Lost
I feel like I have written novels today, everywhere but here of course, and about everything but what is really on my mind... well sort of. I know something is wrong because I have started to get quiet again, I only do that when something is wrong. It has been tough for me emotion wise lately. In the past I would have broken down, lashed out, shut down, given up, started feeling sorry for myself. These past few years have been different. I have been hopeful and determined, made things happen, worked very hard to bring myself out of it instead of giving in. I am struggling now though, and I have found it hard to break myself out of this particular rut. I could list off, as I normally do, the things that have happened lately and the reasons I feel upset, but they aren't the important part. The bad things are always there, everyone deals with them, I am nothing special or exceptional in those regards. I feel lost, and more acutely I feel lonely. I have many people who love me, and many good friends (most of whom I take for granted) a loving family, a good home. I feel like I don't have a right to be lonely but I am. I have gotten a lot of people through some very hard times, I love to help people, and I love to make people feel better, more importantly I am good at it. I know the right words to say to make you feel better, I truly can feel where you are coming from, I really do listen when you talk, I am willing to give up whatever I have to and can to get you through. It rarely gets to me, not being needed, I keep occupied, I don't mind being alone. But lately I wonder if that is the best I can hope for. To build people up when they are down and leave until it happens again, to be forever in passing. I wonder if I am even capable of lasting relationships, is that even something I can offer a person? this thing I want so badly. I think that is the real fear, the impossibility of being a forever type. I don't place this blame on others so much, I know friendship is a two way street, I know my friends are there for me when I need them too. I just worry about the in between time, the pause between the song, the silence. I'm not sure I can ever be a person who is reliable, who people rely on daily. I'm not sure I have that in me, and right now my lack of follow through terrifies me into believing I will always be singular instead of cohesive. Who would rest their happiness on me? and how could I rest my happiness on anyone else when I can't even be sure I can rest it on myself. Can I find happiness being a sometimes instead of a someone? I feel out of place.