER MINA: I KEEL YOU, PAPA!
Seward comes to the rescue and burns Mina's face with a cross. He flings her away--directly onto Van Helsing's stake.
SEWARD: Wow, that couldn't have worked better if we'd tried.
VAN HELSING: *weeps and howls*
SEWARD: Dude, I know you're Olivier and all, but... really, they're not giving you any awards for this one.
VAN HELSING: Oh. Well, let's go, then.
Bedroom, House of Crazy
Harker peeks into Lucy's room and finds her sprawled across the bed in the comatose afterglow of psychedelic love.
HARKER: OH MY GOD!
SEWARD: Oh, hi, Harker, getting it on with my daughter again? Good show.
HARKER: HELP, SHE'S DYING!
VAN HELSING: Look! She also has neck wounds pastede on yay!
Seward runs a transfusion from Harker to Lucy while Van Helsing runs around with a basket of garlic plants from Occult Herbs 'R' Us.
HARKER: And that's supposed to help... how?
VAN HELSING: Don't trifle with me, goob.
Library, House of Crazy
VAN HELSING: Wow, I am so tired from running around with the garlic all day. I will stand in front of this giant mirror and take a breather.
MIRROR: *shows library doors opening by themselves*
DRACULA: Hi, I thought I'd drop by and give away my game.
VAN HELSING: That's funny, because I was totally looking into this giant mirror the whole time and didn't see anyone come in.
DRACULA: *freaks out and throws a vase at the mirror, smashing it*
VAN HELSING: * [B^[ *
DRACULA: So, uh... how's Miss Seward?
VAN HELSING: Yeah, about that. You might find my diagnosis interesting. My prescription is for--
DRACULA: More cowbell?
VAN HELSING [whipping out garlic bouquet]: MORE GARLIC!
Dracula runs away from the bouquet and hisses like a mad cat from the corner. He tries to zombify Van Helsing into coming closer, but it doesn't work, so he goes back over to Van Helsing, even though he ran away from him in the first place because of the garlic. Whatever.
VAN HELSING: *whips out some sort of cross that looks like a Holy Sunflower*
DRACULA: SACRILEGE!
VAN HELSING: No, that's all you, right there.
DRACULA: *jumps through the window, turns into a wolf as he crosses the threshhold*
VAN HELSING: * [B^[ *
Hall Outside Library, House of Crazy
SEWARD: ... so I think the transfusion went rather well.
HARKER: Rather! ...What's wrong with you, Van Helsing?
VAN HELSING: *is having a mild heart attack*
SEWARD: Speak up there, old man.
VAN HELSING: Dracula! Was here! To kill me!
HARKER: What?
VAN HELSING: DRACULA!
HARKER: What?
VAN HELSING: VAMPIRE!
HARKER: WHY DOES NO ONE TELL ME THESE THINGS?
SEWARD: Because you're a goob, son.
Cemetery-by-the-Sea
MINA: *is no longer plastered*
SEWARD: Wow, she looks alive.
VAN HELSING: Weird, I know. Particularly since we staked her once already.
SEWARD: So what're you gonna do about it?
VAN HELSING: Take out her heart and burn it.
HARKER: Uh...
VAN HELSING: *does*
HARKER, SEWARD, AND ATTENDING SERVANTS: *gag retch cringe faint eww*
LUCY [watching from bedroom window]: So... I'd really like some tea.
MAID: Well, I'm supposed to sit here and watch you and make sure that you don't go anywhere, so... tea it is!
House of Crazy, Later That Afternoon
HARKER: So, where's Lucy?
MAID: Oh, she wanted some tea, so I left the room and--
HARKER: OMGWTF!
CROSS: *is left behind on pillow*
VAN HELSING: * [B^[ *
Woods-by-the-Sea
Lucy is driving a carriage hell for leather through the woods over to the Dark and Freaky Castle, although the last time I checked, it was right next door. Harker and the doctors follow in the Goobermobile and manage to block her path.
LUCY: OUT OF MY WAY! I MUST HAVE SEXY VAMPIRE LOVE!
MEN: NOOOOO!
LUCY: THEN I KEEL YOU!
SEWARD: Lucy, really, I'm pretty sure the Goobermobile would win that match-up.
LUCY: THEN I KEEL MYSELF!
