Unsure of things...fuck it.
David got online last night obviously. And I was very happy that he got on. He asked me to call, so I did. Then he had to leave right after I called. That was gay. He was going out with his new navy friends. Yeah, he went ahead and joined. And I'm happy for him, but it's kinda fucked for me I guess. Well, he said call back in 20 minutes and he would be there, lead on. He wasn't there. I called back 5 minutes late. Yeah yeah.. wow a whole 5 minutes. But it was 5 minutes more that he had. And he wasn't there. I waited up til 12 30 calling that fucking hotel and he wasn't there. I was pissed. But I went to bed.
While we were online last night, I asked him if we were an "us" and he said he hoped so. But I never really answered him with that. So, I guess we're both still single, just into eachother. I'm not sure how that would work with us. I told him I didn't know if I could guarantee him a future with me. That was dumb. I should have said, "If you don't go into the Navy, I'll be yours forever." But no.. no I'm stupid and I didn't come out with my feelings. BAH! Fuck a goat.
Justin wants to hang out again Thursday night. I'm not sure if I'll stay over there or not but he wants to hang out. And as soon as I figure out what's up with me and David, I'm going to decide on whether this certain, -cough- shower, should be arranged. I'm just not sure what to do.
ADSFASDJLh1208f94e5#$%0df/
I skipped band camp this morning. I just stayed home. My dad didn't really care. We're not learning anything with that damn thing anyway. So, why be there? It's just wasting my summer. We went to Kirksville to Walmart and GNC and then came back home. And my dad and Delby cleaned out the garage and got the Lincoln started. I drove it. Oh god. BOAT! That thing is a 1974 Yellow Lincoln. And it's as big as a boat. The wheel has way too much play in it. And I'm scared of it now. LoL. I only almost went off the road once while I was driving it. Mind you, there's no shoulder on roads around here. It's just a road. But it was also raining, so maybe I would have different luck in different weather on another road? Fuck, I'm not sure. But I don't wanna drive that car. I dunno, maybe I could get used to it and learn to love it, but I.. god. -sigh- I'm lost. Don't listen to me. Don't even read anymore.
I just keep thinking, what would happen if I did get with David? He's gorgeous and so far he's fucking flawless of all knowledge but he's in the Navy as of next year I'm guessing. He's going to graduate next spring. I don't think I could allow myself to get close to him, and then lose him. It's just not worth it I don't think. It's already infatuation. I suck. I need to not fall so easily like this. And I've been trying to keep it at a minimum.. it's just not working very well. The way he was while he was here Sunday. God.. oh man. Everything I've ever dreamed of being able to call mine, and now its at my fingertips.. Do I grab it? Or do I walk on and try to find a replica of him who's not in the fucking Navy!? I don't know if I could handle it. It's already to the point of, I can't talk to him until night.. But what's going to happen when he's gone for a week at a time? Am I going to be able to take that? OR LONGER!? I think I would lose my mind. Unless it was like, he guaranteed me, with complete honesty, that he wasn't going to mess around. Or that he would TRY to call me..
I'm making too big of a deal out of this. I'm out. L8r
While we were online last night, I asked him if we were an "us" and he said he hoped so. But I never really answered him with that. So, I guess we're both still single, just into eachother. I'm not sure how that would work with us. I told him I didn't know if I could guarantee him a future with me. That was dumb. I should have said, "If you don't go into the Navy, I'll be yours forever." But no.. no I'm stupid and I didn't come out with my feelings. BAH! Fuck a goat.
Justin wants to hang out again Thursday night. I'm not sure if I'll stay over there or not but he wants to hang out. And as soon as I figure out what's up with me and David, I'm going to decide on whether this certain, -cough- shower, should be arranged. I'm just not sure what to do.
ADSFASDJLh1208f94e5#$%0df/
I skipped band camp this morning. I just stayed home. My dad didn't really care. We're not learning anything with that damn thing anyway. So, why be there? It's just wasting my summer. We went to Kirksville to Walmart and GNC and then came back home. And my dad and Delby cleaned out the garage and got the Lincoln started. I drove it. Oh god. BOAT! That thing is a 1974 Yellow Lincoln. And it's as big as a boat. The wheel has way too much play in it. And I'm scared of it now. LoL. I only almost went off the road once while I was driving it. Mind you, there's no shoulder on roads around here. It's just a road. But it was also raining, so maybe I would have different luck in different weather on another road? Fuck, I'm not sure. But I don't wanna drive that car. I dunno, maybe I could get used to it and learn to love it, but I.. god. -sigh- I'm lost. Don't listen to me. Don't even read anymore.
I just keep thinking, what would happen if I did get with David? He's gorgeous and so far he's fucking flawless of all knowledge but he's in the Navy as of next year I'm guessing. He's going to graduate next spring. I don't think I could allow myself to get close to him, and then lose him. It's just not worth it I don't think. It's already infatuation. I suck. I need to not fall so easily like this. And I've been trying to keep it at a minimum.. it's just not working very well. The way he was while he was here Sunday. God.. oh man. Everything I've ever dreamed of being able to call mine, and now its at my fingertips.. Do I grab it? Or do I walk on and try to find a replica of him who's not in the fucking Navy!? I don't know if I could handle it. It's already to the point of, I can't talk to him until night.. But what's going to happen when he's gone for a week at a time? Am I going to be able to take that? OR LONGER!? I think I would lose my mind. Unless it was like, he guaranteed me, with complete honesty, that he wasn't going to mess around. Or that he would TRY to call me..
I'm making too big of a deal out of this. I'm out. L8r