fic! Two for one! SCAM: SG-1
Neither of these are related. Except for the Sam/Jackness. And the first is much fluffier. The second contains spoilers through Affinity.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Set: Early season seven. (after Birthright, though)
Pairing: Sam/Jack
Notes: Kate's fault, with a little bit of Rabbit's help.
A Little Bit of This, a Little Bit of That...
by ALC Punk!
"...'spastic colon'? Carter, we have GOT to work on your insults."
Major Sam Carter shot her commanding officer a glare, "I'm so *sorry*, sir, that I'm not you."
"Yeah, yeah," he smirked. "I suppose we can't all be smooth-talkin' masters of the insult. Still, Carter... That was just bad."
"He's right, Sam." Dr. Daniel Jackson piped up from his corner of the cell. Daniel had escaped being chained to the wall, although both legs were chained together and his wrists were bound behind his back. "That was pretty lame."
"Oh, shut up, Daniel 'Chicken Dance' Jackson." She growled. Her shoulders ached from the strain of being stretched like this.
"Now, that, Carter, wasn't too bad."
"Maybe I'm learning," she muttered.
Colonel Jack O'Neill smirked, "Geeks can be taught. I'll have to remember that."
"Jaffa, kree!" The cell door clanged open, and Teal'c stood there, eyeing them all. Then he *almost* smiled and shoved a young boy into the cell. "Free them."
"Yes, my lord."
The kid scuttled around setting the other three members of SG-1 free. Jack grouched as he rubbed his wrists, "Took you long enough, T, what was the hold up?"
"I was exchanging insults with the great god Sark." The jaffa inclined his head to the child. "You are free to return to your master. Inform him that he is rustier than pig dung."
The child giggled and took off.
"See, Carter? Now *that* was an insult."
With a roll of her eyes, Major Carter stalked into the corridor. "We're going home now, right sir?"
"Yes. And I think I'll go... fishing."
"Great, Jack, you can make Sam go. Teach her some better insults." Daniel waved a hand, "And. Stuff."
"Stuff?"
"Yeah, like fishing. I bet Sam doesn't even know how."
"If you say 'after all, she is a girl' I will *hit* you, Daniel Jackson!"
"Gosh, Sam. Love you, too."
"Carter, you sure you're not having a time of the month thing?"
The other two male members of SG-1 prudently stepped out of the way.
"Why NO, sir. I'm sure I'm not." said Major Samantha Carter as she rubbed the now sore knuckles on her right hand.
Looking up at her from where the punch had thrown him, Colonel Jack O'Neill rubbed his nose, "Damnit, Carter."
"And I wouldn't go fishing with you if you were the last man on Earth!" With that, she flounced off.
"Uh, y'know, Jack..."
"Shut up, Daniel."
"Did you leave your brain in junior high, Jack?"
"Daniel!"
The archeologist crossed his arms and snorted, "Make me."
"O'Neill. Daniel Jackson." Teal'c's voice was firm, "We should return to Earth before continuing this fruitless discussion."
"Yes, dad," Daniel muttered.
Carter was waiting for them by the DHD, hands twitching with impatience.
"Thought you would've left without us," O'Neill called.
"I almost did."
Daniel rolled his eyes and waved a hand, "Dial, Sam."
"Yes, Maestro." She muttered.
Within thirty seconds, the familiar whooshing sound announced the formation of the stable wormhole. Daniel typed the IDC into his GDO and trotted up the steps, Teal'c right behind him.
Sam paused and glanced at the Colonel. "How's your nose, sir?"
He shrugged and nodded at the gate, "We should go, Carter."
"Yeah." She walked up the steps with him next to her, then stopped at the top and eyed him. "So. Fishing this weekend?"
He eyed her back. "Planning on hitting me again?"
"Planning on being an ass again?" She shot back.
"Maybe."
She nodded, "I'll pick you up on Saturday at about 6."
"WE flyin'?"
"Unless you've got an Asgard transporter stored at your house, yes. Sir."
He nodded, "C'mon, Carter. Hammond's probably been informed we're tryin' to kill each other."
