just let it be over with
Don't ask me why, but for some reason I feel extremely denied and cheated. Me and Joel aren't in such good shape right now and I'm trying to fix it, I'm trying to be better for him, I'm trying to help him, help us! Then here comes a really pretty, really cool girl, and I'm not mentioning any names, because I'm sure if she reads it, she'll feel bad. But I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I just don't want to lose Joel. I'm just not sure what to do anymore. I love him and I need him. I just dont know what I would do without him. I cried so much last night. I stayed with Stacy and we talked about me and Joel and her and Justin. And we got nothing accomplished. In the end we felt better for making fun of all of it. But it didn't help anything at all. Is it messed up to be so scared about all of this? I just feel really lost and miserable. I wish everything could be the way it was before, when he loved me more. When he was happy with me. When it wasn't another girl he was calling beautiful. When he wasn't begging me to get off the phone with him. -sigh- I'm just not happy anymore. Things are too twisted up. You know, sometimes I wonder if I should just get it over with and break up with him. But I sit and cry about it afterwards, thinking of how dumb the thought even was. And of course, we're probably not going to see eachother again for a very long time. I just don't know how we could. We can't spend weekends together because we're too far apart and our parents aren't going to drive that much during the school year. And he works, and lkfasdnb faf! fuck. I'm just so fucking depressed. I hope my dad goes out tonight so I can just sit in my room and cry. This all sucks and I need to get it out. It really sucks. I hate it all.