Give me the strength
Yesterday was a hell of a day. I babysat the night before and the woman I was babysitting for didn't get home until 2:30 in the morning. I had to wake up five hours later to go to mass but, instead, woke up at 7:54... mass began at eight. Then I had to go to work for about four hours and then I went to my first A Midsummer Night's Dream rehearsal. I'm playing Titania :D I love it. After that I went out with a few friends. I thought I was going to fall over dead. I was so tired. I wasn't able to go to bed until 1:00 last night (or morning, whichever lol) because I was talking to this guy that I went on a few dates with.
I don't want a boyfriend, I just want to have fun. He can't seem to really understand that. I guess I'm scared of commitment because I know how fickle I am. Yeah, I'd be having fun with him but what if the really, amazingly attractive guy who plays Oberon shows interest in me? I would end up hurting the first guy if I started to like Oberon. Atleast I'm realizing this and realizing how I am before I jump into anything. Plus! I'm going to college. Who wants a boyfriend when they first go into college? ..... but really, the guy that plays Oberon is gorgeous :) lucky me!
So, this show has been driving me crazy. I can't do shows any more! Memorizing lines is so stressful for me that I get irregular, which makes me bloated, which, in turn, spikes my ED and depression because I feel so fat! I need to go to the doctor because I suffered from this all school year and no way will I suffer from it throughout college. Ugh.
Basically, I have no deep thoughts because my mind has been so focused on being fat and trying to get regular again. That's pretty sad. I'm always full of thoughts. See, I lost all of my high school years to this crap. I ruined relationships and caused my parents so much grief. As much as I want the constipation to be fixed, I want the ED to stay. I like the attention I get from it and the control I have. But then again, I want help. However, no one (besides my parents, but what can they do?) believes I'm really sick. Sometimes, I just want to crawl into my bed and never come out because I feel so awful about myself. But, once I get out, I feel great. I forget that I'm bloated and compared to everyone else, I'm not fat. It's just when I'm home- when I know I need to memorizing lines or doing whatever I have to get done. Ohhh life. This too shall pass. I have faith :)
So, I think I'll go running. Maybe get things moving hahaha.
Faith. Hope. Love.
Maria
I don't want a boyfriend, I just want to have fun. He can't seem to really understand that. I guess I'm scared of commitment because I know how fickle I am. Yeah, I'd be having fun with him but what if the really, amazingly attractive guy who plays Oberon shows interest in me? I would end up hurting the first guy if I started to like Oberon. Atleast I'm realizing this and realizing how I am before I jump into anything. Plus! I'm going to college. Who wants a boyfriend when they first go into college? ..... but really, the guy that plays Oberon is gorgeous :) lucky me!
So, this show has been driving me crazy. I can't do shows any more! Memorizing lines is so stressful for me that I get irregular, which makes me bloated, which, in turn, spikes my ED and depression because I feel so fat! I need to go to the doctor because I suffered from this all school year and no way will I suffer from it throughout college. Ugh.
Basically, I have no deep thoughts because my mind has been so focused on being fat and trying to get regular again. That's pretty sad. I'm always full of thoughts. See, I lost all of my high school years to this crap. I ruined relationships and caused my parents so much grief. As much as I want the constipation to be fixed, I want the ED to stay. I like the attention I get from it and the control I have. But then again, I want help. However, no one (besides my parents, but what can they do?) believes I'm really sick. Sometimes, I just want to crawl into my bed and never come out because I feel so awful about myself. But, once I get out, I feel great. I forget that I'm bloated and compared to everyone else, I'm not fat. It's just when I'm home- when I know I need to memorizing lines or doing whatever I have to get done. Ohhh life. This too shall pass. I have faith :)
So, I think I'll go running. Maybe get things moving hahaha.
Faith. Hope. Love.
Maria