"Mm." She reached out and pushed the small of his back, causing him to stumble forward into the gate. With a schlooping sound, the wormhole swallowed him. "Not yet, sir."
-f-
PS. And then they went to Jack's cabin where, since it was snowing, there was no time to fish. So they had sex instead. In every room in the cabin. And almost on the dock, but Jack complained of shrinkage issues, so they went back inside and had sex in front of the fire (Sam complained about the fuzz on her ass, so Jack apologized with his mouth).
The End.
PPS. And Daniel and Teal'c mocked them. But were also secretly jealous because Daniel couldn't keep a girl longer than a few days, and Ishta wouldn't move into the SGC with Teal'c.
Really The End.
-==--
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Set: Late season 8? Spoilers for everything up through Affinity.
Rating: PG13. Violence.
Pairing: Sam/Pete, Sam/Jack
Summary: The wedding wasn't supposed to go this way, but it feels right.
Notes: Liz sparked this, but I think it was also from a Madonna lyric. Something about standing tall in a dress... hrm. Or maybe Something for Kate. One or the other. ANYway. This is future-y stuff, with a weird twist.
Liz also wrote the coda for it. (which she hasn't posted). Title is a Something for Kate song. which, scarily, fits this fic. HAH! Liz Coda! http://www.livejournal.com/users/liminalliz/327427.html
Light at the End of the Tunnel
by ALC Punk!
She wonders why she's so surprised. After all, this is her life, and her luck. So of course there are bullets peppering the walls.
There's blood on the stark white of her wedding dress, staining one side and splattered on the rest. Ironically, it's the priest's blood. Father Luke. Not hers. Or his. Which is nice, in a way.
Daniel, Teal'c and Jonas are behind the pews, cowering with the rest of the wedding party, and his relatives. His mother fainted when the first bullet impacted into flesh, blood spinning out and splattering the lectern, her dress, and him.
They're yelling at her, want her to take cover.
Get out of the line of fire.
Funny, she isn't in the line of fire.
This is my wedding day, she thinks. I'm supposed to be happy. And, obscurely, she is. Her destiny has been fulfilled, her life? Has always been like this, in some way. This is only a confirmation.
Get down. Teal'c is moving, trying to get to her, but the bullets are still flying (and no one else has been hit, not even her, why is that?)
What if I don't want to get down. Her brain must be broken. Logic is screaming at her to get under cover. Emotion wants her to collapse, to cry, to fall screaming behind the altar.
Where Pete is already cowering.
I will not cower.
She shouldn't be standing like a big-ass target in a white dress.
Red. White and *red* dress.
"Carter!" Hands grab her, shake her, drag her into the minimal cover of the fleur de lys confession boxes.
The General is there. Yay for him. Looking him up and down critically, she sees that his suit is already looking vaguely rumpled. She should have expected that, with him.
"What the hell are you doing? Get with it, Carter!" He's shaking her with every word, as if in some way, it makes him believe she's listening.
She wants to hit him or kiss him. And until her arm swings back and then her fist slams into his jaw and knocks him onto his ass, she's not really sure which she's going to do. There's something very satisfying in seeing his surprised look.
The guns have stopped going off.
Surprise looks good on him.
"This is my wedding day."
"Yes. Ow." He rubs his jaw, "Damn, Carter, your right hook still hurts. What the hell was that for?"
"Being an ass."
"That's 'being an ass, sir.'" He corrects, trying to make a joke.
Daniel, Teal'c and Jonas appear as if by magic. Each looks at her, then the downed General. "Sam?" Daniel sounds tentative.
"Sam!" Pete is grabbing her, shaking her, his arms and hands and fingers claiming every inch of her -- that he has no right to, not right now. Not when her wedding has been destroyed by thugs with guns. And a dead priest. "I thought --"
"You know what the worst thing is, Pete?" She is calm, she is collected, she is covered in the blood of a man of God.
"Sam?" Daniel isn't stupid. He knows that tone of voice.
Pete slowly pulls away, looks at her. "Sam?"
"I can't return this dress now."
Perhaps he isn't as stupid as he acts. The hands drop away and he steps back. "You're... You're leaving me."
