im scaring myself
so i was working today at the bakery, bagging up bread (wow ive gotten far!) and i had a thought that really scared me. its amazing what you ponder while you are staring at bread.
i miss him. a lot. and im not sure why. hes the one guy that could make me cry on cue. make me feel like shit. like i was nothing. he called me a slut. thought i was worth nothing, to amount to nothing. didnt have enough decency to say congratulations for anything, or hold me when i was hurting. made me into a bitter, insecure person, who cant see how fathers can love their children. refused to go to my high school graduation. never met my boyfriend. or my best friend. when i invited him to my first apartment to have dinner, he was completely rude. when i think about how many people love their fathers and have relationships with them it makes me cry. literally, right now i have this huge empty feeling in my heart because i want that so bad. i want my dad to love me like i love him. i really do. i may say that i dont...but there is nothing that i want more in life then for my dad to tell me that i matter. that i am someone important in his life. im his daughter, dammit! i should matter. to him more than anyone. sure i wasnt the easiest teenager. emphasis on teen. hardest time in my life. and i needed my daddy there. and i want him in my life now. i want him to know who i am now. im grown up. certainly not all grown up, but i am different than i was when i was at home. i miss my daddy. i want him to miss me too. im crying. wimp. i realize that he wasnt raised with as much love as i was. from one person at least. but he could grow old with that kind of love. its like he never let me love him like that. like a daughter should. did he not want me to love him? we cant be that different of people. we are both very sarcastic, have attitude issues ( i do not have a problem...its an issue.) are stubborn, and dont like to show our emotion. thats why im saying all this when there is no one home. im scared that one day i'll have kids, and he wont even know it. my wedding? when i finally do meet a guy who is willing to put up with me, is he even going to be there? or will he not want to be around people? these are valid things that i think about. and they scare me. i dont want it to happen like this. i dont want to dread going home to see him. i want to be excited. as excited as i am to see my mommy. i dont want to spend my life hating my father. hes part of me. and im part of him. cant he see that? why cant he love me?
i miss him.
i miss him. a lot. and im not sure why. hes the one guy that could make me cry on cue. make me feel like shit. like i was nothing. he called me a slut. thought i was worth nothing, to amount to nothing. didnt have enough decency to say congratulations for anything, or hold me when i was hurting. made me into a bitter, insecure person, who cant see how fathers can love their children. refused to go to my high school graduation. never met my boyfriend. or my best friend. when i invited him to my first apartment to have dinner, he was completely rude. when i think about how many people love their fathers and have relationships with them it makes me cry. literally, right now i have this huge empty feeling in my heart because i want that so bad. i want my dad to love me like i love him. i really do. i may say that i dont...but there is nothing that i want more in life then for my dad to tell me that i matter. that i am someone important in his life. im his daughter, dammit! i should matter. to him more than anyone. sure i wasnt the easiest teenager. emphasis on teen. hardest time in my life. and i needed my daddy there. and i want him in my life now. i want him to know who i am now. im grown up. certainly not all grown up, but i am different than i was when i was at home. i miss my daddy. i want him to miss me too. im crying. wimp. i realize that he wasnt raised with as much love as i was. from one person at least. but he could grow old with that kind of love. its like he never let me love him like that. like a daughter should. did he not want me to love him? we cant be that different of people. we are both very sarcastic, have attitude issues ( i do not have a problem...its an issue.) are stubborn, and dont like to show our emotion. thats why im saying all this when there is no one home. im scared that one day i'll have kids, and he wont even know it. my wedding? when i finally do meet a guy who is willing to put up with me, is he even going to be there? or will he not want to be around people? these are valid things that i think about. and they scare me. i dont want it to happen like this. i dont want to dread going home to see him. i want to be excited. as excited as i am to see my mommy. i dont want to spend my life hating my father. hes part of me. and im part of him. cant he see that? why cant he love me?
i miss him.