(no subject)
I suppose I should update this ting every now and again.
I've found it doesn't work as much anymore, it's not as theraputic as it once was. I rarely read back and remember stuff. Hmm. But I still like writing. Sometimes.
I'm in Suffolk now, living with the old bean again. Looking after her. Driving her about. It's quite a lot of hard work and I don't think she realises. I feel as though I want my own space again. Everywhere I turn there's someone begging for my attention, and everytime I give someone attention, I'm letting someone else down.
Had a bit of a spaz attack this week. It's dawned on me again that my life is a complete wreck and there's nothing I can do about it. I'd like to get a job. But then, it's the same old story. Ideally, I'd like a cleaning job, where I was left alone. Some space. I definatly need the money. The situation is pretty dire at the moment. My Gran is having to pay for my passport. And I got a fucking rediculous phone bill through, which I'm still seething about. Cunts.
Last weekend was a complete disaster. Tiny was a complete wanker to me. And I still don't think he gets what he did wrong. I ran away at 7 in the morning and went to Vic's. I wasn't going to stay there like a fucking idiot and pretend to his entire family that I was happy that he left me in Northolt at 2am in the rain wearing not very much because he was too coked up to give a fuck about anyone else. He text me and said 'If drugs mean more to you than our relationship, then we might as well fuck it.' Which is exactly my sentiment. Except he doesn't beleive that I went to Vic's to get away from him, not get wrecked. I had one pill and a line of K and that was it. I watched TV and cried my eyes out until I fell asleep. I told him this, later, too. The coke needs to stop. Well, not stop. But he needs to learn to handle himself on it. And not spend so much. And tell me he's skint and can't afford to come and see me. Selfish. As. Fuck. But. I need to get over it. He's appologised and assures me that he understands why I did it. And even if he doesn't it's old news. I need to move on and try and enjoy our relationship again. Although, I somehow feel as though I'm being taken for a fool.
I'm looking forward to seeing him, though that won't be until the 11th, as I can't afford the train ticket to Hayes. But I need some space, anyway. It'll be good to see his Mum, at least. Everything we had on Sunday afternoon was really nice. I liked meeting his family and giving him cuddles and actually receiving them back.
I'm going to try and do some work this week, though I only actually have Friday morning to try because there are always children running around everywhere. It's really stressing me out again now. I desperatly need to do this work and NOW. But I have no way of doing it because I don't have the internet or my computer. So I'm FUCKED.
I'm looking forward to HN. I tried my dress on with the new tights. I'm going to buy more like them, they're comfy. And when you run your hand over them, they feel all bumpy. I can't wait to see Minka and Psy. And Phillis is going to be there. And Chedz? I hope so. I'll look on the DSI list... AND then the WATERFIGHT on the 14th. Eeeeee! I wana dress up, but I don't know how...?
I took my dreads out today. Still need to brush my hair, but that can wait until I can be bothered. I'm going to ask Hobbers if she'll bleach it again for me.
We're going out for Jo's Birthday on Saturday... 'All over the place' apparently. I wana go to Big B's for some cheese on toast. And the Grapes. And the Queens for skittles vodka (As long as no chavs touch me.)It'll be good to see everyone again, I'm going to phone Denoire tonight to see if he's home. I hope he is. I miss his musk.
I'm going to re-read the Order of the Phoenix. I ordered it today. I wana read it before I see the film, you see. I'm excited. Shrek the Third, HP AND the Simpsons. I am truely going to spend this month in the cinema <3
I've found it doesn't work as much anymore, it's not as theraputic as it once was. I rarely read back and remember stuff. Hmm. But I still like writing. Sometimes.
I'm in Suffolk now, living with the old bean again. Looking after her. Driving her about. It's quite a lot of hard work and I don't think she realises. I feel as though I want my own space again. Everywhere I turn there's someone begging for my attention, and everytime I give someone attention, I'm letting someone else down.
Had a bit of a spaz attack this week. It's dawned on me again that my life is a complete wreck and there's nothing I can do about it. I'd like to get a job. But then, it's the same old story. Ideally, I'd like a cleaning job, where I was left alone. Some space. I definatly need the money. The situation is pretty dire at the moment. My Gran is having to pay for my passport. And I got a fucking rediculous phone bill through, which I'm still seething about. Cunts.
Last weekend was a complete disaster. Tiny was a complete wanker to me. And I still don't think he gets what he did wrong. I ran away at 7 in the morning and went to Vic's. I wasn't going to stay there like a fucking idiot and pretend to his entire family that I was happy that he left me in Northolt at 2am in the rain wearing not very much because he was too coked up to give a fuck about anyone else. He text me and said 'If drugs mean more to you than our relationship, then we might as well fuck it.' Which is exactly my sentiment. Except he doesn't beleive that I went to Vic's to get away from him, not get wrecked. I had one pill and a line of K and that was it. I watched TV and cried my eyes out until I fell asleep. I told him this, later, too. The coke needs to stop. Well, not stop. But he needs to learn to handle himself on it. And not spend so much. And tell me he's skint and can't afford to come and see me. Selfish. As. Fuck. But. I need to get over it. He's appologised and assures me that he understands why I did it. And even if he doesn't it's old news. I need to move on and try and enjoy our relationship again. Although, I somehow feel as though I'm being taken for a fool.
I'm looking forward to seeing him, though that won't be until the 11th, as I can't afford the train ticket to Hayes. But I need some space, anyway. It'll be good to see his Mum, at least. Everything we had on Sunday afternoon was really nice. I liked meeting his family and giving him cuddles and actually receiving them back.
I'm going to try and do some work this week, though I only actually have Friday morning to try because there are always children running around everywhere. It's really stressing me out again now. I desperatly need to do this work and NOW. But I have no way of doing it because I don't have the internet or my computer. So I'm FUCKED.
I'm looking forward to HN. I tried my dress on with the new tights. I'm going to buy more like them, they're comfy. And when you run your hand over them, they feel all bumpy. I can't wait to see Minka and Psy. And Phillis is going to be there. And Chedz? I hope so. I'll look on the DSI list... AND then the WATERFIGHT on the 14th. Eeeeee! I wana dress up, but I don't know how...?
I took my dreads out today. Still need to brush my hair, but that can wait until I can be bothered. I'm going to ask Hobbers if she'll bleach it again for me.
We're going out for Jo's Birthday on Saturday... 'All over the place' apparently. I wana go to Big B's for some cheese on toast. And the Grapes. And the Queens for skittles vodka (As long as no chavs touch me.)It'll be good to see everyone again, I'm going to phone Denoire tonight to see if he's home. I hope he is. I miss his musk.
I'm going to re-read the Order of the Phoenix. I ordered it today. I wana read it before I see the film, you see. I'm excited. Shrek the Third, HP AND the Simpsons. I am truely going to spend this month in the cinema <3