"No." She wants to feel surprise. Maybe a little sadness, some regret. All she can feel is a strange blankness as she twists off the engagement ring and holds it out. "I was never really here."
"Carter." The General is standing in front of her, staring at the stains on her dress.
They should be stains on her soul, she thinks. "General."
"Why now?"
The question could have so many layers -- SHOULD have so many layers they could drown a blue whale. She takes it at face value. "Because I don't love him."
"Sam." Daniel's hand is on her arm. "You're not --"
"I am." She looks at him, notices that he's picked up a little of the tacky blood and gently removes his hand, whiping it on a clean spot on the dress. "So. General."
"Carter."
"I hear there's a fire sale on careers that are about to be destroyed."
He doesn't pretend to understand what she's saying, "Carter, what --"
"Wanna go fishing, Jack?" She's standing in her blood-stained wedding dress, asking her commanding officer on a date. Or something like that. She wonders if this is what it's supposed to feel like when you don't get what you want.
"Carter, you're not thinking straight."
Yup. This is what it feels like when you don't get what you want. "If it makes you feel better, you're the rebound guy." A bitter thought. "You always have been."
Daniel's hand is back on her arm, "Sam, I think you should sit down. You're looking a little pale."
"I'm fine." Her eyes stare at the General. "I'm just waiting for an answer. Snookums."
He blinks, once, then almost smiles. "Yes."
"Jack, you can't, Sam's --"
"Shut up, Daniel." They say it together. She can't smile yet. She's still wearing a wedding dress that needs to be burned. But he said yes.
He said yes.
Terror fills her. "Uh, Daniel? Come with us?"
"Oh, hell no."
"Carter, I don't bite."
"Neither do the fish, O'Neill."
"Hey, Sam," Jonas wraps an arm around her shoulders, "Is this standard for an Earth wedding?"
"No."
He said yes.
Sam stares at Jack.
Jack stares at Sam.
"So, uh... when do we leave?"
"Now?"
"Right!" He reaches out and extricates her from Daniel and Jonas. "C'mon, Carter. There's fish to catch."
"Dresses to burn."
A slight smirk, "Yup."
-f-
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Set: Early season seven. (after Birthright, though)
Pairing: Sam/Jack
Notes: Kate's fault, with a little bit of Rabbit's help.
A Little Bit of This, a Little Bit of That...
by ALC Punk!
"...'spastic colon'? Carter, we have GOT to work on your insults."
Major Sam Carter shot her commanding officer a glare, "I'm so *sorry*, sir, that I'm not you."
"Yeah, yeah," he smirked. "I suppose we can't all be smooth-talkin' masters of the insult. Still, Carter... That was just bad."
"He's right, Sam." Dr. Daniel Jackson piped up from his corner of the cell. Daniel had escaped being chained to the wall, although both legs were chained together and his wrists were bound behind his back. "That was pretty lame."
"Oh, shut up, Daniel 'Chicken Dance' Jackson." She growled. Her shoulders ached from the strain of being stretched like this.
"Now, that, Carter, wasn't too bad."
"Maybe I'm learning," she muttered.
Colonel Jack O'Neill smirked, "Geeks can be taught. I'll have to remember that."
"Jaffa, kree!" The cell door clanged open, and Teal'c stood there, eyeing them all. Then he *almost* smiled and shoved a young boy into the cell. "Free them."
"Yes, my lord."
The kid scuttled around setting the other three members of SG-1 free. Jack grouched as he rubbed his wrists, "Took you long enough, T, what was the hold up?"
"I was exchanging insults with the great god Sark." The jaffa inclined his head to the child. "You are free to return to your master. Inform him that he is rustier than pig dung."
The child giggled and took off.
"See, Carter? Now *that* was an insult."
With a roll of her eyes, Major Carter stalked into the corridor. "We're going home now, right sir?"
"Yes. And I think I'll go... fishing."
"Great, Jack, you can make Sam go. Teach her some better insults." Daniel waved a hand, "And. Stuff."
"Stuff?"
"Yeah, like fishing. I bet Sam doesn't even know how."
