tonight's the night.
THERAPY:
According to my therapist, I should write Tim a letter, telling him everything I need to say. Then I should burn this letter. It is supposed to give me some sort of feeling of justice - or maybe just a feeling of letting go, at least.
It's been a month since she gave me this assignment.
I am terrified, and I haven't started it yet.
Tonight I'm going to do it. I guess I'll have to wait to burn the letter until I get home, because I'm at work now. But tonight's the night. I really want to get this out of the way. It looms over me like a homework stormcloud.
I think I'm afraid to do this assignment because I'm afraid that the underlying pain and suffering won't go away. Last night when I was in J's arms, I suddenly disappeared.
My body went completely numb.
I laid there,
underneath his weight unfeeling.
I stared
ahead at the ceiling.
My eyes were unseeing.
My heart wasn't beating.
I was just... gone.
I guess that happens to victims of sexual assault. I guess sometimes we just disappear inside ourselves during intimacy. I think it's weird that it only really happens once I trust/like someone...? Maybe it is because Tim and Mike were not strangers.
I don't want to do THAT again. I don't want Jason to be a part of my pain. I need to finish this. Tonight's the night.
According to my therapist, I should write Tim a letter, telling him everything I need to say. Then I should burn this letter. It is supposed to give me some sort of feeling of justice - or maybe just a feeling of letting go, at least.
It's been a month since she gave me this assignment.
I am terrified, and I haven't started it yet.
Tonight I'm going to do it. I guess I'll have to wait to burn the letter until I get home, because I'm at work now. But tonight's the night. I really want to get this out of the way. It looms over me like a homework stormcloud.
I think I'm afraid to do this assignment because I'm afraid that the underlying pain and suffering won't go away. Last night when I was in J's arms, I suddenly disappeared.
My body went completely numb.
I laid there,
underneath his weight unfeeling.
I stared
ahead at the ceiling.
My eyes were unseeing.
My heart wasn't beating.
I was just... gone.
I guess that happens to victims of sexual assault. I guess sometimes we just disappear inside ourselves during intimacy. I think it's weird that it only really happens once I trust/like someone...? Maybe it is because Tim and Mike were not strangers.
I don't want to do THAT again. I don't want Jason to be a part of my pain. I need to finish this. Tonight's the night.