Dating... and Stuff
So, it has come to my attention that I don't choose to well when it comes to women. So, in response to that, I have recently rediscovered an application to date someone whom I know pretty well, and re-wrote it for myself. So, now, if someone wants to date me, they must fill out this 6 page monstrosity. And no, I'm not kidding about any of it. Also, the applicants will be reviewed by the board of people with my best intereste at heart. They know who they is. And no, I'm not kidding.
Application to Date A M0nk3y
The Written Application
1. Name (First, Middle, Last) ______________________________________
2. Any other legal names or aliases _________________________________
3. Address ____________________________
_______________________________
_______________________________
5. Phone # _________________
6. Work # _________________
7. Other means of contact ______________________
_______________________________
_______________________________
8. Any URL addresses _______________________________
9. Birth Date _________________
10. Do you currently live with your parents?
11. Views on religion 100 words or less:
12. Political Beliefs:
13. Smoker? (Circle) Yes/No
14. Alcohol? Yes/No
14b. If Yes: How much, what types, and how often?
15. Drugs? Yes/No
15b. If Yes: What types? Why? How much / how often?
16. Prescription Medications? Yes/No
16b. If yes, explain what and why.
17. Children? _________________________
18. Views on Having Children in 50 words or less:
19. Explain your feelings towards children in general in 50 words or less:
20. Views on Marriage in 100 words or less:
21. Earring? One/Two/More/None
22. Other Piercings? Yes/No
23. Tattoos/Brandings? Yes/No
24. Have you ever been out of the USA for more than a month at a time? If so, where and why?
25. Birthplace ____________________
26. High School __________________
26b. Graduated? Yes/No
26c. Year ____________
27. Colleges/Universities ____________________
___________________________________
___________________________________
28. Do you enjoy reading? Yes/No
28b. If Yes: What Kinds of Books? Give specific examples.
28.c How much time do you spend reading?
29. Spoken Languages _______________
________________
________________
30. Do You Like Sports? Yes/No
31b. If Yes: Watching on TV? Yes/No
Playing? Yes/No
32. Any Police Record or Lawsuits Filed Against you?
33. Ever Married? Yes/No
33b. if Yes, explain:
34. Still Married? Yes/No
35. In 50 words or less explain your view on parks:
36. Would/Do you like to Travel? Yes/No
37. Explain in 75 words or less your view on money:
38. Explain in 100 words or less your plans for your future (in terms of career):
39. Do you like The Backstreet Boys, *NSync, Britney Spears, etc.? Yes/No (Answer Yes if you like any of them)
40. Do you cook? Yes/No
41. Do you bake? Yes/No
42. Do you clean? Yes/No?
43. Do you do laundry? Specifically ironing? Yes/No
44. Explain your views on pets in 25 words or less:
45. Views on premarital sex:
46. Have you ever been abducted by aliens? Yes/No
47. Your favorite quote:
48. Explain your view of / understanding of "Love" in 100 words or less:
49. Do you sing? Yes/No
50. Play an instrument? Yes/No
50b. If yes: what instrument? _________________
51. Any biases/prejudices etc.? _______________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
52. Do you like to swim? Yes/No
53. Do you like popcorn? Yes/No
54. How long is your hair? _________________________
55. Is your hair spiked/colored etc.? __________________
56. Views on Angelina Jolie or Gina Gershan:
57. Sexual Preference: ____________
57b. Ever dabbled or experimented??? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________
58. Transvestite? Yes/No
59. Transsexual? Yes/No
60. Do you understand/appreciate/enjoy/use sarcasm? Yes/No
61. Do you expect people to get up early in the morning? Yes/No
61b. In 10 words or less define early:
62. Do you expect people to be on time and have definite plans? Yes/No
63. Do you expect people to be decisive? _________________________
64. What are three qualities you prize most in yourself?
1) _______________________________________________
2) _______________________________________________
3) _______________________________________________
65. What are three qualities/aspects you are most ashamed of in yourself?
1) _______________________________________________
2) _______________________________________________
3) _______________________________________________
66. Do you like to use ellipses? Yes/No (Do you know what ellipses are? Yes/No)
67. What kinds of music do you like? Give specific examples:
68. Can you watch the same movies several times in the same month? Yes/No
69. What kinds of movies do you like? Give specific examples:
70. Do you like candles? Yes/No (Scented or Unscented?)
71. Explain in 25 words or less your understanding of the word - Monogamous:
72. Do you like playing with Legos? Yes/No
72b. Other similar toys? (If yes, please list)
73. Do you eat low fat/light/fat free food products (i.e. diet soda, light salad dressing, etc.) because of fat content (not taste)? Yes/No
74. How do you feel about giving massages? ___________________________________
75. Do you tickle people? Yes/No
76. What does it mean to you / What is your reaction when - someone says they need space or room? (Not in the relationship, but in the moment.)_______________________ _______________________________________________________________________
77. Can you apologize? Yes/No
78. Can you admit when you're wrong? Yes/No
79. How do you feel about lying? ____________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
79b. Define "lying"_________________________________________________
79c. Define "honesty" _______________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
80. What is your view on swearing? What do you consider to be "swear words"?
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
81. Have you ever watched/read etc. porn? Yes/No
82. Do you live alone? Yes/No
82b. If no: Who do you live with and why?
83. What is your favorite color? _____________
84. What (if any) cartoons do you like?
85. Are you a fan of animé? Yes/No
85b. If Yes: Specify:
86. In 100 words or less: What is your view on Witchcraft/The Occult/New Age/etc.?
I (your name) _______________ certify under penalty of flogging that the above is complete and true to the best of my knowledge and capability.
Signature: ________________________________Date:________________
This is the end of the Written portion of the "Application to Date a M0nk3y". Please allow up to 13 months for your application to be considered. Before you are informed of the response to your application you are to avoid ALL contact with M0nk3y. Disobedience of this rule will result in immediate disqualification. You will be notified of your standing when all reviews are completed.
03/30/05 Edit:
And if you think that application is long, understand that this has been poorly adapted from an application I actually got, filled out, and waited to hear about. Only problem, of course, being that the original application included 5 paragraph essay, College and High School Transcripts, 3 month waiting period, 6 person board of reviewers, and a signed legal statement stating that any hurt caused to the person was a rightful case for getting killed by the initial author, and a release of liability for the same. So don't bitch. If you choose to fill it out, please leave a comment, and I'll tell you where to send it. I just really don't feel like being told that my breasts need to be bigger. They're too big as it is. Also, this test will probably be re-edited later today for content and accuracy.
Application to Date A M0nk3y
The Written Application
1. Name (First, Middle, Last) ______________________________________
2. Any other legal names or aliases _________________________________
3. Address ____________________________
_______________________________
_______________________________
5. Phone # _________________
6. Work # _________________
7. Other means of contact ______________________
_______________________________
_______________________________
8. Any URL addresses _______________________________
9. Birth Date _________________
10. Do you currently live with your parents?
11. Views on religion 100 words or less:
12. Political Beliefs:
13. Smoker? (Circle) Yes/No
14. Alcohol? Yes/No
14b. If Yes: How much, what types, and how often?
15. Drugs? Yes/No
15b. If Yes: What types? Why? How much / how often?
16. Prescription Medications? Yes/No
16b. If yes, explain what and why.
17. Children? _________________________
18. Views on Having Children in 50 words or less:
19. Explain your feelings towards children in general in 50 words or less:
20. Views on Marriage in 100 words or less:
21. Earring? One/Two/More/None
22. Other Piercings? Yes/No
23. Tattoos/Brandings? Yes/No
24. Have you ever been out of the USA for more than a month at a time? If so, where and why?
25. Birthplace ____________________
26. High School __________________
26b. Graduated? Yes/No
26c. Year ____________
27. Colleges/Universities ____________________
___________________________________
___________________________________
28. Do you enjoy reading? Yes/No
28b. If Yes: What Kinds of Books? Give specific examples.
28.c How much time do you spend reading?