"If you say 'after all, she is a girl' I will *hit* you, Daniel Jackson!"
"Gosh, Sam. Love you, too."
"Carter, you sure you're not having a time of the month thing?"
The other two male members of SG-1 prudently stepped out of the way.
"Why NO, sir. I'm sure I'm not." said Major Samantha Carter as she rubbed the now sore knuckles on her right hand.
Looking up at her from where the punch had thrown him, Colonel Jack O'Neill rubbed his nose, "Damnit, Carter."
"And I wouldn't go fishing with you if you were the last man on Earth!" With that, she flounced off.
"Uh, y'know, Jack..."
"Shut up, Daniel."
"Did you leave your brain in junior high, Jack?"
"Daniel!"
The archeologist crossed his arms and snorted, "Make me."
"O'Neill. Daniel Jackson." Teal'c's voice was firm, "We should return to Earth before continuing this fruitless discussion."
"Yes, dad," Daniel muttered.
Carter was waiting for them by the DHD, hands twitching with impatience.
"Thought you would've left without us," O'Neill called.
"I almost did."
Daniel rolled his eyes and waved a hand, "Dial, Sam."
"Yes, Maestro." She muttered.
Within thirty seconds, the familiar whooshing sound announced the formation of the stable wormhole. Daniel typed the IDC into his GDO and trotted up the steps, Teal'c right behind him.
Sam paused and glanced at the Colonel. "How's your nose, sir?"
He shrugged and nodded at the gate, "We should go, Carter."
"Yeah." She walked up the steps with him next to her, then stopped at the top and eyed him. "So. Fishing this weekend?"
He eyed her back. "Planning on hitting me again?"
"Planning on being an ass again?" She shot back.
"Maybe."
She nodded, "I'll pick you up on Saturday at about 6."
"WE flyin'?"
"Unless you've got an Asgard transporter stored at your house, yes. Sir."
He nodded, "C'mon, Carter. Hammond's probably been informed we're tryin' to kill each other."
"Mm." She reached out and pushed the small of his back, causing him to stumble forward into the gate. With a schlooping sound, the wormhole swallowed him. "Not yet, sir."
-f-
PS. And then they went to Jack's cabin where, since it was snowing, there was no time to fish. So they had sex instead. In every room in the cabin. And almost on the dock, but Jack complained of shrinkage issues, so they went back inside and had sex in front of the fire (Sam complained about the fuzz on her ass, so Jack apologized with his mouth).
The End.
PPS. And Daniel and Teal'c mocked them. But were also secretly jealous because Daniel couldn't keep a girl longer than a few days, and Ishta wouldn't move into the SGC with Teal'c.
Really The End.
-==--
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Set: Late season 8? Spoilers for everything up through Affinity.
Rating: PG13. Violence.
Pairing: Sam/Pete, Sam/Jack
Summary: The wedding wasn't supposed to go this way, but it feels right.
Notes: Liz sparked this, but I think it was also from a Madonna lyric. Something about standing tall in a dress... hrm. Or maybe Something for Kate. One or the other. ANYway. This is future-y stuff, with a weird twist.
Liz also wrote the coda for it. (which she hasn't posted). Title is a Something for Kate song. which, scarily, fits this fic. HAH! Liz Coda! http://www.livejournal.com/users/liminalliz/327427.html
Light at the End of the Tunnel
by ALC Punk!
She wonders why she's so surprised. After all, this is her life, and her luck. So of course there are bullets peppering the walls.
There's blood on the stark white of her wedding dress, staining one side and splattered on the rest. Ironically, it's the priest's blood. Father Luke. Not hers. Or his. Which is nice, in a way.
Daniel, Teal'c and Jonas are behind the pews, cowering with the rest of the wedding party, and his relatives. His mother fainted when the first bullet impacted into flesh, blood spinning out and splattering the lectern, her dress, and him.
They're yelling at her, want her to take cover.
Get out of the line of fire.
Funny, she isn't in the line of fire.
This is my wedding day, she thinks. I'm supposed to be happy. And, obscurely, she is. Her destiny has been fulfilled, her life? Has always been like this, in some way. This is only a confirmation.