VAN HELSING: Good God, no! Your eternal soul will be lost!
LUCY: Who's the old goat?
SEWARD: That's the eminent Dr. Van Helsing, your friend Mina's father.
LUCY: So you're Van Helsing?
© 2004 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
VAN HELSING: Yes...?
LUCY: I WANT MY MONEY BACK!
Lucy begins whaling on Van Helsing with her riding crop. The men tackle her and drag her back to House of Crazy.
Basement, Dark and Freaky Castle
VAN HELSING: I thought you said you gave the key back to Dracula.
HARKER: ...
VAN HELSING: ...
HARKER: Shut up, man.
There in the middle of the basement sits the Box o' Dracula (DO NOT OPEN, SEXY VAMPIRE INSIDE) from the beginning of the movie.
VAN HELSING [cracking open crate]: I KEEL Y...
BOX O' DRACULA: *is empty*
VAN HELSING: DAMMIT!
DRACULA [posing in doorway]: I'm undead, not stupid.
VAN HELSING: I underestimated your powers to move around in daylight.
DRACULA: Even though you saw me at your daughter's grave the other afternoon.
VAN HELSING: Whatever.
HARKER [brandishing cross]: I CROSS YOU!
DRACULA [grabbing cross]: Whatever, goob.
CROSS: *bursts into flame*
DRACULA: You know what's hotter than that cross? YOUR WOMAN!
HARKER: DAMN YOUUUU, SEXY VAMPIRE!
Dracula turns into a bat and eats Harker's face while Van Helsing patiently hacks away at a beam holding up some debris under a window.
HARKER: VAN HELSING! FOR THE LOVE OF--AHHHH! LOVE OF GOD--AHHHH! WHY AREN'T YOU--AHHHHH! HELPING M--AHHHHHHHHHH!
VAN HELSING: *hacks*
The beam takes its sweet time coming down, but finally it does, and the Dark and Freaky Basement is flooded with light.
BAT: *bursts into flame*
HARKER: My mangled face thanks you for eventually saving me, man.
Loony Bin, Asylum-by-the-Sea
HARKER: How could you! Commit your own daughter!
SEWARD: In case you haven't noticed, she's a violent nympho bitch now.
HARKER: Let me go talk to her.
VAN HELSING: All right, but watch yourself.
HARKER: She wouldn't possibly--
VAN HELSING: I know a thing or two about violent nympho bitches, son, I was married to one. WATCH YOURSELF.
Lucy's Padded Room
Lucy is wearing a lovely pale asylum-issue chiffon gown with giant, pleated sleeves.
LUCY: Jonathan, can you still love me?
CHIFFON GOWN: *is filmy*
HARKER: I worship you.
LUCY: Good. What were you and the boys doing to Mina?
HARKER: ...
LUCY: Well, what were you and Van Helsing doing at the Dark and Freaky Castle?
HARKER: ...
LUCY [slinking filmily]: Come on, you can tell me. He'll find out anyway. HE CAN READ YOUR MIND.
HARKER: AHHHHH!
LUCY: Tell me if I sex you up?
HARKER: *thinks about it*
LUCY: *pushes him down on the bed, grows fangs, goes red-eyed*
HARKER: AHHHHH!
THE DOCTORS: *bust in*
VAN HELSING [brandishing crucifix]: IN THE NAME OF THIS WOODEN JESUS I COMMAND YOU TO LAY OFF THE GOOBER!
LUCY [sobbing]: I love you, Wooden Jesus!
THE MEN: *leave Lucy tearfully snuggling her crucifix*
Renfield's Padded Room
RENFIELD: I wish I had a kitten. A sleek, little playful kitten. I'd pet him and stroke him and name him George FEED HIM...
Dracula climbs up the walls of the House of Crazy and rips the window bars out.
RENFIELD: AHHH! MERCY, MERCY!
DRACULA: *has no mercy, snaps Renfield's neck*
SOME CHAINED-UP GUY IN THE NEXT BUNK: WAHHHHH!
Loony Bin, Asylum-by-the-Sea
A riot magically breaks out for no reason at all. While Harker and the doctors try to deal with that, a magical carpet of vapor sweeps under the door of Lucy's padded cell. There is a big explosion, and everyone runs into her room to see what the hell just happened. There's a giant hole in the padded wall, and a stormy gust nearly knocks everyone over.
