(no subject)
well..after being questioned..i slept..somethin i used to do a lot when
i was mad..went to powderpuff practice then came home..i still had an
essay in college writing...a rough draft of our college acception paper.
i decided to write about my experience..killing two birds w/one stone..so i did it..handed it to my mom..she read it..started crying..i started crying..went away for a bit.then i came back in the room..we started talking...altho i stil think she has the slight feeling that i need a psychologist..if im still bothered by this all??...but neways..it was a lot better handing her a paper..then trying to explain it all to her..lauren read it im pretty sure..apologized for her stupidity earlier...my dad im sure will read it when he gets home..and the one thing that bothers my mom is how she didnt kno..i shoulda told someone.it wouldnt have got that bad..but then she kept asking me what led me to wanting to end my life..how can u tell her ur exact thoughts.i mean it was over a year ago..but..how?...when she wasnt there w/u knowing ur every thought...its hard...but neways heres my paper.
“November of last year you stole my soul away,
Left me in a stage where my heart broke in dismay.
Suffocated with guilt and anger, couldn’t help me now,
I’d pray to God every day he could bring you back somehow.”
The beginning of 2003 till mid-2004 has been the most life changing months of my 17 years of life. Even though they have affected my life till this day in unbelievable ways, there were times that I thought I could not have made it through that period of time. My Grandpa was one of the most amazing men I have ever met in my life. Intelligent, wise, strong, and loving, he was the soul of my family. After leading such an amazing life he had a stroke in 2003, leaving him paralyzed on one side, and mute. One cannot fathom what this would be like until they are there experiencing it. All the things you wish you had said, done, and experienced with your Grandpa smacks you right in the face.
Growing up all my life in church, you take your salvation for granted, and just expect that you have been saved, and Christ is in your heart. With this belief, I led my life on, not knowing that I had not accepted Christ into my heart yet. I began to feel guilty about what I had not said
PINSON 2
to my Grandpa. Such as, the simplest things; I love you. Even though I could still talk to him, I had unfortunately waited up until the point of him being mute to tell him these things. To cherish the man that made our family whole.
The months of sitting in his quiet nursing home room without him being the lively person he always had been took a huge toll on me. One word that I could only relate my soul to was “numb.” Using things such as poems, and drawings were my ways to cope, considering I didn’t share my emotions that great back then.
After my Grandpa’s passing in November of 2003 was when my downward spiral hit rock bottom. A few months later, I felt a feeling of aloneness when I was still mourning daily over my Grandpa’s death. I didn’t feel that I could relate to anyone in my family because I had thought they all moved on for the time. Relations with my Dad were not the greatest either during this period, in which it gave me little self-esteem to not be able to rely on the person who every child is supposed to look up to. For roughly 7 months I had dealt with these emotions, and never told anyone. Guilt, anger, aloneness, depression was only a few of the feelings that I had encountered every day. Also, the feeling that I wanted to end my life was a daily thought that I had dealt with, in that period.
I can truly say that God was my main supporter during this time, being the fact I had shared this with no one else. He knew me intimately and knew my every emotion and thought. Tear felt prayers every night, and the searching of me to find the key in my life all pointed to Him. After those seven months, my depression had dwindled down, and my need to think these things had died. On November 18th of 2004 was the one year anniversary of my Grandpa’s death. It was a day of reflection on my own life, and of the relationship that I had built with God. I
PINSON 3
accepted God into my heart, as a new outlook for my new life. I knew I needed Him, and I was correct; He is always there for me.