Get down. Teal'c is moving, trying to get to her, but the bullets are still flying (and no one else has been hit, not even her, why is that?)
What if I don't want to get down. Her brain must be broken. Logic is screaming at her to get under cover. Emotion wants her to collapse, to cry, to fall screaming behind the altar.
Where Pete is already cowering.
I will not cower.
She shouldn't be standing like a big-ass target in a white dress.
Red. White and *red* dress.
"Carter!" Hands grab her, shake her, drag her into the minimal cover of the fleur de lys confession boxes.
The General is there. Yay for him. Looking him up and down critically, she sees that his suit is already looking vaguely rumpled. She should have expected that, with him.
"What the hell are you doing? Get with it, Carter!" He's shaking her with every word, as if in some way, it makes him believe she's listening.
She wants to hit him or kiss him. And until her arm swings back and then her fist slams into his jaw and knocks him onto his ass, she's not really sure which she's going to do. There's something very satisfying in seeing his surprised look.
The guns have stopped going off.
Surprise looks good on him.
"This is my wedding day."
"Yes. Ow." He rubs his jaw, "Damn, Carter, your right hook still hurts. What the hell was that for?"
"Being an ass."
"That's 'being an ass, sir.'" He corrects, trying to make a joke.
Daniel, Teal'c and Jonas appear as if by magic. Each looks at her, then the downed General. "Sam?" Daniel sounds tentative.
"Sam!" Pete is grabbing her, shaking her, his arms and hands and fingers claiming every inch of her -- that he has no right to, not right now. Not when her wedding has been destroyed by thugs with guns. And a dead priest. "I thought --"
"You know what the worst thing is, Pete?" She is calm, she is collected, she is covered in the blood of a man of God.
"Sam?" Daniel isn't stupid. He knows that tone of voice.
Pete slowly pulls away, looks at her. "Sam?"
"I can't return this dress now."
Perhaps he isn't as stupid as he acts. The hands drop away and he steps back. "You're... You're leaving me."
"No." She wants to feel surprise. Maybe a little sadness, some regret. All she can feel is a strange blankness as she twists off the engagement ring and holds it out. "I was never really here."
"Carter." The General is standing in front of her, staring at the stains on her dress.
They should be stains on her soul, she thinks. "General."
"Why now?"
The question could have so many layers -- SHOULD have so many layers they could drown a blue whale. She takes it at face value. "Because I don't love him."
"Sam." Daniel's hand is on her arm. "You're not --"
"I am." She looks at him, notices that he's picked up a little of the tacky blood and gently removes his hand, whiping it on a clean spot on the dress. "So. General."
"Carter."
"I hear there's a fire sale on careers that are about to be destroyed."
He doesn't pretend to understand what she's saying, "Carter, what --"
"Wanna go fishing, Jack?" She's standing in her blood-stained wedding dress, asking her commanding officer on a date. Or something like that. She wonders if this is what it's supposed to feel like when you don't get what you want.
"Carter, you're not thinking straight."
Yup. This is what it feels like when you don't get what you want. "If it makes you feel better, you're the rebound guy." A bitter thought. "You always have been."
Daniel's hand is back on her arm, "Sam, I think you should sit down. You're looking a little pale."
"I'm fine." Her eyes stare at the General. "I'm just waiting for an answer. Snookums."
He blinks, once, then almost smiles. "Yes."
"Jack, you can't, Sam's --"
"Shut up, Daniel." They say it together. She can't smile yet. She's still wearing a wedding dress that needs to be burned. But he said yes.
He said yes.
Terror fills her. "Uh, Daniel? Come with us?"
"Oh, hell no."
"Carter, I don't bite."
"Neither do the fish, O'Neill."
"Hey, Sam," Jonas wraps an arm around her shoulders, "Is this standard for an Earth wedding?"
"No."
He said yes.
Sam stares at Jack.
Jack stares at Sam.
"So, uh... when do we leave?"
"Now?"
"Right!" He reaches out and extricates her from Daniel and Jonas. "C'mon, Carter. There's fish to catch."
"Dresses to burn."
A slight smirk, "Yup."
-f-