Will you wish upon me? (I don't pity you. He's not my "e-boyfriend")
You know what? I hate people who think they have it bad because they see their significant other every other day. They only get to make out or fuck at random parties when they're drunk. FUCK YOU. You don't even know the half of it, kids. You couldn't handle what I go through. Nah, I'm not another teenager whining that their crush hasn't kissed them, or there boyfriend/girlfriend hasn't been in school lately or anything trivial like that. You high school kids just don't understand what a REAL relationship is. I fucking hate that shit. I see cute little couples in the hallways walking each other to class, or I hear about someone complaining about thier high school relationship. You want to know how often I get to see my boyfriend? I get to see him MAYBE every 6 months. Sometimes I get emotional after any kinda sexual activity CHris and I have, and he's very understanding and comforting about it. This is one of those times. Worried about your sex life, high school kids? Haven't seen your boyfriend's cock in a few days? I haven't seen mine in months. You know the only sexual activity we can share, kids? I have to finger myself to him moaning and jacking off for me. We masturbate together on the phone. You have it rough? FUCK YOU.
I miss him so much. You people have no fucking clue. Maybe it's because I'm just getting off PMS, I dunno. But, I just started crying and telling him I miss him and I'm sorry, and I want him to come back, and be with me. I don't cry that much anymore. I'm not psychotic, everything doesn't get me freaked anymore. I'm not crying because I'm paranoid he'll leave me, or because something's going on. I fucking miss him. I miss spending time with him. I miss him just.. being there. Can I read it? No. What? No. I don't have any privacy in this house. My door is always open, I get questioned if I try to close it. I wish I had privacy. I never do. Fuck you, it's not your business. My family has no right to know what's going on in my personal life. I was raised into an un-open environment, no one to talk to, no communication, so, no communication you will get. ANYWAY.
I miss him. No one in school could understand what I go through. He doesn't have it as bad because he's not in high school, and doesn't have to see high school relationships all around him. I don't get to see him after school. I don't just miss him in class because he doesn't have that class with me. I miss him every day because I don't get to see him physically every day. When I do get to see him? I have restrictions. He's here for a week. How do you fit all the time you peoplee get, into a week? The tears won't stop. My heart hurts so bad right now. I haven't felt this way in so long. I get this to make it so I don't think about it. I have games, and Live Journal, and Neopets. I try and keep myself from this. But, I can't help it. The tears are streaming. I want to write it down, so I will.
Wanna know why my journal isn't friends only? Because my baby reads my journal. He doesn't have a journal. I don't care about getting spammed or hacked. My baby can read my journal when it's not friends only. I don't keep shit from him. What I write in my journal, he sees. So? He read the thing about Rob, and me being a fuck up. He didn't bullshit me about it. He talked to me about scarves and didn't worry about it. I can't wait until you high school people grow the fuck up and realise it's a waste of your time. You're niave and don't seem to realize (or don't care) that your high school relationship are shit. You significant other doesn't tell you the truth at least half the time. Your significant other is a fucking facade. Want a bet?
I'm a freak beacause I met my boyfriend on the internet. I'm a freak because I met some "stranger" from the internet, in real life. I weird because I somehow fell in love with a person I didn't "know" first. You know what I think about that? I'll know my boyfriend better than you'll ever know any husbands (exes or current) you will have. The internet doesn't need facades. If you need a facade on the internet, go fucking kill yourself. You know what, people? I didn't even see what Chris looked like 4 months into our relationship. I. DIDN'T. FUCKING. CARE. I loved him. I do love him. He's fucking hot, to me. I'll deal with the long hair later. He wants to have long hair? Fine. I love him. He has the most beautiful eyes, and caring face. Fuck you. He's not a facade. He's mine. He's the guy I love. He's not text. He never was text, to me. He was always Christopher. Even when I hated his guts 4 or 5 years ago. He wasn't text to me.
No, I don't pity you because you haven't seen your boyfriend since your last drinking fest. No, I don't pity you because your boyfriend is sick today and can't walk you to class. No, I don't pity you because your boyfriend cheated on you, lied to you, and you didn't realise it because you're too dumb too realize that high school relationships are fake, false, bullshit. My baby told me to try to goto sleep, and call him if I needed him. I'm still crying, but, I don't think I want to bother him. I need to rest, it'll make things better for a while. Maybe you won't tell me you don't understand "e-dating" anymore. I'm not e-dating. He's not my e-boyfriend.
He's kissed my lips, he's tickled my sides, he's held me close as we fell asleep together, he's hugged me and made me feel like he'd never let go, when I was crying, he's touched my vagina in ways I never thought I'd actually allow myself to experience and be comfortable with, he's held my hand and made me feel safe while crossing a street. He's let me know he's not ashamed of his emotions by crying in my arms with me, he's let me know that he loves me being there by being upset when I didn't want to sleep with him due to the floor and noise(he was crying, because I couldn't get to sleep, and decided to sleep on the couch, he was frightened when he woke up without me there), he's showed me he wishes he could spoil me by spending every cent on me, money that he never has, he's shown me forgiveness after everything I've done to him, he's shown me regret for everything he's done to me, he's show me a beautiful bright smile while I tell a stupid joke, or try to be funny, he's shown his anger when I don't listen to him over my safety, he's shown me compassion through our times together, gentleness, necessary horniness, undying love, I could go on forever, with what my "e-boyfriend" has shown me. I know he's shown me those things. I know he's not lying when he says I love you. I know he's not lying when he says "That sucks" when I tell him what happened to Leah, and I ask "Would you leave me after I lost my virginity to you?", and he says "No, sweetheart, I'd never do that." I know he wouldn't. Why would he waste two years over a bout of sex? I don't think he's in it for the sex if it's been two years.
I knows he pays attention to what I like and what I don't. I know he tries his hardest to be his best for me, and hates that he thinks he's not trying hard enough. I know that my tears are not from fear of losing him, but of emotion of wanting him forever, wanting him here, now, forever. Wanting him in my life, wanting him here, wanting to wake up next to him every morning, and feeling completely safe, completely open, completely comfortable, for the first time in my life. Am I going overboard here? Am I just an angsty teenage girl who's attached to her girlfriend? Maybe so. But, I'm in a situation that very few people have go through, so very few people can come even close to understanding. Adrienne and PK went through something similar, but it's not the same. Everyone's experience is different, but, more so, everyone's perception is different. I wish my baby's computer wasn't being mean to him. I want him to read this. I want him to be touched, I want him to smile. I love when I can make him smile. I love his voice.. I love his eyes, I love his smile, his face........I love his hair. I love his body, I love everything. I love him. I love everything. Christopher Andrew Robicheau, I love you. I love you. My best friend, my companion, my lover. Even if the last two were eliminitated.. I'd still love you to the depths of my heart. I love you. And I know that you love me too. I trust you. I trust you more than I trust anyone. Come back to me, baby. Please? I miss you. I need to goto sleep now.. I'm tired from crying, and, Chris usually knows best when he advises me to do something. If only I listened to him better.
I love you, baby. I miss you.
Alyx Kristen Robicheau
First Lyric Post:
I saw a star beneath the stairs glowing through the melting walls.
Who will be the first to begin their fall?
Or will we become one?
Am I the star beneath the stairs?
Am I a ghost upon the stage?
Am I your anything?
I saw a star beneath the stairs, glowing bright before descent,
And in the morning there is nothing left but what's inside of me.
And I don't want to die tonight; will you believe in me?
And I don't want to fall into the light.
Will you wish upon?
Will you walk upon me?
I don't want to die tonight.
Will you.