♥ 106 - Sanity
“Hey.”
He turned to you and smiled.
“Hey.”
There was a moment of silence as you stood there behind the slightly opened door with him sitting on the edge of his bed, as far as you knew, scrabbling around stacks and stacks of papers.
“It’s past two already,” he said, still smiling, “do you want to talk?”
You cracked the door open a bit more and you chewed your bottom lip, and you’re sure he knew that you were not in your best state, that you suddenly interrupted the other dorm at two thirty in the morning, just few hours after you went back to Korea.
Knowing that you would stay silent, he motioned you to go inside, and you did, but not before you peeked on the other side of the room, seeing Donghae’s empty bed there.
“He’s at Kibum’s,” he stated, as if knowing what you wanted to ask.
You just nodded.
So you slipped in and closed the door quietly, not forgetting to lock the door. The click of the lock echoed through the empty state between you two, and he raised his eyebrow at you, but you said nothing as you walked to his bed and gently put your hand upon his.
“I,” you took a long breath, looking straight at his eyes, and you wondered since when those eye bags became more and more evident, and since when those eyes showed a glimpse of tiredness and exhaustion in a split second before he collected himself back and threw a smile, and that’s when you finally continued, “I miss you.”
It took three seconds for him to smile, not that you counted it but in fact you did.
“I miss you too,” he whispered, looking straight at you, and you could see how his eyes were getting gloomy and gloomier.
Again, you bit your lips, and you squeezed his hand just a bit rougher, thinking of how you should say it. Or perhaps, it would be better if you just leave and say nothing, you thought.
And in all of sudden, he tore the eye contact between you two to the papers just on his lap, slowly shifting those with his free hand just a bit to the left.
“Say it.”
It was almost a whisper, but you knew that he knew that you heard it.
That’s what he said, and that’s what he told you. But there was a moment of confusion, a moment of doubt, as you were thinking about it, until he repeated again, “Say it, Kyu. I know you want to say something.”
It took less than two seconds for you to pull his other free hand to make him look up on you, and you shook your head as you looked at him looking back at you.
“Hyung,” you said, “I hate you.”
He smiled, still all dimpled and gentle.
“I know,” he replied, softly almost that you heard nothing if you didn’t sharpen your ears just a bit more. Still, the same calm state as he had done countless times before, and you hate him for that. You hate him for replying your words, how difficult it was for you to say it, especially to him, and you hate him for replying you so carefreely like that as if it was nothing.
“Seriously,” you said, thinking if your voice had gone harsh and trembled, and you did nothing to regain your voice back that you repeated again, “I hate you.”
He smiled. Again. Still, the same smile as before, the same one you had seen thousand times before, and you hate him for that. You hate him for smiling like that, always and always, as if you were just a fangirl or someone he needs to give a trademark smile of his in the camera.
“I’m serious too,” he said, “that I know that.”
And that’s when you saw something in his eyes saying something else you didn’t know what, and perhaps you would never know what. And that’s what made you pulled his chin up and kissed him roughly, although you could still feel his lips soft and tasted like nothing and you wondered if he had eaten something in the first place, and when you pulled his body close to you and you could feel the sharp and tangled of bones and you wondered if he surely had become skinny and skinnier and that’s when you felt his hands on your back, clutching tight on your shirt, and you tasted something, something salty that made you opened your eyes and looked at him, eyes moistened and almost wet with tears.
You cleared your throat, “You never called me,” you said accusingly, and he nodded.
“I know.”
“You always called the others,” you added, “everyone but me,” and you gently brushed your thumb on his now wet cheeks.
“I know,” he said, closing his eyes for a second and opened it again and that’s when you saw his eyes full of something you’ve only recognized once before in the whole time you’ve known him. Once, when you were sleeping in that hospital after The Accident. Just that one time. Just once.
You shook your head.
“I hate you hyung.” For not calling me.
“I know,” he said.
“I hate you.” For hugging me just a second lesser than your hugs to the other members.
“I know,” he said.
And he didn’t smile.
“Go to sleep,” you said, pushing him roughly to lie on the bed.
And you saw him staring at you. Hard and firm. And that you could not read his eyes, that you knew nothing at all.
“Only if you’re with me,” he whispered, and that’s all needed for you to jump on his bed next to him.
You shoved those paper stacks onto the floor and when you flicked the lamp off and you could feel him snuggled onto your chest and smiled, you pulled the blanket upper and you pulled him closer to you and you placed a soft kiss on each of his eyelids.
“I love you, hyung,” you whispered.
You could feel him smiling.
“I know.”
Started 2008.12.19 1.10 pm
Finished 2008.12.19 1.53 pm