(no subject)
So, there is some emotional, self-searching kind of stuff beneath the cut. Nothing too major, but if you're not in the mood for it, well, feel free to skip. I've put this here to get some stuff out and to relate to others.
Today I established that I am too stressed. Not just stressed. TOO STRESSED.
Which in itself isn't the biggest realisation to have. People acknowledge that they're stressed all the time. But my realisation was that I was beginning to not handle my stress particularly well. I've been snapping. At myself. At others. At inanimate objects, noises, legal concepts. You name it, I've felt unpleasantly about it. The moment it hit me was when I was chatting to a very dear friend and talking through a rather frustrating academic situation. About half an hour into the conversation I noted that I was completely calm. At peace. Not anxiety-ridden like I'd been for the past two weeks. Not talking about how stressed I was with responsibilities, family implosions, and academic-related confusion.
Why?
Because I'd taken a step outside of my own self-interested bubble to understand the situation of another. I'd taken the increasingly strong microscopic view off my own academic/journalistic/career/relationship performance, and thought of something else. Granted, something else was the sucky situation of another, but apparently that's the perspective I needed. Unintentional credit where unintentional credit is due, flame-haired man -tips hat-
So, noting I'm a giant pus-filled pimple of stress, what do we do about it?
It's never as simple as the mental professionals suggest. 'Taking a break' or 'treating yourself' isn't so simple when you're muddling your way through a challenging law degree, attempting to write for several publications at once, and never really stopping the search for paid employment. There isn't time to breath amongst all that, and that doesn't include the social and emotional aspects of life like relationships, family, maintaining your humble abode, and remembering to shower. So what to do when your body and mind say 'SLOW THE HELL DOWN' when, well, you don't have that luxury?
The best thing I ever picked up from the on-face-value pointless LLB/JD subject - Dispute Resolution - is that issues are never as clear as people present them. There are always, ALWAYS underlying motivations behind actions, emotions, frustrations and problems. Half of them we don't have the clarity to comprehend. For instance, I've been angry all week at the unrelenting flow of responsibilities heading my way. One thing after another after another. I never have time to take a break, and if I ever do, I feel guilty for not doing what needs doing. A lot of people face this demon. But what's beneath all that? Why am I so stressed about that wall of responsibility? I mean, sure, be stressed, but is anger a part of stress?
So I force myself to think of what lies beneath. Why do I feel guilty? Why does that guilt cause anger, and bitterness, and to be honest, Super Bitch Christine. Here, friends, is my answer:
My least favourite thing to feel in the world is disappointment. Whether it be disappointment in myself, or having someone express disappointment in me. I simply can't handle it. Pair this with having very high expectations of myself in life, not least of them, to enter paid employment in an area that I enjoy and excel at. My intention is for this to be law-related, with hints of journalism. So muddling through my law course and finding myself falling behind, or not understanding a concept, makes me feel like a failure. An absolutely useless, sodding failure. So, with that in mind (a lingering sense that I am a failure), let's look at my situation again. Of course I'm going to feel overwhelmed by the tasks ahead of me, and experience guilt whenever I be so luxurious as to take five minutes off. Because I'm a failure. I've already failed. If I wasn't a failure, it would be easy, right? I wouldn't be having this problem.
Now, the logical side of me knows the above isn't true. Writing it out, I know I'm not a failure. I'm an intelligent woman with reasonable life goals and the means to achieve them. But almost insidiously those thoughts fuel my actions. They fuel my desire to pursue the task, to complete the task, to take a break from the task, to stop taking a break because if I was good at it I wouldn't need a break, and ultimately, to store the task away to complete later, when I'm not a failure. How was I ever going to succeed if what fuelled me was never positive to begin with? Ain't healthy, is it?
So I'm taking the time to re-assess my motivations. Making sure I know my own value, my own limitations, and just figuring out what's important to me. Because right now there's a big old haze of Judgemental Christine getting in the way of emotional clarity.