As my relationship with my new Father had flourished, so did the relationship I had with my Dad. I began using my story of how I accepted Christ as a way to help other teens cope with the same things I had went through. It is a good feeling to help someone with their problems and also being used by God to show how he is our best friend in life. Even though I went through rough times, that experience has made me the person I am today. I do not take advantage of life, expecting that I will have my family and friends till the day I die. Through this experience, I can bring a new hope to others that are still searching for their best friend in life. I can offer a new outlook to the lost, and provide answers to people’s problems. Let God be in control of your life, there is no other best friend.
i decided to write about my experience..killing two birds w/one stone..so i did it..handed it to my mom..she read it..started crying..i started crying..went away for a bit.then i came back in the room..we started talking...altho i stil think she has the slight feeling that i need a psychologist..if im still bothered by this all??...but neways..it was a lot better handing her a paper..then trying to explain it all to her..lauren read it im pretty sure..apologized for her stupidity earlier...my dad im sure will read it when he gets home..and the one thing that bothers my mom is how she didnt kno..i shoulda told someone.it wouldnt have got that bad..but then she kept asking me what led me to wanting to end my life..how can u tell her ur exact thoughts.i mean it was over a year ago..but..how?...when she wasnt there w/u knowing ur every thought...its hard...but neways heres my paper.
“November of last year you stole my soul away,
Left me in a stage where my heart broke in dismay.
Suffocated with guilt and anger, couldn’t help me now,
I’d pray to God every day he could bring you back somehow.”
The beginning of 2003 till mid-2004 has been the most life changing months of my 17 years of life. Even though they have affected my life till this day in unbelievable ways, there were times that I thought I could not have made it through that period of time. My Grandpa was one of the most amazing men I have ever met in my life. Intelligent, wise, strong, and loving, he was the soul of my family. After leading such an amazing life he had a stroke in 2003, leaving him paralyzed on one side, and mute. One cannot fathom what this would be like until they are there experiencing it. All the things you wish you had said, done, and experienced with your Grandpa smacks you right in the face.
Growing up all my life in church, you take your salvation for granted, and just expect that you have been saved, and Christ is in your heart. With this belief, I led my life on, not knowing that I had not accepted Christ into my heart yet. I began to feel guilty about what I had not said
PINSON 2
to my Grandpa. Such as, the simplest things; I love you. Even though I could still talk to him, I had unfortunately waited up until the point of him being mute to tell him these things. To cherish the man that made our family whole.
The months of sitting in his quiet nursing home room without him being the lively person he always had been took a huge toll on me. One word that I could only relate my soul to was “numb.” Using things such as poems, and drawings were my ways to cope, considering I didn’t share my emotions that great back then.
After my Grandpa’s passing in November of 2003 was when my downward spiral hit rock bottom. A few months later, I felt a feeling of aloneness when I was still mourning daily over my Grandpa’s death. I didn’t feel that I could relate to anyone in my family because I had thought they all moved on for the time. Relations with my Dad were not the greatest either during this period, in which it gave me little self-esteem to not be able to rely on the person who every child is supposed to look up to. For roughly 7 months I had dealt with these emotions, and never told anyone. Guilt, anger, aloneness, depression was only a few of the feelings that I had encountered every day. Also, the feeling that I wanted to end my life was a daily thought that I had dealt with, in that period.
I can truly say that God was my main supporter during this time, being the fact I had shared this with no one else. He knew me intimately and knew my every emotion and thought. Tear felt prayers every night, and the searching of me to find the key in my life all pointed to Him. After those seven months, my depression had dwindled down, and my need to think these things had died. On November 18th of 2004 was the one year anniversary of my Grandpa’s death. It was a day of reflection on my own life, and of the relationship that I had built with God. I
PINSON 3
accepted God into my heart, as a new outlook for my new life. I knew I needed Him, and I was correct; He is always there for me.
As my relationship with my new Father had flourished, so did the relationship I had with my Dad. I began using my story of how I accepted Christ as a way to help other teens cope with the same things I had went through. It is a good feeling to help someone with their problems and also being used by God to show how he is our best friend in life. Even though I went through rough times, that experience has made me the person I am today. I do not take advantage of life, expecting that I will have my family and friends till the day I die. Through this experience, I can bring a new hope to others that are still searching for their best friend in life. I can offer a new outlook to the lost, and provide answers to people’s problems. Let God be in control of your life, there is no other best friend.