SEWARD: Wow, who knew that air pressure was so important in a third-story padded room?
LUCY: *clings to Dracula as he creeps face-down the wall*
© 2004 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
DRACULA: Thank you for traveling Air Dracula. Please remain on my back until we have reached our destination.
Dark-and-Freaky-Forest-by-the-Sea
Dracula hurries through the dawn-dappled woods, Lucy unconscious in his arms, in a striking picture of erotic power.
DRACULA: You know, we'd escape faster if you'd GET UP AND RUN.
LUCY: *plays dead*
THE GOOBERMOBILE: *speeds after them*
Dark and Freaky Castle
DRACULA: I have had many brides, but you will be queen of them all!
OTHER BRIDES: HEY!
DRACULA: For a while yet, you will remain a creature of the sun, but then you will join me on a higher plane and we will create more of our kind!
LUCY: Oh, God, is this going to involve a lot of laboratories and lightning and dubious science?
© 2004 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
DRACULA: Just get in the box, okay?
Goobermobile, Woods-by-the-Sea
SEWARD: OMG THAT GUY! HE'S GOT THE BOX O' DRACULA!
CART DRIVER: Hi!
VAN HELSING: Stop, stop! You have a sexy vampire in your cart!
CART DRIVER: Sure thing, I'll j--AHHHHHHHHH!
HORSES: *go nuts*
SEWARD: After them!
CHASE SCENE: Car! Cart! Box! Car! Cart! Box! CAR! CART! BOX! BOX! BOX!
CART DRIVER: *is thrown from runaway cart, dies of light fall*
HARKER: *runs the Goobermobile into a tree*
VAN HELSING [getting out of steaming crumpled car]: If we are defeated, there is no God!
© 2004 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
GOD: Hey, I'm little busy up here with wars and famines and stuff, do you mind?
Scarborough (Some-Port-by-the-Sea)
Somehow Harker and the two doctors get a new ride and track the cart to Some Port, where they discover that the Box o' Dracula has been put on a ship headed for Romania.
THE AUDIENCE: So that's why Lucy speaking Romanian was important!
STOKER FANS: *still dead from that thing about the mine tunnels*
Some Ship Bound for Romania
HARKER: Hey! HEY! Box o' Dracula, where it is?
SAILORS: Dude, we don't speak English--how do we know?
VAN HELSING: NOS. FER. A. TU.
SAILORS: *shrug*
Harker tears through the ship looking for the box. Finally, down in the basement hold of the ship, he and Van Helsing find and open the long-sought Box o' Dracula. Lucy and Dracula are curled up inside.
HARKER: So... uh... I guess we...
VAN HELSING: Yeah... I know, I totally expected them to leap out or something.
LUCY: RAAAAAAAAAA!
While Harker struggles with Crazy Vampire Lucy, Van Helsing stands over the crate with a stake in his hand.
VAN HELSING: So... uh....
HARKER: Kill him!
VAN HELSING: ...I guess I...
HARKER: KILL HIM!
© 2004 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
VAN HELSING: ...well, okay...
DRACULA: RAAAAAAAAAA! *stakes Van Helsing to the wall*
HARKER: Holy shit, that wasn't supposed to happen! *shoots at Dracula several times*
DRACULA: Ahhh, what a lovely aerated feeling. Now hand over my woman.
With his last breath, Van Helsing grabs some nearby hook swinging on a rope and hurls it into Dracula's back where, for some reason, it catches.
DRACULA: RRRRREWR!
Harker turns some crank that hoists Dracula up to the ship's mast and hangs him up under the psychedelically red sun, which burns him to a nasty mess as he continues to fight and snarl like a mad cat.
DRACULA: RREWR! RRRRREWR! HISS!
LUCY: I hide under my massive sleeves in grief!
DRACULA: *dies*
LUCY: *is magically cured*
VAN HELSING: [X^[
Dracula's cape rips away and flies away into the wind... like a giant bat.
WOLVES: *howl sexily*
LUCY: *smiles dreamily*
CLEO: What?
FIN.
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© 2004 Cleolinda Jones.
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Coming soon: The Day After Tomorrow, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, King Arthur. Up next: A highly-requested movie currently out on DVD.