29. Spoken Languages _______________
________________
________________
30. Do You Like Sports? Yes/No
31b. If Yes: Watching on TV? Yes/No
Playing? Yes/No
32. Any Police Record or Lawsuits Filed Against you?
33. Ever Married? Yes/No
33b. if Yes, explain:
34. Still Married? Yes/No
35. In 50 words or less explain your view on parks:
36. Would/Do you like to Travel? Yes/No
37. Explain in 75 words or less your view on money:
38. Explain in 100 words or less your plans for your future (in terms of career):
39. Do you like The Backstreet Boys, *NSync, Britney Spears, etc.? Yes/No (Answer Yes if you like any of them)
40. Do you cook? Yes/No
41. Do you bake? Yes/No
42. Do you clean? Yes/No?
43. Do you do laundry? Specifically ironing? Yes/No
44. Explain your views on pets in 25 words or less:
45. Views on premarital sex:
46. Have you ever been abducted by aliens? Yes/No
47. Your favorite quote:
48. Explain your view of / understanding of "Love" in 100 words or less:
49. Do you sing? Yes/No
50. Play an instrument? Yes/No
50b. If yes: what instrument? _________________
51. Any biases/prejudices etc.? _______________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
52. Do you like to swim? Yes/No
53. Do you like popcorn? Yes/No
54. How long is your hair? _________________________
55. Is your hair spiked/colored etc.? __________________
56. Views on Angelina Jolie or Gina Gershan:
57. Sexual Preference: ____________
57b. Ever dabbled or experimented??? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________
58. Transvestite? Yes/No
59. Transsexual? Yes/No
60. Do you understand/appreciate/enjoy/use sarcasm? Yes/No
61. Do you expect people to get up early in the morning? Yes/No
61b. In 10 words or less define early:
62. Do you expect people to be on time and have definite plans? Yes/No
63. Do you expect people to be decisive? _________________________
64. What are three qualities you prize most in yourself?
1) _______________________________________________
2) _______________________________________________
3) _______________________________________________
65. What are three qualities/aspects you are most ashamed of in yourself?
1) _______________________________________________
2) _______________________________________________
3) _______________________________________________
66. Do you like to use ellipses? Yes/No (Do you know what ellipses are? Yes/No)
67. What kinds of music do you like? Give specific examples:
68. Can you watch the same movies several times in the same month? Yes/No
69. What kinds of movies do you like? Give specific examples:
70. Do you like candles? Yes/No (Scented or Unscented?)
71. Explain in 25 words or less your understanding of the word - Monogamous:
72. Do you like playing with Legos? Yes/No
72b. Other similar toys? (If yes, please list)
73. Do you eat low fat/light/fat free food products (i.e. diet soda, light salad dressing, etc.) because of fat content (not taste)? Yes/No
74. How do you feel about giving massages? ___________________________________
75. Do you tickle people? Yes/No
76. What does it mean to you / What is your reaction when - someone says they need space or room? (Not in the relationship, but in the moment.)_______________________ _______________________________________________________________________
77. Can you apologize? Yes/No
78. Can you admit when you're wrong? Yes/No
79. How do you feel about lying? ____________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
79b. Define "lying"_________________________________________________
79c. Define "honesty" _______________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
80. What is your view on swearing? What do you consider to be "swear words"?
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
81. Have you ever watched/read etc. porn? Yes/No
82. Do you live alone? Yes/No
82b. If no: Who do you live with and why?
83. What is your favorite color? _____________
84. What (if any) cartoons do you like?
85. Are you a fan of animé? Yes/No
85b. If Yes: Specify:
86. In 100 words or less: What is your view on Witchcraft/The Occult/New Age/etc.?
I (your name) _______________ certify under penalty of flogging that the above is complete and true to the best of my knowledge and capability.
Signature: ________________________________Date:________________
This is the end of the Written portion of the "Application to Date a M0nk3y". Please allow up to 13 months for your application to be considered. Before you are informed of the response to your application you are to avoid ALL contact with M0nk3y. Disobedience of this rule will result in immediate disqualification. You will be notified of your standing when all reviews are completed.
03/30/05 Edit:
And if you think that application is long, understand that this has been poorly adapted from an application I actually got, filled out, and waited to hear about. Only problem, of course, being that the original application included 5 paragraph essay, College and High School Transcripts, 3 month waiting period, 6 person board of reviewers, and a signed legal statement stating that any hurt caused to the person was a rightful case for getting killed by the initial author, and a release of liability for the same. So don't bitch. If you choose to fill it out, please leave a comment, and I'll tell you where to send it. I just really don't feel like being told that my breasts need to be bigger. They're too big as it is. Also, this test will probably be re-edited later today for content and accuracy.