Urgh
I'm cancelling my hot time for the rest of the week. i decided that this week it costs too much. I only got to talk to the GF for like half an hour today because of it, between me having it and her forgetting i had it, i even got out of work early with the hope of talking to her more, but she went to dinner for like 2 hours, so that only left half an hour for me, and it happened to be the half hour that i was eating and getting dressed. It just magnifies how much i'm cut off from her, and i hate it. I know i'll be back with her soon, and things could be worse, but still...
I'm so torn sometimes, I want to keep my life going here, with school and work and not going back to IL, because this is home now. but every time i do something, going out with my friends last week, working, and i bet the concert in jan, its something i'm not doing with her, and it severly cuts into what precious little time i have with her. I dont want to move on here and leave her behind. Before i met here, i was gonna be out here, starting fresh, not having anything to worry about. then i met her, and fell in love with her, and the new life i was going to start out here wasnt good enough any more, because i want her to be a part of it. and i want to be a part of her life too. more than just the other end of the phone. my biggest regret is that i didnt wait for her. by the time we were really serious, it was too late, my dad had already started paying for school, so it couldnt be helped. But if i could do it all over again, i would've waited. its funny, me coming out here, starting anew, i was supposed to leave with no regrets. now leaving is my regret.
and coming back just gets harder and harder.
I do it because i want to see her. and my friends. but thats it. and invariably i have to see my family, and she has to spend time with her family, and i end up spending time with her family. and i dont want to do either, but i have too. one family is too much right now, and now i have 2 to deal with. at least she'll be 18 soon, so i wont have to answer to them anymore, like i was their child.
but i keep going back to my paradise, me and her, out here, no worries, no parents, our only obligations to school, work and each other.
it's like i bound by two ropes, one tying each arm, pulling me in two directions, and i have a sword.
the one side has california, great weather, school, work, my own place, some friends, its my home, the other side has illinois, my friends, my family, the rooms i get to sleep in, but arnt my bedrooms anymore, stretches of terrible boredom and unease, and the cold. the bleak dreary snowy cold. but shes there too. and thats more than enough to weigh the handle to the illinois side, slicing california apart, leaving me there with a hole the size of her. she may not be that big, but you could fit suns into the hole thats left. and every time that i do something here, that cuts into my time with her, or makes me feel like i'm starting something, those suns burn hotter and brigher that before, scalding me.
but this coming fall, 7,8 months from now or so, when she comes out here, she'll be bringing the handle with her, letting the sharp edge cut the illinois side free, save for a few strands, but not enough to hold me, not enough to tie me down. and i know as time goes on, as my friends finish school and start their lives past college, whereever they find themselves, and as my parents die or move away, or even before then, the remaining strings will fade away to dust. and i wont be bound to illinois, to coming back there, and i can finally embrace california, with her, and really, truely start here.
with her.
I'm so torn sometimes, I want to keep my life going here, with school and work and not going back to IL, because this is home now. but every time i do something, going out with my friends last week, working, and i bet the concert in jan, its something i'm not doing with her, and it severly cuts into what precious little time i have with her. I dont want to move on here and leave her behind. Before i met here, i was gonna be out here, starting fresh, not having anything to worry about. then i met her, and fell in love with her, and the new life i was going to start out here wasnt good enough any more, because i want her to be a part of it. and i want to be a part of her life too. more than just the other end of the phone. my biggest regret is that i didnt wait for her. by the time we were really serious, it was too late, my dad had already started paying for school, so it couldnt be helped. But if i could do it all over again, i would've waited. its funny, me coming out here, starting anew, i was supposed to leave with no regrets. now leaving is my regret.
and coming back just gets harder and harder.
I do it because i want to see her. and my friends. but thats it. and invariably i have to see my family, and she has to spend time with her family, and i end up spending time with her family. and i dont want to do either, but i have too. one family is too much right now, and now i have 2 to deal with. at least she'll be 18 soon, so i wont have to answer to them anymore, like i was their child.
but i keep going back to my paradise, me and her, out here, no worries, no parents, our only obligations to school, work and each other.
it's like i bound by two ropes, one tying each arm, pulling me in two directions, and i have a sword.
the one side has california, great weather, school, work, my own place, some friends, its my home, the other side has illinois, my friends, my family, the rooms i get to sleep in, but arnt my bedrooms anymore, stretches of terrible boredom and unease, and the cold. the bleak dreary snowy cold. but shes there too. and thats more than enough to weigh the handle to the illinois side, slicing california apart, leaving me there with a hole the size of her. she may not be that big, but you could fit suns into the hole thats left. and every time that i do something here, that cuts into my time with her, or makes me feel like i'm starting something, those suns burn hotter and brigher that before, scalding me.
but this coming fall, 7,8 months from now or so, when she comes out here, she'll be bringing the handle with her, letting the sharp edge cut the illinois side free, save for a few strands, but not enough to hold me, not enough to tie me down. and i know as time goes on, as my friends finish school and start their lives past college, whereever they find themselves, and as my parents die or move away, or even before then, the remaining strings will fade away to dust. and i wont be bound to illinois, to coming back there, and i can finally embrace california, with her, and really, truely start here.
with her.