not particularly

[lyvlelacey]

there's a part of me
quite possibly larger than the rest
who really
genuinely
wants little more than to
dissolve.

i don't want to offend.
i don't want to fight you.
i don't even care if you're wrong or i'm right.
i just want everything to
stop
being
so
god
damned
important.

to fade out, or
to turn translucent.
i like watching.
i like listening.

i don't remember how to talk.

i don't know if i have anything to say in the first place.

i don't think i have any
ambitions
or
particularly
strong
beliefs.

i don't really know if i have a
purpose
outside my general denial
or i guess you might call it
apathy
if you really wanted me to be
looked down upon.

my strengths lie in
recognition
empathy
understanding
and (probably bad) advice.

my weaknesses are
likely more prominent
wherein i refuse
to acknowledge the existence
of such things like
conclusions
or definitions.

i am a mockery of
deconstruction

and by mockery  i mean
please laugh at me
because
this is ridiculous.

this is not a complaint
this is not a manifesto
this is merely
me
putting words out of my hands
for one of the only times
in upwards of two years
or
if you'd rather
since i was really
really
really
happy

also known as
secure
and
threatened, but
desperately
completely
utterly
terrifyingly
trusting.

before anybody ever
cut me so deeply that
i had to stop listening
to my shitty
music
because
it felt
too real
or somesuch laughable bullshit.

i might be the least
or most
arrogant person
you've seen lately
(certainly not too outstanding,
but i might
stand out a little)
because look at this.

i am begging you to hurt me.
i am begging you to mock me.
i am begging you to vilify me.
i am begging you to
confirm
my stupid
pointless
existence
wherein i watch
or i listen
or maybe i try to make a
comically inaccurate
representation of this reality
in something other than a mirror
to let you all see me through my eyes
or to let you all see yourselves through
what isn't yours
or
maybe
it's all bullshit
anyway.

i claim to want
meaning
real connection
humanity
something that matters
conversation
but i can't even
put out my own share of
one-sided
thoughts or opinions
enough to garner respect
or certification of intent.

this is not a climax
this is not a cry for help
this is not a plea for some
stupid
fucking
savior
this is nothing new
or different
or unheard of
or important.

please
if you'd be so kind
as to not bat an eye
pretend not to have read
anything here
as though you've
barely met me
or never
heard of me at all
as though
nothing i think
means anything
in particular
(which, for all i know
is more likely than i think).

i am not fishing for compliments.
i am not fishing for grievances.
i am not writing letters.
i am finally
finally
finally
opening my god damn
mouth

and praying that
whatever comes out of it
won't hurt too much.